Barbara Schmidt's Blog, page 20

5 Things to Remember When Going Through a Difficult Time

Hi my dear friends,

It is another incredibly difficult week in America. I had planned to discuss maneuvering through difficulty long before the events of this week occurred, as I had experienced my own personal difficulty not long ago and was planning to share how I coped with it.

While I will share my five reminders in difficulty, I just need to take a moment at the get-go, to share my deepest heartbreak, outrage, and despair over the recent murder of George Floyd. I know you may be saying to yourself as you read this, that you don’t come to this page to read about current events, but to me, these racial injustices go deeper and require light shined on them, so that we can do better and we can heal. So thank you for holding space for this to be addressed in the blog today.

A few weeks ago I was going through a deeply upsetting and traumatizing personal matter. I had made big mistakes, I was uncertain how things were going to unfold, and I was incredibly scared and anxious about all of it. All things considered, life had been going pretty good for me, so when this situation happened, it felt like insane whiplash, an emotional rollercoaster. Naturally, I learned so much during those difficult moments. I gained insight and have new perspective.

I know many of you are experiencing difficulty right now, whether stemming from the pandemic, economic hardship, personal struggle, or the racial injustices that are taking place. It is my wish to share some of my own personal takeaways with the intention of providing a small sense of relief, a glimmer of hope, and an opportunity for optimism, even in darkness:

1. Remember, this, too, shall pass. Years ago, when I was going through a nasty breakup, my mom gave me a bracelet with these words inscribed on it. I wore it every day as a reminder to keep going. I share this as as a reminder not for you to bypass whatever it is you are feeling right now in this moment, but to remember that no feeling is ever permanent or final. Life is fluid, ever changing, and our happy and light feelings are as fleeting as the dark ones. Difficult moments do not define you, so if you’re stuck in a particularly dense fog of difficult emotion, hold tightly to the notion that it will pass eventually.

2. Life is not meant to be lived perfectly. I was really hung up on the fact that I had made a big mistake, and that some how had made me bad and wrong. It was my inner perfectionist coming out. Some of us hold the notion that we should always know better than to make errors. I’m that way, at least. But it’s this kind of thinking that will throw us off kilter, every single time we go astray. And as human beings, we will be wrong and we will mess up. It’s useless to beat ourselves up for the mistakes we make. Learn from your wrongdoings, alter your actions, see where you can do better, and if appropriate make amends. This is what trials are meant to for us, show us how we can be better, not perfect.

3. Sometimes difficulty comes when we are living out of alignment. In my case, I was making choices that weren’t aligned with my values and with my intuition. I got gut hits to do differently, and I ignored it. Sometimes we have to have the big lessons shoved right in our faces to see that we’ve been acting out of alignment and out of character. It’s painful, but it sure is effective. Start to notice if the trouble you’re experiencing is due to being misaligned. You know your values and where your heart lies, pivot back to actions that feel right in your soul.

4. Forgiveness is incomplete if it does not include yourself. We all know that forgiveness sets us free, releases us from the binds of old hurts, and allows us to move forward in life. It’s often easier for us to forgive others than it is to forgive ourselves, for whatever reason. You constantly beating yourself up for mistakes or errors in judgment won’t erase what happened, it will just make you feel worse in the present moment. Clear your conscience of guilt and remorse and replace it with resolve and commitment to being better. I promise you’ll feel better, stronger, and more empowered for it.

5. Asking for support is not a sign of weakness. I tend to be a pretty reserved person about my own hardship, I guess that’s the Scorpio in me. My default is to try to figure everything out in my own mind in my own time and not bother others with my problems. Sometimes, that works. But know that in these difficult and unprecedented times, we must lean on each other, and feel comfortable reaching out and asking for support. Feeling held by my loved ones was no doubt, the biggest silver lining of my own tough time. If you don’t feel like you have safe spaces, please reach out here and know that we are here for you.

I hope this provides some comfort and tangible steps to alleviating the personal pain you may feel in this wild life. Please know that I am here for you, and that there are good times ahead.

xo, Michelle

The post 5 Things to Remember When Going Through a Difficult Time appeared first on Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.

