K.E. Garland's Blog, page 13
November 24, 2023
November 13, 2023
In Search of a Salve Healing Tour ’23 (Chicago Reading)
In October, I was fortunate to have three book readings: Chicago, Windsor-Ontario, and Atlanta. Each event really was totally different. And this post shows how in the zone I was…I didn’t even realize my sister had recorded the entire Chicago event on my phone! Here, I was in conversation with my friend, Dr. Duane B. Davis. In addition to other attendees, I was surrounded by friends I’d attended school with from first grade, seventh grade, and high school…the very people I’ve discussed in Part I of Salve. People are very interested in Mika, and if you’re one of those people, she’s there, too, at the end, asking a very poignant question. In Chicago, we discussed why I wanted to share this book with the world, identity (e.g., gifted, adopted), one of my daughter’s response to this book, breaking generational patterns with our own children, and more. If you have time and are interested, please view/listen below.
In Search of a Salve: Memoir of a Sex Addict
.00: Why did you share this story?3:00: You are a Black woman writing and sharing your story, what does that mean to you and your daughters, your lineage?6:03: How has the journey been in dealing with friends and preparing people to have these conversations?8:14: What was the original impetus without spoilers that got you to the point of thinking adoption was the first thing that was “wrong with you?”10:01: (References audiobook and references page 154): I believed what they did. Achievements are proof of wellness. Expand on the idea that you believed what your family did.12:41-1518: I read from the chapter Will, page 79.15:25-20:45: I read from page 83.22:20: Dr. Davis discusses the idea of being a functional addict and asks a question related to functional addiction.23:50: I’m curious about what this book means for people to see you; that’s different than sharing a story? Do we see Black women? Do we see Black women’s pain? Do we see how that stackable trauma you mentioned earlier impacts someone? I’m just curious about your reflection on a wider picture of Black women seeing Black women.27:27: Why did you choose to write a memoir, instead of a fictional piece?31:05: What memoirs have influenced you, and which would you recommend? 34:50: What would you like to reveal, without spoiling it for those who haven’t read, about the role of healing in this book and in your life?36:17: Question about Marnie Ferree, the CSAT who wrote a blurb for the book.41:09: First audience question from my niece about where to begin healing.43:53: Second audience question about identity and religion.46:32: Third audience question from Mika about intersectionality of the book, culture of silence in families, and living with your child and them not knowing you.In Search of a Salve Healing Tour ’23 (Chicago Reading)In Search of a Salve: Healing Tour ’23 (Atlanta Reading)Monday Notes: How to Release People and ExperiencesIn Search of a Salve: The Artist of M. ReviewMonday Notes: St. Clair Q&ANovember 10, 2023
In Search of a Salve: Healing Tour ’23 (Atlanta Reading)
In October, I was fortunate to have three book readings: Chicago, Windsor-Ontario, and Atlanta. Each event was totally different. Atlanta was unique because I was able to have a conversation with my millennial sister friends Yecheilyah Ysrayl of The PBS Blog and Bree Gordon, co-author of Black Coffee: From Empty to Overflowing with Peace, Healing, and Purpose in a relaxed and intimate setting. These women were interested in topics like, what is love or were Grandma Hunny’s actions really love? The other thing that happened in Atlanta, that hadn’t happened elsewhere is our conversation was recorded. If you have time and are interested, please view/listen below.
In Search of a Salve: Memoir of a Sex Addict .46: Why is the subtitle Memoir of a Sex Addict?5:05: Was sharing the story part of my healing journey?7:38: How important are woman-to-woman relationships?11:16: How did your relationship with Grandma Hunny play a role in being able to not speak up or use your voice?13:24: How are you changing that narrative with using your voice?15:05: How do you think your father’s relationships with women impacted your relationships with men?16:23: Describe your thought process behind this quote, “I learned my father’s love embodied abandonment.”19:20: How would you definte love now?22:44: How do you think the way Grandma Hunny loved you rubbed off on you?28:50: I read an excerpt about Trauma and trauma from the chapter called, “Will.”33:23: Can you talk a little bit about self-healing?39:53: How did your husband and children feel about you writing this book?In Search of a Salve: Healing Tour ’23 (Atlanta Reading)Monday Notes: How to Release People and ExperiencesIn Search of a Salve: The Artist of M. ReviewMonday Notes: St. Clair Q&AIn Search of a Salve: My Life in Our Father’s World ReviewNovember 3, 2023
October 30, 2023
Monday Notes: St. Clair Q&A
On October 24, 2023, I had the privilege of reading parts of In Search of a Salve and conversing with Dr. Andrea Dinardo and St. Clair College’s students, staff, and faculty. It was an amazing experience, one where the emotional connection was palpable. However, as with many readings, there was not enough time at the end for questions. Consequently, I promised the audience that I would answer here on the blog. Hopefully, the questions and answers can help a broader audience:
What is your advice to facing the fear of being vulnerable in front of others?
