Good Inside Quotes

“am I helping my kid tolerate and work through this distress, or am I encouraging my child to avoid and beeline out of the distress?”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Resilience, in many ways, is our ability to experience a wide range of emotions and still feel like ourselves. Resilience helps us bounce back from the stress, failure, mistakes, and adversity in our lives.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Many of us were raised to take in another person’s distress as our responsibility, so when we see our partners or friends or kids get upset when we assert ourselves or say no, we backtrack. Taking a breath and remembering that often the only way we get our needs met is by simultaneously tolerating others’ distress helps prevent us from losing ourselves.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Confirming our children’s perceptions sets them up to recognize when things don’t feel right later, and it will empower them to trust themselves enough to speak up.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“But rather than responding by reducing the connection after these behaviors, I’d think about increasing the connection outside of these behaviors. Behavioral issues are often a call for attention or connection—if those needs are met, that cry for help is no longer necessary. This is why a bad behavior is rarely “fixed” in that behavior’s immediate aftermath. It takes ongoing connection to really move the needle, and kids in difficult behavioral cycles need more proactive attention, more one-on-one time, more assurance that they are seen and valued and have an identity outside of their acting out. Increased connection might mean scheduling ten minutes of distraction-free time every day (I call this Play No Phone, or PNP, Time—more on that in a bit) or a “Hey, want to grab some ice cream? We could use a special treat!” When you carve out time with your child, especially one who has a history of acting out, you’re telling them, “I see you as more than a bad kid.” And for the times they do engage in troublesome behavior? Take a deep breath, remind yourself that progress isn’t linear, and remember that when we connect with our kids after they act out, we don’t have to throw a party for them. You might say, “Sweetie, I know you’re having a hard time, and we will work on ways of telling your brother you’re mad while keeping your body safe. Now, I need to finish folding laundry. You can sit with me if you want. Let’s make sure you and I get some time together, just the two of us, later, okay? I love you.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“When we sacrifice relationship building in favor of control tactics, our children may age, but in many ways, they developmentally remain toddlers, because they miss out on years of building the emotion regulation, coping skills, intrinsic motivation, and inhibition of desires that are necessary for life success.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“key element is connection after disconnection—a parent’s calm and compassionate presence after a moment marked by dysregulated reactivity.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Get a recordable button with at least thirty seconds of recordable space (you can purchase inexpensive ones online). Find a time when you’re alone and calm. Then, in your regulated, soothing voice, record a message for your child about bedtime. It might be a verse from a bedtime song, it might be the mantra your child uses, it might be a message about seeing you in the morning—whatever your child would find soothing in your absence. Integrate this button in the sleep routine; your child might press the button once to hear your message while you’re in the room, once while you walk out, twice when you’re outside the door. Or you can even strike a “bargain”: “Let’s work on using the comfort button—I want to hear you listen to four full rounds before you call for me. I’ll know you’re using it because I’ll be waiting outside your door. If things still feel bad, call for me and I’ll come in and rub your back and tell you you’re safe and we’ll try it all again.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“have used this mantra for years with my own kids: “Mommy is near, [child’s name] is safe, my bed is cozy.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Think of various ways to infuse your presence into your child’s room and bed area. Maybe you put a family photo next to your child’s sleep area and a photo of your child next to your bed as well. You can introduce this, during the daytime, by saying: “You know what I’ve been thinking about? Sometimes I have a hard time falling asleep and I think of you and miss you! I’d love to have a picture of you right next to my bed. Then I can see you and remind myself that you’re here and I’m safe, and that I’ll see you in the morning! I think it would be good for both of us to have pictures of each other. Maybe we can make picture frames and then put them by our beds.” I’d suggest making the frames together—nothing fancy, you can just decorate a piece of construction paper and glue the photo on top. This way your presence is infused into the room in your picture but also in your