Helene Lerner's Blog, page 186

Career Coach: When "Nice" Doesn't Cut It

Dale Carnegie wrote How to Win Friends and Influence People 76 years ago. While terms like “soft skills” and “emotional intelligence” were not yet part of the conversation, the associated concepts certainly were. Then and now, we are told that in order to be successful, we must develop an ability to play well with others.

That's sound advice (don’t you wish everyone thought so!), but some people confuse being nice with being agreeable—too quick to say "yes" and too quick to concede. To have influence and impact, you must also set boundaries, speak with confidence, and be willing to risk rejection for your beliefs. You can start by implementing these two practices:

Serve yourself. If you are quick to notice the needs of others and always say “yes” to their requests, take note of how doing so may be affecting your life. Practice saying, “I wish I could help you, but it’s not possible right now.” It’s fine to be nice to others—just not at your own expense.

Stand your ground. If you have reason to believe that a doomed project can be turned around, speak up with conviction. You may not be the most experienced person in the room, but if you're the one with a viable plan, you can still be the one who saves the day.

The bottom line? When you stand up for yourself and your ideas in an appropriate manner, you will likely find that others listen with respect. Being nice to others is well and good—just be sure to put yourself on the list as well.

— Alan Allard, Career Coach

How Are You a Trailblazer?

In honor of yesterday's Columbus Day holiday, we asked all of you to share how you are trailblazers in your everyday lives. We loved reading the reponses, and we bet you will too! Here are a few highlights from our little Twitter survey.

@tmcorso: 1st woman in my family 2 graduate college. Now working on my MBA.
@JPPilates: I work with clients to change their lives in a healthy way- through Pilates & motivation!
@InspiredHealth_: I work to get life sciences to pay attention to patients and improve health outcomes
@TeriHockett: It is my mission to show companies and women that their life skills and experience belong on the resume & at work.
@teamicream: I've been through many trials & tribulations & I continue to get back up after being knocked down! I'm not afraid to tell my story especially knowing it could encourage someone else

Rock on, ladies. Keep forging ahead and encouraging one another! Follow @womenworking for more daily conversation, inspiration and advice.

Career Coach: Get Happy!

All other things being equal, happy employees make for higher productivity. When leaders help their employees in the happiness department, they reap the investment in the bottom line. Employees who are happy with their environments and the nature of their work have less conflict and are willing to give more without being asked—not to mention that when it comes to customer service, happy employees make for happy customers.

Tony Hsieh, the CEO of Zappos and the author of Delivering Happiness: A Path to Profits, Passion and Purpose, would agree. Hsieh built his company on employee culture rather than customer service, because he knew that happy employees beget happy customers. His theory has since proven to be true. However, you’re not Tony Hsieh, and there's a good chance you don’t run your company. So what can you do to improve your happiness at work?

Look beyond the office walls. Wherever you fall on the happiness scale in your overall life, pick an area (health, fitness, finances, relationships) that you can improve. When you come to work, you bring not only your body, but also your sense of well-being and contentment. If you want to be happier at work, increase your happiness in other areas. Doing so will have a ripple effect.

Embrace a new challenge. Happiness has a lot to do with breaking through limits and achieving goals. I don’t know of anyone who can be both bored and happy at the same time. Don’t wait for your manager to recognize your underused talent; instead, ask for him or her to let you head up a project you’ve been thinking about.

Make a gratitude adjustment. Happiness and gratitude go hand-in-hand. To quickly and easily boost them both, begin or end your day by writing out three things that you are thankful for. These could include a means of transportation to and from the office, a colleague's acknowledgment of your work, or even just the fact that you have a job! (If you are unemployed, you can especially benefit from this simple exercise.)

Happiness doesn't happen by accident. We have to create it ourselves. Don’t wait for your company to take the lead—your life and your happiness are your reponsibility. Go for it!

— Alan Allard, Career Coach

Dare to Watch: Barbara Corcoran Shares the Wealth

Entrepreneur and Shark Tank personality Barbara Corcoran hosted a conference for business owners in NYC this past week. Draw inspiration from the enterprising spirit of the event—and, of course, the warm-blooded shark herself. See our video, below!

As always, thanks to Barbara for her keen wisdom and generous spirit. To wonderful women in power!

—Video by Nina Giordano

Career Coach: Back in the Game

The question of how to strategically approach a return to the workforce is being posed by more and more professionals. These people have plenty of experience—just not in recent times! The good news is that companies are embracing a more enlightened (and profitable) understanding of the value offered by sidelined professionals hoping to return to work.

Working Mother Magazine's annual “100 Best Companies” list spotlights employers that consider moms to be valuable assets, offering flexible hours and nurturing leadership potential. These companies have also been known to provide stress reduction programs, health and fitness amenities, and overall wellness initiatives. Knowing "corporate America," however, we can be pretty sure that these companies aren't solely motivated by "doing good"; rather, they know that working moms (and dads!) can do them a world of good as well.

If you've been out of the workforce for a while, here are three things you should know:

Companies that know your value do exist.
You only need one job offer.
There has never been a better time to reenter the workforce.

