Alexa Shepard's Blog

The Gift That Dory Gave Me

Sometimes the most unexpected moments hold the deepest truths. One evening, I sat with my granddaughter Violet to watch Finding Dory. What began as a simple movie night turned into a tender conversation—one about memory, love, and what it means to be held even when we forget.

This excerpt comes from my upcoming memoir, A Year With My Dad, where I explore the hidden gifts discovered in the journey through dementia.

Some conversations stay with you, like a song you didn’t know you loved until you found yourself singing it in the shower.  (Every day).  It’s strange how certain words echo long after the talking’s done.  Some of them leave you standing there, arms full of your own sadness and someone else’s, not even sure which is heavier.

     It was one of our regular Friday night traditions when we watch the grandkids—movie night on the couch.  Popcorn everywhere, wrappers crammed between couch cushions, the whole shebang.  We’ve pretty much run out of the “classics” to watch, so that night we landed on Finding Dory.  I’d seen it before, thought Dory was hilarious, all forgetful and quirky.  Never really went beyond that, honestly.  Until that night slammed me in the chest.

     Dory, in case you somehow missed it, is this bright blue fish who can’t remember squat—names, places, even what she was just saying.  Every scene’s like Deja vu on steroids: confusion, panic, hope, and then—poof—she forgets.  It’s almost funny, until you actually pay attention.  Then it’s heartbreaking.

     Halfway through, Violet—she’s nine, big eyes, popcorn breath—snuggles closer under the blanket and just hits me with this look.  The serious one.  “Grandma, do people really have memory problems like that?”

     Didn’t see that coming.  My chest went tight.  All those times I’d watching Dory, and never once did my brain pull up my dad.  But right then, boom—there he was.  Clear as day.

      I felt a sudden tightness in my chest.  All the times I’d seen that movie, I never connected Dory to my dad.  But in that moment, I did.  Completely.      

     Her eyes searched mine, waiting.

     “Yes, “ I said softly.  “Some people do.”

     She was quiet for a minute.  Then, the next question, quiet but heavy.  ”Do you know someone who has memory problems like Dory?”

     Deep breath..  “Yes, sweetheart.  Your great-grandpa, my dad,  he does.”

     Her face just crumpled, like the news physically hurt.  “Great Grandpa?  really?  That must be awful.”

  “It is, I said.  No sugarcoating.  “But just like Nemo helps Dory, I help Great Grandpa.  I’m his memory now, I carry what he can’t hold onto and help him find his way.

     She leaned into me, blanket up to her chin, and whispers, “That makes me sad.”

     Tears welled in my eyes—not just because she said it, but because I finally saw it—this sorrow wasn’t just mine.  Somehow, it had tiptoed into her heart too, this kid who feels things deeper than most adults I know.  She was carrying a piece of it, without even having the words.

And right there,  in that quiet, heavy moment, I realized something—maybe that’s a blessing too.

Grief. Is unpredictable.  When you let someone in—really let them in—it’s it’s like building a bridge out of all those broken pieces.  Suddenly, there’s this space, almost sacred, where you just sit with another person (like Violet and me, huddled up on that old couch) and you don’t have to say anything.  No fixing, no explaining.  Just being there.  Just love.  That’s it.

     I always thought dementia was just a thief.  Like, it comes in the night and snatches away memories, abilities, any sense of control.  But, really?  Sometimes it brings stuff too.  It cracks you open, let’s in a different kind of love—the kind that doesn’t need words or even memories to be real.  You just get these strange, beautiful moments: a shared blanket, a kid teaching you how to be honest about grief.

     Maybe that’s what nobody talks about—the amazing grace of grieving together.  The way you find the guts to keep loving, even when everything feels like it’s falling apart.

Watching Violet take in Dory’s story reminded me that even in the midst of forgetfulness, there are anchors of love that hold us steady. Sometimes those anchors come through the words of a child, reminding us that joy and resilience live side by side.

Moments like these are the heart of my memoir—small glimpses of grace that carry me through caring for my father.

Why?

A month ago we had the privilege of hanging out with our two year old grandson, Griff. His mom and dad were in the hospital awaiting the arrival of a new baby sister. We had some very fun and very BUSY days as we navigated our high energy little grandson.

