Tracy Engelbrecht's Blog, page 3

Driftsands: Feb 2014

Had a small turnout for our Driftsands meeting yesterday, which was actually a good thing. We had the domestic violence discussion which was helpful and people shared their experiences. We were joined by some 3rd year Radiography students from CPUT. They are required to do a community service project and they’ve chosen us. Yay! We look forward to working with them to find ways to help YMS to grow, and for our moms to grow too.

Each student paired off with a mom and had a good chat – about their lives, their needs, their children, their future. It was wonderful to see people from outside who “get” what we’re trying to do.

Thank you Nenekazi & your team. Look forward to working with you!

Babalwa’s Story: Strong Woman

Babalwa has asked me to post her story for her. For those of you from outside SA, note that English is not her first language. She’s in Grade 11 currently.

    My Story
   Strong Woman

My name is Babalwa Njini. I was born in Cape Town, and I went to Eastern Cape and my grandmother raised me until I went back to Cape Town to my parents.  I went to school and Ukhanyo Primary School I did all the grades until High School.

My life is hard because I have a child – his name is Emihle. When I was pregnant I cried because I was young to be a mother, so I was saying I don’t want this child because I need education. I want my life to be easy and I don’t want to have serious for child things, because a child is a hard thing. I was shocked I was pregnant but now I love my child. My child is important in my life now. He is a beautiful boy, he loves his mom and grandmother.

 

When my child wants some things I don’t have because I don’t have money. I go to school and my mother doesn’t work. She looks after my child when I go to school, but now she wants a job because we are suffering at home. Maybe we don’t have food to eat or we don’t have electricity to light for my child and we sleep without electricity. But God is good and we can survive because God is good all the time. And I don’t have a father, my grandmother took the house of my father and sold it to other people. When I asked my grandmother why do you do this to us she say she wanted to do tradition for us but she did not do it.

Every day I think about my father’s house, those people they stay in my father’s house, I pray to God, I want my father’s house.

But now I look to my future because I want to raise my child and I want to give my child a future in life. People say my future is over but God says carry on with your future and be successful in your life. I want to be a journalist one day in my life because education is important in this life.

But I am a strong woman. No-one can take that. I am a strong woman.

© Babalwa Njini 2014

We need food

Let’s keep this short and sweet.

Young Mom Support has no money. You know this, because I tell you all the time.

We have never focused on food relief because it’s not our core business and wanted to work on more sustainable, long-lasting help that will really make a difference. However, all the study opportunities, emotional support and helpful information in the world does not help if our moms are hungry today. TODAY, RIGHT NOW, people I consider my friends have not eaten. They will feed their children first and go hungry themselves.

With this worry about the next meal, they cannot concentrate at school, they cannot see anything beyond suppertime tonight, and they are in danger of feeling forced into a dangerous situation with an unsavoury boyfriend, or worse. If you need to eat, you do what you must.

So we’re going to have to get some food parcels going. The basics, just for those who are most in need, at times when they most need it. Most of our moms never come right out and say they need help like this. When she does pluck up the courage to say, and we’re able to help – the relief is extreme. Right now we have upwards of 20-25 moms active in our Masi group and about the same in Driftsands. This is NOT counting all the others from all over the country that we speak to daily.

I need you. A small food parcel that will help for a few days will cost in the region of R200. It won’t last long. But it will take the edge off.

What can you do:

 

1. Donate cash. Bank details are below – or use the Donate widget on the right to donate with a credit card.

2. Donate food goodies – preferably non-perishables. Email me at info@youngmomsupport.co.za to find out where you can drop off

3. Offer to be a collection point in your area – where people can drop goodies off. We can discuss how to make this work

4. Get your company involved. If you have contacts in the food / retail / other industries – we need them to know about us

5. Share this post wherever you can.

This week we’ve been discussing the possibility of shutting YMS down for good – doubting our effectiveness, doubting our future and probably suffering from burnout too! We need a shot in the arm to keep us going. 

