Edward Hoornaert's Blog, page 66
August 13, 2016
Effing Feline loves his work
Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior / Sunday Snippet posts on Mr. V’s behalf
I, Effing Feline, write this weekly column for my pet human, Ed Hoornaert, aka Mr Valentine. Do you know why I, a mere cat with minimal education and even less ambition, love working for a writer?
Because I love his yarns.
Today’s snippet is the last from Thimbleriggers, a story in Future Love, Mr V’s newest release. Twenty-something pornographer Aldous has used an experimental device to buy, for resale, 90-year-old Kathy’s erotic memories. After the recording session, Kathy confronts him with the realization that he has fallen in love with her — and then with the bill for her husband’s medical procedure, which she wants him to work hard to pay.
Outside her apartment, Aldous rested his forehead against her door, overcome by a stench rising from his soul. Easier, far easier, to walk away and never return. Much easier than taking his medication, and working, and convincing Dad he’d reformed in order to pay a stranger’s medical bills. He wasn’t meant for the straight and narrow; he always wobbled.
But if he walked away—
Earlier that day, he’d been unable to imagine himself old. Now, it was easy. A vision of old age appeared, as vivid as one of Ebenezer Scrooge’s midnight visions.
Toothless, crippled by age, peeing his pants, alone in a cheap little apartment. Endlessly replaying the canned memories of the first and — unless he somehow managed to reform — the only woman he had ever loved.
Effing Feline here again. I feel sorry for Aldous. Maybe I’ll let him bat around one of my balls of yarn.
Be sure to visit the other Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday posts.
Mr V got a heartwarming Amazon review recently for The Midas Rush, the ‘oldest’ of his novels that’s still in print.
All Tresky Buffrum wants is a taste of adventure and freedom before resigning himself to the simple life of a shepherd. What he gets instead is a mysterious wife (determined to remain chaste!) who leads him to the Midas Crater, where some of the planet’s intelligent natives have been inexplicably transformed into gold. Can Tresky defeat the interplanetary conspirators—including his beloved wife—who seek to destroy the Midas Crater before its mysteries liberate humans from solitary confinement in their own minds?
The Midas Rush is a available at:
Amazon | Canada | UK | Australia
Apple iBooks
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books
Smashwords
August 6, 2016
Effing Feline discusses Shakespeare
Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior / Sunday Snippet posts on Mr. V’s behalf
I, Effing Feline, write this weekly column on behalf of my pet human, Ed Hoornaert, aka Mr Valentine. I’ve actually behaved myself this week — boring, I know — and I have no witty anecdote to share. Even Shakespeare had off days. Witness The Two Gentlemen of Verona.
Today’s snippet will be one of the last from Thimbleriggers, a story in Future Love, Mr V’s new release. Twenty-something pornographer Aldous has used an experimental device to buy, for resale, 90-year-old Kathy’s erotic memories while he ‘watches’ and is deeply affected. After the recording session, Kathy confronts him with the realization that he has fallen in love with her.
“I didn’t expect it to happen so quickly. I thought it might take a couple of sessions.” Kathy reached into a drawer of the coffee table and pulled out a pink estimate of services from University Research Hospital. “This is the cost of David’s procedure. If you want more of my experiences, you’ll have to multiply your stated rates by a factor of two-point-three-eight. On the second sheet, I calculated the fees for the next twelve sessions. We have a year—eleven months and ten days, now—to raise the money.”
His fingertips brushed hers as he took the papers. She allowed the contact.
Effing Feline again. Actually, I’ve never seen The Two Gentlemen of Verona. However, I heard on the Internet that it’s baaaad.
Be sure to visit the other Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday posts.
August 4, 2016
SFR Brigade Showcase, August 2016
About Escapee: Repelling the Invasion
The African Queen in outer space
Catt Sayer just wants to survive. The working-class fugitive delivers military supplies on her decrepit airship, but her hard-won livelihood vanishes when invaders overrun her harsh moon. If that isn’t bad enough, an idealistic, upper-class officer wants her to risk her life on a hopeless voyage to attack enemy headquarters – manned by 10,000 soldiers.
Escapee is the second book in the Repelling the Invasion series.
Book one is The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station,
which features Hector’s twin brother, Duke.
Escapee: Excerpt
Something pinged off the tank, making it ring like a muffled bell. They’d been hit, but if Hank was right—of course he was right—the enemy couldn’t penetrate the tank’s armor. Yet.
A stream of projectiles slammed the tank, one after the other, in an endless, cacophonous barrage, dozens of them. Hundreds. Then the tank roared and jumped like a giant had swatted it.
What the plark? The enemy had brought up their cannon already? They might not miss their next shot.
