Good Inside Quotes

“You’re upset, that’s real, I see that.” Invalidation, or the act of dismissing someone else’s experience or truth, would sound like this: “There’s no reason to be so upset, you’re so sensitive, come on!” Remember, all human beings—kids and adults—have a profound need to feel seen in who they are, and at any given moment, who we are is related to what we are feeling inside.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“The absence of a sturdy adult keeping them safe is more dysregulating to them than the original issue. “Please stop hitting your brother!” “Stop running! I said to stop running! If you keep running with those scissors, you’re not going to get dessert!” “Didn’t we say you’d be done after this show? Can’t we be done? Why do you have to make this so hard?” In each of these examples, parents are asking their kids to inhibit an urge or desire that, frankly, they are developmentally incapable of inhibiting.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Parent: “You have to put a jacket on before you go outside. It is freezing!” Child: “I don’t get cold! I’ll be fine, let me go outside!” Parent: “Okay, one second. Let me take a breath. Let me see if I understand what’s happening here . . . I’m worried about you being cold, because it’s pretty windy outside. You’re telling me that you feel your body doesn’t get that cold and you’re pretty sure you’ll be okay, huh? Did I get that right?” Child: “Yeah.” Now there are lots of possibilities. There’s an opening in the conversation. Let’s continue with two different options. Parent: “Hmm . . . what can we do? I’m sure we can come up with an idea that both of us feel okay about . . .” Child: “Can I bring my jacket with me and if I’m cold, I’ll put it on?” Parent: “Sure, what an awesome solution.” When children feel seen and sense their parent is a teammate and not an adversary, and when they’re asked to collaborate in problem-solving . . . good things happen. Now, let’s say you’re insisting your child wear the jacket—it’s two degrees outside with fifty-mile-per-hour winds. This isn’t a control thing but a true safety thing.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Understanding (“two things are true”) and convincing (“one thing is true”) are two diametrically opposed ways of approaching other people, so a powerful first step in any interaction is to notice which mode you’re in.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Convincing has one goal in mind: being right. And here’s the unfortunate consequence of being right: the other person feels unseen and unheard, at which point most people become infuriated and combative, because it feels as if the other person does not accept your realness or worth. Feeling unseen and unheard makes connection impossible.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“We orient them to their internal experience, which includes thoughts, feelings, sensations, urges, memories, and images. Self-regulation skills rely on the ability to recognize internal experience, so by focusing on what’s inside rather than what’s outside, we are building in our children the foundation of healthy coping.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“But my MGI of my child’s response is this: “Hmm. My son really wishes he was included in this special lunch. I can understand that. He’s sad. And jealous. Those feelings are so big in his small body that they explode out of him in the form of big hurtful words, but what’s underneath is a raw, painful set of feelings.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Wow, those are big words, let me take a breath . . . I hear how upset you are. Tell me more.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Your younger son responds: “You and Daddy are going out with Nico without me? I hate you! You’re the worst mom in the world!”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Let me share an assumption I have about you and your kids: you are all good inside. When you call your child “a spoiled brat,” you are still good inside. When your child denies knocking down his sister’s block tower (even though you watched it happen), he is still good inside. And when I say “good inside,” I mean that we all, at our core, are compassionate, loving, and generous. The principle of internal goodness drives all of my work—I hold the belief that kids and parents are good inside, which allows me to be curious about the “why” of their bad behaviors. This curiosity enables me to develop frameworks and strategies that are effective in creating change. There is nothing in this book as important as this principle—it is the foundation for all that’s to come, because as soon as we tell ourselves, “Okay, slow down . . . I’m good inside . . . my kid is good inside too . . . ,” we intervene differently than we would if we allowed our frustration and anger to dictate our decisions.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“I believe you can be firm and warm, boundaried and validating, focused on connection while acting as a sturdy authority.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“In my work with patients, I often say that two things are true: practical, solution-based strategies can also promote deeper healing.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“many parents see behavior as the measure of who our kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need. What if we saw behavior as an expression of needs, not identity? Then, rather than shaming our kids for their shortcomings, making them feel unseen and alone, we could help them access their internal goodness, improving their behavior along the way.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“This type of leadership is what every child craves—someone they can trust to steer them down the right path. It’s what makes them feel safe, what allows them to find calm, and what leads to the development of emotion regulation and resilience. Providing a safe space to try and fail without worrying they’ll be seen as “bad” is what will allow your children to learn and grow, and to ultimately feel more connected to you.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“This is very different from the circuit built by nurturing resilience: “Discomfort happens, discomfort is where I learn. I am not scared of discomfort because I learned to tolerate it in my childhood—because my parent tolerated it in me.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“As a parent, I challenge myself to sit with my child in his feeling of distress so he knows he isn’t alone, as opposed to pulling my child out of this moment, which leaves him alone the next time he finds himself there.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“So if our general goal is to support and not solve, or tolerate and not escape, then to build resilience in our kids, we should be guided by one question: am I helping my kid tolerate and work through this distress, or am I encouraging my child to avoid and beeline out of the distress? We want the first, not the second.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Place your hand on your heart and say these words: “I am both working on myself and working to take care of my family. I’m trying to rewire the patterns that do not benefit me and I’m trying to wire my kids, from the start, for resilience and feeling at home in themselves. Wow. I am doing so much.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“The emotions parents connect to—meaning the ones we are interested in and will stay present for—tell children that the parts of them feeling these feelings are manageable, lovable, and worthy; the emotions we shut down, punish, reject, or try to make into something “more pleasant,” well, children learn that the parts of them feeling these feelings are destructive, bad, unlovable, or “too much.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Refusal to apologize is a classic example of shame: it presents as cold and unempathic when, in fact, in these moments, a child is overwhelmed with “badness” and freezes up. She cannot apologize because to do so she’d have to “see” herself as the person who just did something awful, and she’d have to face the unwanted feeling of being unlovable to others.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Here’s an intervention that’s aimed at shame detection and reduction: “Hmm . . . it’s hard to find your ‘I’m sorry’ voice. I have times like that too. I’ll use it for you before you find it again.” Then you, the parent, go to your other child and say, “I’m sorry I took your lovie. I know that was upsetting. Is there anything I can do to make it better?” And then—and this is key—no dart eyes, no lecture, no “See, that was easy!” Just trust—yes, TRUST—that this sank in and move on. Maybe later in the day, when you see that shame is no longer present (you’ll notice because your child is back to her playful self), you can say something like, “Apologizing is hard. It’s even hard for me and I’m an adult!”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Boundaries are not what we tell kids not to do; boundaries are what we tell kids we will do.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“parents see behavior as the measure of who our kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“focusing on a child’s impact on us sets the stage for codependence, not regulation or empathy.)”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“if I look for perfect, I’ll miss growth . . . and I’m a pretty big fan of growth.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be