Alexa Shepard's Blog, page 2

Hopes End

Do you believe IN God, or do you BELIEVE God?

Sometimes don’t we all just feel a little bit like….. all those stories in the bible, all the people in those stories, they don’t really apply to me. I have REAL problems in current times!

I know we talk about God and his timing. We talk about his will. We talk about having faith. We talk about God redeeming and restoring what we have lost. As a believer we say these things because we believe in God. But do we actually BELIEVE God?

Holding on to hope when so many people in this world have broken their promises to us is very difficult. It’s hard to trust after trust has been broken. The human spirit has an amazing ability to keep hoping. It also has the ability to protect itself by building walls and being wary of promises. However, we can’t confuse the promises of common man with the promises of God. God is God. He is still on the throne. He always comes through. The Bible is chalk full of God fulfilling his promises. He has an impeccable track record. I can’t always count on the goodness of others, and sometimes I get discouraged and then I tend to see God through the same lens I see the broken world. That’s when I pull out my bible and read about God’s unfailing promises. What I find is that those stories from so long ago contain the same underlying struggles that I have. They leap to my heart, and restore my weary soul. And so I have to ask myself, “ Do I just believe in God, or do I believe God?”

Abram was told by God that he would be a father of many. In fact the name Abram actually translates to “father of many.” Sarah, Abrams wife, had not bore him any children. Abram believed in God. God spoke to him and made a covenant with him. But years went by and still Sara did not get pregnant. They were getting old. I mean really old! So what does Sarah do? She decides to help God out. So she gives her servant to her husband Abram to conceive a child. How many times have I believed, maybe I should be doing something to help God.? Maybe God needs me to act. What am I missing? So instead of being still and relying on the promises of God, I fire into action. God doesn’t need our help though. He needs us to believe Him. I imagine it was not easy for Sarah to believe God when month after month she was crushed when she did not conceive. Many of us know the heartbreak of that. I see myself in Sarah and Abram. I know the heart wrenching feeling of being at hopes end. My heart cries out, “God, have you forgotten me?” But their story doesn’t end there. The story ends with Sarah having a baby, and God fulfilling his promise, in His time.

Rahab hid the spies with a promise that God would protect her household when the Israelites stormed the walls of Jericho and killed all the inhabitants. After the spies left, I imagine her looking out of her window scanning the horizon for the army to come. But the spies stayed in the hills for three days once they left Rahab’s house, to evade the kings pursuit of them. Then they traveled back to the Israelite camp and crossed the Jordan river.. Joshua had to arouse the entire nation, cross the Jordan, held a ceremony to commemorate God’s faithfulness, had a circumcision ceremony, waited for them to heal, and then more time passed as they celebrated the Passover. I recount all this so you can get a glimpse of understanding of what Rahab must have experienced. Waiting is hard, especially when we see nothing happening. But can you imagine Rahab’s face when she finally looked out and saw the army coming? Her heart must have burst with hope and thanksgiving! And yet, then there was another delay. God had instructed the army to march around the walls of Jericho once, and do this for 6 days. Rahab knew none of this. I am sure this was not the rescue that Rahab envisioned. I see myself in Rahab. I would have been on an emotional roller coaster as they passed by the last corner of the wall each day, only to return to camp. Excited and then…. defeated. Full of hope, and then deflated. Its the feeling of being at hopes end. But God is not intimidated by our urgency, but driven by his purpose. He is less concerned about our wait, and more concerned about His timing, working everything for his good. Finally on the 7th day God fulfilled his promise and rescue Rahab and her family.

These are just two stories of many that I see myself in. I can identify with the heart breaking blow of feeling like your at hopes end. I find myself mistaking what I don’t see for an inactive God. When I don’t see activity I think maybe its a sign I need to go in a different direction. But God is saying, “Do you believe me?” There is a time span between when we fist believe the promises of God, and the moment that it comes to fulfillment. The amazing thing, that we sometimes overlook, is God is there in the in between as well.

When we finally come to end of ourselves it can feel as if we have come to hopes end. But that is when we need to ask ourselves the hard question….. Do I believe IN God, OR do I BELIEVE God?

My Brothers Keeper

The other day my five year old grandson Ezra stated boldly to me that he was his little sister Violet’s BIG brother. He went on to say that he has a very important job to look out for her and protect her. A little shocked at the seriousness of his declaration I quickly told him that, “yes, it’s a very important job, and soon you will have a little brother to watch out for too.” There was a quiet pause on his end. Wanting to not loose the moment, I kept the conversation going asking a few questions. “ So, is it hard to be a big brother?” He thought for a moment and instead of answering he asked me a question. “Did my Dad think it was hard?” I wasn’t sure how to answer that. I mean should I tell him that sometimes his dad didn’t want to be the older brother of 4 siblings? That he had a lot of responsibility and grew up with the unspoken understanding that he was the leader and setting the example? Or do I tell him that no it was easy for him so that Ezra doesn’t feel its just too hard of a task? I decided to take the middle road and responded, “ I think it was hard sometimes because he had four younger brothers and sisters, but I also know that God picked him for that position and responsibility because he was the best one for the job.” And then the moment was gone as Violet dragged his attention away to sing a silly song.