Managing Negative Thoughts

Hello my dear friends,

You can have thousands of thoughts in your mind each day. Do they reflect you, your innermost self, your core being? Do they make you feel agitated or compassionate? Do they inspire competition or compassion? If there’s one concept that I’ve really grown to believe in, and have noticed in action, it is that you are what you think.

Your thoughts are undeniably powerful. From my own personal vantage, I have noticed an enormous shift in my life (for the better) simply based on how I think. Only we know what it’s like to live in our own heads, is it a pretty place to hang out for a lifetime? If your answer is no, don’t worry! At one time or another, we have all come from a place where we feel like our thoughts truly are uncontrollable and negative.

I’m here today to tell you how much things change when you have that simple shift in your thoughts from negative to positive. A positive and a negative thought can not exist in the mind at the same time. While I’m not saying that you have to float through life like a Pollyanna thinking that everything is hunky dory at all moments in time, I am encouraging you to shift your viewpoint. If all of this sounds utterly fantastic to you, check out these tips below on why your thoughts matter, and what you can do to create this shift in thinking.

1. Be aware. The first step to fixing any problem is awareness. Simply notice what is going on, so you can pinpoint it, and know what you want to change. Many of us feel like our brains are these endless chatterboxes with no pause, mute, or off switch. Our lives don’t have to be lived this way. Start to be mindful of your thoughts on a daily basis. If something negative comes up, notice it, maybe ponder it, and then let it go. Think of this as taking inventory of your thoughts, so you can really get a grasp of what goes on in that head of yours on a daily basis.

2. Use tools to stop the negative chatter. Once you know what really goes on in your mind, you can cultivate the tools necessary to settle it down a bit. Repeat a mantra or affirmation, focus on your breath, or go for a walk. These are all things you can incorporate to bring your mind back to the now, and out of a negative spin.

3. Don’t get down on yourself. Sometimes on a spiritual path we think we have to obtain perfection in order for it to “work.” We think if we mess up, we’re ruined and we have to start over. Nonsense! Replace those rigid thoughts with the positive; don’t beat yourself up, ever.

4. Try viewing things differently. In any situation that really bums you out or brings up a strong emotion, take a step back and say to yourself how can I see this differently? With the awareness and intent to see the other side you can immediately calm your mind and ease your emotions.

5. Journal and reflect. One great way to get some negative or pestering thoughts out is to journal. Set aside time in the morning or at night to be one pointed and let the words flow onto paper. Don’t try to over think what you should write, let the words come naturally.

6. Become inspired. Be around people who lift you up, not drag you down. Surround yourself with positive people who will help you see the importance of mindfulness and help keep you on your own path to being the happiest, most positive you yet.

What works for you when trying to calm the mind and be more positive? Do these tips sound helpful? Let me know!

Wishing you a beautiful week ahead.

xo, Michelle

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8 Tips for Managing Anxiety

Hello my dear friends,

In this week’s blog, I hope to help you to feel less alone and realize that whatever you’re feeling during this time is completely normal. I’ll share some tools to help you cultivate a sense of mental resilience and strength from within, so you feel like you can manage anything that happens externally.

First, I believe that it’s incredibly important that we all let ourselves off the hook of getting through this pandemic perfectly. Perfect doesn’t exist in regular life, and it certainly does not exist in the messy world of coronavirus. Let yourself off the hook right now. You do not have to have it all together, but be happy, whole, and safe.

There is no right way to maneuver through a global pandemic that none of us have ever experienced. We are all going through these motions and circumstances through our very unique lenses. Release the need to compare yourself to someone else, and don’t feel like you have to be overly productive or perfect.

None of that exists and none of that matters. Remember, a global pandemic is a universal trauma, so our minds, bodies, and spirits are in a constant fight or flight mode. We are in a trauma response, so I want to remind everyone of this. This is a big deal! 

Today, I will walk you through practices that will bring you into the present moment, and how we can start to find peace, power, and a sense of control, even when life feels so chaotic and uncertain on the outside.

