Tracy Engelbrecht's Blog, page 4

Nosy questions

Some very basic questions – am interested in hearing the answers from across different age groups to see how different the numbers are.

Please share this post – would love lots of answers.

 

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Sex *FemaleMaleSomething elseCurrent Age *Age you first had sex *type_submit_reset_9SubmitReset

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My girlfriend is pregnant – now what?

First. The fact that you’re reading this is a good thing. You may be confused and scared – looking for answers is a sign that you’re taking this seriously. For that, thank you. You will be okay – you have a lot of thinking, soul-searching and learning to do now, but you’re on the right track. The time that’s coming is going to change your life forever. It’s a chance to find out the kind of person you really are. It’s okay to be scared. It’s what you do next that counts.

A lot will depend on your current circumstances and relationship – but you need to make sure she understands that you’re there for her. She needs medical attention urgently (no matter what she decides to do), she needs to tell her family and begin making plans for the future. Denial helps nobody – help her take the steps she needs to.

Many boys ask me the following:

How do I tell my parents?

Do it soon. You WILL need your parents help – there’s no way around it. Many boys assume the worst of their parents – convinced they will be kicked out the house. This is not necessarily true. Before you tell them, make sure that you and your girlfriend have spoken, and have at least the beginning of a plan. You don’t have to have all the answers yet. But you need to show your parents that you are taking charge. They will be angry, disappointed, upset – all of these. You have to accept their initial feelings – knowing that usually, parents do come around and accept the situation. If this is not the case, you’re going to need outside help. Speak to a relative, teacher, counsellor for help if your parents are not supportive.

What if it’s not my child?

You can request a paternity test after the baby’s born. The important question to ask yourself here is: do I have a valid reason to think it’s possibly not my child, or am I just looking for a way out? Be honest with yourself. Until you know for sure, if you have had sex with her, you have to assume that it’s your child.

How can I make her have an abortion / keep the baby?

You do not have the right to make a decision on whether abortion, adoption or parenting is chosen. This is very hard for many young men to understand – but it’s a case of basic biology. The person who is pregnant is the only one who can make this decision, because it is her body and life that is going to be most affected by the pregnancy itself. You have to accept this. Of course, you are entitled to tell her what you’d like – but understand that this does not mean pressuring her. She is going to face enough pressure from other people – you need to be the one she can count on. The outcome may not be what you want. Your job right now is to accept her decision and move forward from there. If she decides on abortion, it could help if you are with her. Ask her what she needs. If she does decide to keep the baby, you might have the following concerns:

I’m not interested in being a father

This is, of course, your choice. In South Africa, you have the legal responsibility to support your child financially, even if you don’t have a relationship with them. Even if you choose not to be involved, you’re still legally required to pay maintenance. I’d ask you to consider this very carefully. There will be a child out there – your child – who has a right to have his parents care for him. Besides your financial responsibility – even more importantly – you have an emotional responsibility. Many young dads are not initially interested, only to find themselves regretting this choice years later. It’s not only your life that will be affected. Please think about this and be sure. A parent is either 100% in or 100% out. Consistency is very important – your child will need to know they can rely on you, not just turning up whenever you feel like it. Your decision now will affect you and your child for the rest of your lives. It’s not a decision to be made out of selfishness or fear.

 

We’re no longer together or I don’t want to be with her

That’s okay. You don’t have to be involved to take responsibility and to be a good father, if that’s what happens. Many parents manage to raise their children well, without being together any longer. It takes a lot of effort from everyone involved – but it CAN be done. Do not stay with a person you don’t love “for the sake of the baby” – this will only hurt your child more in the long run. You STILL have the responsibility to be an involved and PRESENT father, even if you’re not with his / her mother.

What must I do while she’s pregnant?

This will depend on your relationship status with her, and how much time you’re physically together. What she needs now is somebody that she can count on, who will not let her down when she’s vulnerable and scared. She needs to see that you are committed to being a father. Doesn’t matter if you’re together or not – you can still visit / speak to her and find out how she’s feeling, how the pregnancy is progressing. Even better if you can attend her doctor’s visits with her. Spend this time building your your relationship with her – whether it’s a romantic one or just a friendship. You are going to be connected forever, through your child, and baby needs parents who put their own dramas aside to be mom and dad. Learn about pregnancy, birth and parenting. Prepare yourself for what is coming.