I think every parent wants their children to have a close relationship with each other. When they are little it means: wanting to play with each other, being kind to each other and sticking up for them. As they grow into their teen years it means: sharing their troubles and asking advice from them. It means protecting each other, and helping each other. As young adults it means: still wanting to be around them, being close to their spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. It means being there for them in a crisis and wanting to call them first when you have good news to share. But how does this happen, and how does a parent help foster this?

The best answer I can give is the one that I experienced in raising my kids. I was outnumbered 5 to 1, and it turned out to be a blessing. I did not have enough hands and arms to meet all the needs all at the same time, so I entrusted my children to help each other. There were babies to rock, stories to be read and homework to be helped with and my children grew up knowing that they were needed to make the village run smoothly.. They became my extra set of eyes and ears to praise them on an art drawing or listen to their frustrating day, and this bonded them together. They had invested in their sibling and through the years they cared about their investment and nurtured it. This is not to say that there were not normal sibling disputes, but even those moments bonded them together. It warms my heart that as adults they have game night with each other, play volleyball, and go to each other for help and advice. They are their brothers keeper.

So what does it mean to be “your brothers keeper” ? The text this comes from in the bible refers to Cain and Abel, when Cain asks God if he is his brothers keeper. I feel he picked the word keeper to refer to the nature of Abel’s work. He was a shepherd who “kept flocks”. Keeping the flocks entailed protecting and defending them from predators just as David did. It’s interesting to see that God put Adam and Eve in the garden to cultivate it and “Keep” it. The Hebrew word shamar means, “to keep guard, keep watch and ward, protect, save life. That sounds an awful lot like Jesus. He is our good shepherd who laid his life down for his sheep. For all intensive purposes, Jesus is our brothers keeper.

It’s great that Ezra wants to be his sister’s keeper, and that he takes the job seriously. It’s great that my kids look out for each other and are each others keeper. Those are things that we try to teach and model at home, but it shouldn’t end there. I think God meant for us to expand that. In Luke 10:27 it says, Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. The term brothers keeper does not just mean being responsible for the welfare of a a biological brother or sister, it’s scope is extended to all the other human beings, no matter their race or ethnicity.

We are our brothers keeper when we share practical help to those in need, speak the truth in love, and share the gospel with others. As I told my grandson Ezra, at times it can be hard. At times we don’t want to be a leader of others. And as my daughter would say, “Mom, I DON’T want to be the bigger person!” But we were hand picked by God for this purpose. He called us for this position and responsibility because he knew we are the best one for the job.

Can God Use Me?

When we think of God using us for His kingdom, we tend to think of all the Godly and good qualities we have. We tend to think that we can only be good ambassadors for Jesus if we have led a life without blemish….. or at least without some big blunders.

I hear you. I am right there with you. My life, my past, is far from blunderless. It took some real, deep soul searching, for me to see how God feels about this, and I want to share that with you.

I am a mother of five. I have messed up too many times to count, and on occasion I have rallied. I know what it means to live in the dirty trenches of motherhood. I was awarded on some days the “mom of the year” award, and on other days, I was a complete failure, and set my kids up for a life of therapy. I know the roller coaster life of being a mom. If I had to be a perfect mom to help other moms, then I would never be able to share my story. But God uses my weaknesses and mistakes to come alongside other moms and say, “ Ya, me too.” “i know how that feels” and “ God’s grace covers that.”

I was divorced. The stigma and emotional pain others cast on me, and honestly sometimes still do, threatens to stop me in my tracks. My very own emotional pain of breaking a vow before God made moving forward so hard for me. I had a choice to make. I could let the shame consume me, or I could receive grace from God and let him use my wounds for his glory. The emotional pain and deep scars make me a prime candidate for telling others that, “God still loves you, that you are forgiven, and you are His.”