 

Bank details

Bank: FNB

Account Name: Young Mom Support

Account number 62437922489

Branch code: 255355

#DearTeenMom

Teen parents need to hear more positive messages about the work they’re doing, their value to the world and to their children. They already KNOW they are worthy and doing important work, but hearing the same tired old negativity from everyone around them gets them down. Don’t underestimate the power of a kind word. Please add your own in the comments or on Twitter #DearTeenMom

Tweets about “#DearTeenMom”

“Pregnant at 16, my dad has anger issues”

Question originally from our Tumblr:

Anonymous asked: I just found out I was pregnant 3 days ago. I’m 16 and I turn 17 in December. I’m honestly really happy and excited! (: But, I live with just my dad and he has really bad anger issues. He gets really upset when I just ask him to take me to the doctors.. How am I supposed to tell him this?

Okay, a couple of things.

1. I’m assuming you’ve decided to raise the child yourself. Feeling happy & secure in your decision is a good thing. However, it’s only the first step – your success as a parent, a good outcome for both you and baby depends on more than that. For both you and baby, you need to be REALISTIC and practical. Depending on where you live, abortion may still be an option if you can’t find your way through the advice I’m about to give you. Adoption is also an option. At this stage, don’t close your mind to your other options. An open mind and acceptance of the reality of YOUR particular family situation is so important right now.

2. I’m also assuming you’re going to continue living with your dad after baby is born, and will need emotional and at least some financial support from him. You are going to NEED him. If you’re NOT going to live with him, then my advice would be different. Let’s go with the first assumption for now.

If he has “really bad anger issues” – this is a huge red flag for me. You don’t say whether this escalates to the point of emotional or physical abuse – but either way it’s a problem. You will be bringing a child into a household where anger and a strained relationship is already a problem. Do you really want that for your child? Has it been easy for YOU? You have struggled with a father who does not treat you in the way that you would like to be treated. Now, you’d knowingly be bringing a child into that same situation. I’d urge you to think long and hard about that.

Obviously, you know your dad best. Every parent is going to be angry, disappointed, sad, scared when their daughter tells them they’re pregnant. Most parents get over that initial anger (provided the mom-to-be shows signs of managing the situation correctly). Relations between parents and daughter might be difficult for a while, but often come right eventually, if everybody works at it. However – in a family where things are already bad, often this doesn’t happen. It makes the situation worse and then everyone suffers, including baby.

I speak to pregnant teens every day and many of them have valid reasons to believe that their parents would beat them or kick them out of the house because of their pregnancy. Others will stay because they have no choice. Still others expect the worst from their parents and are surprised that it wasn’t as bad as they expected.

Only you can know if your dad is likely to get over his initial anger and adjust to this new family, or not.

So being practical is the most important. If he does kick you out, or if you decide it’s best not to live with him, where will you go? How will you support yourself? Will you be able to finish school (if you’re still at school now). Will you be able to cope by yourself, if necessary?

You need those answers, or at least the beginnings of those answers, BEFORE you speak to your father.

Ultimately, you want a better life for your child than you had, right?

Can you give a child that, in your current situation, WITH your father?

Again, only you can answer that.

When you’re ready to speak to him (and don’t put it off for too long) – honesty is 100% the best policy. Just say it. Spit it out. There is never a “best time” for this conversation. There is no easy way to do it, believe me. You might want to consider having another adult you can trust with you when you speak to him.

Expect it to be hard. Expect him to be angry. Expect him to say things he perhaps doesn’t mean. Don’t get angry back. This is the worst bit and you have to let him express his feelings. Let him know that you have thought this through 100%, you understand what it entails, emotionally, financially, for your education. Let him know you’re not being impulsive or romantic or naive.

Let him know you have a plan, and when he is ready to hear it, you can share it with him. Let him know that you are also scared and that you need him. Tell him you understand that he’s angry and upset, and that’s okay.

