Good Inside Quotes

“Stepping in with “I won’t let you” and following up to make the “I won’t let you” happen—this is an act of love and protection.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“And yet, in these tantrum moments, kids are developmentally incapable of stopping themselves. If they could stop throwing they would; if they could stop hitting they would; if they could stop biting they would. A dysregulated child needs an adult to step in and provide the containment that they cannot provide for themselves.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Now try this one: “I won’t let you throw water bottles.” These four words—“I won’t let you”—are critical for every parent’s toolbox. “I won’t let you” communicates that a parent is in charge, that a parent will stop a child from continuing to act in a way that is dysregulated and ultimately feels awful. Because we often forget, kids don’t feel good when they are out of control. They don’t enjoy experiencing their body as unable to make good and safe decisions, just as adults don’t enjoy watching ourselves behave in awful ways.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Once you’ve validated the magnitude, pause. Look at your child lovingly. Maybe add, “I’m so glad I know how big it is. It’s so important. I’m here with you.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Maybe your child is struggling to wait her turn for the crayons her sister is using. You might say: “You want those crayons . . . You want them SO big . . . as big as this room! Or no . . . as big as this whole house! What? Oh wow. As big as this whole neighborhood!”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“One great way to do that is by playing what I call the “I have to listen to you now” game. Introduce this by saying, “I know being a kid is tough. There are so many things that parents ask of you! So let’s play a game. For the next five minutes, you’re the adult and I’m the kid. I have to do what you say, assuming it’s safe.” Explain to your child that the game does not involve food or gifts (your child cannot tell you to go buy them a hundred new Pokémon packs or give them thirty bags of Skittles)—it’s really about the routine of your day. But the details here aren’t important. What’s important is to reverse roles, allow your child to experiment with the position of powerful adult, and express empathy for the difficulties of being a child. While you play the game, exaggerate how hard it is to listen to your “parent”; voice things like, “Ughhhhhh, really? I have to clean up the Magna-Tiles? I don’t waaaaaaant to,” and “Ughhhhh, I wish I didn’t have to take a shower right now!” I find this game useful for myself as well—it reminds me how hard it can be to take orders when you don’t want to do something.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“the Close Your Eyes Hack. This trick gives our kids the core elements they need in order to want to listen to us—it infuses respect, trust, independence, control, and playfulness all at once. Here’s what it looks like: “I am going to close my eyes”—then place your hands over your eyes—“and all I’m saying is that if there is a child with his shoes on when I open my eyes . . . oh my goodness, if there is a child all Velcroed up . . . I just don’t know what I am going to do! I am going to be so confused! I may even—oh no oh no—have to do a silly jumpy dance and wiggle all around and I may even fall on the floor!” Then pause. Wait.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Oh no . . . your listening ears are lost! Okay, wait, I think I found them. Oh my goodness, can you believe this . . . I found them in this plant! How did they get there? Let’s get them back on your body before they sprout into a flower!”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Humor allows for a change in perspective, which is what we’re looking for when we ask things of our kids. When we infuse playfulness instead of frustration, we join our children in the world they always prefer—one filled with silliness, lightheartedness, and laughter. Frankly, it’s a world we want to be a part of as well.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“We can leave Abby’s house now or you can play one more card game together. I’ll leave it up to you . . . After one more game? Okay. I know you’ll follow through with that choice, so that’s fine with me.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“If you can give your child the agency to make a choice, they’ll be more likely to cooperate. No one likes feeling dictated to, especially children, who already feel controlled so much of the”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Wow, you’ve been working so hard on that tower. I know it’s going to be tricky to pause and take a bath. If we do a quick bath now, you will have time to build more before bed.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Feeling seen is a powerful bonding tool, and feeling close to someone motivates us to want to cooperate with them. When we verbally acknowledge what our child is doing in the moment, it’s as if we’re saying, “I see you: you are a real person with real wants and thoughts and feelings.” We send the message that we are listening to our child in this moment, which allows them to return the favor and listen to us.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO WHAT I AM SAYING?”—well, the answer is no, kids are not “listening” in these moments. And that’s not a sign of disrespect or disobedience but rather the body entering into an animal defensive freeze state. But we don’t want our kids to be scared of us, and we don’t want them to freeze in the very moments we are trying to get them to work with us (reminder: you’re still a good parent if you do yell, and after yelling, you can repair). When we infuse connection, respect, playfulness, and trust into our asks, exchanges that once felt antagonistic start to be met with cooperation.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“There’s a second element to the not-listening problem too. My oldest son made this point once: “Parents are always asking kids to stop doing something fun to do something less fun. That’s why kids don’t listen.” I think he’s right.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“The next time you find yourself drowning in an emotion you’d rather avoid, remind yourself to acknowledge, validate, permit. If there’s a secret recipe for self-regulation, that’s it.