I have been in an unhealthy relationship. I have lied and manipulated because I felt I had no voice. I hid the truth from those that loved me and cared about me, because I felt such shame. I know how it feels to be scared and alone in my dysfunction. I know the horrible feeling of digging so deep that you come to the bottom of yourself with nothing left. I know the damage my choices have made on the people I loved most in the world, and it broke my heart. I could forever feel condemned by those choices, or I could see it as an opportunity for God to exchange my wounds for wisdom. I am uniquely equipped to understand, what most can not, about abusive relationships. I can say, “ Grace was never meant to be given so that sin can abound.” and “ You are already amazing and God’s plans for you include plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

I have carried the suitcase of unforgiveness, and I have known the enormous weight of it. I have struggled with the ugliness of bitterness and resentment only to find that it kept me mired in the pain. I have known the joy of finally being able to release my tight grasp on it and hand it into the Lord’s outstretched hand. I can come along side others and say, “You can never achieve true forgiveness in your own strength, it is only through the holy spirit moving in you that you can release it’s grasp on your life.”

You are God’s natural resource. Everything you have gone through, all the heartache, mistakes and or joy you have had, make you positioned exactly where God can use you. It’s not about God endorsing our sin, it’s about Him turning it around and using it for His glory. Genesis 50:20 You meant evil against me, but God used it for good.

If you are struggling at all with the weight of your past, or if you are holding someone’s past against them, I want to encourage you to read the story of Rahab in the bible. Rahab was a prostitute. Hardly a poster child as an ambassador for God. But God picked her, and she picked Him. Her one act of believing that God was who He said He was, propelled her in a new direction. It literally changed her life. She hid the spies who would storm Jericho and in the end she married one of the Israelite, Solom, and she had a son. That son was named Boaz. Boaz was the kinsman redeemer who redeemed Ruth, an outcast, and married her. Their union created a son named Obed, who had a son named Jesse, and he had a son named David. King David. Further down the lineage you will see a son named Jesus. This is where it really gets good. This was my aha moment. Rahab was an outcast and was given a second chance. So where do you think her son Boaz learned about the second chances of God? No doubt Rahab modeled this to her son. Boaz then takes Ruth, an outcast, giving her a second chance. King David knew first hand the grace of God. And Jesus? Jesus was all about giving the outcast a second chance! The family tree of Jesus was filled with people who messed up. God didn’t care about the pedigree, He cared about people who would turn away from their past and have a heart for Him.

I can’t help but feel that God puts a great value on experiences. After all, He sent his son to earth to experience pain, hunger, betrayal, loneliness and suffering. He did that so that He could say, “I know how you feel”, “I will help you through this.”

You were never meant to be a prisoner of your past. It was meant as a lesson, not a life sentence. Your experiences have made you uniquely qualified to show the grace of God. When we can say, “yes, I have been there, and I am standing here today because of the great love and mercy of God,” then we can give hope to the hurting and be true ambassadors for Christ.

Prayer For The Little Girl That Would Become My Son's Wife

Many years ago, when my children were little, I kept a journal for each of them. I wrote down, from a mothers heart, all the things that made them who they were and how honored I was to be chosen to be their mom. I also included for each of them a prayer for the little boy or girl that they would one day fall in love with and marry.

My middle son, Bishop, was just married last week. I shared at his wedding the prayer I had written, when he was 3 years old, for his future bride. I was deeply moved and humbled to stand before his new bride, knowing that this was the little girl that I had asked God to watch over and bless. God is so good and he fulfills his promises in ways we can never fathom. God answered my prayer. His bride, Angela, is everything I prayed for and so much more. I wanted to share this excerpt from my son’s journal.

Dear Bishop,

I tucked you into bed tonight wearing your tigger pajamas, coon skin cap and tigger slippers. You insisted on wearing all of them. When I said the raccoons might come in and nibble your ears, you laughed. I love your laugh. As I left your room I thought how blessed I am to have your smile and hear your laughter everyday. This led me to think of you as a young man. How amazingly lucky is the girl that you will eventually give your heart to. She and I will have something in common. We will both know the joy of loving you. She is out there somewhere. God knows exactly who she is. This is my prayer for that little girl, my son’s bride.

Dear God,

You know the beginning and the end. You planned on us before you made the stars. There is a little girl out there that will capture my son’s heart. I know you will never take your eyes off of her. But from a mothers heart, I pray these things:

Please give her a mom that tucks her in at night and says her prayers with her, because then she will know that there is a God who loves her, cares for her and listens to her.

Please give her a mom that kisses her scrapes and cuts when she gets hurt. Because then she will know compassion when someone is hurting.

Please give her a mom that hugs her when she spills her milk or breaks something. Because then she will know what forgiveness is.

Please give her a mom that will hold her hand when she crosses the street, because then she will know how it feels to be safe in the arms of another.

Please give her a dad that will yell and scream when someone treats her unfairly, because then she will know that someone has her back and that she is worth fighting for.