You need to have a plan in place for if things escalate beyond “normal” levels of anger. Somewhere else you can go, a friend or relative, at least for a while.

I know you want me to give you an easy script to follow. There isn’t one. Everybody’s situation is different.

Your problem is bigger than your pregnancy, right now. It’s a difficult relationship with a father who perhaps is not doing his best for you.

Parenting at any age (but especially as a teen) is difficult enough, even when you have the support of your family. If you don’t have that support, it’s 1000 times more difficult.

I’m not going to tell you to make a different choice. But I do urge you to think hard about the things I’ve said. No matter what you choose, it’s not going to be easy.

Can it be done? Of course it can. But it can only be done well – for you and baby – if you’re 100% realistic and ready for any outcome.

You’ll be okay – but only you can make sure that you are.

“I feel stupid for getting pregnant”

Masi meeting yesterday – we had a discussion on domestic violence and what to do if you’re in such a situation, talking about protection orders and the process for getting help. Of the approximately 20 moms there, only 3 are currently in relationships, but all had either been in an abusive relationship previously or knew someone who had.

We spoke about going to the police station for help – 2 things really worried me about what they said.

1. The cops will laugh at you when you go in there – “Oh we know *you* – you’ll just drop the charges tomorrow, we’re not going to waste our time. And other unprofessional behaviour which too often young women do not feel able to question. The culture of respecting your elders – and by extension – those in authority, leads too many to never question when they’re told something that doesn’t sound right. Either they’re unaware of their rights or lack the confidence to demand correct treatment. Both of these are unacceptable.

2. The idea that you can call the cops, they’ll come to the house to collect the abusive partner, then drop him off at the entrance to Masi and he’s home in 5 minutes. Back to you, the person who’s just called the police on him. Is it any wonder at all that women do not report? I feel at a loss here.

Then had a chat with one of the moms. She’s in Grade 11, has a little boy of just over a year. She cried as she told me how they’re struggling for food – her mom is unemployed and all of them have been hungry. She feels stupid for getting pregnant, she said.

Some people believe that I should have told her that she was stupid. When faced with a crying and ashamed young mother, desperate to give her child a good life, I don’t see how calling her stupid would be of any use whatsoever.

So we spoke about looking ahead. We spoke about the options for claiming maintenance from the dad. She doesn’t want to, as he’s not interested in baby at all and she doesn’t want him in their lives. However, for the sake of her boy, it might be an option that she’s forced to consider.

I told her to look at her school marks from last year (all level 7 marks – so 70/80 % and up). I told her to remember that she wants to be a journalist. I told her to look at what she has already accomplished – to look at her little boy and see this gorgeous, healthy, happy child who she has raised. Other people would not have managed what she has managed, would not have achieved what she has. Would not love their child as she does. This is something to be proud of. This is something to live for and be motivated by.

She has nothing to be ashamed of. She has only to keep going, to not give up and keep moving forward.  She felt better afterwards, and I’m glad. Guilt and shame kill motivation, kill hope. It kills people.

So no – I will not ever be saying that she was stupid. She made a decision once which may not have been the right one at the time. As we all do. And here she is, dealing with it, as those same people demand that she do.

Anyway. Enough of that. Here are some beautiful pictures of some beautiful people.

 

Teen moms & extended family

The facts

Teen moms often live with their parents or other family. This is not necessarily the right choice for everyone; it all depends on your current family situation and dynamics. Many people believe it’s impossible for 3 generations to live together comfortably in one house, but it CAN work. In fact, having extended family around can be beneficial for everyone. Young mothers have a support structure in place to help and guide them, grandparents can build a very close relationship with their grandchildren (and it keeps them young!), and the grandchildren themselves can benefit from having “extra arms to love them”, and learning to be considerate of other people. It’s only in very recent times that the nuclear family of mother, father and children living alone has been the norm – in generations past and indeed in many cultures today, extended family living together is the norm. It can be tricky to find the correct balance of privacy, compromise and support, but it is possible. Let’s talk about how to do it.

