Helene Lerner's Blog, page 188

Career Coach: The Case for Conferences

I love to attend conferences! I always come away with new knowledge and relationships that make the experience both fulfilling and profitable—not to mention a good time. Here are a few reasons why you should make it a priority to go to at least one conference a year.

Discover your “tribe.” When I was in my 20s and beginning my career, I was interested in organization change and development. I got my company to fund my registration for a national conference, and it was life-changing. I found a group of people who could inspire me—who were doing the work I yearned to do with knowledge and energy that surpassed my own. That "tribe" became the core of my network, and many of these people are still in my life today.

Validate the possibilities. Hearing from speakers who have experimented at their own companies has helped me take more calculated risks and given me confidence in my own ideas. Getting my masters degree has made a powerful difference in my career, but I needed to learn from peers and professionals, not just professors. Opportunities for encouraging and inspiring dialogue is rampant at these events.

Expose yourself to inspiration. When I attend conferences, I often discover new leaders, authors, and innovators in my field. Interacting with and observing these people expands my thinking and worldview. When I heard Malcolm Knowles speak on adult learning, his wisdom gave me principles and practices that have since brought me much success.

Nourish your creativity. Risky projects can push you to the edge of your ability. The “right” people to point the way, validate a hunch, or help you move forward have a tendency to show up at these conferences—just like magic!

Challenge (and raise) your standards. I attended one conference that featured several speakers from the military. I had previously been somewhat biased against the military's potential for innovation, but boy, was I in for a surprise! My first exposure to their ethos of learning and experimentation blew me away. My standards were indelibly raised that week, as were my expectations of every organization since.

Make new friends. What better way to expand a developmental network than by meeting colleagues who can become mentors, sponsors, and friends? Conferences are a wonderful way to meet others who share your excitement for learning. I always come home with a stack of business cards, and some of these people have gone on to become lifelong friends.

See your role models in action. If you've ever heard of Jean Houston (or seen her on YouTube), you know that she is a powerful speaker and thought leader—and she's even better live! I've also heard Goldie Hawn, Jamie Lee Curtis, and countless other “rock stars” give inspiring accounts of their lives and philosophies. Many of these people offer the chance to meet with them after their talks. It turns out that meeting your heroes can be much more exciting than reading their books.

Attending a conference can be a terrific help to your next project, not to mention your heart and soul. If you feel nervous, consider bringing a colleague along to compare notes and share the learning experience, and if you have financial concerns, see if your company might offer you support to attend. What are you waiting for? Find the right conference, register for it, and watch your opportunities expand.

—Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

Dare to Watch: You Are Enough

Let's face it: Putting up a front can be easier than being authentic. In order to tap into your power, however, you have to be bold enough to reveal your true self to the world. Enjoy a few of our favorite quotes on inner beauty. Follow @womenworking and like our Facebook page to recieve tips and inspiration all day, every day.

You have a lot to offer, so don't hold back. Happy Thursday!

—Video by Amy Stringer

Career Coach: Rising from Resentment

I have a special interest in leveraging difficult emotions. They carry important messages for us, and we can use them to help us adapt and thrive. In the past, I have written on anger, jealousy, and disappointment; this time, resentment gets the star treatment.

Resentment arises when your subconscious mind assesses that another party is not honoring their end of a bargain. For example, let's say that you and a coworker are tag-teaming a project, and he arrives late to an important meeting. “No problem!” you say. “We’ll just be really efficient today.” Your co-worker breathes a sigh of relief and thanks you for your understanding...then shows up late to the next three meetings, bringing lame excuses every time. Suddenly, you feel resentful.

Resentment supports our interest in maintaining reciprocity. It usually applies to our relationships - with individuals, with groups, with organizations - but we can also experience resentment over broken rules and breakdowns in policy administration. Reciprocity is vital to a healthy relationship; when it fails, breakdowns in trust, cooperation and good will tend to follow. Resentment, then, is a wake-up call—a signal to restore your sense of balance before the relationship in question gets worse. If we can’t find a way to air our grievances, our subconscious will continue to produce waves of resentment until we do.

Considered the options in the situation described above. You could remind your coworker of your agreed meeting time and ask that he please honor it. You could realize that you, too, have been late before, and consider the two of you even. You could decide that you will never work on a project with him again. Or you could consider letting it go, absolving him of the need for reciprocity.  While the first three options are acceptable ways to resolve feelings of resentment, the fourth choice would not effectively do the same.