1. Have an aligned routine in place. I believe routine and aligned structure help to relieve anxiety. Choosing how we want to structure our day and our lives allows us a feeling of control. So ask yourself, “What are some practices of ‘normal’ life that make you feel good? Getting dressed? Making coffee? Going for a walk?” Do these things, even if they aren’t necessary or essential.

2. Create a peaceful space/environment. This might be a tough one, but if you’re working from home, try to set aside a dedicated space for your work. Make it feel professional, like you would in your regular office. Decluttering can greatly reduce your sense of anxiety. 

3. Establish a self-care routine. Begin to cultivate habits that help you feel good, feel better, and feel more sane. Studies have shown that practicing mindfulness for at least 1-percent of your day can drastically change the other 99-percent. Notice where you can weave in small moment of mindfulness, of being fully present, of consciously breathing, of centering with yourself.

4. Becoming aware of what your mind is saying to you. Start to get really familiar with your mind, its patterns, and the thoughts you repeatedly think. You can ask yourself:

What am I thinking moment to moment?
What am I saying to myself on a daily basis?
Am I quick to react in a situation, or do I pause to skillfully respond?

5. Name your feelings when you’re feeling anxious. Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor says that it takes us 90 seconds for a feeling to fully move through your body and mind. How long it stays with you after that, is up to you, and how you choose to engage with it. It’s important to be cognizant and aware of feelings that arise, and trust that with all things, all feelings will pass and are never final.

6. Check in with yourself regularly. Often times we do a great job at checking in on our loved ones, but seldom do we turn inward to check in with ourselves. Start a dialogue with yourself where you ask yourself important questions about your feelings, mental state, and mood. Think of this as creating a barometer for yourself. With this data, you can pivot and adjust accordingly to help yourself in any given day.

7. Know your trusted inner circle. It’s a huge sigh of relief when you clearly know the people that you can wholeheartedly rely on and trust (and remember that this is usually maybe one or two people). I often find that when I share too much vulnerable information with too many people who aren’t necessarily trustworthy, my anxiety spikes. Know and honor the trustworthy ones, and lean on them when you need additional support.

8. Remember you are not alone. While isolation and separation can make us feel alone, know that no matter the distance, we are all connected. Our journeys may look different and feel different, but find comfort in knowing that each of us are here on this earth at this time for a reason and for a purpose, and you’re never alone.

Sending all my love to you as we venture into this new week!

xo, Michelle

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My Practice for Not Taking Things Personally

Hello my friends! Happy Sunday!

I was so wonderful to get so much feedback from you all about last week’s topic on not taking things personally. It’s oddly comforting, especially during these times, to know that we all experience similar life events, even when our lives’ paths are so unique and different.

I wanted to do a follow up this week, as I had so many people resonating with the concept of not taking things personally, but struggling with putting it into practice in their lives.

Not taking things personally is a practice, and I believe that it’s a practice that we work on throughout life. Even though this is something that I have been working on for a handful of years, I still struggle with it at times, hence me writing about it last week!

The truth of the matter is, personal growth and development is a journey, not a quick fix, and not taking things personally is certainly a part of that journey. So just know that like everything else, this practice will have its ups and downs, but hold steady in knowing that it is worth the time, effort, and energy.

And I will admit that not taking things personally is definitely an easier said than done sort of deal, but I am here for you to help you, and hopefully walk you through some steps you can take to start to help you find this relief in your relationships with others and with yourself.

1. Cultivate awareness. I believe awareness is always the most important step towards any sort of growth or change; however, in this practice it’s the most paramount. Without awareness, our minds will always go into the habitual practice of taking the actions of others, personally. It’s just how it will work. But, in recognizing that we would like to change this behavior, and reminding ourselves regularly of this intention, we can start to make that positive shift, and ultimately begin to break that habit.

2. Remember that we are all living life through our own unique filter. This one was a big one for me in my own journey. So often I would assume that other people were seeing situations or experiences exactly as I was, which, of course, is never the case! We are all unique! With different paths, beliefs, views, and experiences. It’s likely that we will never see a situation or circumstance 100% the same as someone else, so just remember this when starting to take someone else’s opinions, actions, or views personally.