Like most two year olds he has a favorite game he likes to play. It’s called the ‘why?’ game. Now, this is not my first rodeo playing the why game—so I felt pretty comfortable in this arena. I managed to navigate through the endless why’s from my five kids through the years, so I dusted off the cobwebs from my old skill and put it to good use. I must say though, my grandson was a professional ‘why question asker’ and as the day rolled into a week, I was kinda thinking he might actually win the game. Little sister was not quite ready to face the world yet, or possibly not ready to hear the endless whys from big brother.

So—to win the game of course, you can’t just say “because, or because I said so.” You have to keep answering every why question with an answer until one of you gives up. The winner is the one who doesn’t give up. And let me tell you, after five days I realized that my rusty gift was well…rusty.

Toward the end of the week Griff was really tired. He didn’t want to stop all the fun we were having so he hadn’t had a nap all week. I announced that we were going to go and take a nap. We read our allotment of books, said goodnight to all our stuffed friends and I said “okay time to sleep”. And then he asked……

Why?

So I decided to pull the mom card and said, “Because your mommy said that your body needs to rest so you can have energy to get up and play some more.” I was bringing in a credible source to back up my answer.

“Why?”

“Because your body needs to recharge. Like when we have to plug in our phones to charge the battery.”

And this went on for many more repetitions. Him asking why, me answering . Until finally I said……..

“Because God made us that way.”

And of course he said…… “Why?”

I then stated…“Because God loves us.”

And there was silence. For about five seconds….. and then he said, “Oh, O-tay.”

What??? I won!!!!

Later I would think about that exchange and wonder what it was that made that answer the one that made sense to him. But then I started thinking about my own life and how so many times that answer had made sense when nothing else did. When my parents said be careful with what crowd you hang out with or eat your vegetables and not all that junk food. Or later in life when I needed to get more sleep or take better care of my health. All those things were because they were good for us. They protected us from bad things or bad outcomes. And it all comes down to God protecting us from hurt. And why? Because he loves us.

When my son came home from the hospital with his precious new baby girl, I gave him the rundown on all the fun things we did and all the funny moments we had gotten to experience with his son. And of course I told him I was exhausted from all the whys! Then, I didn’t mean to gloat, but I told him about me finally winning the why game with “because God loves us.” My son was silent for a minute and then he said….

“Huh.. I just ask him why back, and it confuses him and he forgets what the question was.”

Well maybe he could have shared that little tip with me before he left the “whyanator” with me!!

What God Says About Adoption

I am adopted. I don’t remember ever being told this, it was just something I always knew. I remember asking my mom one day when I was in seventh or eighth grade, when they had told me. She replied, “Since the day we brought you home. “ I rocked you every night and told you how special you were to us because we had adopted you.” Perhaps that is why I always truly felt special. Special, but not different. I had a mom and dad who loved me, a brother and sister who played and fought with me, Grandparents who gave me cookies for breakfast, aunts and uncles who were my second set of parents, and cousins that I cant imagine not having in my life. Someone kissed my boo boo’s and spanked my bottom when I was disobedient. I was just like everyone else. But I also felt like I was hand picked by God and placed exactly where he wanted me. I wouldn’t know how true that was until years later.

You see a few months ago I was reunited with my birth family. What an incredible gift! Their story, my back story, was beautiful and heart wrenching at the same time. As they shared their heart with me, I was deeply touched by the thin threads that God had chosen to weave together in my life. My “birth” grandmother has prayed for me every day of my life. My birth mother prayed over my bassinet that God would take care of me. Perhaps this made all the difference. On some level God reached down into this girls heart and directed my thoughts and I just knew, God had me.

So it got me thinking about how God feels about adoption. I opened my bible. Adoption in the bible contains both a legal aspect and a spiritual aspect. Legally it is simply having a new family. Spiritually it is a beautiful picture of our salvation.

As I dug deeper I discovered that there were people in the bible, people chosen by God, who were adopted.. The story of Moses is the first time we see adoption mentioned in the book of Exodus. Moses was born at a time when being a baby was a dangerous thing. The Pharaoh of Egypt made a decree that all baby boys would be killed. Moses’ mother put him into a basket and placed him in the river. Moses could have died, but instead God orchestrated it so he would be saved. Moses was found and adopted by Pharoahs daughter. I want to point out that Moses was not seen as “adopted”. The Pharaohs daughter took him in as her own and he was royalty. There was no question of his worthiness or his heredity. He simply belonged. Perhaps this was a foreshadowing of God making us an heir to Him. Moses went on to be an instrument of God. I have heard that story all through my life in church. What never struck me before was that adoption was God’s solution to mans killing of babies. What a beautiful illustration of our loving God, and how He feels about adoption.