child’s memory of creating art with you, a memory that likely feels safe and connected, which”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Get out the stuffed animals, trucks, dolls, or whatever your child likes to play with. Use them to act out a bedtime routine, reviewing feelings that come up and strategies that help with the soothing process. Say to your child, “Let’s help Duckie get ready for bed!” Then say to Duckie, “Duckie, I know sleeping isn’t your favorite part of the day. It’s okay to feel sad at bedtime. Remember, Mommy Duck is right outside your room. You are safe. And Mommy Duck will see you in the morning. Okay, let’s get ready for bed.” Then go over the nighttime routine—use the same one as your child”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Stuffed animals or blankies can be helpful for kids who struggle with separating, because they literally travel with them between the home and school environments, thereby acting as a link between the two. Your child might want to have a laminated picture of the family (feel free to use clear packing tape!), and you can use this in your separation routine, reminding your child that after you leave, they can look at this picture and say over and over, “My family is near. My family is near.” Consider involving your child in a transitional object choice: “Is there anything you want to bring to school to remind you of home?”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Come up with a routine that is easy to practice and repeat—something short and sweet. Maybe you say, “When we say goodbye, I’ll give you one hug, say ‘See ya later, alligator!’ and ‘Daddy always comes back!,’ and then I’ll turn around and leave. You’ll be with your teachers then, and if any big feelings come up, they’ll know how to help you. Let’s practice!” Then, act out the scene of drop-off—feel free to be the kid first and have your child be the adult, and then switch roles. Practice will make the whole routine feel more familiar, and eventually lead to mastery, which helps separation feel safer.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“The concept of internalization helps us understand what kids need to separate successfully; kids literally have to “take in” something from a parent so they can hold on to the good feelings of the relationship even when a parent says goodbye. English pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott introduced the idea that children create a mental representation of the parent-child relationship so that they can access the feelings of the relationship even when a parent is absent. Transitional objects help children with this process; a blanket or stuffed animal or object from home becomes a physical representation of the parent-child bond, reminding a child that parents still exist and are “there” for you even when they are not right in front of you. I always recommend transitional objects to parents whose kids struggle with separation anxiety—they are a way to help make tricky transitions feel more manageable. After all, to ease separation anxiety, we have to help kids “hold on to us” in our absence.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“One day my daughter taught me a word she learned in Spanish and I responded, “One–nothing!” She looked at me, confused, and I explained, “Not knowing something means I can learn, and learning new things is awesome. I learned one thing just now so I get one point!” In this game, “winning” isn’t equated with being “perfect” or already knowing something, but instead with the process of learning. There’s something about making not-knowing into a “win” that gives kids permission to struggle and learn. This is huge for perfectionists. My daughter loves referencing this game when she’s learning—“Mom, two points for me, I just learned two state capitals!” There are many ways to do a 180 on perfectionism: make a game of not-knowing, make it a goal to make a mistake, give high fives for errors.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“When we wonder with our kids about the “how” instead of praising the “what,” we help build up their tendency to gaze in and be curious about themselves, and maybe even to marvel at the things they’ve done.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Kids are often taught that confidence means feeling good, feeling proud, or feeling happy with themselves. It doesn’t. I know that might seem like a bold statement, but I firmly believe it’s time to reframe the discussion around confidence. When we define confidence as “feeling good about ourselves,” we end up trying to convince our kids out of their distress, out of their disappointment, or out of their perception that they are not very good at certain things; this is unfortunate, because I believe this pathway of reassurance and propping up actually destroys confidence. Hear me out. For me, confidence is not about feeling “good,” it’s about believing, “I really know what I feel right now. Yes, this feeling is real, and yes, it’s allowed to be there, and yes, I am a good person while I am feeling this way.” Confidence is our ability to feel at home with ourselves in the widest range of feelings possible, and it’s built from the belief that it’s okay to be who you are no matter what you’re feeling.