“Do it scared” is a quote that comes to mind. Once you determine that what you have to say is important, and I guarantee it is, then I suggest doing whatever you have to do to do it scared, even if that means taking baby steps toward your overall goal.
What legacy has your mother (adoptive) left behind or instilled in you? How are you honouring or keeping that legacy alive?
My adoptive mother was big on doing your best, no matter what the task; therefore, no matter what I do, I put my best foot forward, and I encourage those with whom I collaborate to do the same.
How do you forgive someone that you do not feel is sorry?
One strategy I’ve used is to create a specific type of meditation solely for forgiveness. I imagine myself sitting with the person and telling them whatever I thought was offensive. Then, I see them apologizing to me, saying actual detailed apologetic words. After that, we hug and make amends.
What advice would you have to offer someone in their mid-20s that you wish you knew at that age?
I would advise anyone in their 20s to think often about how to be their authentic self. What does it mean to be yourself, and how can you do that in small ways, until it’s a part of your everyday life?
How did you forgive yourself? You said that you stayed silent when you should’ve protested. How did you forgive yourself for letting your child self get hurt?
I thought deeply about my upbringing and how it shaped me. I realized that I (like a lot of us) was the product of my environment. I was reared in a way that didn’t value children expressing themselves emotionally. I know that wasn’t my fault, but rather, the way adults saw as appropriate for raising a girl in the 1970s-90s.
How were you moving forward knowing your dad was okay with starting a new life like nothing happened?
Knowing my father was able to begin a new life with a new family (twice) hurt me deeply, but I suppressed those emotions well into adulthood, which is what contributed to my addiction.
Do you believe being “ready” is a decision? When did you determine you were ready to forgive your father?
“Ready” is a decision. I knew I was ready after I had my rock bottom moment. I knew that forgiving my father was one of the things I absolutely had to do to heal.
View this post on InstagramA post shared by أنتوني Anthony Gabriel Jabbour (@anthonygjabbour)
How would you advise an addict with little understanding of where the root cause is from, and how to dig deep in order to figure it out and break free?
I would suggest thinking about what you already know about yourself. For example, I knew I was “sad” because my adoptive mother died, but I didn’t know how much that contributed to my overall condition. Begin with what you absolutely know to be true for yourself. Then, research and read books that can help you overcome that one thing. For example, Mother Hunger helped me understand how mother-daughter bonding can affect a child and the woman she becomes.
How do you care for someone who is an addict?
I’m not quite sure how to answer this question, other than to say begin with love and grace. Everyone can benefit from love and grace.
How to help someone who I think is experiencing sadness?
I would let that person know that you’ve noticed they are sad. A lot of times, we notice things about people we are in relationship with, but we never say anything. Start with verbalizing what you’ve noticed and then ask, “How can I help?”
Do you consider the opposite of addiction to be connection? How do you feel connection now?
The opposite of addiction, in my opinion, is unresolved trauma. Gabor Maté talks a lot about how unresolved childhood trauma can lead to addiction. So, I’d suggest anyone with unresolved childhood trauma to seek therapy for that.
I’ve never not felt connection. Instead, I was connected to many people in unhealthy ways. Today, I know how to enact boundaries, have healthy conversations, and walk away from relationships that no longer serve me.
What are your thoughts on Canada set to legalize doctor assisted euthanasia for drug addicts in March 2024?
I hadn’t heard about this, but it sounds awful. I don’t feel I’m qualified to answer this question, but here’s an article that explains it, in case people in another part of the world are unfamiliar: Canada will Legalize Medically Assisted Dying for Eligible People Addicted to Drugs.
Forgiveness for being right and you’re treated wrong (without going into a victim) How to heal (e.g., their actions caused a reaction)?
Viewing a situation as someone being treated “wrong” or another person being “right” is a bit binary. The only way I was able to forgive anyone in my life is to think of them as a human being who has a background that causes them to interact in specific ways; that way, there is little blame. Also, you can forgive someone without remaining in relationship with the person (if that’s the desire).
Have you ever thought your life could be different?
Absolutely. That’s why I’m able to do the things I do today 
October 27, 2023
October 23, 2023
Monday Notes: I Let Go
I let go of relationships of convenience, where people put you on hold, until you fit into their lives.
I let go of relationships which lack symbiosis, where I visit, and they make excuses for passing my home en route to see someone else.
I let go of relationships where I am not a priority, where careers and other people constantly come first.
I let go of relationships bound to outdated traditions, ones where innovative ways to interact are dismissed.
And when I let go, I allow for experiences aligned with who I am today.
I open space for new relationships to develop. Relationships where I have authentic discussions with friends about overall wellness—mental and physical.
I recognize friends who have been consistently present, those who communicate in multiple ways during varied times and those who’ve settled in for a lifetime of connection.