Another person we see in the bible that was adopted, was Ester. Ester was adopted by her older cousin, Mordeciai, and he raised her as his daughter after her parents were killed. Ester went on to save her Jewish people from being destroyed. Again, God had a plan for her.

But here is the one that really gripped my heart. I had never even thought about it before, but the discovery was an incredible jewel.. Jesus, Gods own son, was adopted by Joseph. I cannot help but think that God finds adoption so beautiful that he wove it into his own son’s story!!

“Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me,” Such a simple verse, but it truly reveals the heart of Christ. Accepting children and regarding them highly was always at the core of His message. 

 “But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption. So you are no longer a slave, but God's child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir.” – Galatians 4:4-5 & 7. The bible is full of verses about being adopted by God as our road to salvation. God chose Israel among all the other nations to be a Father to them. And God refers to us as his children. He is our Father. God chooses to adopt us into his family through His son, Jesus.

I am adopted. I am no different than anyone else. Because honestly, we are all adopted. What it really comes down to is this. We are God’s. He simply entrusts other people to care for us.

Kind Words

About a year ago I had one of those days. You know the kind I’m talking about where you wake up without a care in the world, a smile on your face and your day begins to unravel from there. It was my day to hang out with the grand kids so I picked Violet up and decided to drop in on my parents and say hi. Violet loves to play the “marble game” and my dad quickly responded to her request to play with her. He sat on the floor laughing at Violet’s sweet and silly nuances. My mom was having trouble with changing all their automatic deposits to a new account number and asked for my help. I looked at the clock. Just enough time to make a couple calls and get to Ezra’s school to pick him up. I called the Veterans Admin and ran into a snag. Even though I had, months prior, filled out all the paperwork to become a legal voice for my dad, they couldn’t find the paperwork. They said they had to talk with him to get the information. My dad piped up and said today was a good day and he thought he could do it. With no other option I handed him the phone. To verify his identity they wanted information from 70 years ago! What was the exact date you went into the military, what was the exact date you were discharged? What was your id number and the list went on. My dad became confused. I became angry. I hung up the phone but my dads face had dropped. Violet tugged on his hand to play again, but my dad just shook his head and said, “not now”. Where there was once joy and laughter, in its place was sadness. I was angry that they stole that from him. I looked at the clock. Even if I hurried, I would be late to pick up Ezra. Something frowned upon.

I was filled with thoughts of anger and sadness, filled with grief that I had to abruptly leave, and feeling rushed to avoid the lecture I knew I was about to receive for being late. As I rounded the corner, there was an accident at the intersection. Oh great I thought. I had a quick fleeting thought that had I been running on time, I may have been in that accident. But soon I was back to brooding in my head about my upcoming lecture. When I arrived at the school I ran with Violet in my arms, the whole time playing out in my head the exchange I was going to have with said teacher. Let’s just say they were not kind and apologetic. The teacher smiled as I walked up and told Ezra I was here. That’s it. As I pulled out of the parking lot my mind was still unwinding. And that is when Ezra’s little voice came from the back and said, “Grandma, I love you.” And all the weight I was carrying lifted off of me. I actually let out a breath that I hadn’t even known I was holding. My heart melted. It softened. Kind words.

A week after that ordeal, my dad was in the hospital. He pointed to one of the nurses aids and said, “She has not stopped smiling all day. She is the happiest person I have ever seen.” From my vantage point I could see her walking up and down the halls and indeed she had a huge smile on her face. When one of the alarms went off in my dads room, she was the one to come in and turn it off. I told her what my dad had said, and I kid you not that girl smiled even bigger! She went on to tell us her story and before she left she said, “thank you , it means a lot to me that you would notice .” Kind words.

We don’t always give kind words, and we don’t always receive kind words, but the Bible is full of kind words to us. God says, “you are forgiven”, “you are my beloved”, “you are my heir”, “You are beautifully and wonderfully made.” “you are valuable.” Kind words can soften a heart. Kind words can multiply a joyous heart. Kind words can jolt you out of your negative head space, just like they did for this grandma.

Words are so incredibly powerful. If you doubt that your words have power, remember that God SPOKE the whole world into existence, and we are the only creatures on earth who God gave the ability to speak words.. King Solomon, author of most of the book of Proverbs, said this, “ Death and life are in the power of the tongue”. Proverbs 18:21 Words have the potential to produce positive and negative consequences. They have the power to give life through encouragement and honesty, or to crush and kill with anger and lies.