But Hank’s face still glowed with savage intensity. “The shield generator is nearby. I need two more seconds.”
It seemed to take a lot more than two seconds—her sense of time had shrunk—but then the tank bellowed again, and the sound was different. Internal, not external. “Missile one, missile two,” Hank shouted. “Three and four.”
Recoil smacked Catt backward into the seat. She was grateful all over again it was so well padded. How was the poor skoot faring? She couldn’t see the animal.
“Got it! Got it!” Hank’s voice sounded tinny after the roar of the missiles.
“We did it? We made a difference?”
“We did it!”
“Hank, I love—”
Before she finished, a mountain jumped onto the tank. Catt’s teeth rattled. Her helmet’s speaker’s hissed with overload and then went silent. The roof disappeared. Something hit her. No, the seat had ejected and she was flying. Spinning through the air. Through dizzy gray sky. And smoke.
And Hank was nowhere to be seen.
If you like The African Queen and the thrill of underdogs finding love while battling a hostile environment, you’ll love Escapee. Don’t let this rousing tale escape you.
Find this book at:
Amazon | Canada | UK | Australia
MuseItUp Publishing
Apple iBooks
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books
All Romance
About the SFR Brigade
Each month, the Science Fiction Romance Brigade showcases some of its members. The Brigade is a group of authors who write — what else? — science fiction and romance.
July 30, 2016
Effing Feline thinks warm thoughts
Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior / Sunday Snippet posts on Mr. V’s behalf
I, Effing Feline, write this weekly column on behalf of my pet human, Ed Hoornaert, aka Mr Valentine. Mr V’s pretty happy this week, because one of his sons is visiting from some place called Canada. That’s even farther north than Phoenix, I think. Up there, houses are heated, instead of cooled. Those people have the right idea!
Today’s snippet will be one of the last from Thimbleriggers, a story in Future Love, Mr V’s new release. Young pornographer Aldous has used an experimental device to buy, for resale, 90-year-old Kathy’s erotic memories. After the recording session, Kathy starts to reveal her own scheme.
“When I researched your breadbox, I came across hints about transference. Do you know the psychological concept of transference?”
He didn’t want to admit his ignorance. She waited, squeezing him with her silence and forcing sound from his mouth.
“No,” he said.
“During intense psychological therapy, people often identify so strongly with the therapist that they fall in love with her. That’s transference. The research hinted at the breadbox’s capacity for transference, although no one had dared to mindscan so intensively and on such emotional topics as you did. But I wondered, and I hoped, because of my psychological profile.”
Her voice grew gentle as she said, “You’re in love with me, Aldous.”
Effing Feline here. Even if the young bad guy does love the ancient lady, what good does that do?
Ah well. Instead of pondering that question, I think I’ll curl up on a warm lap and dream about sleeping atop a radiator.
Be sure to visit the other Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday posts.
For kicks, visit Mr V’s Amazon page.
July 26, 2016
Eddie the writer?
Why did Stephan Pastis have to use my name in today’s Pearls Before Swine comic strip? And then make fun of my books’ sales? Okay, I admit they pale before the sales of his books, but … sheesh!
Click to see the punchline.
And the punchline makes it even worse. Pastis, you #@, you knew I used to be a technical writer, didn’t you?
July 23, 2016
Effing Feline distrusts chuckling seniors
Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior / Sunday Snippet posts on Mr. V’s behalf
I, Effing Feline, post this weekly column on behalf of my pet human, Ed Hoornaert, aka Mr Valentine.
My cousin Lee, who lives in a zoo, read about the weight gain I mentioned in last week’s post, and sent me a picture of him to inspire me. Thanks, Lee! I feel thinner just looking at you.
Today’s snippet will be one of the last from Thimbleriggers, a story in Future Love, Mr V’s new release. Young pornographer Aldous has used an experimental device to record, for resale, 90-year-old Kathy’s erotic memories … but while monitoring the memories, he’s fallen for her.
After the recording session, she wakens and Aldous pays her. (Edited slightly from the published version to fit the 10-sentence limit.)
Kathy looked at his face, then lower, at the stain on his slacks. She grabbed the bills, flung them at him, and said, “I hate you.”
The money fluttered through the air like obscene confetti — but before the last bills reached the floor, she labored to her knees to retrieve them. Aldous went down to help her. The top of her dress gaped away from her thin body … just like in the band room. He couldn’t tear his gaze away; her breasts were wrinkled and pendulous, but they were hers.
“You . . . you’re looking down my dress?”
He expected her to turn away like a shy eighteen-year old in a band room; when she didn’t, he continued to stare, eager for life to start all over again — but this time with him, not David.
Kathy slowly sat on the sofa like an achy old woman. She chuckled.