3. Strengthen your discernment muscle. It is so beneficial to our own mental health and to our relationships to be able to discern what situations require action and attention and which ones simply do not. I’d like to think of this step as a “pick your battles” suggestion, because as human beings, we could take everything personally and go to battle about every single one of those things. And we would be fighting about it all until the end of time. This is a step in learning about yourself, what matters to you, and what you wish to go to bat for. So start to take notice of what things you can let go, and what things you need to stand up for.

4. Speak your truth when necessary. From our own discernment, we can determine if a situation requires further action. Grounded in your own sense of self and confidence, you can speak up and speak out if a circumstance truly requires a conversation. Know that just because you’re not taking something personally, you can still speak up about something if it doesn’t feel aligned or appropriate for you.

5. Forgive, release, move forward. Usually when I’ve taken something too much to heart I hold a feeling of resentment or anger towards that person. It’s important to recognize this so that you can forgive and release those attachments to a situation that never had anything to do with you in the first place.

I hope these simple steps are helpful for you in your journey to not taking the actions of others personally!

Wishing you beautiful rest of your week.

Xo, Michelle

 

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My Number One Tip for Relationships in Quarantine

Hello my friends, I’m so happy to be back here with you all today!

We are entering the eighth week of isolation practices here in the US. Before we get into the depth of my big tip for relationships during quarantine, I just want to say how grateful I am for all of you and for this community. I’m forever thankful for the love and support that we all can share during these very complicated, unprecedented, and unpredictable times.

The tests that life has for us can truly show us what matters, and I want to express my gratitude for you, as a part of this beautiful community, for showing up,  and opening your hearts every single week. Now, for why you’re actually here. You want to know my number one tip for relationships during quarantine, (and always, actually) so let’s get to it.

I’ve talked to many people in my life this week who are struggling with their relationships lately, and when you think about it, it makes total sense. This is a completely insane time for relationships. The social aspect of friendship has been completely removed.

The separation from the physical bond of families leaves us feeling even more alone. Single people of the world feel like dating has turned into a bizarre online free fall, and parents have been working double-time as teachers for their children. All of the typical dynamics of relationships, like everything else, have been turned upside down, and we are all managing this differently.

Personally, I experienced this when I felt a family member acting a little distant towards me. I couldn’t figure out why. My first instinct was to assume I had done something wrong.

I pursed through my brain for almost a whole day wondering what it could have been. Was I not being supportive enough? Had I not checked in enough? Did I say something wrong?

I wrote a lot of stories and felt really terrible over the thought that there was something off in my relationship. It turned out that there was nothing really wrong, I was just taking all of these “off” behaviors personally. I was making it about me, rather than realizing that this family member of mine was coping with this new reality in a different way than I might have expected.

So this is my biggest tip for relationships: Don’t take the actions or behaviors of other people, personally. Just don’t. Their behaviors have nothing to do with you. The way they think has nothing to do with you.

Their coping mechanisms have nothing to do with you. Shift your thoughts to the belief that if there’s something wrong,  release the need to make it personal.  Making it personal, will only bring you more personal suffering, and it doesn’t help you become a more supportive person, or help you understand what could actually be happening, in any relationship that you’re struggling with right now.

I learned this truth years ago from one of my all time favorite books, The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. He says not to take anything personally, because nothing anyone ever does is because of you, it’s because of their perception of a situation.

It is especially important during this time, to remember that there are so many dynamics, so many odd circumstances, so many plot-twists, and so many curve balls at play.

Life is not the same as it was eight weeks ago, and truthfully, life will never be the same again. We are grieving what was, and we all grieve differently.

The sudden upheaval of life, the tremendous loss and suffering is a global trauma. We all manage and process trauma differently.

The existential uncertainties and anxieties that make us wonder about our place in this world, and how we can find a way to survive in it, lead us to struggle to understand why this is all happening, and what will our lives look like in this “new normal.” We are doing the best we can and we are coping in our own way.  I say all of this, not to sound dark and dramatic, but just to simply highlight this Truth, that no two people will react and process this time, in the same way, and this is totally okay. It is in knowing this, that we can choose how we want to respond, act, and participate with others.