The old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me, is simply not true. Superficial wounds can heal, but often wounds from words tend to cut deeper and stay with us longer, being almost impossible to heal. Words being spoken to us as a child, especially before the age of six, have been proven to stay in our subconscious and direct our decisions and path in life. That is quite a bit of power!

The bible also tells us that words have the power to heal. Proverbs 16:24 Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul, and healing to the body. Praying for someone, encouraging someone, or building someone up are all kind words. Kind words can be a soothing balm to someone who has a broken heart, is grieving, or dealing with difficult situations.

It is up to each one of us to decide what we will do with this power of our words. Will we wield them as a weapon to kill someones spirit, or will we use them as a soothing balm to touch their heart? I am convicted in my belief that God knows the incredible power the spoken word has, and this is why……

One day we will stand before God and give an account for all the things in our life, and by our own words we will be justified, or we will be condemned. Matthew 12:36-" “I tell you, on the day of judgement people will give an account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” This is a warning that we should measure our words carefully.

Never miss an opportunity to tell someone how much they mean to you. Never wait to tell someone you love them, because you may not get another chance. Too often we underestimate the power of a kind word, an encouraging word, or an honest compliment, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. At the very least it changed the course of this grandma’s day, and showered a little perspective on the things that matter the most.

Breakfast At Our House

I love my backyard. On any given day it is a flurry of activity. It seems Dr Doolittle lived here and no one told the animals he moved away…. I am entertained by the quail mom and dad and their little tiny babies following behind so diligently. I am amazed by the javelinas that let puppy lick their noses through the gate, and the cardinals stark red beauty that contrasts with the desert tans. I love the tiny bunnies that cause my grand daughter to raise her little hand to her face and declare, “oh how cuuuuute!”. But perhaps the most entertaining and charming inhabitants of my backyard are the squirrels. I am awakened on some days, in the early morning hours, with the plink plink of one of them running across the old piano on our back porch.

Throughout the day there is a constant comedy show going on as those squirrels climb the bird-feeder pole to get to the sunflower seeds stored inside, only to slide down fireman style in their attempts. One day we watched a young hawk stalking said squirrel, only to realize after a few attempts that the squirrel was way too big. Once Mr Squirrel realized this, he taunted him with silly tricks. Sometimes at dusk a great majestic owl perches in the tree overlooking our yard, and in the night we hear “hoo hoo, hoo, hoo”, lulling us to sleep.

Yet the most amazing thing to see, is all these creatures of God, live in harmony together. They share their food, their water and mingle together rubbing feather and fur. Our desert tortoise even shares his lettuce with Mr Squirrel, the two of them munching in perfect peace.

As I watch, coffee in hand from my kitchen table, I think, “why is it so hard for people to live in such harmony?” The commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself,” is often a difficult one. I don’t know if you ever had a difficult neighbor, but I think there is most likely one on every street. There is the nosy neighbor who watches everything and reports to everyone, there is the self assigned undercover HOA police one, who reports every tiny infraction, and there is the teenage boy who just got a drum set and invites his new garage band over at 1 am to practice! Eww it is soooo hard to love those neighbors!

But if I am really honest, one of the hardest things about loving your neighbor as yourself, is that if I truly loved them as I love myself, most days I wouldn’t be doing them any favors. I can be pretty hard on myself. It seems clear to me that the second commandment is two part. First, love yourself. Second, love your neighbor. Love your neighbor is the second commandment, and Jesus says it is like the first commandment which is to love your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. If we keep those two commandments in the proper order we can fulfill both, because a heart filled with love for God naturally overflows.

So, how do we learn to love ourselves? It’s actually pretty easy, but we have to develop a clear understanding of who God says we are. It is far from the worlds view of self worth which is measured by financial wealth, material possessions, social standing and beauty. Our true worth is found in the relationship with our Heavenly Father. We are a child of a God who delights in us and formed us in His very image, and loved us so much He had his own son give his life for us.

Once we have a clear understanding of who we are and our worth, we can then share that love with others. Having been forgiven ourselves, we can then forgive others around us. Knowing that God’s grace has been poured down upon us, allows us the ability to give grace to our neighbors.

When we understand that God created us all in his image, we get a better understanding of what God is trying to tell us in this commandment. If God is love, and we were created of Him, then we are called to love. As a parent we tell our squabbling children to be nice to their brother or sister. Well, God as our Father, is telling us to be nice to our brothers and sisters. When we do this, we are reflecting God’s character to them.