Please give her a dad that tells her she is beautiful, strong and amazing, because then she will know that she is beautifully and wonderfully made by the very hand of God.

My little boy will hold my heart forever. This little girl will hold his. Keep her close to you God.

Amen

Becoming More Like Violet

My little grand daughter Violet teaches me so very many things. She is only three, but her heart is so pure that I cannot help but adore her. She teaches me about God everyday. She makes me see clearly who God is and how much He loves us.

She will search through a sea of people frantically looking for me, never swayed in her determination to find me. She knows I am there. When she spots me from afar, her eyes light up and she runs to me with a huge smile on her face. She throws her arms around me and exclaims, “Hold me Grandma!”. She makes me feel as if I am the most important person in her life.

And this is how I want to be with God. When my life is crowded with people and distractions I want the desire to frantically look for God. I want to have the faith to KNOW that He is there. I want to feel the joy of finding him and the exhilaration of running to his arms and asking Him to hold me. I want Him to be the most important thing in my life.

Violet is a strong willed spitfire. She is full of energy…. and a little bit of vinegar. ( Not so different than me.) She likes to do what she wants to do. When she graduated to a booster seat in the car, she could unlatch the seat belt by herself, which she did… often. On one occasion while driving into the neighborhood she popped her seat belt off, stood up out of her car-seat and started jumping up and down in the car. She got a stern talking to. I don’t remember what I said, but every time we are in the car she says, “remember grandma, that one time I took my seat belt off before we stopped and i got in trouble with you?” “I am NOT going to do that again!” And there have been many times she has sat in “time out” on my watch. There were just as many times she cried about it, and I thought sure she would be mad at me. But bless her heart, she doesn’t see me as a mean grandma at all. She knows she messed up and knows it is my job to correct her out of love.

And this is how I want to feel about my relationship with God. I want to know I am loved despite my mess ups. When God calls me out on my sin and gives me consequences for them, I want to see that it is out of love. I want to learn from my mistakes, so that I can please God. And mostly I want to know that no matter how many times I slip up, that God will still love me.

Violet is all about the blingy, sparkly tiara wearing world. I captured on video the very essence of her. She was decked out in a princess dress, wearing more pearls than you can find in the ocean. She wore a princess rhinestone tiara on her head. She was singing “Let it Go” at the top of her lungs twirling and dancing watching her beautiful reflection in the oven door. I love to see the delight on her face as she gazes at her reflection in the mirror. She loves who she sees. She loves who she is. She twirls this way and that way with an enormous grin on her face. She knows that all of us, grandma especially, delight in her.

And this is how I want to feel about myself. I want to sing out loud and not even notice if anyone is watching and I want to not care what they think.. I want to look into the mirror and smile. I want to see myself the way God sees me. I want to not listen to the world that sets my beauty standard, and not let my worst critic, myself, determine my value. I want to know that God delights in me, that he created me, beautifully and wonderfully by His very hand. I want to feel the overwhelming acceptance that God delights in me, the one created in his image.

My grand daughter knows I have her back. I love knowing that she feels she can always count on me for all the things she desires. There is no place she loves more than to be at Grandma’s house. When we work on art projects she will announce, “I REALLY wish I had some glitter.” and viola….. Grandma has glitter. When her poor little tummy is growling…. Viola…. Grandma has her favorite cookies. When she really wants to make slime or play-dough……. Viola…. Grandma has all the ingredients to do that. Wherever we are and wherever we go, she KNOWS that Grandma has gum and candy in her purse. She believes that Grandma will always come through for her.

And this is how I want to feel about God. God promises to fulfill my needs and to give me the desires of my heart. God has always had my back. He has always provided for me, even when I was sure there was no way things could work out. He not only has given me my basic needs, but at times has gone above and beyond and fulfilled the very desire of my heart. I want to KNOW, deep down in my soul, that God is who He says He is. That He wants for me all good things in life, and that He will come through for me.

Perhaps this is why the bible says, “ Then Jesus invited a little child to stand among them and said, “ Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Mathew 18:3 . My grand daughter Violet believes without complication. She is humble and receives joy with lighthearted abandon. She is content in the little things and yet awed by majestic splendor. As an adult I have been changed by the concerns of the world. In all it’s brokenness sometimes I lose sight of God’s promises. Violet comes to us, her family, as a child. She trusts us to provide for her, protect her and she trusts us to cherish her.

Becoming more like Violet to me means seeing God as my loving Father. A Father whos love is not dependent on my good performance. A Father who delights in me. A Father who supplies all of my needs and the desires of my heart. It means coming to Him with my arms wide open and saying, “Hold me God, you are everything to me.”