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“what we want to wire into our kids’ bodies as early as possible: you won’t always have answers, but you can always work on feeling safe and competent in the present moment.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“If safety is our primary destination, boundaries are the pathway we use to get there. Boundaries,”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Parents have the job of establishing safety through boundaries, validation, and empathy. Children have the job of exploring and learning, through experiencing and expressing their emotions. And when it comes to jobs, we all have to stay in our lanes. Our kids should not dictate our boundaries and we should not dictate their feelings.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“behaviors (what we do) from identity (who we are).”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“shame is a sticky emotion that makes us feel unsafe, so the more we convince ourselves that one thing is true and that thing is that I’m a bad parent, the more we dig ourselves into a hole, act in ways that don’t feel good, and become even more convinced of our unworthiness.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Here’s an example of a repair with all four components: “I keep thinking about earlier today [reflection], when I came into the playroom after you knocked over your sister’s tower. I’m sure you were upset about something to have knocked it down [acknowledgment]. I’m sorry I yelled. I wish I had asked more about what was going on for you instead [what to do differently]. Can I have a redo? Can you tell me what was happening before you knocked it down? It’s important. I’d love to listen and understand [curiosity].”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“And yes, there is a difference between repairing and apologizing. Oftentimes, apologies attempt to shut down a conversation (“I’m sorry I yelled. Okay, can we move on?”), but a good repair opens one up. A repair goes further than an apology, because it looks to reestablish a close connection after a moment when someone feels hurt, misunderstood, or alone. The words “I’m sorry” might be part of a repair, but they are rarely the entirety of the experience.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“I often think that healthy relationships are defined not by a lack of rupture but by how well we repair.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Script for “Did I Ever Tell You About the Time . . . ?” Identify the essence of your child’s struggle. (Is it hard for her to feel happy for other people’s accomplishments? Hard to stay engaged when math feels hard and frustrating?) Take on the problem as your own: remember a moment, in the recent past or when you were a child, when you struggled with something similar. Talk to your child not in the heat of the moment but when things are calm, starting with, “Did I ever tell you about the time . . . ?,” and share a story about yourself having a similar struggle. Engage your child in this story, ideally one where you didn’t come up with a quick fix but struggled and just kind of got through it. Do not end your story by directly relating it to your child. There’s no need to spell out, “Isn’t that just like when you . . . ?” Allow the story and moment to stand on their own, trusting that it will reach the part of your child that needed connection.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Playfulness Parenting can feel really serious. There are so many logistics (“You have school, then I’ll pick you up and take you to the dentist, then drop you at soccer, then homework, dinner, and early to bed, okay?”), and it’s easy to get locked into a relationship with your child that feels exasperating, frustrating, and just plain unenjoyable. In my practice, I find that an element missing in lots of families is playfulness. Silliness. Ridiculousness. FUN.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Emotional Vaccination to Prepare for the End of Screen Time Parent: “Before we begin screen time, let’s think about how it’s going to feel when we end. It’s hard to stop things we love, right? For me too.” Child: “Can you just turn the show on now?” Parent: “We will, soon. I’m going to take a deep breath now and get my body ready for when we stop watching screens.” Model this pause. “Also . . . I’m wondering if we can get out some of those end-of-screen-time protests now, to get our bodies ready.” Find a lighthearted, but not mocking, tone as you protest: “Five more minutes! My friends get so much more! I was just about to . . . please please . . . you never let me do anything I want to do!” What are you doing here? You’re infusing connection and silliness into a difficult transition before it happens. This doesn’t mean that at the end of the show, your child will say, “Here’s the iPad, Mom, easy-breezy!”; it does mean that you’re building the skill of managing tough emotions, and there will be a moment soon that your child looks at you and says, “Aw, I wish I could watch another episode!” instead of screaming and throwing a remote control.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“Script for Introducing the Fill-Up Game Tell your child, “I don’t think you are filled up with Mommy/Daddy right now. I think Mommy is only up to your ankles! Let’s fill you up!” Give your child a long tight squeeze. “How about now? Whaaaat? Only to your knees? Okay, round two . . .” Squeeze your child again; maybe grimace, as if you’re using all your might. “What? Only to your belly? I thought I got higher with that squeeze! Okay, more Mommy coming, round three . . .” Once you or your child feels filled up, give one more squeeze, saying: “Okay, well let me give you some extra, just in case. There are so many changes these days, it’s probably good to have some extra Mommy stored up in there.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“The next time your child’s behavior is making you want to run in the opposite direction, try introducing the Fill-Up Game. Offer the idea that your child’s defiant behavior is the result of not being filled up with Mommy (or Daddy), and so it must be time to get a big dose. Add silliness and laughter.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

“PNP Time makes kids feel important and loved, and once those feelings are in place, improved behavior will eventually follow.”
― Becky Kennedy, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be