Did that last point shock you? True, these are times of high unemployment, change and uncertainty, but there are also more opportunities available to nontraditional candidates. Many companies are not just accepting, but actually welcoming returning professionals to join their ranks. Instead of focusing on the factors working against you, own your value and market yourself with confidence. Pretty soon, you're bound to start hearing, “So, when can you start?”

— Alan Allard, Career Coach

Ignite Your Vision with Barbara Corcoran

This morning I attended WOBI's seminar on entrepreneurship, hosted by Barbara Corcoran. Barbara is a dynamo and friend. At the event, men and women were actively networking, sharing smart ways of growing their companies as well as insights on gathering venture capital.

All eyes were on Barbara as she shared her "10 Secrets to Business Success" (stay tuned for our video, coming tomorrow afternoon). I also met a few winners from from ABC's hit series Shark Tank, one of whom you'll be meeting in our video (hint: she's feisty, and she sells phenomenal cakes)!.

A few highlights from Barbara's talk:

Mistakes are inevitable, so learn from them. If you do, you can turn them around and make them work for you.
Build a culture based on fun. Creative solutions come from creating a playful atmosphere with your team.
Down economic times can actually give small business an edge. Everyone is struggling, which evens the playing field.

More to come in tomorrow's video...

Career Coach: When Change Takes Shape

Yesterday, I received an email from someone I’ve known and respected for over a decade. Kathy* has been in middle management at a large company for the past five years, but for the past two, she's been feeling less than passionate about her work. She is contemplating a career change. When we last spoke on the phone, she said, “I’ve only told you, my husband, and one other person about this. Frankly, you’re the only one who hasn’t told me I’m nuts.”

I wasn’t surprised, but I felt for her. Most people would say that the last thing one should do in these challenging economic times is take a risk. “Hold on to what you’ve got” seems to be the popular wisdom. But guess what? Staying in a position that doesn’t challenge or fulfill you carries risks of its own. Doing so is a sure path to boredom or burnout—not to mention a missed opportunity to pursue the next grand adventure!

If you’re considering a change of direction but unsure as to what that might lok like, author and career coach JoAnn Corley recommends doing three things:

Think in terms of function. Set aside titles and job descriptions. Instead, think about what functions you have been delivering and that might be needed in other industries. Don’t most organizations need project managers, accountants, and sales professionals? Even if you’ve spent 5-10 years in one field, your skills are likely desired elsewhere as well.
Look to your younger years. Take a mental trip back to childhood. What did playtime look like? A colleague of mine used to imagine hosting and interviewing guests á la Johnny Carson (this was pre-Oprah!). Today, she has worked for more than a decade as a speaker and trainer, putting her natural bent for entertainment to use.
Steer clear of the classroom. Fear and uncertainty send too many viable employees back to school. Is another degree really necessary, or just an excuse to postpone the inevitable? Companies don't hire diplomas; they hire people who can perform. Your job is to convince the hiring manager that you can solve problems and uncover opportunities.

Of course, there's more to changing careers than these three bullet points, but that's plenty to mull over for now. If you have a specific question about reinventing yourself or your career, leave a comment. I'll be happy to explore the issue further.

— Alan Allard, Career Coach

* Name has been changed.

Dare to Know: Deborah Tolman SPARKs a Revolution

[image error]An advertisement featuring a scantily clad woman is hardly usual. We’re so used to being bombarded with this type of advertising that we often accept it without question...but have we forgotten the effects that these ads have on the sexual development of young girls?

Deborah Tolman sure hasn’t—and SPARK, the organization she co-founded with Dr. Lyn Mikel Brown, wants to change our willingness to take sexualized advertising at face value. “We’re trying to get people to think,” Deborah says. “Our motto is ‘We’re taking sexy back.’”

A psychologist and professor at Hunter College, Deborah worked on a task force convened by the American Psychological Association (APA) to evaluate the existing knowledge regarding the sexualization of girls. The resulting report has been downloaded more than a million times from the APA website—more than anything else on the site. “We made a number of recommendations, one of which was that people raise their awareness,” Deborah explains. “Sexualization is everywhere. The report shows that it’s really problematic for girls and women, as well as boys and men. It’s getting in the way of healthy sexual development.”

Deborah's commitment to raising awareness only grew after the report’s release. She and Lyn Brown, a colleague and friend from grad school, came up with the idea to hold a summit. They invited over 30 academic and activist organizations, such as the Women’s Media Center and the Ms. Foundation, to a planning convention. To their surprise, everyone showed up.

“We didn’t want the summit to be a bunch of grownups sitting in chairs listening to other grownups talk,” Deborah recalls. “We wanted it to be girl-focused and girl-fueled from the start. We envisioned half of the attendees as girls who could bring adult women with them, and we developed a program accordingly.”

Neither did Deborah want the summit to become just a one-time (or even annual) event. “We wanted to start something bigger. We think of ourselves more fluidly as a social movement with the ongoing goal of challenging the sexualization of girls,” Deborah proclaims. SPARK enacts this mission through its web and social media presence, as well as its outreach initiatives. One such initiative is a series of downloadable “SPARKits,” do-it-yourself media blitz kits that can be used to spread positive messages in any academic or organizational setting.