How can I afford a baby?

Honestly, if you’re a teenager, the answer is that you probably can’t. Both parents have the responsibility to provide for their child financially. Reality is, if both of you are still at school, you’re going to need help. Many young dads are tempted to drop out and find work to support their child. I fully understand this – but everybody needs to be aware that for both you and baby’s mom, your education has to be a priority in the long run. You WILL need your family’s help at first. Working part time may be an option, but you cannot let your education go. You need to find a way, as does she.

How do I know she’s using the money for the baby?

The baby is entitled to maintenance payments from the parent he / she does not live with – that’s probably you. Your baby’s mother may approach the maintenance court for them to set an amount you need to pay. My advice is  don’t force her to do that. Understand that from now on, the money you DO have needs to go to your child. It’s not for the mother. If you are worried that the money is not going towards caring for baby, then go shopping yourself instead of giving money. The only way you’re going to know, is if you spend time with your child.

But I don’t know how to be a dad

Bad news: nobody does! Good news: everybody learns. Many young dads make the mistake of thinking that fatherhood is only about providing financially. THIS IS NOT TRUE. Even if you cannot currently provide material things – you can and should be spending time with your child. The only way anybody learns to be a parent is by DOING IT. Everything mom does, dad can do too. This means changing nappies, feeding, bathing. Ask to be shown how. Show your interest, show your commitment, keep trying even when you make a mess of it. Don’t be scared of baby. Everybody is clueless at first, and everybody learns. Physical contact and the “chores” of parenting is the best way to build a bond with your child. Ask yourself what kind of father you want to be. Do you want your child to know you will always be there for them? This starts from birth. You CAN do it.

She doesn’t want me to be around

This is probably the hardest situation. First, ask yourself why. ARE you doing everything you can to be a good father? Does she have a valid reason for being concerned? Be honest with yourself. If you find reasons why she could feel that way, then fix it. If you’re doing all you can and she still does not want you around – you could approach a family counsellor and the family court for them to intervene and provide access to your child. This will be a long process and you need to be committed to it. The first step for both of you, as always, is talking to each other. Start while she’s still pregnant. Discuss how you want things to work once baby is born, lay out your responsibilities, and hers, and have a plan before baby is born.

This is not about you, and it’s not about her. Both of you need to put your personal feelings aside for the sake of your child. Whether or not the mother is doing the right thing, you need to make sure that you are. You need to be able to look your child in the eye one day and say  you did all you could.

Finally

As a father, your life is going to change. You will need to juggle school, parenting, maybe work. It’s going to be difficult. Learn, ask what you can do, be there, love your child and take responsibility for your life and choices. Being a teen father is nothing to be ashamed about. It’s the kind of father you are that counts. And no matter how young you are – the kind of dad you are is totally up to you.

 

 

Meeting photos: December 2013

Last meeting of the year for Masi. We broke out the cookies and icing and sprinkles and had fun decorating our cookies – moms included. Oh, and there was also ice-cream

Was expecting chaos and noise and mess. Nope. None of that. Have never seen a bunch of quieter toddlers. And surprisingly little mess (in fact, I was the messiest when I was dishing out the ice cream).

 

Just btw, in case you were wondering, our moms have all given permission for their photos to be shown online. Those who have not given permission do not appear in pics.

Would you want your daughter to be a teen mom?

It’s a question I get asked often. This and the questions below have all been said to me by real people, sometimes people I’d considered friends.

 

I get that you love him, but I’m sure you wish he wasn’t born, hey?

You’re not like “those other” teen moms. You’re the exception.

It’s good that you’ve made the best of a bad situation.

I’m sure you think you’re happy, but you could have been so much more.

At your age, you should be *insert-debauched-activity-here*

I’m sure you wouldn’t want your daughter to be a teen mom, would you?

 

Let’s address the last one. It’s fitting, as today is my daughter Layla’s 12th birthday. That’s her there – she’s awesome. Would I want her to be a teen mom?

 

This is (once again) not the right question.

I know what I want for my children: it’s very simple: to be happy, and to be good. That’s it. Nothing more – no other expectations. I don’t want them to pursue a particular career, have a particular sexual orientation, choose a particular religion, have children/not have children/, marry or not marry.

I want them to be happy and good.

It’s my job to show them ways to be good (by example, mostly) – and give them opportunities to find their happiness. But what that happiness looks like to them is not my decision. Not my business. They must find their way themselves.