The second we can remember not to take another person’s actions personally is the moment we can find relief and peace. If you find that this is something you struggle with, I hope you can start to weave this truth into your life, and watch how you can let yourself off the hook for the things that you were never able to control in the first place.

When we finally release the habit of taking it all so personally, we can have more time for ourselves, for the positive things we want to focus on, and the aligned actions we can take to strengthen our relationships in a healthy, happy way.

Know and remember that no matter what, you are worthy of love, you are deserving of love, and you are always enough, regardless of the actions that other people take.

Stay safe. Be healthy and well. I love you.

Michelle

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7 Affirmations for Difficult Times.

Hello my dear friends!

I hope this week has brought you some unexpected smiles and some slivers of joy even during this hardship.

It can feel really challenging when we are continuously bogged down in the “negative” to find those glimmers of hope and positivity. We never know what life will throw our way, and in these times, it feels like life is really throwing us a lot of difficulty to handle.

I really love to provide practical tools that can actually help you feel better. I would love for you to feel at least 1% better this week. And knowing that I cannot control anything that happens externally in this world, I know that we can start to feel those tiny percentages uptick when we go deeper within.

I’m not going to lie to you (I never do!), and so I’ll admit that my mind has been completely all over the place these past few weeks. It’s been dark and negative and very doom and gloom. And it’s interesting to witness those thoughts, because what I know to be certain is that like attracts like, and these dark and scary thoughts multiply if gone unchecked.

As we know, the thoughts that we repeatedly tell ourselves shape our reality. We, ourselves, can influence how we view the world, how we react to the world, how we show up in the world, we just have to create the space to allow ourselves to choose thoughts that are in alignment with our highest ideals.

As you might know, one of my favorite practices to bring my mind back to equilibrium is to repeat positive affirmations. I have honestly and truly been relying heavily on my affirmations to propel me through the difficult moments. Though the repitions don’t necessarily change a situation or circumstance, they do ultimately change how I view things. They shift my mood. They attract the similar positive thoughts that can get me into a happier, more productive place. And these days, feeling a little more upbeat and motivated is good enough for me.

I’ve written up a few of the affirmations that have been serving me well these weeks, you can find them below, but I encourage you to come up with ones that really resonate with you. When you speak them to yourself, I hope you can believe them, and feel them in your soul, and even if they don’t ring 100% true for you in this moment, allow them to serve as a guide point, a goal, or something to look forward to, knowing that this repetitive practice will bring that ultimate result.

I love my resiliency and my adaptability (This one is one of those “goal” affirmations. I feel it about 50% and the repetition allows me to act as if!)

I am strong, confident, and capable

I take everything one moment at a time

I am loved, supported, and cared for always (I love to repeat this one in moments where I feel a lack in all of those things, because even if I feel unloved and abandoned, reminding myself that above all else, I am here for me always, gives me that comfort and relief).

I am doing my best, and my best is always enough

What is meant for me will not pass me

I am at peace, I trust the timing of my life

If you feel called, I’d love to hear what affirmations you’re using to bring some happiness and positivity into your lives in these days. Share your inspiration in the comments below.

xo, Michelle

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The Self-Care Practice You Need During a Pandemic

Hello my sweet friends,

I know these weeks have been dark, heavy, and incredibly stressful. I know that there is a lot going on, and that there are so many factors at play that can take a deep toll on our mental health, and our stability.

I know that many of us have been pushed to our breaking points, and have felt like it’s hard to hold on. I’ve been there, this week, felt like it was almost going to break me. The mental anguish, the uncertainty, the suffering really chipped away at my ability to cope. So if you felt that way too, I’m right there with you.

The really tricky thing about dark times and difficult moments is that they tend to magnetize and multiply. It can be hard to grasp positive thoughts when the negative, dark ones feel so easy to cling to.

What I find to be incredibly necessary during these times (and in life in general) is that we must remember to make space to always look for joy. Seeking out joy is a self-care practice, and it’s one that we must rely on heavily during these times.

