Helene Lerner's Blog, page 184

Career Coach: Get the Edge By Living Big

I bet you are fascinated, as am I, with human behavior. You’ve probably wondered why some seem to make their mark at work, while others make friends wherever they go? Why are some so confident and others so consistently happy? 

There certainly isn’t just one answer, and many books have been written exploring all these questions. My latest read—Be Happy!: Release the Power of Happiness in YOU by Robert Holden—reminded me that to excel at anything we have to keep learning. 

Be the student. Today I read the forward and discovered it was written by one of my favorite authors, Louise L. Hay. In it, Ms. Hay says, “It is said that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. We are all students and life always has another lesson to teach us…I thought I was a happy person and I was. Now…I am happier on a deeper, quieter level. I also notice that I am happiest when I am being grateful. Thank you Robert. This student was definitely ready for you, my latest teacher. I love learning.” 

Take the next step. Ms. Hay has lived an extraordinary life, but has dealt with the kind of life pain that many decide to ignore or succumb to. How did she not only survive some horrendous life experiences, but go on to thrive and become an author, speaker and teacher to so many? She did so by changing and growing—selling 40 million copies of her first book You Can Heal Your Life as of 2011—well into her eighties. 

Believe in more. Ms. Hay is a leader who has never stopped learning and transforming. And to keep learning, we have to believe that there is more for us to learn and more for us to become.

As we approach the end of another year and look forward to 2013, we would do well to remember that if we want to be a leader of any kind—and who doesn’t—we have to keep learning. May we all have the attitude of “I love learning” no matter our age, status or level of achievements.

—Alan Allard, Career Coach

 

A Healing in the Hurricane

Dad died about a month ago, and then there was Hurricane Sandy. Heath, my 22-year-old son, and I were in the evacuation zone. We live on the water in Manhattan, so for two days we stayed in my father’s apartment. My sister and I have the apartment through November, so why not take advantage of the vacant space?

At first, I thought it might be spooky, but then I realized he would want us to be safe and to use this space. He always ended conversations with, “Do you need anything?” and Heath and I did need something—his apartment. 

Grieving is uncomfortable. It is a cold, hollow sensation shooting through my body. However, I was surprised that when we stayed in Max’s apartment it was warm and soothing. His vibration was all over the place. There were so many photos of him and his grandchildren, the American flag was on the window—Dad was a veteran of WWII—and his wall was full of paintings he collected over the years. It was his personal gallery. And my father, up until the very end, would read books in the living room and glance at his collection. How satisfying for him. With excellent hospice care, he had his wish: to die at home. 

Staying here for a few days I felt hugged by memories and his lingering spirit that permeates the place. 

Death is like a tropical storm. When someone you love is at the end of life and dies, there’s a great upheaval. Emotions feel larger than life, and the potential to fly off the handle is there at any moment. 

And yet you don’t. Last night, in the midst of the turbulence, I went grocery shopping. However, nothing was open except a small corner store. I bought $45 worth of staples, and as I crossed the street holding two shopping bags of food—one in each arm to weigh me down—I was staggering from the wind and had to stop and hold on to the railing a few times. It was weird; no one was on the streets. 

But seeing the light in my father’s lobby kept me going. My son was thrilled by the crispy treat I brought him, but at 9pm, when the lights went out here too, my father’s kind neighbors knocked on the door. For their young children, Halloween came early this year as they ran through the dark hall with a flashlight. The moral of the story: everything that happens in life is perfectly orchestrated—my father’s death after 95 years of life, Hurricane Sandy and her repercussions, Heath and I having some personal time to grieve my father’s loss. 

I know Max is laughing above it all as he goes to his next incarnation. 

Love you dad. 

 

Dare to Know: Lyn Mikel Brown Liberates Girls From Media's Messages

On Halloween, young children roam the streets decked in their finest costumes to trick-or-treat. For boys, Batman and firefighter costumes rank high, while girls settle for scantily clad genies, maids, and cheerleaders. Lyn Mikel Brown, a professor of education at Colby College, has taken to fighting back against this disturbingly sexist trend. 

“The sexualization of girls is linked to sexism, objectification, and commodification, and this is linked to lower self-esteem, depression, negative body image, and lower grades,” Lyn says. Harsher effects include sex trafficking and discrimination of women and girls. 