As a mommy, I also (unrealistically) want my children to never struggle. I want their lives to be smooth sailing. I don’t want them to be hurt. I don’t want them to cry. I want things to be easy for them.

This, of course, is impossible. We ALL struggle, we all cry, we all hurt. If I’ve done my job, they will find a way to turn those challenges and struggles into more goodness, and more happiness.  To be resilient – take responsibility for their choices, learn and grow.

Back to the question.

If my daughter becomes pregnant as a teen, we would handle it the way we’d handle any challenge: support her while she makes her choices, support her whatever choice she makes, and stand by her as she steps up and takes charge of her life.

It would be the same if my child contracted HIV, lost a leg, failed a grade at school, had their heart broken… whatever challenge comes along, we will handle it together, because that’s what families do.

Everything we do has consequences. Teen pregnancy has life-changing consequences. It’s my job to make sure my children are aware of those consequences, how to avoid them or avoid putting themselves in the situation where they could happen.

It’s also my job to make sure they understand that nothing is impossible to overcome. Nothing is insurmountable. Nothing can ruin you, unless you let it. Resilience, responsibility and strength. That’s part of the goodness I want to grow in them.

So if you’re still asking me if I want my daughter to be a teen mom: the answer is: it doesn’t matter. Whatever she does, whatever hurdles she faces – whether of her own making or not – all I want is for her to stand up, take charge, be good, and be happy.

No other answer will do.

YMS in every school

You know we want to take Young Mom Support forward as a full time venture. Mostly, this seems more like a pipe-dream than a real possibility. But let’s dream for a second.

Late this year, we started weekly YMS workshop sessions at the Youth Centre for our school-age moms. These Wednesday after-school sessions are more formal than our Saturday morning get-togethers. Each hour long session has a specific topic – I provide the materials and Phakama leads the discussion. The smaller, more intimate setting allows the moms to share more personal stories which they may not feel comfortable doing in a bigger group.

If I had to imagine what Young Mom Support would look like in the future:

We’d have our own drop in venue: a small house close to Masiphumelele. Location is tricky: too far away from our targeted community and the moms can’t get there. Too close to the middle – and they lose their privacy as everybody sees them going in and that causes trouble. Also, we have to consider OTHER communities: do we focus on Masi / Ocean View? So many other places need us too – and we ARE far away in the middle of nowhere.

Our lil house would be open all day: pregnant and parenting teens could drop in to have a chat, meet other moms, look for help, attend workshops and other interesting classes. We’d train and then employ some of our current young moms as peer counsellors  - they’d be involved in all aspects of running the centre.

We’d run weekly formal workshop sessions at our venue, but ALSO run satellite groups in other areas, partnering with local schools. Imagine a YMS group in every high school. Pregnant and parenting learners could have access to advice, parenting support and a dedicated group of peers who understand what they’re going through. Having this support would be essential to keeping her in school, and improving her chances of passing Matric successfully. Would also take some of the load off teachers who don’t have the time to address the specific needs of parenting students. These groups would initially be run by us – but it would eventually be handed over to group members with leadership potential to run their own school’s group.

We’d make sure we had good relationships with the local clinics, hospitals, TOP providers, schools and other service providers, so we could work together to find solutions to any situation a young mom might face.

I also dream about providing easily-accessible childcare for moms at school, emergency accommodation for those who can’t stay at home, and opportunities for our best and brightest to study further.

Is it too much? Can it be done? It can. Eventually – it will be. We’ll get there.

Oh, and here are the pics from our last Masi meeting. Forgot to post them earlier!

 

 

Planning a baby at 17?

Initial question I received via our Tumblr site – I suspect from an overseas reader. Have posted my reply to her below, and some extra thoughts after.

 

Question: I am 17 and my partner is 21, we want to try for a baby sometime soon. He has a well paying full time job and a place of our own. I think we would be wonderful parents! Thoughts?

Answer:

You’re not going to like it   While I don’t doubt you’d be great parents, I’m more concerned about the future and stability of your relationship. Of course its it’s possible it can last. But what if it doesn’t? Many relationships don’t survive the strain of a baby. Are you willing and able to manage completely by yourself if he’s no longer there? It’s one thing to get pregnant by accident and then start tackling the issues.