I embrace my sister, someone I’ve known for four years, but someone with whom interacting is as natural as breathing. An international trip solidified what I’ve always suspected; relationships are not hard.
I notice old friends reentering, reengaging, and recalibrating at just the right moment. Either I need them, or they need me right now.
I accept my cousin’s invitation to commune with her and her family post-Christmas in a different city and state. Her suggestion is timely.
When I let go, I allow myself to expand in newness.
And when I expand in newness, I’m no longer stagnant, resentful, or bitter. Instead, I am growing and evolving in self-awareness and self-love. In this state, I can begin accepting current circumstances, accepting that all relationships don’t last forever, not even if you wish upon a star and meditate on them during the new moon. Some connections are seasonal, and that’s okay.
Peace to everyone letting go of something this fall.
Monday Notes: I Let GoIn Search of a Salve: Crystal Byers’ ReviewMonday Notes: The Audiobook is Live!Writer’s Workshop: How I Planned a Book TourIn Search of a Salve: ARC Review (Yecheilyah’s Book Reviews)October 20, 2023
October 16, 2023
Monday Notes: The Audiobook is Live!
Of course, I have a story to go along with this announcement, but I don’t have the time or bandwidth, because I’m still out and about touring and dropping off books, so I’ll explain the process, ups, downs, and all of the things later. But if you’re interested in listening to your books, instead of reading them with your eyes, then please click here and order your copy of In Search of a Salve. I narrated it myself, and it really is one of the products I’m most proud of.
October 11, 2023
Writer’s Workshop: How I Planned a Book Tour
I knew I wanted to launch In Search of a Salve differently. I knew every part of introducing the book to the world had to stand apart from other projects because this book is special.
In the past, I’ve participated in and planned book readings for other publications and my own, so I knew readings and signings were possible, but still, this one had to stand out. The first thought I had was to begin where I was born and raised.
So, I wrote myself a note: Can Duane set up something in Chicago at a college or university? Duane is a high school friend and English ed colleague, with strong ties to the city and higher ed, so I knew the possibility was high.
But guess what happened? Before I had the opportunity to text him, Duane reached out and said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I told a friend of mine about your book, and he was fascinated. He owns a bookstore and says you can have an event there.”
Y’all. A man I don’t know agreed to have me do an event that I didn’t verbally ask for for a book he’s never read. Let that sink in. I’ll be in Chicago on tonight (the day this is posting) in conversation with Dr. Duane B. Davis talking about how (Black) families deal with mental health.
Okay, so then I got hype! And my brain started calculating all of the places I could be. I thought it would be cool to have a 5-city book tour that mirrored the places in the book: Chicago, Kalamazoo, Detroit, Atlanta, and Jacksonville.
But alas, this was too much. The rejection I received from Michigan colleges and bookstores was just as astounding as the unexpected acceptance I received for the Chicago one. So, after two months of emailing, calling, and begging, I decided it wasn’t meant for me to be in Kalamazoo or Detroit this year.
Next, a Canadian blogger half-joked that if I was ever that way, to let her know. That got my brain synapses tingling again. I’m cool with someone in Canada. Her name is Dr. Dinardo, and I met her right here on WordPress. We recorded Mental Health Matters together and her college is familiar with me because of the video.
I reached out to Dr. D. She contacted her college’s student resource center, and the rest is book tour history. I’ll be there on October 24th having a real-life mental health matters conversation about behavioral addictions with her and St. Clair College’s students.
Finally, I know a few people in Atlanta, and I thought it would be cool to have a reading there. Again, there was some work involved. I emailed and called, and eventually received a warm welcome from Rebecca at Tall Tales Book Shop. Yecheilyah, a blogger I’ve become close with, and another friend, Bree, will serve as moderators. I’ll be there on October 27th.
There it is. That’s how I planned a 3-city book tour to launch In Search of a Salve. Like the other parts of this project, I was thoughtful about how and where I wanted to go. The final product wasn’t exactly what I planned, but it is close. And that’s fine. In law of attraction language, this is an example of how to release the outcome. I envisioned a tour that mirrored my life’s experiences, but I manifested the book events I’m supposed to have right now.
If you’re near any of these places, come check me out. I’m calling it a Healing Tour, so be prepared to either dig deep, or listen to the moderators and me dig deep
PostScript: I don’t want to minimize relationships here. I’ve spent time establishing relationships for relationship sake. The people who are moderating are genuinely friends of mine, who trust me, which is how I was able to plan this before anyone read a physical copy of the book.
Writer’s Workshop: How I Planned a Book TourIn Search of a Salve: ARC Review (Yecheilyah’s Book Reviews)Monday Notes: 4 Ways To Gather Yourself Before Reading In Search of a SalveMonday Notes: 3 Rules I’ve Followed for Sustainable BloggingMonday Notes: It Wasn’t All Bad