Outside of her work with SPARK, Deborah teaches research and sexuality theory at Hunter College’s School of Social Work. Her book, Dilemmas of Desire: Teenage Girls Talk about Sexuality - a book she says “should be sitting on a shelf collecting dust” due to its 2002 publication date - is still relevant today, underscoring the degree to which activist organizations like SPARK are needed. “Much of my work has dealt with trying to frame sexual development as normative, and I think we have made tremendous progress,” she affirms. “But girls are still struggling.”

A big part of helping girls is educating boys. SPARK has worked with the Male Allies street harrassment awareness group, and Deborah incorporates SPARK’s message into her own family values. “My sons have been a part of an ongoing conversation about human sexuality. The understand what it means to live in a healthy way and to be connected to yourself,” she relates. “The reality that girls have a sexuality of their own is just part of the air for them.”

Promoting SPARK’s mission also means challenging the messages sent to us by advertisers. “Express how you feel with your pocketbook. Ultimately, that’s what’s going to change things,” Deborah says, encouraging women to refrain from supporting brands and publications who sexualize women.

The biggest changes, however, must come from within. “Sexualization pushes women to look at their bodies rather than to feel them,” says Deborah . “We’re so consumed with appearance that it gets in the way of our emotions.” Ultimately, SPARK's message is designed not to wave a distant flame, but to inspire a fire inside. Here's to taking sexy back.

Career Coach: Welcome to October!

Hello! I’m Alan Allard, and I'll be your career coach for the month of October. This month will be all about you—but before we get started, you might want to know a few things about me as well.

For the past eight years, I have worked as a consultant, executive coach, speaker, trainer, and life coach. My current work deals with helping companies, teams, and individuals thrive in challenging times by improving performance and building resilience. I have a master’s and a doctorate in Counseling, and I spent 12 years working in private practice as a psychotherapist. I also wrote a book called Seven Secrets to Happiness!, which can be purchased here. On a personal note, I am married to my high school sweetheart, and we have two incredible daughters (as well as two equally incredible son-in-laws).

Over the next few weeks, we'll be taking a look at what you can do to increase your success, fulfillment, and happiness—both in your career and in your overall life. Please let me know in the comments if if there are any specific topics you'd like me to address. Thanks, and I look forward to another great month!

—Alan Allard, Career Coach

Career Coach: The Magic of Appreciation

Each of us has a powerful magic within. This magic is called appreciation, and while we've all experienced the sensation, few of us understand just how powerful it can be. A natural gift that we can call on at any time, appreciation benefits us on so many levels.

Appreciation provides energy and alters perspective. Think about how different life appears when viewed through a lens of appreciation! When you consider blessings like friends and loved ones, life’s inconveniences don’t seem as significant. When a manager or co-worker offers a gesture of acknowledgement or thanks, an ordinary workday can take on a new excitement. When you’re on vacation, looking out from the top of a mountain over a magnificent view, problems seem to melt away.

Appreciation means cultivating feelings of admiration, approval, or gratitude. Appreciation also indicates an increase in value. Material possessions such as art, property, and collectibles are said to “appreciate” when their market value rises, and you can do the same with your experiences and your life. Each time you purposefully appreciate your friends, your loved ones, or even the kindness of strangers, the value you perceive in them grows. When you appreciate the wonderful bounty of your life, your own value increases—to yourself as well as others.

When applied with sincerity, appreciation rapidly brings about an attitude adjustment and perception shift. It gives a high-voltage boost to your whole system, releasing soothing yet invigorating hormones into your bloodstream that nourish every cell in your body. The result is an immediate improvement on every level—mental, physical, and emotional.

Try this exercise from Heart Math purposefully apply the magic of appreciation:

Pick a situation in your life that challenges you. Focus on the area surrounding your heart. Pretend your breath is flowing in and out through this zone in your chest. Next, try to feel appreciation for something good in your life—a special person, an exciting opportunity, the whole picture. Once you have a solid grip on that feeling of appreciation, redirect it toward the challenge you are facing. If you can, find three things about that difficult situation that you can appreciate. If you'r stumped, start with the fact that no matter what your problem is, it could have been worse. Once you can appreciate that, you can release some of the energy that has been locked up inside the problem.

Even a brief moment of conscious appreciation can bring about a more sensitive understanding of your situation (not to mention a literal change in your physiology!). That’s because appreciation connects you with your intuition. As you begin to apply appreciation more often, you will gain new insights. When you imagine your heart rhythms sending powerful healing commands to your brain and body, your mental faculties are ignited, your regenerative hormones are triggered, and your immune system even sees a boost.

Of all the positive emotions we can feel, appreciation is the fastest to act. As you practice appreciation, you come into dialogue with your heart—your fundamental source of power and intuition. Like magic, you step into your own authenticity.

Thank you for a wonderful month!

—Andrea Zintz, Career Coach