Effing Feline here again. Beware of chuckling 90-year olds! They’re probably thinking of an ancient I Love Lucy episode when they should be dishing out the catfood.
Again, Lee, my thanks. I’ll start exercising next week, I promise. Maybe next month. Until then, I’ll look at your picture often.
Be sure to visit the other Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sunday posts.
Future Love
The special introductory price of just 99c expires this coming Wednesday. If you haven’t gotten it yet, do it soon. Your wallet will thank you.
July 19, 2016
Sale prices on great SFR books
Free books.
Inexpensive books.
Good books.
If you’re a regular, you know I’m an active member of the Science Fiction Romance Brigade. Brigade authors are cooperating in a cross promotion of books that are marked down until this coming Friday, July 22.
My entry in the promotion, available for only 99c, is —
Alien Contact for Idiots
What’s a woman gonna do when she’s quarantined with an out-of-this-world alien?
After Ell Harmon, a take-charge Seattle biologist, makes first alien contact, she finds herself quarantined with a prince from the future. Is he the man of her dreams? Or a conqueror with unimaginable weapons? She’s about to find out. The hard way.
Edward Hoornaert’s near-future romance, Alien Contact for Idiots, is the premier book in his Alien Contact series. If you like strong characters pitted against each other in an adventure laced with humor, you’ll love Alien Contact for Idiots.
Check out the SFR Brigade promotion while it’s still available. You’ll be glad you did!
And join Ed’s World, my newsletter about sales, new releases, and other fun stuff.
Top Ten Books Set Outside the USA
It’s been a couple of months since I wrote a Top Ten Tuesdays post, but I’m back!
The meme is hosted by The Broke and The Bookish. The blog hop features lists related to all things bookish–characters, authors, titles, and favorites. They’re an excellent way to find new interesting books on a variety of topics, and to connect with bloggers who love the books you do.
American authors — and American settings — dominate much of contemporary literature in English, but this week’s theme whisks us across the world.
The theme is top ten non-books with non-USA settings. Considering that I have immediate family in the Canada and the Netherlands as well as the US (with a son who used to live in England), I have a focus on the world that means this theme should be right up my alley.
VIRGIN ISLANDS — The Jumbee, by Pamela Keyes
This intelligent and ingenious YA novel is a retelling of The Phantom of the Opera in contemporary times. I list its setting as the Virgin Islands because the author lived there, but in truth the story is set on the fictional island of Cariba.
FRANCE — The Three Musketeers, by Alexander Dumas
I absolutely loved this book growing up — so much so that I’ll watch any movie rendition of it, no matter how execrable. And most of them are. One thing I don’t understand, though. If they’re musketeers, i.e. soldiers who use muskets, why do they always fight with swords?
CANADA — The Toothpaste Genie, by Frances Duncan
With no oil lamps to live in these days, where can a poor genie live? How about inside a tube of toothpaste! Back when I was an elementary school teacher, I read this book to my nine- and ten-year old students and they loved it. I did too — it’s silly but fun, as when the girl wishes she could talk to her cat. Turns out the cat speaks French … and then the Vancouverite girl can only speak French, not English.
FINLAND — Winter Fire, by William R Trotter.
Erich Ziegler, a German intelligence officer in Finland during WWII meets composer Jean Sibelius and finds that his 8th Symphony may actually exist and Ziegler, a conductor as well as a hard-fighting hero, wants to present the work to the world. In one of those life-imitates-art moments, fragments of Sibelius’s 8th were found last year in an attic — which is a big deal for an orchestral oboist like me. I hope I get a chance to play it some day!
ENGLAND — Emma, by Jane Austen
As this list attests, I lean toward the classics. I don’t really need to write a blurb for this well-known classic, do I? It’s set near south of London in Surrey.
CENTRAL AFRICA — The African Queen, by C.S. Forester
To be honest, I prefer the movie over the book. Forester, who also wrote the Horatio Hornblower books, was more interested in the boat than his characters. I love the movie so much that I wrote a science fiction retelling, entitled Escapee.
CANADA — Still Life, by Louise Penny
This is the first book about Inspector Gamache, and it remains my favorite in the series. The books set in the tiny Quebec hamlet of Three Pines are the best ones, in my opinion. They’re all exceptionally deep and intelligent mysteries, though.
SCOTLAND — Outlander, by Diana Gabaldon
Strong-willed and sensual Claire Randall leads a double life with a husband in the 20th century, and a lover in another in the 18th. I wonder … does that make her liable for arrest as a bigamist?
RUSSIA — The Brothers Karamazov, by Fyodor Dostoevsky
I haven’t read book this in ages, but I went through a Dostoevsky phase at one time and my favorites are either this one or The Gambler.