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Take some time to wonder aloud with your kids about tears, encouraging them to think deeply and question the common narrative that tears are a sign of weakness. Here are some starter questions, all of which are meant to promote thoughtfulness, not answers: “What do you think tears tell us? Are tears good, or bad, or neither good nor bad—maybe they just are? Did you know that tears release stress from our bodies? Isn’t that interesting? There are some people who don’t like to cry. I wonder why? Can boys and girls cry? Can adults and kids cry? Can men and women cry? Is it more okay for girls or boys to cry or okay for both? Why? How did you learn that?”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Tasha remembers the circuitry for consent—she wants her kids to be able to assert their wants and needs even if others are upset about it, and she knows these circuits, which are active throughout adulthood, are built during childhood. Tasha says to Kiki: “You don’t want to hug Grandpa, huh? That’s okay. You’re the only one in your body, so you’re the only one who could know what feels right to you. And here’s the other thing: You see that Grandpa is sad because he wants a hug. That’s okay. Other people are allowed to have feelings when we say no. You don’t have to change your mind because someone is upset.” Then Tasha approaches her dad and tells him, “It’s really important to me that my kids know they’re in charge of their bodies. I know you might disagree with how I am parenting in this moment—that’s fine. But please don’t send her mixed messages about it.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“love asking my kids thought-provoking questions around the topic of consent. I do this with other topics too, since kids learn best when they are encouraged to think and consider, which comes from asking questions. But I find that questions of consent are especially thought-provoking, so this strategy is especially effective in that context. The next time you have an “opening” with your child—a nice quiet moment when you’re getting along—explore the topics of decision-making, asserting one’s wants and needs, and tolerating other people’s distress. I’d start with, “Oooooh, I have an interesting question . . . ,” and then share some (but not all!) of the following: “What’s more important, doing something that feels right to you or making other people happy? What if you can’t do both? When does making someone else happy, instead of doing something that feels right, feel okay to you? When would it be extra-important to choose doing what feels right, even if someone else is super unhappy? What if you do something that you want and someone else gets mad at you . . . does this mean you’re a bad person? Why or why not?”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Here’s what I believe is the most important idea around kids and food: minimizing anxiety around food is more important than consumption of food.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“he places his hand on his heart, takes a breath, and tells himself, ‘This feels hard because it is hard, not because I’m doing something wrong.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Here’s a powerful phrase to use with your kids: “You’ll know when you’re ready to ___.” This communicates that you trust your child, which will teach them to trust themself, and self-trust is the essence of confidence. But this phrase also suggests the idea of movement—it implies that your kid will be more comfortable eventually. We want our kids to believe that they are the best feelers of their feelings, because this is what enables them to make good decisions.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“I’ll never forget the day, in my practice, when I had a consultation with parents of a timid six-year-old followed by a consultation with parents of an impressionable sixteen-year-old. The first set of parents told me: “Chase watches all his friends go play and he hangs back—even when his friends ask him to join, sometimes he says no! He’s so timid. I wish he was more confident.” Then, in the next hour, the parents of the teenager said: “It’s like Alex will just do whatever his friends are doing. It’s like he can’t think for himself, he’s so easily swayed. I wish he was more confident.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Step 4: Engage your child to problem-solve with you. Offer “leading” ideas, but allow your child to experience the aha moment of brainstorming a coping mechanism. Resist the urge to explain the fear away or solve the problem on your own. Phrases like “I wonder” and “I’m thinking about” help engage your child in problem-solving. It might sound like this: “Hmm . . . I’m wondering if we can go to the basement and start going down the stairs one at a time . . . let me know when the scary feeling starts and when it feels like it’s getting bigger.” As you inquire about the fear in this way, you infuse your parental presence into the moment, and as your child feels less alone in her fear, it won’t hold such a strong grip. Next, maybe say, “I wonder what you could say to yourself as you go down one of