There is less money, less space and less privacy
Everybody’s life changes, not just the teen mom’s life
Sometimes there is tension between grandparents and teen moms
Fighting between the teen mom and her parents will affect the child
If you live with your parents or family – how do you get along? What would you like to change?

The mother’s role

You might be young, but you are still your child’s mother
Even though you might rely on your parents for a home and financial support, the responsibility for looking after your child, making decisions about his life, and disciplining him is still up to you
There is nothing wrong with accepting help: but you must make sure you do not take advantage of your parents: for example, using your mom to babysit so that you can go out all the time
You MUST make sure you are doing your part to make life easier for everyone
You must not let anybody try and “take over” raising your child: he must know that YOU are in charge, otherwise he will not respect your authority

The grandparents’ role

It can be hard for your parents to adjust to being grandparents, especially if it was unexpected. They may be worried that you cannot handle the responsibility, and that they will end up having to raise the child themselves. It’s up to you to make sure they know they don’t have to be worried about this. Most parents love their daughters and want to help her: so they might be offering advice or doing things for baby that you don’t want them to do – it might feel like they’re “taking over”. Realise that in most cases they are simply trying to help you. However, grandparents need to accept that YOU are the mommy, and that your decisions are final.

Grandparents can offer to help financially, or with a certain amount of babysitting, but they cannot be expected to raise this new baby themselves too. As we said, make sure you show them by your behaviour and decisions that you CAN be trusted to be a good parent.

Being a grandparent can be rewarding and special: YOU do the mommy work, and let granny be a granny.

Learning to get along

Sometimes the elders in the family assume they know best, and young moms must listen to them without question. This is not always true: all new moms are still learning, and you WILL make mistakes. Be willing to accept help or advice from your parents, but always make sure you do what YOU feel comfortable with. Sometimes older people want to raise children in an “old-fashioned” way that you might not agree with. This is often the case with outdated health related issues: for instance you might want to only give baby solid foods after 6 months, and your mom wants you to give him porridge at 3 months. It can be difficult to get older parents to adapt to “new” ways of parenting, but they can learn together with you. You need to be TACTFUL and respectful of your parents, but FIRM with them, if you disagree with something.

Communication!

The only way to get along is to TALK!

Have a family meeting, preferably while you are still pregnant,  to discuss what everyone’s roles are: talk about how much babysitting granny will be prepared to do, and when.

Discuss who will look after him when you are at school
Discuss who will do baby’s washing and cooking, who will get up at night to feed him
Discuss how you will share the other housework
Discuss how much your parents will contribute financially
Discuss if they will expect you to move out at some stage
Discuss who will deal with disciplining the child, and make sure you all agree on the rules

The Golden Rules

The key to living with your family is:

Compromise: everybody will have to make some sacrifices and consider other people
Communication: make sure you’re all talking about how you’re feeling, especially when you are unhappy about something
Acceptance: parents need to accept that their daughter is now a mother, and she is the one who has the final say in how things work. Teen moms – you need to accept that you are now a mother, and NOT expect your parents to raise your child for you
Appreciation: you need to show your parents appreciation for what they do for you. Parents need to encourage their daughters in their parenting, and NOT make them feel bad for being a teen mom

Last thing

How your family handles your situation depends on what kind of family you were before. If your family was abusive, dysfunctional or unhappy before – having a new baby in the house will make it even worse. If your family was strong and happy before – you will all be able to handle your new situation.

You need to be strong enough to:

Ask for help if you need it
Not take advantage of your parent’s help
Say NO to your parents if they want to do something you don’t agree with
Show your appreciation to your parents
Speak out about things that bother you
Accept that adults do not always know best: listen to their advice about parenting issues, but in the end YOU are in charge of your child

 

Dating as a teen mom

One of the topics we cover in our sessions is dating and relationships as a teen mom. It’s an important issue – just because you’re now a mother, it does not mean that you no longer want or need a relationship. But being a mom can make dating more complicated – there’s another person to consider and choosing the right partner becomes even more important.