We must cultivate the awareness to remember to keep something beautiful in our minds and in our hearts, especially during difficult times. We must prioritize and create space for the simple pleasures, the happy moments, and the authentic joys that keep our spirits high and our hearts filled with hope.

While I know that it might feel trite or cliche to encourage you all to find silver linings and happy moments in times of turbulence, I want to remind you that this is an act of self-preservation. Joy is a producer of hope, and hope is the motivator that helps us move from one difficult moment to the next. Hope propels us and keeps us moving forward, even when it may feel impossible to do so.

These days, I find joy in the simplest of things, but know that no matter how simple, whatever joy that can be found is powerful. Joy can take different forms and can manifest in different ways, but I ask you to remember to honor the things that bring you joy, and make a conscientious effort to keep those things in your life.

Because we need you, all of you, and our lives our too precious to be lived in the absence of joy and hope.

If you feel called, I’d love to hear what brings you joy in these moments. I’ll share mine too.

xo,

Michelle

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Finding Stability in an Uncertain World

Hello again, my friends.

We’ve made it through another week, and I am so grateful that you all are here.

These times are so odd, and uncomfortable, and uncertain, but what gives me great relief is knowing that we can all “gather” here on Sundays and be together in this way. So thank you for that comfort!

I know that we are living in very unusual and scary times. We all feel this deeply, and it’s a lot to take in day after day.

One of the biggest sources of anxiety that I’ve experienced, and that many have been messaging me about is the uncertainty of it all. When will we flatten the curve? When can businesses reopen? When will the economy get back on track? When will things go back to “normal”?

There are so many questions, and unfortunately because of how life is, we don’t have those answers.

We just don’t know. And as scary as that might feel, it’s also okay not to know.

The truth of the matter is, we never know. We can never be sure what the future looks like: whether it’s one day, one month, or one year into the future. We cannot control the unfolding of life, but as we know, we can practice to manage our reactions to it.

There are two pieces here that have brought me relief in knowing this truth.

The first one is being able to release the need to control everything and recognizing that I cannot control anything. That release creates the space in my life to understand what I can do, rather than what I can’t. Often times we get so caught up in a control whirlwind, that when we finally settle down, we can see the next aligned actions that can be taken to bring a sense of peace.

The second is after the release of the need to control, I find a sense of security and peace in cultivating, nurturing, and nourishing the strong foundation that lives within me. For me, feeling stable and balanced internally, allows me to weather the storms that go on externally. And this, of course, is a practice. The knowing that my foundation keeps me grounded, allows me to continue to make it a priority in my life, even when everything else feels upside down. So, I continue to set aside the time to participate in the practices that allow me to continue to feel whole, even when everything else feels fractured.

I know that it is said that we are all in this together, and it’s comforting to know that we are. The varying degrees to which this pandemic effects our personal lives, should be noted. I understand that we all are managing very different and unique circumstances, so I urge you to remember that this is not a one-size-fits-all approach.

Find what works for you, and release the need for your self-care and your personal stability to look like anyone else’s. Honor that piece of you within that feels strong, against all odds, and keep cultivating it and building that muscle.

Sending love and good wishes your way.

xo,

Michelle

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How I Manage My Relationship with Grief

Hi my sweet friends,

I hope you are faring and feeling well this week. I wanted to talk about grief this week, and how we can work our way through it. Let’s face it, we are all grieving right now. What we are grieving and to what degree varies, but life is different now than it was just a few weeks ago, and there is a mourning that comes along with that.

I wrote a blog exactly one year ago (I love the serendipity of that) on how I process and manage my own relationship with grief. It’s one of my favorite blogs that I’ve written because it’s very personal. Losing my dad 13 years ago gave me my own crash course in grief, and I’m very intimate with how grief shows up in my life.

What I know to be true, is that life will always be unpredictable, no matter how “prepared” we are. Change can strike at any moment. Tragedy. Uncertainty. Loss. We know this all too well with our current situation.

I’m re-upping my blog from last year, with the hope that it will help you on your own journey through grief, and to serve as a reminder that none of us are perfect at mourning what is no longer. It can be messy, it can be hard, and our healing doesn’t have to be linear. We can process and feel in our own way and in our own time.