Its another to do it on purpose when you have the opportunity to stop and take a breath, and consider all the angles first. There’s no harm in giving your relationship time first. Not because I don’t think you’d be a good mom.  But because I think that considering the ugly possibility that your relationship could end, would be the mature thing to do. Have a look at this article for some more things to consider: Are you ready to be a mother?

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Some more thoughts:

It might seem funny to say I’d worry less about a teen with an unplanned pregnancy, than I would about one who planned everything down to the last.  Hear me out.

We all do stupid things sometimes. Unprotected sex being one of them. When an unplanned pregnancy happens – it’s often a huge wake up call to all involved. A chance to make some hard choices about their lives, and look at their future, and themselves – entirely differently. It’s a turning point for many, and regardless of what’s gone before, they’re now having to make the decision to do it properly, or not at all. Things get real, very quickly.  Whether their relationship, financial, school or family situations are ideal or not – they are forced to deal with it.  If you’d been thinking of how complicated things would be, you wouldn’t be here in the first place, right? You WEREN’T thinking about it, and so here we are. Moving forward. You’re not dealing with the “what-if’s”- you’re dealing with “what is”.

Parenting at any age is tough. Parenting young is more complicated.

What worries me about this particular reader’s situation is the following:

She believes she’d be a good mother (we have zero way of knowing if that’s true or not – let’s assume it is) – and yet she’s looking to me for approval, wanting me to say go ahead, it will all be fine. Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. In the end, it will be what she makes it. But only if she’s considering all the realities. It feels like she isn’t. Of course I could be wrong. But I’ve seen many new parents (not just teen ones!) – going into it believing things will be a certain way, and being totally unprepared for what’s real.

She hasn’t mentioned her plan for what she’ll do if the boyfriend disappears. It happens. A lot. Every pregnant woman, regardless of age, should be thinking what she’d do if the father was not around for any reason.

If you’re basing your preparedness for parenthood on the fact that you have a partner – you’re making a mistake.

Am I willing to do this alone? 

Maybe you won’t have to. But you’ll know that if you need to, you can. That’s what a child needs: a parent who’s considered all the possibilities and is willing to deal with anything.

 

 

Where are her morals?

We did an awesome interview a couple of weeks ago with Umuntokanje – my favourite interview ever, I think. Read the interview here. The questions were well-considered and thoughtful.  Some of the responses – not so much. This one, for instance. Just an example, and I don’t know  how the person asking really feels about teen moms (she didn’t respond to my replies). I suspect, however, that she feels morally superior to me, and any other teen mom. Which is her right, I guess, but I find it misplaced and a sign of some shallow thinking.

 

As a sexually active teenager, what are/ were your morals and values???…I would really like to hear and understand this. Help me out yall.

— Tshiamo Thebe (@TshiaThebe) November 8, 2013

Please give me a moment to get up on my soapbox. There we go. (At this point I’d usually warn people to toddle off and find something better to do if this is going to make them cross. Today I’m going to ask them to stay and read what I have to say. I’m NOT preaching to the choir here, I want others to hear it)

Let’s talk about morals and values for a sec. Words that get thrown about a lot, but…

Morals and values hey. If only the kids of today had some, then they wouldn’t all be shagging like rabbits, right? Hmmm…

Sex has nothing to do with morality at all. Sex is about health: physical, emotional, mental. It can have consequences that affect any or all of those health aspects. Having sex does not change who you are (this is something that parents and teenagers alike need to know: you’re still exactly the same person the morning after). You are always the same person, but having sex can have consequences that affect your life. Responsible behaviour means that you take this into account when making your sexual decisions.

Morals are always, always ALWAYS subjective. If they are based on religious principles, for example, they will not apply to anyone who doesn’t share your beliefs. What most people call morals are just learned rules of behaviour that fit your current society, family or culture.

No two people have exactly the same morals – because, I believe, that they haven’t defined what morality is correctly.

I do not believe for one second that having sex makes you a bad person.  Or that NOT having sex makes you a good one.

Sex and morals intersect in how you treat your partner(s): this is where issues of faithfulness, consent, the power dynamics of relationships, kindness, trust etc come in. Are you lying to a partner? Are you abusing their trust? Are you taking advantage of their feelings for you in any way? If you have the advantage (in age, money, experience), are you looking out for their best interests, if they can’t or won’t? Are you hurting them (or anyone else) in any way?