God's Favorite Thing To Do

Yesterday we picked our grandson up from school. He is in all day kindergarten. It’s a long day for a five year old, and lately it has been taking it’s toll on him. I could tell the second I saw him that he was not his bubbly self and my heart sank. He was quite and his sister was babbling on, singing and excitedly telling him every detail of her day. He was frustrated and short with her, so I told her to give him some quiet time to himself. After driving in silence, (that never happens) his small voice came from the backseat. “Grandma, what is God’s favorite thing to do?” I was taken aback. Actually speechless or stumped are better words. I thought about it for quite some time. I wondered why the answer eluded me. I rattled off some lame answer….”to love?” But I knew that wasn’t quite right. Violet must have decided quiet time was officially over and the nonstop, excited chatter resumed and the moment was lost.

Later that night as I was doing the dishes, it all of the sudden hit me. “I know what God’s favorite thing to do is!!” “To create!” I am a creative soul. If it doesn’t move in my house, I paint it. If I trip over the guitar, I will get lost in playing it. If I want pretty soap I have to make it, and if I have a story to tell I have to write it. I am most alive when I am creating. It moves me. Maybe that is why I was most surprised that I couldn’t rattle off immediately to my grandson what God loved most to do.

Maybe your not like me. Maybe you don’t see a blank wall and have to fill it. Maybe you don’t have a feeling so strong you have to sit down at a piano and write a song about it. Maybe you don’t collect paint tubes because you have to have all the colors, and maybe you don’t see junk on the side of the road and have to re-purpose it! But there is another form of creating that I want to touch on. God gave us an amazing gift, the gift of free will. And in that gift was packaged the likeness of him. Creativity. If we are truly created in his image, then that part of him is in us. Every day we have a choice to make. In those choices we create the life we will have, or the life we want to have.

We can choose to be thankful for all the things we DO have, or we can choose to see all the things that are missing. Choosing gratitude creates a life of contentment and fills us with joy. Choosing to focus on what we don’t have creates a life of sadness and displeasure.

We can choose to forgive those that have hurt us, or resent those that have done wrong to us. Choosing to let go and forgive creates a place that brings peace and love back into our heart. Choosing to hold onto resentments creates an environment where bitterness and hurt control our hearts.

We can choose to see the good in circumstances, or we can choose to feel like a victim. Choosing to see the blessing in the mess creates a place that allows us to move forward and grow. Choosing to see the negative creates depression and hopelessness.

We were never created to be just characters in a storybook. We were designed to be heirs to the Master Artist and to create a life that illustrated the very hand of God woven through it.

I called my grandson on the phone that night. He said, “Hi Grandma.” I said, “Hey buddy I figured out the answer to your question. God’s favorite thing to do is….. CREATE!” He giggled a soft giggle and said, “You are right Grandma.”

"She Never Let's Me Do, What I Want To Do"

God bless my beautiful little grand-daughter. She cracks me up….

When the grand kids spend the night, we have these two little pup tents that are their sleeping space at bedtime. Violet’s happens to be in the living room. One night I tucked her in and after her story and song, I noticed she was chewing on something. Gum…… I told her she couldn’t sleep with gum in her mouth. No response from her but a turning of her head in the other direction. So, I told her the story of her auntie Rye Rye who I let go to sleep holding on to silly putty in her hand. When she awoke it was the strangest sight. All her hair was scrunched up tight on the side of her head in an awkward freaky way. Yep, that silly putty had made its way into her hair and caught every little piece of it and tangled it into one blob of a ball.. It took us hours of peanut butter, oil, and finally, gel bug and tar remover to get it off her head. It took the jaws of life to free her from the silly putty!!! I thought I had made a great convincing argument, but Violet, my grand-daughter, clenched her jaws tight. Finally I put out my hand and said, “give it.” At which point she defiantly, and with attitude I might add, said, “I don’t have it anymore.” Hmmmf! She had swallowed it. I gave up my mantra and said, “ Goodnight, I love you sweetie.” Then I moved to the couch and proceeded to read my book. And then I heard someone talking. “She never let’s me do what I want to do!” What??? As she repeated that like eight more times, I was like, she is talking about ME! This went on for quite some time, and shock turned to complete laughter that I had to stifle.

The idea that she was angry at me when I was trying only to protect her from harm, was so misguided and made no sense. Well she is three so…… But then I think about my life and my walk in the Christian faith, and I realize that I, like many of us, do the same thing.

When someone says things about me that are untrue, I want to defend myself, prove my point and battle my injustice. But God says, Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trail, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. James 1:12 and God also says, But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those that curse you, do good to those that hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you. Matthew 5:44

When someone wrongs me or hurts me, I want to hurt them back. I want them to feel the same pain they caused me. I want to get them back. But God says, Do not say, “I will pay you back for this wrong,” wait for the Lord and he will avenge you. Proverbs 20:22 and also…. Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do good for each other and for everyone else. 1 Thessalonians 5:15 There are many more verses on this subject, but you get the idea.