Be gentle with yourself, be loving to yourself, allow your feelings to move through you, and remember that you are loved.

Stay home. Be safe. Be healthy. I love you.

Michelle

 

Easter is a holiday that brings up a lot of emotion for me. I was raised in the Greek Orthodox faith, and even though my Easter won’t be celebrated until next weekend, I felt called to share the feelings of grief that always come through for me at this time of year.

I spent a lot of my growing up years at church with my dad. He was very passionate about religion and faith, so much so that he wanted to be a priest at one point in his life. I would attend every single service possible with him. It was what we did together, and in the Orthodox church services, you are in church for many, many, many hours. And I really, really, really liked it, oddly enough.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while you may remember that my dad passed away unexpectedly almost 12 years ago. I cry writing this sentence for you, because even though 12 years feels like a long time, it also feels like no time at all. His death was and still is the most challenging life event I have had to maneuver through so far.

I vividly remember a few months after my dad passed away, I was still very immersed in my mourning. I was a hot mess, actually. I felt like I just could not get it together, and absolutely everything made me emotional. I remember being embarrassed by my inability to shake it off, and my friend, in her attempts to comfort me, let me off the hook by declaring that I was allowed to take one whole year to be a mess about it all. I took it to heart, and felt a sense of relief that there was this unspoken rule that everyone who experiences grief, gets a year to get over it.

As the year mark approached I remember still not feeling very complete with my grief, and feeling a sense of dread that the moment was going to arrive, and I wasn’t going to be ready, that I needed more time. When the year mark arrived, surprise, surprise I wasn’t over it. And I felt like something was wrong with me.

I didn’t want to be that “messy person” who couldn’t get over things, so, in my young mind, I felt like I had to turn off my feelings, because I was given my “get out of grieving free card”, and now I had to be normal again. I tried really, really hard to push away my grief, and it oftentimes came out sideways. It showed up as anger, denial, and in me pretending that nothing had even happened at all.

In the 12 years since entering the grief club (I guess it’s a club, I’m not sure what else to call it, but I’m open to suggestions!), I’ve learned that grief never goes away, not completely anyway. It is my experience that once the threshold is crossed, it’s something that stays with you forever. It’s almost as if you become a time traveler or that you straddle two realities or two worlds; the one before and the one after, and you’ll tick tock between the two, probably forever.

Memories will flash into your mind unexpectedly that will completely take you out. You’ll feel overwhelmed with what was, and what is no longer. Sometimes your brain won’t be able to comprehend it all. You’ll come across things that can remind you of the person that only you notice, and you’ll really wish that you could tell that person all about it, but you can’t. It’s a perpetual itch that you can never really scratch.

You’ll feel like, if you allowed yourself to, you could cry every single day thinking about it, but you probably won’t let yourself. You should though. You’ll wonder what things would be like if it reality was different. You’ll also mourn all the memories and moments that you thought you’d have, that you never will. You’ll get triggered a lot, and it will make you feel like you’re weak, but I promise you it will make you stronger.

And even though all these things feel incredibly painful, there’s a silver lining because I believe there’s always a silver lining. We all know that with every ending comes a new beginning, and with grief being that forever friend, we are ushered into a new relationship with what has been lost. Just like any other relationship, it has its highs and lows.

Like I said before, grief is forever, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing because the things that we feel surrounding grief are the reminders of someone or something that meant a tremendous amount to us. It’s the reminder that love was present, and that even if it’s no longer in its original form, that love still exists.

I’ve noticed that when I embrace my grief, and the feelings that come with it, I feel closer to what I lost. I will always feel a tinge of sadness when I hear an Alanis Morissette song on the radio, or eat Greek food, because it will always remind me of my dad, but I can usher that sadness into gratitude knowing that in those moments, I’m getting a little wink from him that he’s still around, although in a different form.

Grief is the the most humanizing process, it reminds you that we can lose, but that we also can heal. It’s unifying in that, at one point or another in this life we will become members of this club, and that’s weirdly comforting, isn’t it? It’s personal in that we will all maneuver through it differently, and we should always allow ourselves to create our own relationship with it. We all have to work through the trauma and feelings that come with it, and it’s necessary to allow yourself the time and the space to do so.