So how do we process resentment in an adaptive - rather than reactive - way? The only reliable method is to turn our attention inward. We can then reflect on the following:

Clarify the context in which your resentment is arising. (Your colleague is consistently late for meetings, creating an imbalance in your shared responsibility).
Consider the conditions of satisfaction that are not being met. (You believe in calling ahead when running late and, furthermore, learning from past mistakes.)
Ask yourself how you might successfully air the grievance and who would its most effective target. (In this case, inviting a discussion with your coworker would better address the problem than complaining to someone else.)
Modify one or more of the above. (You could shift your conditions of satisfaction by redefining the word “late,” giving each of you a 10-minute grace period. If you are confident that this will work, your subconscious will also shift its expectation of reciprocity and stop sending red flags of resentment to your conscious mind.)

All of our emotions work this way. Just as our subconscious alerts us to anger, anxiety, jealousy, and disappointment, it also sends pleasurable emotions like happiness, satisfaction, excitement, and joy. (For more on the subject, see this post.) By assessing our needs and considering strategies that are viable in the context of our situations, we can effectively turn that challenging resentment into pleasurable satisfaction.

—Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

Dare to Know: Sasha DiGiulian Is Solid as a Rock

The most impressive souvenir most of us bring home from a child’s birthday party is a balloon animal or temporary tattoo. For Sasha DiGiulian, that “goodie bag” was a new hobby—one that transformed into a competitive sport, then snowballed into a career as a professional athlete. Sasha was just seven years old when she discovered her secret talent for scrambling up rock walls at a local climbing gym. Over a decade later, she’s now the world champion female climber, the first woman ever to ascend Spain’s gravity-defying Era Vella…and an incoming freshman at Columbia University.

“Climbing was where I found my passion,” recalls Sasha. After dabbling in sports ranging from soccer to ballet to figure skating, what convinced the multitalented athlete to trade ballet shoes for belay ropes? “I look forward to training!” proclaims Sasha, who spends two to three hours a day sweating it out. “When work is play - in any aspect of life - you’re going to excel the most.” Rather than seeing exercise as a necessary penance, Sasha sings the praises of its positive mental and emotional effects. “Exercising just makes you feel really good,” she says. “The days I go without doing anything physical, I feel so groggy."

Indeed, the peak fitness level required to excel at rock climbing has greatly influenced Sasha’s personal investment in her health. In a society where extreme thinness is often championed over genuine fitness, Sasha understands the necessity of engaging in healthy habits for the right reasons. “As a serious athlete, it’s important to feed your body appropriately. You have to take in enough energy to fuel your exercise,” she explains. Sasha’s interest in proper nutrition has opened the door to a love of cooking and baking. “You can make a lot of healthy food that’s really yummy!” she proclaims. “This morning, I made homemade energy bars in my blender.”

Like many athletes, Sasha calls on a soundtrack to help get her in the zone. "Hip-hop is my favorite warm-up music," she says. "Anything upbeat really helps get you in your rhythm. You have to go into a climb in a good mood, because negative energy literally weighs you down.” Sasha's other pre-climb rituals include painting her fingernails pink - her longtime signature color - and, of course, scheduling a quality carbo-load. "I eat a big pasta dinner the night before," she says. "That's pretty standard among athletes, I think."

While heights are clearly not a problem for this spider monkey of an ingénue, Sasha’s bravery does have its limits. “It sounds silly, but I’m terrified of being in deep water,” she admits. “There’s something about dangling there with fish swimming around. You don’t even know what’s under you!” Perhaps it’s fitting, therefore, that even Sasha’s personal mantra alludes to the climb. “Don’t be intimidated to set high goals and aspire to them,” she instructs, suddenly stoic.  Wise words from this 19-year-old, whose next climb will be higher education. “The greater dreams you set for yourself, the more opportunity you have to improve.”

—Emma Aubry Roberts

The Back-to-Work Challenge

Even a short week feels exhausting after a long weekend, yes? Life tends to crack down a bit after Labor Day, so we asked you to share a few of your "back-to-work resolutions" for fall. If you're looking to make a change in your life, draw inspiration from these women, who are laying their goals out on the table.

"My back-to-work resolution is reforming my habit for overtime. Doing way less overtime this fall!" —@riquisosa
"As a team of very few, we saw burnout approaching this year. Our resolution: Unplug during downtime to revitalize." —@Independiva
"Mine is to unleash my inner innovater. I'm using my 6-7am quiet hour as 'idea time' for visioning & creative tasks." —@catalystmom
"To adopt the philosophy of a world renowned actor and simply ''turn up.' Not that simple, but effective!" —@JacyBrean
"Stand firm and be proud of what I've achieved and what I can offer." —Sarah Woodall, Facebook

We're so proud of you all for taking the initiative to make a change. Keep us posted on your progress, and have a great weekend!