•You have a right to be in a relationship – whether with the father of your child, or someone else. Everybody wants to feel loved, and that’s okay.

•You have the responsibility to make sure that it’s a safe, healthy relationship for you and your child

•Many teen moms are stuck in relationships that are bad for them – and bad for their children

•Sometimes they don’t even realise that the relationship is not good for them

•What do YOU think a healthy relationship looks like?

In a good relationship:

•Both partners feel loved, respected and safe

•Both partners are able to be honest about their feelings without being judged

•Both partners treat each other with kindness, even when they fight

•Both partners have space and time to enjoy their own time alone

•Both partners are encouraged to achieve their own goals & have their own interest

•Both partners contribute equally: emotionally, financially, physically, mentally

•You KNOW that your partner will always have your best interests at heart

•You feel you can be yourself completely – you don’t have to put on any act for your partner to love you

 An unhealthy / unsafe / unworthy relationship:

 •There is any kind of abuse: physical, emotional, sexual, verbal, financial, emotional

•Your relationship has to be kept a secret for any reason

You are scared to be honest about your feelings, because of your partner’s reaction

•Your partner gets angry if you want time alone to do your own thing, or does not respect your own goals, responsibilities or interests

•Your partner needs to know where you are at all times: they want to control you in any way

•You’re not able to argue or disagree without saying cruel or hurtful things

•You feel you can’t truly be yourself with your partner: you have to act a certain way for them to like you

•You feel that you are not equal to your partner: your opinion does not matter

How is dating different for a teen mom?
•As a mom, you have to put your child first. Your child needs your time, your emotional and physical energy. This means that there’s not much time or energy left for a boyfriend

•You have to be extra careful about who you let into your life: you must make sure that your boyfriend is a good person for your child to be around. This will mean saying NO to many potential dates. It can be harder to find a good partner
•Some potential boyfriends will not accept your child – or not want to be around them
•Some people might think you do not have the right to have a boyfriend if you are a mom
•Casual relationships are no longer an option: you need stability in your life, and for your child
•Boys of your age are often not mature enough to handle dating a mother with adult responsibilities
•Safe sex becomes extra important: you cannot afford another unplanned pregnancy, and HIV or STI’s will have a devastating effect on your life and ability to care for your child




Questions to ask your potential partner

•Do you understand and accept that my child comes first? I will not always be available for you when I have other responsibilities to see to

•Do you understand that I still need time to myself?•Will you be willing to build a relationship with my child, slowly and carefully?

•Will you enjoy spending time with my child?•Do you understand that you do not have to take their father’s place, but you will have to ACT like a father towards them?

•Will you be willing to protect my child from harm?•Can I trust you around my child?

Questions to ask yourself

•Do I feel happy in this relationship?

•Am I safe?

Do I feel like I can be myself: or does my partner require me to look or act a certain way?

•Do I feel like my partner is trying to control my behaviour?

•Does this relationship feel like more hard work than it’s worth?

•Can I voice my opinion in my relationship without fear?

•Am I giving and receiving respect?

•Are either of us using the other one: for sex, money, status?

•Is this relationship having a good or bad effect on my child?

Danger signs

If any of these are true for you – it’s time to get out

•My partner abuses me – physically, verbally (name-calling, shouting), emotionally
•My partner needs to know where I am at all times and does not like me doing things with my friends or family
•My partner makes me feel that my child is “in the way”
•He does not want to be around my child
•He gets angry when I have to be with my child and not with him
•He has been unfaithful
•He does not agree to use condoms or other contraception
•He does not agree to be tested for HIV with me
•He says that I don’t trust him, if I request condoms or HIV testing
•He is not honest about his own behaviour or activities
•He wants to keep our relationship a secret for some reason
•He believes that the man is in charge and I do not have any right to question him
•He wants me to dress or look a certain way
•He tells me that I owe him sex to repay what he gives me