I don’t want to forgive someone that has hurt me deeply. I want to hold that grudge and let them know just how wrong they were. But God says, Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

And there are so many other examples I could give you. But why does God ask of me that which completely goes against my nature and my will? All of these things God asks of me are not to be mean, they are actually his way of protecting me! Just like the ten commandments. It makes me sad when people say the ten commandments show a bossy, controlling or conditional God. All ten of the commandments are meant to protect us from harm. When we break them, it brings grief and despair, not to mention the consequences we will have to live with.

Our God is a loving God, who cares deeply for his children. God, who is perfect, all knowing, all-powerful tries to guide us to make good choices that will protect us from harm.. But God gave us something more. He gave us free will to choose whether or not we want to heed his warning. It’s not a matter of, “He never lets me do what I want to do,” its that once you try it your way a few times you get really tired of pulling silly putty out of your hair.

I love my grand-daughter. I don’t want her to suffer the harsh consequences of actions she does not know will come from certain things. She is three, and it is my job to protect her. If a grandma can love her grand daughter so much, how much more can our Heavenly Father love us? When I listen to God, He tells me that same kind of thing. I have a choice to do it my way, or listen to the one who is trying to protect me.

Copy of What's Taking So Long!!!?

It’s been five months since my last blog…. And as someone said, “What’s taking soooo long?!!! We love to say that in our house. For everything…. It all started the weekend the grandkids stayed with us. We spent the day flitting from play dough to arts and crafts, to cooking rock tea in the play kitchen out back, to playing at the park. When I finally got to dinner, we were all pooped. My grand daughter Violet sat perched in her red high chair while I made the final preparations for dinner. She sat with a fork in one hand and I spoon in the other and pounded on the table letting out an exasperated, “WHAT’S TAKING SOOOOOOOO LONG?!” My immediate reaction was to strangle her, but instead all I could do was laugh. Don’t we all feel like that at times? Don’t we all wish we could be so honest and say it? Since that day the whole house says it in times when we are frustrated and impatient and somehow it feels better to say it out loud. We always end up chuckling.

Since that moment I have had plenty of reminders that things are not happening in the time that I want them. My nature says I want them now, God says wait.

This summer we took a road trip with the grand-kids. They kept asking if we were almost there, how much longer was it going to be, and of course, WHY IS IT TAKING SOOOOO LONG!!! It was a long time for them to sit still in their car seats. It was a lot to ask that they to be good, quiet and patient. It was hard. But when we got to our destination it was amazing. They had so much fun and did so many fun things that it was hard to see it end. It was worth a little bit of waiting for the reward at the end.

Waiting is hard. Waiting in a no passing zone behind a car that is going 15 miles under the speed limit is hard. Waiting in the grocery check out line behind someone who is using 30 coupons and can’t find that last one is hard. Waiting for your birthday to arrive when your 5 is hard. But waiting on God can be one of the most challenging of hard things.

And so it seems with my life lately, there is a lot of waiting. Don’t we all feel that with unanswered prayers or opportunities that seem to be on the brink of not sure yet? I just went through this with my youngest daughter. She was set to ship off to the Navy. We said our goodbyes, dropped her at the hotel and showed up the next morning for her swear in ceremony. When we arrived she informed us that there was a problem with her medical discharge. So we were told to wait. We waited while all the others shipped out and then we were sent home. We were told she would ship on a different date two weeks later. We waited. Then we were told she would ship the next month pending a waiver that was to come in. We waited. It’s the waiting that is so hard. We all were feeling WHY IS THIS TAKING SOOOOO LONG! But at that moment I knew that God was really in control. I knew that more than anything I wanted God’s will over my desires. But my heart wanted my daughter to have this so much. I was in a constant tug of war with my earthly heart and my heavenly soul. To say that I prayed constantly is an understatement. My mind was consumed with petitions to God to close a door if it was not the path he wanted her on. Honestly, also my prayer was, help me to be okay with your will. God closed that door to the Navy for my daughter. Everyone was shocked. And I was left with my greatest fear. Accepting God’s will.

It seems we are always waiting for something. That vacation we planned, or the raise to come in, or even our new shoes to break in. What is it about waiting that is so hard? It is so much easier to be walking than standing still. Just ask a three year old to sit still and wait for a bowl of candy to be passed around until it is her turn. That’s us with life. We want things now, and sometimes, God wants us to wait.