For Lyn, identifying this behavior is not something new. “I grew up in rural Maine, working class, and I think I was pretty tuned in to what it would require to pass as a middle class girl,” Lyn recalls. “I wanted it, and the benefits were clear—better grades, clubs, and honor society invites that translate to college admissions, boyfriends, and visibility.” 

Unlike many of her peers, Lyn was able to recognize the messages that value beauty, kindness, and modesty in girls more than intelligence, determination, and strength. Several years later, as an undergraduate studying psychology, she was able to identify the sexism that she experienced as a specific intersection of social class and gender. She pursued this interest at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, where she received a degree in Human Development and Psychology. 

“For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a psychologist, but as I listened to girls and became fascinated with the ways they resisted gender expectations and stereotypes, it became clear to me that if I wanted to join them in that resistance, education was the only real choice,” Lyn says. 

She soon found herself at Colby, where she currently teaches courses on girls’ development, popular culture, and schooling and activism. She is the author of several books on child development, including Packaging Girlhood: Rescuing Our Daughters From Marketer’s Schemes and Meeting at the Crossroads: Women’s Psychology and Girls’ Development. Lyn is a co-founder of Hardy Girls Healthy Women, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the health and wellbeing of girls and women, and SPARK (Sexualization Protest: Actions, Resistance, Knowledge), an intergenerational girl-fueled movement to challenge the sexualization of girls. 

Lyn has launched many national campaigns, including a “Bring Scary Back” protest to encourage girls to favor scary and creative Halloween costumes over sexy options. SPARK has also flooded national headlines recently as 14-year-old SPARKteam member Julia Bluhm successfully launched a petition against Seventeen asking them to limit their use of Photoshop and portray a variety of body types in their images. 

While these campaigns have certainly lead the way, Lyn continues to erase sexism for future generations. “My goals are to continue to work with girls to develop their critical thinking about injustices in all forms and to understand the intersection of gender with other oppressions—racism, classism, homophobia, able-bodyism—and to work with adults to develop enabling conditions for girls’ health and wellbeing and their full and equal participation in the culture. It’s transformative—not just on the individual level, but the community and cultural level.”

— Lindsay Putnam

Career Coach: Will You Jump Ship When the Economy Improves?

For the past couple of years I’ve seen polls indicating that when the economy improves, there will be a significant number of employees jumping ship to find better opportunities. One poll even talked about the upcoming “résumé tsunami” when the economy turns the corner. I find it hard to take such polls seriously, and here’s why: most employees hate the job search process, and changing jobs takes a great deal of initiative, self-confidence and perseverance—especially if you’re not a top performer in your industry. 

But polls are like any other set of statistics; what do they really mean when it comes down to one person—to you? You might be fantasizing about greener pastures and companies courting your talent; the question is, will you take action or is it just wishful thinking? Regardless of your answer, here are three things for you to consider:

Will you be ready when the time comes? Do you invest in building your network now? Do you keep in touch with colleagues, new contacts and recruiters? Are you forging relationships with others long before you go to them for assistance? If you don’t, you will be in for a rude awakening. Author and entrepreneur Harvey Mackay wrote a book with a provocative title that is worth remembering: Dig Your Well Before You’re Thirsty. You are more likely to receive assistance from an acquaintance later if you connect with him or her now. 

What kind of reference will your boss or company give you? Forget what you are told about companies not giving bad references for fear of lawsuits. You might get lucky and have an HR person toe the line and not say anything that would reflect poorly on you—but do you really want to leave your career up to luck? And what if you are one of millions who work for a small company that isn’t so experienced and careful? The person being asked about you doesn’t have to say anything overtly negative about you—their tone of voice, or what they don’t say, might say it all. For that reason, it is important to remain a key player at your current job—even if your mind is already venturing further down the road.

Is it your company—or is it you? If you’re not happy where you are, are you sure you will be happy somewhere else? It’s easy to think that another company’s grass will be greener. Why not do your very best to water and fertilize the lawn you are on now? And don’t be too quick to think you’ve done everything you can—that’s rarely the case. Now is the time to improve your skills, unleash your passion and do your best work—even when things are far from optimal. 

Maybe I’m wrong and when the economy does improve, there will be a significant exodus of employees looking for the next boss who will show more appreciation and be a partner in your career advancement. What I do know is that it’s smart to make sure you are capitalizing on the opportunity you have now before you go off looking for a better one. Whatever you do, and whatever is best for you, I wish you much success!

