Jeff Strand > Quotes

“I know I'll die someday, but I buy books like an immortal.”
― Jeff Strand

“I cursed. (S-word, f-word, s-word, d-word, s-word times three, f-word, and a z-word I made up on the spot.)
I kicked a brick wall.
I said the z-word again in response to the pain that came from kicking a brick wall.”
― Jeff Strand, A Bad Day for Voodoo

“What makes you think I'm coping?" "Well, for one thing, you're not lying on the floor in the fetal position. That's a good start.”
― Jeff Strand, The Sinister Mr. Corpse

“Pregnant women shouldn’t be lifting dead bodies.”
― Jeff Strand, Stalking You Now

“You don't want me to die alone, do you? Nobody should have to die alone." "You won't be alone," said Rachel. "The assassin will be there with you.”
― Jeff Strand, Blister

“You know Hitler? I like Hitler more than I like you, and I'm a Jew.”
― Jeff Strand, Blister

“This is a really lame exchange of hidden messages.”
― Jeff Strand, Cyclops Road

“If Raiders of the Lost Ark taught us anything, it's that you don't swing your sword at somebody who has a gun.”
― Jeff Strand, Cyclops Road

“I'm doing this because I'm insane. Doesn't my mad cackle make me sound insane?”
― Jeff Strand, Dead Clown Barbecue

“Oh, no, you are not going all boa constrictor on me!" he told it,”
― Jeff Strand, The Haunted Forest Tour

“Stay quiet or the last sound you’ll hear is your brain exiting through your eye sockets. It’s sort of a bang/slurp sound. Trust me, you wouldn’t like it.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“I'm not sure when "destruction" officially becomes a "rampage," but when that vampire started kicking down the buildings next to the police station I decided that we had a good old fashioned rampage on our hands.”
― Jeff Strand, Dead Clown Barbecue

“I didn't do anything to you." "You're right. You didn't. And if I kept shouting 'Revenge!' the whole time I was cutting you, that argument would have some substance. But since I've given no indication that my actions are vengeance-based, it was a pointless thing to say.”
― Jeff Strand, Dead Clown Barbecue

“if you’re obsessively focused on trying not to make mistakes, it can take some of the soul out of your performance”
― Jeff Strand, How You Ruined My Life

“it’s crazy to think he wouldn’t call the police. But I despise him. I don’t care how irrational it is; if my mind worked normally, I wouldn’t have killed eight people for the fun of it.”
― Jeff Strand, Stalking You Now

“Fishing poles. The weapon of choice for the traveler in distress. We also had lots and lots of marshmallows. Maybe we could immobilize these guys with sticky gooey goodness.”
― Jeff Strand, The Andrew Mayhem Collection 4-Book Bundle

“Okay, obviously I didn't die or I wouldn't be able to relate this tender little narrative. Unless, of course, I'm a ghost, writing these words through an Ouija board. That would be pretty cool, but also incredibly time consuming, and the human I was channeling through would probably try to steal all the credit.”
― Jeff Strand, The Andrew Mayhem Collection 4-Book Bundle

“I'm a liar, but this is the truth. I”
― Jeff Strand, Blister

“You know, if I look at the wound on an angle, it reminds me of a stripper I know.” I amended my “complete asshole” assessment to include the words “from hell.” “So this is where we part ways, slowly drift apart, and eventually fail to keep in touch altogether, right?” I asked.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“The gods were not, in fact, smiling upon me. I at least hoped they weren't laughing at me.”
― Jeff Strand, Pressure

“The alarm went off at the unholy hour of five-fifteen. I got up off the couch, staggered around for a moment wondering what planet I was currently residing on, then used Roger's shower. The soap didn't jolt me into a state of euphoric alertness like the commercials said it would, but I felt a bit more human.”
― Jeff Strand, The Andrew Mayhem Collection 4-Book Bundle

“So I’m going to do an H.P. Lovecraft and write that it was so horrible that it cannot be described, and leave it at that.”
― Jeff Strand, Facial

“New York, New York. The Big Apple. The City That Never Sleeps. Spider-Man's hometown. I assume it's a pretty cool place to visit, when you're not stuck in a fleabag motel for three days cramming for finals week in the psychopath exams.”
― Jeff Strand, The Andrew Mayhem Collection 4-Book Bundle

“I could imagine his eulogy: “Fucker’s dead. Throw some dirt on him. Let’s go play some poker.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“He held my finger over the toilet at chest-level, let it dangle for several seconds, then dropped it. It landed with a small splash. "Adios, dear finger," said Mr. Burke. He flushed the toilet and watched happily. "Going . . . going . . ." I wondered if this was payback for his being dunked in the toilet once too often by bullies in school. "Going . . ." He frowned. "Aw, shit, it's still there. Fuckin' low-flow toilets.”
― Jeff Strand, The Andrew Mayhem Collection 4-Book Bundle

“Yes, somehow I'd reached the point of mental instability where I was making up excuses to justify my actions to my own brain.”
― Jeff Strand, Blister

“I couldn’t believe that I was going to die from being slowly eaten alive by chained-up elderly ladies who thought they were vampires. I’d always kind of figured that I would go peacefully in my sleep, after my wife dropped an anvil on my head.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“He was on whatever combination of drugs makes you constantly lick your lips and ignore stoplights.”
― Jeff Strand, Bring Her Back

“Oh, how he hated that werewolf. Despised him. Loathed him. Abhorred him. He could take every synonym in the thesaurus, plus all of their foreign language equivalents, including dead languages that only a couple of scholars in the world still knew how to translate, and it wouldn’t come close to expressing just how deeply he hated that man-beast.”
― Jeff Strand, Wolf Hunt

“Do you want to embrace eternal life, or do you want to be like those whiny vampires?”
― Jeff Strand, The Sinister Mr. Corpse