The animals in my back yard seem to know this. They have come to trust that we will provide for them seed and water, day after day. We will care for them and provide for them. We have proven to be faithful in tending to their needs. They don’t fight among themselves because there will be manna again tomorrow. Isn’t that what our Heavenly Father does for us? He showers us with grace. He forgives us. He provides for us, and He is faithful to us, day after day. When I truly feel secure in Christ, my heart is full and I have no need to squabble and fight with my fellow neighbor to keep my rank or justify my position.

When I look out my back door and see the newcomers to the block, the tiny chipmunks welcomed into the group, it makes me smile. God is teaching me a lesson. We can all get along in this world and live in harmony with each other. All we have to do is welcome our neighbors accepting their differences, and love them and see them through the eyes of our Heavenly Father.

Copy of Snake Holes

The grand kids were over for a few days while their new little brother was making his grand entrance into the world. It had been a few months since we had ventured off to the park because it has been a Looonnnng, HOT summer. But after building forts and Lego structures, making slime, playing with play dough, brushing ALL the barbies hair, and gluing anything and everything to paper, Violet announced, “LETS GO TO THE PARK!!!” So off we went…. in the still 100 degree weather.!

Violet was first out the door, which is a miracle in itself because she can never find her shoes when it is time to go. (side note: she was wearing big brothers shoes…I checked) Violets way to the park is through the desert. Off they scampered. When they got a little too far in front of us, we reminded them to watch out for rattlesnakes. This stopped them dead in their tracks. Suddenly every hole, every indention or divot in the sand, became a snake hole. As we made our way along the path, it became a bit like dragging puppy to the vet.

The conversation between my two grand kids went something like this:

“We have to be careful because these are GIANT snakes with huge fangs that like to grab people, right?”

“Ya, and they are just waiting for us to walk right here, right brother?”

As they kept outdoing each other on the “Godzilla” the snake stories, I kept trying to move the train along. I knew as long as they kept their gaze down, all they would see were snake holes, and we would never make it to the park! “Hey, look over here, who can see the park?” “First one to “eye spy” it WINS!!!!”. But they were transfixed, eyes to the ground, fear at def-con 5. Now mind you the walk usually takes 2 minutes, and we were pushing 15 minutes.

When we finally came up over the wash, there laid the park in all its glory. As soon as they came over the hill, shouts of glee kicked in and they were running through the grass to the play structure. I laughed out loud.

A couple days later, something occurred to me. My grand-kids and their snake hole episode, happens to all of us. I could see in my own life how I had let snake holes distract me lately. I had been minding my affairs, just working my side of the street, on my path, heading to my goal or at least an outcome, and I was distracted. Distracted by those dang snake holes. In my case the snake holes were tending to my parents medical and legal needs after their car accident, organizing my schedule to be on call for an “overdue” grand-baby’s arrival, and contemplating some big financial decisions.

Every snake hole seemed to get bigger and bigger in my head. There was worry, too many schedules to keep juggling, concerns in all forms, unknown outcomes, waiting for balls to drop, anger and stress. I hadn’t even realized that fear had decided to run the show and hijack my hope.. And there was God saying, “look up”. “Look over here”. “Remember where you were on your way to.” But I couldn’t get my eyes off those dang snake holes. Every minute that I kept focusing on them, they became bigger, more ominous and out to get me.

When I realized that I was doing in my own life, what the grand kids had done that day on the way to the park, I couldn’t help but smile. God had been trying to get my attention for a while, but I wasn’t listening. So he used my grand-kids to reach me. After my big aha moment, and recognizing the drastic similarities, there was one more surprise I realized, now that God had gotten my attention. In the garden of Eden it is a snake that depicts the devil and tries to mess with Adam and Eve. God was trying to tell me more than just keep moving. He was trying to tell me that if the devil can keep me distracted, then there is plenty of time for him to deceive me with fear and doubt. This trickery will surely keep me from getting to where I was headed.

Although I laughed at my grand-kids silly fears, I also wanted them to know that I would protect them. So I gave them a warning to be alert, and I wanted them to wait for me to walk beside them. When they started to get distracted and become fearful, I reminded them of their joy at where they were headed,

This is EXACTLY what God does for me!