—Alan Allard, Career Coach 

 

Dare to Watch: Barbara Sibley Finds the Spice of Life

Who says a woman in the kitchen is perpetuating stereotypes? Not Barbara Sibley, owner and chef of NYC restaurant La Palapa. In fact, Barbara has worked to dispel preconceptions of Mexican cooking through her work. Watch her in her element--then get the recipe for her delicious fig sauce below.

Chipotle-Fig Sauce

1 cup dried figs, stemmed and halved lengthwise (about 10 figs)

1 cup warm water

1 cup brown sugar

3 tablespoons chipotle chiles in adobe sauce (or half an 8 oz. can)

Salt

Soak figs in water until soft. Retain water. Transfer figs to a blender or food processor fitted with a metal blade. Add brown sugar and chiles, and process until smooth. Add soaking water little by little until sauce becomes syrupy. Season to taste with salt.

Happy Friday!

Video editor Nina Giordano

 

Career Coach: Success Falls on You

If I were to ask you who is responsible for the current state of your life and career, most of you would automatically respond, “I am responsible—no one else.” Good for you, because you would be right! However, I don't mean to imply that any lack of success thus far is your "fault." Instead, I want to look at the idea of taking full responsibility from an entirely different angle.

We all receive help along the way - from parents, teachers, friends, colleagues, bosses, and more - but ultimately, they don’t do the work that moves us along. Whatever level of success you have achieved, both at work and outside of it, is yours. You are responsible. You have worked hard to achieve your goals. You did that—not anyone else. Allow that realization to sink in for a moment.

You might protest, saying, “But I got my promotion because my boss saw something in me. I got a break.” I’m not buying that, and neither should you. Yes, your boss saw your potential and maybe even took a slight chance by acting on it. But your boss is no dummy. He or she promoted you for good reason, and you can take credit for that as well.

Whether you are just beginning your career or have a couple of decades behind you, say these words aloud to yourself: “I am responsible for my success.” This time, however, say them in a way acknowledges the fact that you have gotten yourself to where you are now. You probably didn't do it alone, but you did do it. Congratulate yourself!

You can be grateful and acknowledge the help you receive without giving your power away. Opportunities may come from outside sources, but what you do with it them is up to you. Own that. Believe it. Feel it. To do otherwise is not humility, it’s false modesty—and even worse, it’s a lie. We've all heard that “success begets success,” but that’s only partially true. Success begets success if you own it—if you embrace the idea that you, and you alone, are responsible.

—Alan Allard, Career Coach

Dare to Know: Jeanne Fleming Creates Transformation Through Celebration

As the director of New York City’s famous Greenwich Village Halloween Parade, Jeanne Fleming is the city’s reigning queen of the macabre. It seems only fitting, then, that her career as a “celebration artist” began with a life-threatening diagnosis. “I took a trip to Morocco, and I contracted hepatitis from the water,” she recalls. “I thought to myself, Well, if I’m going to die, I’m going to do something big before I go.”

That something was a full-scale horse and puppet show, the result of a lifelong fascination with the link between performance and community. One production gave way to more, and Jeanne soon became a prominent figure in the world of site-specific theatre. In 1986, Jeanne took the helm of the Village Parade, determined to redefine the event as a creative outlet for the city’s residents. “I call it the ‘Hokey Pokey’—you have to put your whole self in,” she explains of the parade’s immersive nature. “It’s an opportunity for regular people to undergo transformation.”

While creativity is a key component of Jeanne’s work, she credits her sharp business acumen for the popularity of what has at times been a controversial event—never more so than in 2001, when the parade took place despite the recent terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centers. “We could turn toward lower Manhattan and see the fires still burning in the days leading up to the parade,” Jeanne remembers. “New York needed a healing celebration to prove that it could still be a place that was safe and good and creative.” The resulting event progressed from solemnity into joyful catharsis, and Jeanne remembers it as her most meaningful parade to date.

Above all, Jeanne delights in the welcoming atmosphere that the parade offers its two million viewers and 90,000 participants. “The Village Parade is not just tolerant—it is loving,” she articulates, citing the event’s longtime cooperation with the gay rights movement as evidence of its inclusive nature and political clout. “It is a celebration of the unique imagination. The essence of the parade is a single individual who, for the duration of the parade, becomes something else entirely—and does so in the streets of the most sophisticated city in the world.”