Career Coach: The Power of the Pause

When The Artist emerged as last year's blockbuster hit and Academy favorite, it was evident that silence was a key contributor toward the movie's success. Why is silence so powerful, and how can we use it to become better listeners, negotiators, and influencers?

Listen more than you talk. Listening is not passive. When we listen, we gain the trust of others. When people trust us, they tell us their needs, their wants, their dreams, and their plans of action. Listen to people makes them feel important—particularly if we are able to maintain eye contact while doing so. Unfortunately, too many of us don’t truly listen when others talk. What we call "listening" is often just marking time until we can jump in and start talking again ourselves.

Wait ten seconds. In today’s world, distractions like ringing phones and side conversations are all around us. Now that we have become conditioned to this noise, silence can make us feel uncomfortable. The next time someone poses a question, don’t utter a word for ten seconds. The person will almost certainly jump in with more information—anything to break the silence. Try becoming comfortable with ten seconds of silence, and watch what happens.

Ask for clarification. As I mentioned earlier, the person asking the questions usually controls the conversation. While you can certainly use questions to verify information, you can also use them to building the other person's trust in your understanding of the situation. On the flip side, however, there is no rule that you must answer every question you are asked. If you need to buy yourself time to think, simply remain silent, or throw back another question in response: “Before I answer that, please tell me why you ask.”

Pause between ideas. A recent study demonstrates that taking one- to two-second breaks between the movements of a musical symphony triggers a flurry of mental activity. A one- to two-second pause between sentences can prove just as powerful. Pauses help others better comprehend the information we are giving them. Any comedian will tell you that timing is everything—those of us who are fast talkers can benefit from deliberately using pauses for emphasis.

Use body language. A flinch. A shrug. A smile. Each carries a powerful message, and each can be enacted in total silence. A flinch - a quick, jerky shoulder movement coupled with a pained look - sends the immediate message you do not like what you have just heard. When used with silence, it may lead the person with whom you are negotiating to make a better offer. A shrug communicates indifference, while a silent smile can be powerfully enigmatic (just ask Mona Lisa!). Let the other party guess what you are thinking.

In a nutshell, silence is a useful linguistic structure that indicates you are listening. When used in conjunction with a question or facial expression, it can shift the basis of power or even the course of a negotiation. If you view silence as an artful way to gain trust and information, you can use it as powerful leverage for influence and negotiation.

—Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

Career Coach: Direct Address

Many of us pride ourselves on our ability to tell it like it is, but fragile egos and fear of litigation make engaging in "straight talk" a challenge. Managers often find it difficult to be candid without crossing the line, and words, phrases, and attitudes that might have been fine yesterday can become taboo overnight. Learning to speak in a respectfully straightforward manner is a key management skill that will serve you throughout your entire career.

It takes skill to hit right between the eyes without leaving your target feeling as though you’ve invaded their space or overstepped your boundaries. By implementing these four key principles, you can ensure that your words come off as crisp and expedient, not insensitive or rude.

Keep it neutral. Aim for clarity, but position your message in a way that won't evoke a defensive response. Sarcasm and unmitigated criticism lead others to put up walls rather than encouraging positive, productive conversation.

Make empathy your strategy. Put yourself on the other side. What does this person stand to gain from fixing the issue at hand? Approach it as though you’re a team with a common goal, and focus on the big picture rather than the things that bug you.

Have a helpful intention. Don't assume the person is aware of how their behavior appears or affects other people. In opening up a dialogue, you may even learn that your own behavior plays a role of which you were previously unaware.

Stay professional. Just because your situation is contentious or makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean you should dance around it. You’ll get better results being considerate and direct.

Sound doable? Let's put these strategies to work in a few common office scenarios.

Your boss is a control freak. Don’t: "All my other managers have always been happy with my performance. I don’t get why you’re all over my every move. What’s it going to take to satisfy you?” Do: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been watching me closely as of late. I want to know how I can better give you what you need and instill confidence in my ability.”

A gossipy coworker is driving you nuts. Don’t: “Barb, why must you be so overly concerned with everyone else’s business?” Do: “Hey Barb, I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but people are starting to express discomfort about the way you're constantly discussing others. I just wanted to give you a heads-up that you might want to tone it down a bit.”

An employee’s work is consistently subpar. Don’t: “Gee, Charlie, you make more mistakes than everyone else combined. Do you know what you’re doing?” Do: “Charlie, I know you’re trying hard, and I appreciate that. I’d like to help you improve the quality of your work so it’s level with the rest of the team.”

