Good Inside Quotes

“Try these approaches: Describe: “You’re building a tower,” or “You’re coloring with a red crayon.” Mimic: If your child is drawing a flower, grab your own piece of paper, sit near her, and draw your own flower. No need for any words. When you mirror, you show your child that you’re paying full attention and they are valuable and interesting to you. Reflective listening: When your child says, “I want to play trucks!” respond with, “You want to play trucks!” If your child says, “The pig wants to come into the barn,” say back, “That pig wants to go into the barn, huh?”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“are scripts for introducing PNP Time: For younger kids: “Let’s have some PNP Time! I’m going to put my phone in another room so I can really focus on being with you. It’ll be just us, and you can choose what we do!” For older kids: “Hey, sweetie. You know what? I need PNP Time with you—just you and me, with my phone far away—because I know it’s annoying when it makes noise and distracts me. How about later today we get some time just us? It will last for ten to fifteen minutes, and you can pick what we do.” Remember, PNP Time is focused on your child’s world. Try to avoid asking questions; instead, join in your child’s ideas. If this feels unnatural, that’s okay! Most parents are unused to engaging in this way.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Heston, our oldest, is suddenly saying he’s stupid and has no friends, and whenever we try to talk to him about it he says we don’t understand and slams his bedroom door. Izzy, our four-year-old, is hysterical every morning when we drop her at preschool. It’s so draining and such an awful way to start the day. PLEASE HELP!”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Our kids don’t listen to us, and it feels like we’re in an endless cycle of tantrums with our four-year-old and rudeness with our seven-year-old.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“And here’s something else I know: You’re going to mess up. You’re going to yell. You’re going to say something and think, “Ugh, why did I say that? I didn’t want to say that!” But that’s okay. You are not defined by your reactivity or your moments of depletion or your latest behavior. You are a parent who is good inside, and you are working on yourself at the same time as you are giving to your kids.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Here’s a list of small self-care activities to get you started: Drink one glass of water in the morning Meditate for two minutes Drink your coffee while it’s hot Cook yourself a legitimate breakfast Listen to calming music Read a few pages of a book Have a good cry Take five hot cocoa breaths while seated Rest in child’s pose Color Talk to a friend Brush your hair Journal”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“How to Do It Tell yourself, “Someone else is allowed to be upset when I assert myself; this doesn’t make them a bad person and it doesn’t make me unable to uphold my decision.” Visualize yourself on one side of a tennis court and someone else on the other side. Remind yourself, “I am over here . . . I have my need and my decision on my side. He is over THERE, on his own side. His feelings about my decisions . . . those are on HIS side of the court, not mine. I can see them, I can even empathize with them . . . but I didn’t cause them and I don’t need to make them go away.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Remember, we cannot pour energy into our kids if we have no energy to give. We cannot exude patience if we don’t show ourselves patience. We cannot change externally until we have rewired internally. The quality of our relationships with others is only as good as the quality of the relationship we have with ourselves.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“But a simple reframe can transform self-care into something empowering and hopeful: “I have an opportunity. I can heal things within myself at the same time as I parent my kids in a way I feel proud of. I can do both at the same time.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Selfless parenting is parenting by a leader without a self, and that idea is terrifying to a child.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“What do I want my kids to say instead? How about: “My mom? She knew when she needed time for herself and balanced that with meeting my needs,” or “My mom was an awesome model for self-care. She taught me the importance of taking care of myself, and how to do that while still being connected to someone else.” Or maybe even, “My mom showed me that parenthood doesn’t mean losing yourself. Parenthood means helping your child develop and grow while you yourself are developing and growing at the same time.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Here are some things I don’t want my children to say about me when they’re older: “My mom? She did everything for me,” or “My mom always put me first,” or “My mom never took care of herself, she was too busy caring for us.” I hope they never say any version of, “My mom ran herself into the ground while she parented me.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“If your child shares a feeling—with words (“I feel sad”) or an expression (crying, angry look on his face)—respond with acknowledgment, validation, and permission to feel. And if your child asks a question that you know has a tough answer, maybe start your response by saying, “That’s such an important question. I am going to tell you the answer. It might feel hard to hear, but as we talk, I’m right here with you.” In those moments, you might want to collect yourself before answering. “That’s a great question and I want to give you a great answer. I need some time to get back to you—but I absolutely will because answering your questions is so important.” The key here is to go back to your child with a response when you’re ready, even if your child doesn’t bring it up again. If you don’t, your child will be left with more fear, because he’ll be alone with the feelings and knowledge that inspired him to ask the question in the first place. Finally, remember: it’s okay to cry. Label your feelings as your own and remind your child that you’re still their strong parent who is here for them, even when your own feelings are pretty big. Because none of us is immune to emotion. Showing our children that we feel the tough stuff, that we struggle with it and still get through, is truly the best lesson you can give them.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Say this slowly and with eye contact. Afterward, take a deep breath—this will ground your body and also give your child an opportunity to “borrow” this regulation from you in a tough moment. Next, use real words, not euphemisms, to describe what’s happening. This means saying, “Grandpa died today. Dying means the body stops working,” rather than “Grandpa isn’t here anymore,” or “Grandpa went to sleep for a long time.” After you’ve delivered a hard truth, pause. Before giving more information, check in with your child. You might ask, “How does it feel to talk about this?” or say, “It’s okay to be sad about this. I feel sad too.” Maybe you just look at your child with a supportive glance, placing your hand on his back.