What about you? What are some of your favorite books with settings outside the US? Tell us about it in the comments.
July 16, 2016
Effing Feline gains weight
Fart-Fueled Flying Feline, Effing for short, writes the Weekend Writing Warrior / Sunday Snippet posts on Mr. V’s behalf
I, Effing Feline, post this weekly column on behalf of my pet human, Ed Hoornaert, aka Mr Valentine. Mr V has been away at the RWA writers conference, but that’s all right with me. The huge self-service supply of food he left more than makes up for his absence. Yum!
Today’s snippet continues from Thimbleriggers, a story in Future Love, Mr V’s new release. Young pornographer Aldous is using a device — the ‘breadbox’ — to record the memories of 90-year-old Kathy’s youthful love affair. (Edited slightly from the published version to fit the 10-sentence limit.) If you’re under 18, read no further!
The previous snippet ended with this line: The boy’s touch on Kathy’s virgin breasts excited Aldous — and yet the him that was watching became more furious than aroused.
Nonetheless, he didn’t remove the helmet. Not when the boy’s lips replaced his hands, making Kathy weak-kneed and wet, not even when she rubbed the front of his pants for the first time ever. She was sorry she wasn’t able to see what really happened when he shuddered under her touch.
With trembling hands, Aldous removed the helmet and looked down. He’d creamed his pants without ever touching himself.
He needed to turn the damned breadbox down. Kathy Hall was full-blast sexy and so damned loyal that her first love had lasted over seventy years—and a man could fall in love with a woman like that. Aldous leaned forward and touched the dial.
But without turning down the volume, he put the helmet back on. Too good this way, too good.
Effing Feline here again. If any of you are pet owner, do you know if it’s okay for a cat to gain 9.4 pounds in one week?
Be sure to visit the other Weekend Writing Warriors and Snippet Sundays posts.
Future Love
Now available at the special introductory price of just 99c
With Mr V gone, I’m not going to bother with an ad for his book.That’s what he gets for leaving me.
July 10, 2016
SFR Brigade Blog Hop, Summer 2016
The Science Fiction Romance Brigade‘s blog hop is back, bringing you great reads.
Great prizes, too! $50 gift cards, ebook bundles, and copies of my own Alien Contact for Idiots. More on the prizes at the end of this blog post.
Travel Posters for My Worlds
Whenever I have a new release, I design a travel poster for the book’s science fiction worlds. Seeing that I’ve had two new releases since April, I’m honoring of the SFR Brigade’s blog hop with my travel posters for Escapee and Future Love.
Escape to Banff
Not the spectacular mountain park in Canada. Not the seaside town in Scotland, either.
No, this Banff is a distant moon, the hellish but mineral-rich setting for Escapee.
The African Queen in outer space
Catt Sayer just wants to survive. The working-class fugitive delivers military supplies on her decrepit airship, but her hard-won livelihood vanishes when invaders overrun her harsh moon. And now an idealistic, upper-class officer wants her to risk her life on a hopeless voyage to attack enemy headquarters – manned by 10,000 soldiers.
Edward Hoornaert’s romantic space opera, Escapee, continues the saga of the Dukelsky family (begun in The Guardian Angel of Farflung Station). If you like The African Queen and the thrill of underdogs finding love while battling a hostile environment, you’ll love Escapee.
Amazon US | Canada | UK | Australia
MuseItUp Publishing
Apple iBooks
Barnes and Noble
Kobo Books
All Romance
Explore the Afterlife … at your peril
The teriyaki vine forest is setting for one of the short stories in Future Love.
Love is gonna get tougher and trickier
A spaceman wins the woman of his dreams … but it’s too late. A crook invents a new form of pornography … but it teaches him about love, not sex. A man pursues his beloved beyond death … but finds only the evil in his own heart.
The short stories in Edward Hoornaert’s Future Love probe how the future will make today’s romance seem simple and tame by comparison. Think that’s not possible? You have much to learn…
Amazon Canada | UK | Australia
Apple iBooks
Barnes and Noble
Kobo
Go ahead, decide which world you’d like to visit. Unlike Virgin Galactic, which charges millions, all the trip will cost you is the price of a book.
For more otherworldly trips, see the other great writers in the SFR Brigade blog hop.
Ahem. What about those prizes?
There are several ways to win.
First, anyone who joins Ed’s World during this blog hop wins an electronic copy of Ed’s thought provoking and hilarious Alien Contact for Idiots. Ed’s World is an occasional newsletter featuring giveaways, information, new releases, and other fun.
There are also great grand prizes. Three $50 gift cards. Ebook bundles. Great stuff! Enter the Rafflecopter giveaway for a chance to win a grand prize!
And don’t forget to visit the other worlds from other great writers!