A peer is stepping on your toes. Don’t: “Look, Jennifer, I’m in charge of product PR. Not you. I think we’ll get along much better if you let me run things my way.” Do: “Jennifer, you seem to be very interested in how product PR goes down. I’d like to know how you think my team can work together more effectively.”

You may think that your solutions are more subtle than the “don’t"s listed above, but even if that's true, you’re only being more subtle about the way you insult, degrade, and de-motivate. Don’t be subtle—be direct, but with finesse. Only then will your efforts be met with the positive results you desire.

—Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

Career Coach: Welcome to September!

A new month means a new career coach, and believe us when we say you're in good hands.Meet your September career coach, Andrea Zintz!

Hello, everyone!

I'm Andrea Zintz, your Career Coach for September. I am once again happy to be your resource as you pose questions, ideas, and experiences about navigating workplace, relationships and career.

A little about me: I specialize in executive and high potential leadership strategy, succession and development. I have over 30 years experience in Leadership Development, Change Management, Human Resources Development and Training. For 11 years, I have consulted to large corporations on leadership, team, and organization development.

I cultivated my experiences as a coach within the diversified healthcare and pharmaceutical, defense, and retail industries. As Vice President of Human Resources and Management Board member of the Johnson & Johnson subsidiary, Ortho Biotech, Inc., I helped lead the growth of the company from $40 million to $500 million in a 6-year period, and launched breakthrough biotech products. I also led executive leadership development for North America from J&J Corporate. My special interests include executive women advancement, diversity/inclusion, and mentoring. My doctoral dissertation was about mentoring: What constitutes effective mentoring for women who are stuck in their careers within large corporate settings? I received my M.A. and Ph.D. from Fielding Graduate University.

Today my clients include J&J, Lockheed Martin, Boehringer Ingelheim, Nokia Siemens Networks, and GE. A specialty of our company is crafting powerful and strategic questions we can ask ourselves (and others) to access the best thinking. Since questions are a powerful leverage point for thinking, if we change our questions, we can encourage our best answers and this can help our thinking, decision, behaviors and results.

I enjoy coaching and my goal is to make a difference every day. I live in New Jersey, am married to an elementary school teacher and have two wonderful daughters, 15 and 18.

Please feel free to comment with any questions or special requests. I look forward to a great month!

—Andrea Zintz, Career Coach

Dare to Watch: Change is Good

The times, they are a-changin'...and soon, the leaves will be as well. Believe it or not, Labor Day marks (for many) the transition from summer to fall. In honor of the changing seasons, we put together a few of our favorite inspirational tweets on change. Follow @womenworking to receive inspiration and career advice all day, every day.

You can't run from change, so embrace it. Enjoy the long weekend, and we'll see you on Tuesday!

—Video by Amy Stringer

Career Coach: Play to Win

Since the economic downturn began, it seems that “playing it safe” has become a national pastime. Companies have laid off employees, instigated hiring freezes, and focused on cost-cutting measures rather than seeking to grow and prosper. While many of them have money, they are afraid to use it due to uncertainty in the marketplace.That’s called playing it safe—and it's the opposite of playing to win.

The problem is that growth demands risk - of time, of money, of talent - on endeavors that can be said to have a reasonable expectation of success (the operative word here being “expectation,” not “guarantee"). Leaders take risks where others are paralyzed by the possibility of failure. Some companies understand this—they aggressively launch new products, enter new markets, and venture into uncharted territory. These are the companies that set the pace, earn the profits, and reap the benefits of their leader status.

The same principle applies to individuals. Polls reveal that a large percentage of employees - anywhere from one-third to over one-half - say that they will look for new jobs when the economy picks up. For now, however, they are content to play it safe. Meanwhile, others are proactively seeking opportunities—and finding them.

There are no guarantees, but there are always opportunities. Playing to win means finding and exploiting these opportunities to get ahead. Do you have to leave your current job in order to do so? Maybe, maybe not. If you're content where you are, look for opportunities to grow and advance within your position. Learn a new skill. Propose a new idea. Ask for more responsibility, or for more resources to do your job better. If your efforts are ill-received, give it some time and ask again. Push back on the status quo.

Are you playing it safe, or are you playing to win? While none of these endeavors guarantee your success, they at least put the option on the table. Go ahead, weigh the risk-profit ratio before making a decision—but please, quit doing things just because they're "safe." When the economy does improve, you'll be an MVP for playing to win while others were hanging out in their comfort zones.

—Alan Allard, Career Coach

It's been a treat having Alan on the site this month! For more from our executive career and life coach, pick up his e-book for Amazon Kindle here.