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“I often say something like: “I want to talk about something that we’ll all have big feelings about.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Let’s take something bigger. Maybe you tell your child that his grandmother has cancer. He asks, “But is she going to be okay? Is she going to get all better?” Telling the truth about “I don’t know” would sound like this: “What a great question. I hope she gets better, sweetie. And the truth is that . . . we don’t know. We don’t know if she will get better. What I do know is that I will tell you the truth, even if it feels uncomfortable, and that I am here for you with all the feelings you have about this.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Talking honestly with our children about what we don’t know is an important iteration of the “tell the truth” principle.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“So try to catch your “My kid isn’t ready for this!” reflex and remind yourself, “Ready or not, the foundation is already there.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Next, let’s think about questions—what are we to do when our kids ask questions that makes us feel uncomfortable, that feel too “mature” for their age? Questions like, “Are you going to die one day?” and “Okay, but how does the baby get into the belly? Like actually get in there?”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Want your daughter to stand up for herself when she’s uncomfortable in a hookup or dating scenario? If, when she was a child, her parents validated her perceptions and wired her for self-trust, she’ll be more inclined to say, “No, I’m not comfortable with that,” or “Stop. I don’t like that.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“I often have to remind myself: “Only say what happened. Name what’s true, and nothing more complicated.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“When I find myself in a “tell the truth” situation with my own kids, I often start with these words: “________ happened. You were right to notice that.” This is critical. Our children are deep sensors and perceivers of their environment. They simply haven’t amassed enough life experience to differentiate what is dangerous from what is merely annoying from what is safe. In fact, research has found that children notice more details in their environment than adults. We often tell ourselves stories such as “My child is too young to have noticed that,” or “There’s no way he picked up on that,” but . . . no. If you’ve noticed something in your environment, your child has too. Children are, generally, helpless—they are keen observers because noticing changes (i.e., potential threats) is what allows them to seek safety.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“What’s an alternative to leaving a child feeling alone? Clear, direct, honest information shared while connected to you, your child’s loving, trusted adult. This is what helps kids feel safe and build resilience.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Unformulated experience is terrifying to a child, because that “something’s not right” feeling free-floats around the body without an anchor of safety. Plus, when kids are left to make sense of a scary change on their own, they usually rely on the methods that give them control: self-blame (“I must have done something to cause this. I’m bad, I’m too much”) and self-doubt (“I must have misunderstood the tension around me. I am not such a good feeler of things. If something really was different, my parents would explain it to me”).”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Parents often fear that telling their kids the truth will be too scary or overwhelming, but we tend to have it all wrong when it comes to what scares children. It’s not information so much as feeling confused and alone in the absence of information that terrifies them.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“This might sound like a silly principle, an obvious one—perhaps my most straightforward idea in this book—and yet, telling the truth is surprisingly tricky to put into practice. Speaking to your kids honestly, without vagaries or avoidance, requires sitting with a lot of your own feelings, even the unpleasant ones, for the benefit of your children. And that’s something that’s hard for most of us.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Shame is a warning sign of aloneness, danger, and badness; connection is a sign of presence, safety, and goodness. Now, to be clear, connection does not mean approval. Approval is usually about a specific behavior; connection is about our relationship with the person underneath the behavior.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“She explained it to me this way: “It seems that the underlying theme of everything you talk about is connection. Connection first, everything else second. My son says, ‘I hate you!’—I can still connect first to what’s happening inside. My daughter isn’t listening to me—I can connect with her having a hard time listening instead of trying to force her to comply, which of course never works anyway. Even my husband, when he is mad at me about something, I can connect to what he’s saying before defending myself. And with myself! No matter what I’m feeling or thinking, it never becomes bad or overwhelming if I can add my own connection or connection with others to it. ‘Connection first’ has helped me in every area of my family life.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Here’s an intervention that doesn’t help to reduce shame: “Irha, you have to say sorry. It’s a simple word! You’re making the situation worse! How could you care so little about your sister? COME ON!” Here, Irha is put in the “bad kid” role and spirals further into her badness, and further into her frozen shame state. Here’s an intervention that’s aimed at shame detection and reduction: “Hmm . . . it’s hard to find your ‘I’m sorry’ voice. I have times like that too. I’ll use it for you before you find it again.” Then you, the parent, go to your other child and say, “I’m sorry I took your lovie. I know that was upsetting. Is there anything I can do to make it better?”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“But here’s what’s critical to understand about shame: it is an evolutionarily adaptive feeling. Being alone as a child is synonymous with being in danger, so shame works, within the attachment system, as a signal to a child to hide the part of them that does not successfully gain attachment.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be