This verse has new meaning to me and I cannot help but identify with it. “But at the end of that period, I, Nebuchadnezzar, raised my eyes toward heaven and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High and praised and honored Him who lives forever; For His dominion is an everlasting dominion, And His kingdom endures from generation to generation.” Daniel 4:34

I have my own saying now….. “ If all you can see are snake holes, God might be trying to tell you to look up.”

Snake Holes

The grand kids were over for a few days while their new little brother was making his grand entrance into the world. It had been a few months since we had ventured off to the park because it has been a Looonnnng, HOT summer. But after building forts and Lego structures, making slime, playing with play dough, brushing ALL the barbies hair, and gluing anything and everything to paper, Violet announced, “LETS GO TO THE PARK!!!” So off we went…. in the still 100 degree weather.!

Violet was first out the door, which is a miracle in itself because she can never find her shoes when it is time to go. (side note: she was wearing big brothers shoes…I checked) Violets way to the park is through the desert. Off they scampered. When they got a little too far in front of us, we reminded them to watch out for rattlesnakes. This stopped them dead in their tracks. Suddenly every hole, every indention or divot in the sand, became a snake hole. As we made our way along the path, it became a bit like dragging puppy to the vet.

The conversation between my two grand kids went something like this:

“We have to be careful because these are GIANT snakes with huge fangs that like to grab people, right?”

“Ya, and they are just waiting for us to walk right here, right brother?”

As they kept outdoing each other on the “Godzilla” the snake stories, I kept trying to move the train along. I knew as long as they kept their gaze down, all they would see were snake holes, and we would never make it to the park! “Hey, look over here, who can see the park?” “First one to “eye spy” it WINS!!!!”. But they were transfixed, eyes to the ground, fear at def-con 5. Now mind you the walk usually takes 2 minutes, and we were pushing 15 minutes.

When we finally came up over the wash, there laid the park in all its glory. As soon as they came over the hill, shouts of glee kicked in and they were running through the grass to the play structure. I laughed out loud.

A couple days later, something occurred to me. My grand-kids and their snake hole episode, happens to all of us. I could see in my own life how I had let snake holes distract me lately. I had been minding my affairs, just working my side of the street, on my path, heading to my goal or at least an outcome, and I was distracted. Distracted by those dang snake holes. In my case the snake holes were tending to my parents medical and legal needs after their car accident, organizing my schedule to be on call for an “overdue” grand-baby’s arrival, and contemplating some big financial decisions.

Every snake hole seemed to get bigger and bigger in my head. There was worry, too many schedules to keep juggling, concerns in all forms, unknown outcomes, waiting for balls to drop, anger and stress. I hadn’t even realized that fear had decided to run the show and hijack my hope.. And there was God saying, “look up”. “Look over here”. “Remember where you were on your way to.” But I couldn’t get my eyes off those dang snake holes. Every minute that I kept focusing on them, they became bigger, more ominous and out to get me.

When I realized that I was doing in my own life, what the grand kids had done that day on the way to the park, I couldn’t help but smile. God had been trying to get my attention for a while, but I wasn’t listening. So he used my grand-kids to reach me. After my big aha moment, and recognizing the drastic similarities, there was one more surprise I realized, now that God had gotten my attention. In the garden of Eden it is a snake that depicts the devil and tries to mess with Adam and Eve. God was trying to tell me more than just keep moving. He was trying to tell me that if the devil can keep me distracted, then there is plenty of time for him to deceive me with fear and doubt. This trickery will surely keep me from getting to where I was headed.

Although I laughed at my grand-kids silly fears, I also wanted them to know that I would protect them. So I gave them a warning to be alert, and I wanted them to wait for me to walk beside them. When they started to get distracted and become fearful, I reminded them of their joy at where they were headed,

This is EXACTLY what God does for me!

This verse has new meaning to me and I cannot help but identify with it. “But at the end of that period, I, Nebuchadnezzar, raised my eyes toward heaven and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High and praised and honored Him who lives forever; For His dominion is an everlasting dominion, And His kingdom endures from generation to generation.” Daniel 4:34

I have my own saying now….. “ If all you can see are snake holes, God might be trying to tell you to look up.”

Happy Fathers Day

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Well Instagram and Pintrest would both boast the same thing. A picture says it all. In today’s culture, pictures visually tell the story. But…… it only shows a glimpse of the REAL story.

What this picture doesn’t say is that at one time I wrapped my small hand around my dad’s finger, because his hands were too big for my tiny hand. And now, my hands wrap around his arm to help him walk on unsteady days.