Judging yourself or putting yourself on a timeline won’t help you get through grief, it actually just makes things worse. Pushing your feelings down will turn you into someone that ultimately, you won’t be able to recognize. Shutting off from the new reality will keep you in a perpetual state of loss. The magic or the key to cultivating a healthy relationship with grief is remembering that you are responsible for the relationship you have with it, and honing the awareness to care for yourself and that relationship.

I know I’ve used a lot of metaphors for grief today, and I’ll give you one more as my parting thought. Think of grief as the ocean, with waves. Some waves are big, and can feel like they’ll take you out. Remember to keep your head above water, and do your best to keep breathing through it. Some waves come with storms that will require preparation and help, remember it’s always safe and appropriate to ask for help. Some waves are small that you’ll feel for a brief moment and it will pass. Some waves are fun and joyful, relish in them.

And of course you’ll have moments when it’s a clear blue sky with not a ripple in the sea. If we can learn to ride these waves, whenever and however they appear, grief will no longer feel like a burden, but a strength because it means that ultimately, we’ve learned how to weather it.

 

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Working Through Our Disappointments

Hello my sweet friends. We made it through another week, and I’m so happy to find you all here with us on this Sunday.

How is everyone doing? How are we feeling?

I know for me personally, I’ve felt a wide range of emotions during our second full week of social distancing/staying at home. The first week felt a bit like a dream, was it even real? What was really going on? We were all adjusting to a new normal. This week I felt a stark dose of reality. I watched lives change instantaneously. Dreams shattered. Plans cancelled. Opportunities lost. And all of us, doing our best to pivot based on completely unprecedented circumstances.

It’s all a bit much to take in, or even comprehend any of it. What I do know, is that each and every one of us are reeling, to various degrees, from a feeling of disappointment and loss. No one comes out of this kind of circumstance unscathed, which as weird as this might be to say, presents us with a form of solidarity knowing that we are all in this together.

Disappointment, under normal circumstances, is uncomfortable but manageable. In these very trying times, it can feel like an added burden, that makes you feel completely lost and inconsolable.

I have good news and bad news, in regards to feeling disappointed.

I’ll give you the bad news first, I can’t teach you a trick to turn back time, or make our circumstances desirable again. If I could do anything to undo the pain and hurt we are all feeling, I would do it in a heartbeat. But we all know that’s just not how life works.

The good news is that every seemingly closed door presents some sort of new opportunity and possibility such as new potential outcome or an expansion of what is really possible. Even if this is really hard to swallow while the pain is still raw, time of course will help us to heal and see that life will give us something to look forward to again.

I always want to give you tangible tools to help you move through difficulties. This week, I have two actionable steps: grieve and dream again.

In this time of deep hardship and sadness, remember to allow yourself the time and space to grieve what is happening for you in the moment, what could have been, and the feelings of lost opportunities for what might have been. Give yourself permission, and take the time to feel the deep sadness for the lives that have been lost. Your goals and dreams and visions for your life deserve to be honored, even if they don’t unfold as we would have liked for them to. Often times old pains flare up unexpectedly when we don’t truly take the time to process, grieve, and hold space for what was.

Subsequently, it’s important to open yourself up to the possibility of new visions, of new dreams, of new opportunities. Lingering in the pain of something lost, for longer than needed, could lead you to feel stuck, anxious, and depressed. Just because something didn’t work out for you in the way that you had hoped, in this moment, doesn’t mean that life doesn’t have something spectacular waiting for you around the corner. And I do believe, that in these difficult moments, holding on to the hope of something beautiful on its way for you, gives us the strength to persevere.

I write all of this to you today, not to diminish or belittle the hurt you may be feeling, but to offer up a sense of solidarity, a glimmer of light out of the darkness, and hope. These are extraordinarily trying times. If you can, try to find some joy in the difficult times,  and see good that is unfolding in each moment. Allow yourself to keep dreaming and feel hope for what is to come, even if we don’t exactly know what that looks like.

I love you!

Michelle

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