The Golden Rules for dating as a teen mom
•Condoms are not-negotiable! As a mom, you have everything to live for. HIV will drastically affect your life, and your child’s life

•There is NOTHING wrong with being single. If you do not find the right partner, it is better to be alone – just you and baby – than being stuck in an unhealthy or dangerous relationship
•You do not owe sex to anyone, regardless of what they might “give” you
•A man who does not accept your child, and your role as a mother, will NEVER make a good partner
•A man who hits you once, will NEVER stop doing it
•Do not rush into finding a new relationship. It’s better to spend the early years of your child’s life focusing on baby, and finding your own way in the world, without the drama of relationships
•Do not rush into letting boyfriend and child meet. Take your time, see where the relationship is going, and what he is REALLY like, before you let them get to know each other
•Do not be tempted to date an older man so that he can “support” you and baby. Make your own way, and do not rely on other people
•Do not let any partner tell you how to raise your child
•Remember that your first responsibility is to baby: you can’t be spending all your time with boyfriend

How do I tell my parents I’m pregnant?

If you’re a teen girl and you’ve just found out you’re pregnant, chances are you’re worried about how to tell your parents. It’s the question girls ask me so often, and the answer – unfortunately – can’t be the same for everyone.

It’s all going to depend on your unique family situation. Things I hear all the time:

They’re going to kill me!

They’ll disown me

They’ll beat me

They’ll kick me out of the house

“They’ll kill me!” is usually her first thought. Fortunately, for most girls this isn’t true. Before you go in there, though – here are some things you should consider.

Give some thought to what your decision might be: are you thinking abortion, adoption, parenting? Only you can answer this question. And when the time comes to discuss it with your parents, you will need to have a sense of what you want, and be able to stand up for your decision
Tell them sooner rather than later. If your parents are paying attention – the longer you leave it, the more likely they are to figure it out for themselves. You will feel better about yourself, and they will have more respect for you – if you don’t try and hide it. Taking charge of the situation, taking the hard step of telling them despite your fear, is a sign that you’re taking responsibility.
They will be angry, scared, disappointed. Even the most loving and supportive of parents are going to be shocked. Expect this, and allow them to feel it.
Realise that at first, their reactions might not reflect their real feelings. Give them a bit of time to calm down.
You know your family best. Some families will be upset at first, but will then calm down and get back to normal. Others will not. Some girls are RIGHT to feel afraid of the consequences, as their families are not the most supportive, or even abusive. If you suspect that this is the case for you, speak to another trustworthy adult first (a teacher, relative, friend), and get them to come with you when you speak to them.
Understand that while all parents SHOULD be supportive – not all are going to be. Their support or lack of it might have an effect on the path you end up choosing.

This is going to be hard. You are going to feel bad. Your parents are going to be hurt, and you are going to be the cause of that hurt. There is no getting around this. There is no easy way to say it. So just spit it out. Get some privacy with them and just say it.

Don’t fight with them. Let them vent. Answer their questions. Tell them you love them and that you need them. Tell them your plan (or the beginnings of it) – let them see that you are taking responsibility.

For most of you – it’s true that no matter how angry they  might be right now – your parents love you.

You can be okay – your whole family can be okay again. It will take some time but it will happen if you all let it.

But first – you have to do the hard thing. Don’t put it off. If you’re reading this, dear preggy girl – go do it now. 

It’s not the end.

Driftsands January 2014

Our first meeting of the new year was in Driftsands on Saturday. Been a long time since I’d seen these ladies –  missed them! We had a number of new members join us – also many neighbourhood children wandered in randomly to play and eat muffins

We discussed our goals for the year and each mom made a poster with their own personal list for 2014. Many of the Driftsands moms are currently studying either at school or college – so passing well was a big focus for many of them.

What’s still missing is the time to spend with individual moms – we have to get closer to getting me out of the day job and into the community full time. It’s needed, desperately.