It doesn’t say that when I was little I would search for him in a crowd by the pants he was wearing, and I would tug on them so he would pick me up so I could see above the crowd. And that through the years he would continue to lift me up to change my perspective on life and people.

What it doesn’t show is that my dad taught me to ride a bike, or that he taught my children how to ride a bike with the same gentle patience.

What it doesn’t say is that my dad is the most positive person I have ever known. For the past twenty years when I would call him and say, “good morning.” He would always respond, “and a beautiful morning it is!” My father, who woke up early to shake my lazy bones out of bed to get to school, was the same man who woke up early to take my youngest son to watch the sunrise over the ocean.

What it doesn’t say is that my dad has been a constant strength in my life. He was the support I always needed, the soft place to land, and the wise counsel I always sought. And even though some days he is confused, he is never confused about the matters of the heart. His wisdom is still intact, and he is still pointing my spirit to grace, love and faith.

What it doesn’t capture is that my dad is incredibly fumy and when he laughs it is with his whole heart. He makes everyone around him feel at ease because he accepts people right where they are. What it doesn’t show is the joy I now feel when I say something funny and get to hear his laugh.

What this picture cannot capture, is the man I see in him. A man who reflects the character of God.

Years from now when some great great granddaughter stumbles across an old dusty photo album and finds this picture of me and my dad, I wonder what she will see. She may not see what I see in my dad, or know his gentle heart or how much he means to me. But there will be a part of us that will live on through many generations, as we pass down wisdom, grace and our faith in God.

A picture may be worth a thousand words, but the treasures of the heart are worth many more. A photo fades over time, but the deep love that is etched on our hearts stays with us forever. This Fathers Day, may you capture every moment in your heart.

HAPPY FATHERS DAY

The Littlest Negotiator

We like to refer to our grandson, Ezra, as “the little negotiator”. From the time he was forming sentences he was negotiating on his behalf. It usually sounds like this. me: “Here Ezra, you can have two Oreos”. him: “Umm how bout five?” me: “How bout three?” him: “Okay, four is good.” He negotiates everything! Telling him to pick up his things, turns into a negotiation of what he can do after he picks the toys up. A statement of what we are going to do today, becomes a discussion on what we really should do, and why said thing is better. Usually those interactions end with, “Deal”?………… “Deal”! Now at five years old, he is really mastering the “art of the deal”, and he is teaching Grandma a thing or two. Mostly to be ahead of the curve.

Although it can be frustrating to have him always trying to run the show, I am actually glad that he knows exactly what he wants and is able to speak up to get it. The world can run you over if you don’t have a clear idea of what you want and go for it. Life is also about give and take, and the fact that he doesn’t throw a fit to get what he wants but instead is willing to '“give a little to get a little”, seems like a pretty good skill. He seems to know on some level, that negotiating isn’t about winning. It’s about being heard.

In my life I am not a very good negotiator. Partly I am sure, has to do with the fact that I don’t like conflict. I avoid it like a spam sandwich. In addition to that, I tend to be a rule follower, at least to some extent that may involve conflict. I am also quite stubborn and set in my beliefs, although I am trying to allow grace to play a bigger role in my life than my opinions.

Where I do see negotiation come into play, is in my walk with God. There have been times in my life when I have begged and pleaded with God, and yes negotiated. When my baby girl was having a long difficult surgery I told God if he would heal her I would be the most amazing God centered mom He could envision. There have been other times where I bargained for things from God promising to go to church more, pray more, give more and be more, if only he would do x y or z for me. It seems funny now as I write this, that I chose to negotiate with the one entity who is sovereign, just and has my best interests at heart, hands down. I think really what I was trying to say was, “this is so incredibly important to me, I will sacrifice anything for this”. I wanted to be heard, loud and clear.

God draws a hard line on what is best for us. He doesn’t make mistakes because He is truth and love. In the end His plans are truly what is best for us, even if the process to get there is a painful one, or one fraught with loss, heartache or challenges. There really are no shortcuts to becoming God’s best us. So although we may try to negotiate our position and therefore barter with God, what we are really saying is, “hear my heart God.”