—Emma Aubry Roberts

Career Coach: The Paper Trail to Success

If I were to ask you when you last reached out to someone via text, tweet, email or Facebook, you probably wouldn’t have to think long. We live in an age of instant communication—but while technology rocks, sometimes it just isn’t enough. If you want to send someone the message that you've made a sincere effort on their behalf, you're going to have to get a little old-school.

At the risk of sounding hopelessly outdated, whatever happened to the art of the handwritten note? When is the last time you sent (or received) a message on paper? I bet you have to think a little harder about about that! In a way, the scarcity of handwritten communication actually offers an advantage—if you do choose to go old-school, the gesture will carry more of an impact.

Picture the scene: The mild shock on the face of the lucky person receiving your note quickly transforms into a smile upon seeing that it was you who reached out in such an antiquated way. That smile registers the fact that you went out of your way to make him or her feel special. When curiosity prompts the recipient to open your note, he or she will feel touched on an emotional level, even if the contents of your note are simple and straightforward.

If you were to send that same person a text, tweet or email, of course the gesture would be appreciated. But your words would quickly become buried in an email folder or lost in cyberspace. That old-school handwritten note, on the other hand, would likely be displayed prominently on a desk or stashed in a drawer with other sentimental objects. Even your grumpy co-worker or distant relative is likely to react this way—while most inboxes are overloaded, most drawers have plenty of space.

Think about that the next time you want to say "thank you" (or anything else important) to your boss, team member, friends or family. Set aside your keypad, smartphone or iPad, and get out your pen and paper. Let old-school "technology" work its magic. While technology rocks, sometimes it's the old-school methods that will put you on a roll.

—Alan Allard, Career Coach

Career Coach: The Laws and Limits of HR

Jack* is in the IT field. He likes his work, his colleagues and even his boss. What more could an employee ask for? How about a performance review? It’s been two and a half years, and Jack has yet to receive any formal feedback on his work. While this may seem fishy, the company's record indicates that performance reviews have consistently been given low priority.

Barbara* is in the healthcare field. She received a promotion six months ago, and her boss recently told her she is exceeding expectations. Naturally, Barbara was pretty thrilled—until she discovered that another employee (also female) had just been hired for the same position and offered $5000 more than Barbara is currently earning. Ouch! Barbara’s manager, who had nothing to do with the decision, agreed the salary imbalance was unjustified.

Both Jack and Barbara asked me if they should take their cases to human resources. After all, isn’t HR supposed to ensure that all employees are treated fairly? Doesn't HR exist to advocate on behalf of employees who feel slighted? Well, yes and no! HR’s real job is to balance the needs of the company with those of its employees. They want everyone to feel valued and satisfied, but they also have to look out for the bottom line.

HR professionals typically work hard, care deeply and do their best to champion those who seek their help. They strive to create an environment in which everyone can thrive. But the HR department doesn’t craft the company’s policies or determine its culture and values—senior leadership does that, and the role of HR is to carry out that direction. Imagine HR as an external recruiter and yourself as an interviewing candidate. While both HR and the recruiter want to satisfy the needs of both parties, the highest obligation is to the hiring company. (Ethical breaches are another story. We won't discuss those here.)

With that in mind, what should Jack and Barbara (and you!) do? Start by asking yourself who has the power to change your situation. Is it your manager? A senior executive? While HR can advocate for you in either situation, they may not be able to resolve the problem. You need to manage your expectations and consider how you can align your interests with those of the company. Even the best HR professional can only do what is authorized by those at the helm of the ship.

By all means, go to HR with your problems and ideas. Collaborate with them. Partner with them. That's what they're there for! Just know that HR's abilities are limited—and that’s not a criticism, it's just a fact of organizational life. Ultimately, you are the only one who can protect and advocate for yourself. Your company may own your job, but you own your career. And if the rules don't work for you, you can choose not to work for them.

—Alan Allard, Career Coach

* Names have been changed.

Dare to Watch: Amy Scherber Builds Her Dream from Scratch

Many families have special recipes that are passed down from generation to generation, but what about a tradition of writing ten-year plans? Amy Scherber (of popular NYC bakery Amy's Bread) reflects on starting her own business and building her dream...from scratch.

Always follow what your heart is telling you to do. Thanks for the sweet advice, Amy!

—Video by Nina Giordano