the stairs . . .” Or maybe you suggest a solution like, “I’m thinking about practicing going down one stair now, then in a few days maybe another stair, and the next day a few more . . . hmm . . .” Step 5: Create a mantra. For kids who struggle with anxiety, mantras can be very helpful in the moment. Whether spoken out loud or recited internally, a mantra focuses their attention on the calming words rather than the source of distress. Examples of mantras include, “It’s okay to be nervous. I can get through this,” “I can feel scared and brave at the same time,” and “I’m safe, my parents are near.” Work with your child to develop a mantra that feels good to them and encourage them to repeat it during scary moments. Step 6: Share a “slowly coping with a fear” story. Yours might sound like: “This reminds me of when I was about your age, and I was scared of dogs. I still remember how bad those moments felt in my body.” Do not offer a quick fix like, “But then I realized that I was safe and it was okay.” Instead offer a story of slow coping, something like: “I remember talking to my dad about it, and realizing it was okay to feel scared. I remember that my dad and I would read a lot about dogs, then I’d start to walk closer to dogs with him. And then one day, my dad helped me touch a dog. Little by little, dogs felt less scary. It was such hard work to be brave when I was feeling scared!”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“It can be tempting to avoid talking about fears, as if by not reminding our kids of whatever it is they’re afraid of, they might forget their fear altogether. This, of course, is not how it works—the best way we can help a child through their fear is to discuss it head-on, as this is how we show a child that we—the adults!—aren’t as scared as they are of this topic. Here’s a sample script for addressing fears in a way that is productive for both parent and child. Step 1: Talk to your child about his fear, aiming only to collect information and build understanding. Start with something like: “Tell me more about what it’s like to walk into rooms on your own when it’s dark,” or “It seems like going into parts of this house, alone, feels tricky to you.” Ask more, and tell less—no convincing or explaining, just information gathering. Then restate what you’ve learned to see if you “have it right.” You might say, “Okay, let me see if I have this right. When you walk somewhere alone in the house, and it’s dark, it just feels scary in your body. You’re not sure why but you know it feels that way. Is that right?” Step 2: Validate that your child’s fear “makes sense.” Helping your child understand her fear is key to helping her feel brave enough to confront it. Say something like: “The dark can feel scary because we can’t see. And it can feel scary when we don’t know for sure what’s around us. It makes sense that walking around the house alone when it’s dark feels tricky to you!” Step 3: Tell your child how glad you are that you talked about this fear. Use the word “important.” This communicates that the fear feelings within them are worthy of being spoken about, which encourages them to cope with these feelings rather than push them away (which would only make them bigger!). Try, “I’m so glad we’re talking about this. This is really important stuff.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“A dry run for separation might start like this: “On Monday, you’ll have your first day of school. Let’s think about how we want to say goodbye and then practice it a few times so our bodies are ready for the moment when it comes!” Then come up with a short routine and practice it, maybe even acting out the walking away or taking a deep breath and using a mantra if a child feels sad. Even if your child becomes distressed, keep in mind that this rehearsal will not make your child more anxious; rather, it will allow your child to gain mastery and comfort with a tricky situation.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Children interpret our interactions with them not as a reaction to the specific moment but as a message about who they should be.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Trying to rationalize a fear or convince a child they shouldn’t be afraid, in the moment, is never a successful strategy.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“If lying is an issue in your home, connect with your child outside of the moment to have a larger discussion about what he needs to be honest. This is especially effective with older kids who are more equipped to verbalize these thoughts. You might start like this: “Hey . . . I want to talk for a few minutes. You’re not in trouble. I’m just thinking about how sometimes it’s hard to tell me the truth. And I’m not blaming you, because I realize there must be things you need from me in order to tell me the truth. There must be things I’m doing that make truth-telling scary for you, or maybe you think you might get in some type of trouble. Anyway, I’m wondering what you need from me, or if there’s something I could do differently. Because I want this to be a house where you can tell me the truth about things even if you think they’re not so great.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be