It may surprise you to realize that there were some very important people in the bible that did negotiate with God. One such person was Abraham, when he pleaded with God for Sodom and Gomorrah. When God informs Abraham that Sodom and Gomorrah would be destroyed, Abraham bargains with God and asks that if a certain amount of people were found to be righteous, would God spare them. Abraham keeps bargaining with God until the number went from 50 righteous people to 10. This back and forth negotiating between Abraham and God saved Abraham’s nephew, Lot. I have to believe that God allows us to negotiate with Him, even argue with Him, so that we can interact with Him. He is not some entirely separate detached deity, but our loving Father who wants to hear our heart and our pleas to intercede for the ones we love. It may seem as if we can change God’s mind, but it’s more like God knew what He wanted to do in the end. Possibly to show His graciousness.

I imagine my grandson years from now becoming a master negotiator working for some big company, or maybe he will even become a crisis negotiator. He certainly has a natural bend in that direction. I guess what I learn watching him, is that it is important to know both sides of the coin. Know what you want, know what the other person wants, and find a way to give something of yourself to gain a little bit more of what you desire. Sounds like compromise. Perhaps our negotiating with God looks a little bit like that. To successfully negotiate with God, we need to know God’s promises. We need to understand God’s character, because God can never go against His word. When we know God’s side of the coin, we can align our desires with that. We can share our heart and know that we truly are heard. Who knows, maybe God smiles like I do when my grandson pleads his case. But in the end, I will do what is best for my grandson, and God will do what is best for us.

A Mothers Legacy

My mom with my daughter Mariah

That moment when you first became a mother is filled with so much excitement, responsibility and the deepest love you can imagine. You know in your heart you will take care of, protect fiercely, and nurture with every bone in your body this child of yours, as long as you have breath in you. What you don’t realize, until you are much older, is that this is just the tip of the iceberg of what you have created. Becoming a mother is the start of a legacy that intertwines through many generations. It is a bond that ties to the past and reaches deep into the future.

When I became a mom it changed everything in the way I saw my mom. Holding my new baby in my arms I realized, “this incredible love I feel, is how my mom felt about me.” It seems silly, but it was something I could not understand until that very moment. When I rearranged my life and my schedule to be at every event my child was in, I realized that my mom had sacrificed so much to be there for me and cheer me on. When I dropped everything to make cookies, or sew a last minute costume, I remembered how my mom always came through for me, many times saving the day. When I stayed up well into the night pretending to be asleep until I heard the door click and my child arrive home safe, I understood the concern and anguish my mother went through when I would be late. When I stood at my sons wedding I understood the joy and yet the gaping hole I felt as another person would take my place. I learned more than I ever could have about my mom, when I became a mother.

I learned other things about my mom watching her be a grandmother to my children. She was an extension of me when my hands were full and my nerves fried. She stepped in seamlessly and picked up the task. She taught my children things I didn’t have the time to teach. She mothered them like she had mothered me. I am a grandmother myself now and I understand more now why she did all those things for my children. She loved them because they were an extension of me. They were her tribe. My grandchildren are just as much a part of my heart as my children. I love to hear their laugh, show them new ideas and new things, and I love to curl up with them on the couch and read books. I don’t want to miss a single moment loving on them. My mom was a constant in my children’s lives. I have learned so much more about my mom when I became a grandmother.

My mom is now a great grandmother. And although she is not as “hands on” in their life, she is still connected in a huge way to her tribe. She loves to hear me retell the funny stories and antics of the grandchildren. The grandchildren call her “Marble grandma”, because she has marbles of course! What time and age has taken away, faith and prayer has replaced. I can’t imagine a greater love and a greater gift than the prayer of a great grandmother to watch over and protect her grandchildren. I am not a great grandmother yet, but Lord willing one day I will be. The example that my mother has gifted me on how to be a great grandmother has taught me how to continue my own legacy of motherhood.

I realize now, that my mom has always been intentionally reaching out to the generations behind her and training us up. She has been giving me, (us) the foundation of faith so that we could withstand anything that came our way. This is what I didn’t know when I held my first baby in my arms, or the second, or the fifth. I didn’t realize what I was signing up for, or the enormity of it. I never imagined the incredible blessings that would be attached. This is my mothers legacy. My beautiful, loving, special mother.

Motherhood is an expression of the image of God. There are many scriptures in the bible where God is compared or related to motherhood. Here are just a few. God comforts as a mother Isiah 66:13. Protects as a mother bear, Hosea 13:8. Gathers as a mother hen Luke 13:34 and there are many more. If you have been called to be a mom, you are an extension of Gods love. This mothers day, it is my prayer, that you will honor your own legacy and plant seeds in your future generations. Happy Mothers Day!