We easily accept and embrace when God builds hedges around our path. We want God’s protection against things that would hurt us, and when he slows our pace we feel uncomfortable but we keep moving. It’s when he brings us to a stop that we cry out, “God, are you there?” What we fail to see is that sometimes when God says “not now” or “not yet” it is for our protection. Or it may be because there is something else he wants us to learn first. Struggling through the waiting lately has taught me one more thing about God, probably the most important thing. Waiting on the Lord of my life requires my complete dependence on God. It also requires a willingness to allow Him to decide the terms and the timing of his plan. It is in this place that I develop a deeper dependence in the character of God. God becomes a living and breathing presence inside of me as I let go of my tightly held desires and expectations and hand them over to him. It is the ultimate gift of trust. And I think…. this is what faith is in action. Perhaps this is why the bible talks so much about waiting.

Time is a precious gift. If you don’t think that’s true ask someone who just buried their child or someone who just got diagnosed with terminal cancer. What they would’t give for just one more day, more time. When we spend our days worried and frustrated with waiting, we are abusing time, and time is a special gift from God.

Seasons of waiting reveal where we put our trust. “God works all things together for his good.” Romans 8:28 If there is one thing I have learned over all the speed bumps of life is that I would much rather have God’s plan for my life than whatever I can muster up. God’s plans include making my life flourish, keeping me safe, and giving me hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

We will still say in this house, “WHAT’S TAKING SOOOOOO LONG!!!!” Because it’s funny and it makes us laugh. But our heart will feel a deep sense of peace waiting for God to reveal his great plan. “But as for me, I will look to the Lord, I will wait for the God of my salvation, my God will hear me.” Micah 7:7

What's Taking So Long!!!?

It’s been five months since my last blog…. And as someone said, “What’s taking soooo long?!!! We love to say that in our house. For everything…. It all started the weekend the grandkids stayed with us. We spent the day flitting from play dough to arts and crafts, to cooking rock tea in the play kitchen out back, to playing at the park. When I finally got to dinner, we were all pooped. My grand daughter Violet sat perched in her red high chair while I made the final preparations for dinner. She sat with a fork in one hand and I spoon in the other and pounded on the table letting out an exasperated, “WHAT’S TAKING SOOOOOOOO LONG?!” My immediate reaction was to strangle her, but instead all I could do was laugh. Don’t we all feel like that at times? Don’t we all wish we could be so honest and say it? Since that day the whole house says it in times when we are frustrated and impatient and somehow it feels better to say it out loud. We always end up chuckling.

Since that moment I have had plenty of reminders that things are not happening in the time that I want them. My nature says I want them now, God says wait.

This summer we took a road trip with the grand-kids. They kept asking if we were almost there, how much longer was it going to be, and of course, WHY IS IT TAKING SOOOOO LONG!!! It was a long time for them to sit still in their car seats. It was a lot to ask that they to be good, quiet and patient. It was hard. But when we got to our destination it was amazing. They had so much fun and did so many fun things that it was hard to see it end. It was worth a little bit of waiting for the reward at the end.

Waiting is hard. Waiting in a no passing zone behind a car that is going 15 miles under the speed limit is hard. Waiting in the grocery check out line behind someone who is using 30 coupons and can’t find that last one is hard. Waiting for your birthday to arrive when your 5 is hard. But waiting on God can be one of the most challenging of hard things.

And so it seems with my life lately, there is a lot of waiting. Don’t we all feel that with unanswered prayers or opportunities that seem to be on the brink of not sure yet? I just went through this with my youngest daughter. She was set to ship off to the Navy. We said our goodbyes, dropped her at the hotel and showed up the next morning for her swear in ceremony. When we arrived she informed us that there was a problem with her medical discharge. So we were told to wait. We waited while all the others shipped out and then we were sent home. We were told she would ship on a different date two weeks later. We waited. Then we were told she would ship the next month pending a waiver that was to come in. We waited. It’s the waiting that is so hard. We all were feeling WHY IS THIS TAKING SOOOOO LONG! But at that moment I knew that God was really in control. I knew that more than anything I wanted God’s will over my desires. But my heart wanted my daughter to have this so much. I was in a constant tug of war with my earthly heart and my heavenly soul. To say that I prayed constantly is an understatement. My mind was consumed with petitions to God to close a door if it was not the path he wanted her on. Honestly, also my prayer was, help me to be okay with your will. God closed that door to the Navy for my daughter. Everyone was shocked. And I was left with my greatest fear. Accepting God’s will.

It seems we are always waiting for something. That vacation we planned, or the raise to come in, or even our new shoes to break in. What is it about waiting that is so hard? It is so much easier to be walking than standing still. Just ask a three year old to sit still and wait for a bowl of candy to be passed around until it is her turn. That’s us with life. We want things now, and sometimes, God wants us to wait.