THAT is morality. That is where your lectures on morals belong. For the rest of the sex conversations, focus on facts. Safe sex, HIV, STI & pregnancy prevention. The fact that sex can have consequences which can seriously complicate your life. Facts cannot be argued with. What YOU call morals – can be.

So – to the lady who asked what my morals are:

For me, what is MORAL comes down to what is universal between two human beings: the tiniest, most basic interaction between two people.

I will treat you how I want to be treated:

with kindness, respect and dignity. This can apply regardless of the society, culture, family, country or even century you’re living in. You can’t break it down any further than that. Morality is goodness between people, without external rules. It comes from inside and if you have it, you will not murder, you will not steal or rape or bully or oppress or hurt. Whether you’re a Christian, Muslim, atheist or Martian – you can have exactly the same morals.

That is MY moral code, and it doesn’t have anything to do with sex. You cannot tell a person’s moral standing by simply checking their sexual history.

What do I value? In myself, in my children and in other people, I value kindness, gentleness, respect, dignity, curiosity, intelligence, questioning, deep thinking, hard work, responsibility and humility.

You might think it’s being pedantic, defining morality this way. I don’t agree. Words are important, and people do not think hard enough about what they mean.

Tell a teen that premarital sex means they’re a bad person, and they’ll soon realise (after doing it) – that who they are has not changed. Why should they trust you again? Why should they believe anything else you might tell them? Your credibility is out the window. All you’ve done is introduce guilt and doubt in themselves. On top of that, people who rely on morality lectures to discourage sexual activity, tend to neglect the factual parts. So their teens are having sex, not knowing all the facts, not knowing how to protect themselves, and feeling guilty and ashamed. A recipe for disaster.

Lessons on healthy relationships and how to treat partners should be emphasised in sex education, as well as the facts. There’s no room for shame. It does more harm than good.

When thinking of teen moms – the gauge of her morality is in how she treats her child. That’s the place to look, to find out the kind of person she is.

You won’t find it anywhere else.

 

Determination

I’m glad to see that the majority of comments on this Cape Argus post were positive.

Post by Cape Argus.

My kingdom for a shed

You will remember (due to my constant nagging) that we’ve been needing a storage shed for a long time.

When we first started, our donated clothing and goods used to live in my bedroom. Then that got too much. Layla gave up her bedroom to share with me, so we could stack boxes and stuff in her room. Then THAT got too much. So we’ve been renting a wee quarter-garage sized storage unit for a while now. It costs R700 a month (which as you know, we don’t have) – and is an endless headache.

It means countless trips to storage to:

Add new items when they’re donated and collect items after every meeting which moms have requested. It’s way too small now, and our crates have been piled on top of each other. It’s a mess, it’s expensive, we can’t keep our goods as organised as we’d like to, and sometimes we can’t find things that the moms have asked for.

So. We needed a shed which we could keep at home, so we’d have easy (and free!) access to all our stuff.  Also, we could then use that R700 a month on other necessities for the group.

Then! This month we were nominated for, and received, a R10 000 donation from The Charles Glass Society (!). My boss is a member – they meet, they drink, they give away cash to charities every year. We’re so grateful for the boost. It couldn’t have come at a better time, honestly. We considered using the money for a Christmas party, but decided against it. The shed has been at the top of the list for a long time and the money saved every month will make a more lasting difference than a once-off party. So, while we’re sad not to be having a party this year, we’re really chuffed that our shed is going to become a reality.

Arbor Site have very kindly offered to provide us with a 3×6 m wendy      house at far less than their usual cost. We’re in the process of clearing the land in the garden and we hope to have it installed shortly.

Thank you to Leon and the team at Arbor Site – much appreciated! Will definitely be posting pics once it’s all in place.

 

 

 

New banking details

We’re the proud owners of a brand new FNB bank account.  Our old Standard Bank account is still open so don’t worry, it will still work!

For those of you who have donated in the past – THANK YOU!

For those who’d like to put us on your Christmas list – THANK YOU!

Our new banking details are as follows:

Bank: FNB

Account Name: Young Mom Support

Account number 62437922489

Branch code: 255355

Friends outside of SA, or if you’d prefer to use Paypal / credit card: use the Donate widget on the right of the screen. It will take you through the Paypal payment process.

Having an attack of warm fuzzies today – thank you to everyone who remembers us.  I am so grateful.

 

xxxx