Suckers Quotes

“Stay quiet or the last sound you’ll hear is your brain exiting through your eye sockets. It’s sort of a bang/slurp sound. Trust me, you wouldn’t like it.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“I could imagine his eulogy: “Fucker’s dead. Throw some dirt on him. Let’s go play some poker.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“You know, if I look at the wound on an angle, it reminds me of a stripper I know.” I amended my “complete asshole” assessment to include the words “from hell.” “So this is where we part ways, slowly drift apart, and eventually fail to keep in touch altogether, right?” I asked.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“Like any freaked-out person, I needed answers. So I searched Google, using the terms “post dramatic stress disorder sex with corpses and giant testicles” which linked me to a bunch of unhelpful porn sites.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“Marietta Garbonzo had found me through the ad I placed in the Chicago phone book. The ad used the expensive magnifying glass logo, along with the tagline, Harry McGlade Investigators: We’ll Do Whatever it Takes. It brought in more customers than my last tagline: No Job Too Small, No Fee Too High, or the one prior to that, We’ll Investigate Your Privates.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“I want you to kill the man that my husband hired to kill the man that I hired to kill my husband.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“Is someone in my tree?” I fought panic, and through Herculean effort managed to keep my pants dry. “No,” I answered. She wasn’t fooled.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“I’m sorry for your loss, Mr. Thorpe. But hiring me to bust into someone’s home and steal a dog…I’m guessing that breaks all sorts of laws. I could have my license revoked, I could go to jail—” “I’ll triple your fee.” “I take cash, checks, or major credit cards.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“I couldn’t believe that I was going to die from being slowly eaten alive by chained-up elderly ladies who thought they were vampires. I’d always kind of figured that I would go peacefully in my sleep, after my wife dropped an anvil on my head.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“The problem with having so many naked women trying to hump me senseless was… Actually, there was no problem with it at all.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“The kitchen lights came on, revealing two goons behind the bald guy. Younger guys who were also dressed entirely in black. The one on the left had one of those ridiculous curved collectors’ knives, the kind they sell on the Home Shopping Network that looked like they’re used to skin buffalo. Glinting in the overhead florescence, it didn’t look ridiculous at all. His partner had opted for the maniac implement de jour—a sixteen inch chainsaw.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“I landed on top of him and we struggled frantically for control of the weapon. Punches were thrown. Head-butts were exchanged. Obscenities were uttered. I’d been in vicious fights before, but this was the first one to take place on top of a mutilated corpse.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers

“Further interrogation revealed that the Pires were a gang of Goths who only came out at night and liked to wear fake fangs and drink each other’s blood. I could relate; there wasn’t much good on TV anymore, and kids can get bored in the ‘burbs.”
― Jeff Strand, Suckers