We easily accept and embrace when God builds hedges around our path. We want God’s protection against things that would hurt us, and when he slows our pace we feel uncomfortable but we keep moving. It’s when he brings us to a stop that we cry out, “God, are you there?” What we fail to see is that sometimes when God says “not now” or “not yet” it is for our protection. Or it may be because there is something else he wants us to learn first. Struggling through the waiting lately has taught me one more thing about God, probably the most important thing. Waiting on the Lord of my life requires my complete dependence on God. It also requires a willingness to allow Him to decide the terms and the timing of his plan. It is in this place that I develop a deeper dependence in the character of God. God becomes a living and breathing presence inside of me as I let go of my tightly held desires and expectations and hand them over to him. It is the ultimate gift of trust. And I think…. this is what faith is in action. Perhaps this is why the bible talks so much about waiting.

Time is a precious gift. If you don’t think that’s true ask someone who just buried their child or someone who just got diagnosed with terminal cancer. What they would’t give for just one more day, more time. When we spend our days worried and frustrated with waiting, we are abusing time, and time is a special gift from God.

Seasons of waiting reveal where we put our trust. “God works all things together for his good.” Romans 8:28 If there is one thing I have learned over all the speed bumps of life is that I would much rather have God’s plan for my life than whatever I can muster up. God’s plans include making my life flourish, keeping me safe, and giving me hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

We will still say in this house, “WHAT’S TAKING SOOOOOO LONG!!!!” Because it’s funny and it makes us laugh. But our heart will feel a deep sense of peace waiting for God to reveal his great plan. “But as for me, I will look to the Lord, I will wait for the God of my salvation, my God will hear me.” Micah 7:7

Following Jesus

Kids love to play hide and seek, and my two grand kids are no different.  At two and four they are quite the champion hide and seekers.  Now most kids don't like to be "it".  So I couldn't quite figure out why my grandson always WANTED to be "it" until I overheard a conversation he had with his little sister.  She was crying because she didn't want to be "it", and like any of us have done, (or still do), she said she didn't want to play anymore.  That's when I heard big brother tell her, " Violet, it's SO easy to find grandma.  All you have to do is find  Puppy and that's where grandma is hiding!"  As i picked my hiding spot I looked down and sure enough, there was Puppy, tag wagging like a beacon flag, announcing my position.  I tried to shew him away, but he only wagged his tail harder and began to dance around and bark.  So much for hiding.  We laughed about it when Violet "found" me, and Ezra said, "Grandma, Puppy sure loves you, he follows you everywhere."

This thought struck me later.  I love Jesus.  I follow him everywhere.  But when people find me do they also find Jesus?  Or am I an obstacle in their path.  Do the people who know me know that where I am, Jesus is near by?  Do my friends and family know when they are faced with a hard situation or difficulty in their lives, that they can call me for encouragement and prayer?  Do they know I follow Jesus.

What if someone followed me around all day with a video camera like they do on those annoying reality TV shows?  What if they documented my every word, facial expression and action.  What if they showed that footage to the world?  Would they see that I was following Jesus?

And that's where my heart just sinks.  You see I want to be a Mom that is peaceful, but I become fearful and irritated when my teenager makes bad choices.  I want to be a grandmother who is patient, but I become exhausted with the constant correction and teaching of obeying.  I want to be a person of gentleness and and self control, but then when I'm driving in my car I hear myself say to the car in front of me, "What are you doing?  First day driving?"  I am convicted.  It's hard being a die hard Christian when my sinful nature keeps getting in the way.  I wish that loving Jesus somehow transformed me into a person that was perfect all the time.

Here is the good news!  The gospel is so strong, it is so powerful, that the person telling it does not need to be perfect.  Jesus's power is not limited to my performance.  That truly is good news, because this earthly body of mine is prone to sin just like everyone else.  And maybe that's the point.  Maybe the gift is in the fact that Jesus is for everyone.  Even broken me.  I can follow him and mess up and there is grace.  So much grace.  I follow Jesus not to be perfect, but to love him perfectly.  I can say, "hey, I'm not perfect, but let me introduce you to someone who is."  

When I am hiding I want Jesus to be the one that rats me out.  Whether it be my passions, my gifts, or my self pity.  Psalm 139 says, O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord.  

As I wander through the house making circles through the rooms, Puppy is right at my feet.  The family jokes about this, but now it reminds me something else.  It reminds me of how the Lord never leaves my side.  As my grandson said, "Puppy sure loves you, he follows you everywhere."  And now I can say, "God sure loves me, he follows me everywhere."