Attachment Theory Quotes

“1. Identify the meaning you give to a situation. 2. Express using the following: “When _____________________________ (insert the situation) happened, I interpreted it to mean ______________________________ (insert the meaning you gave to it), and I felt ___________________________________ (insert the emotion you experienced).” 3. Identify what you need from your loved one and the strategy they can use to meet that need better. 4. Express using the following: “I need you to _____________________________ (insert what you need). You can do this by ___________________________________ (insert the “how”/strategy they can use).”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Fearful-Avoidant is generally very loving and giving, and the Dismissive-Avoidant can warm up to this connection. However, the Dismissive-Avoidant can be aloof and not want as much closeness as their partner. Even though both styles of attachment cause each partner to derive security from their own individual space, the Fearful-Avoidant’s anxious side is usually triggered by their Dismissive-Avoidant partner, and they will therefore become more anxious and reliant on their partner. The Dismissive-Avoidant will not feel guilt or remorse if space is taken; however, the Fearful-Avoidant may shut down and feel neglected when the Dismissive-Avoidant pulls away.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Fearful-Avoidant is often a very present and charming partner in the early stages of a relationship. They are dialed into human behavior and know what their partner is looking for. It is not uncommon for the Fearful-Avoidant to morph into what they believe their partner wants as a strategy to feel accepted and worthy of love.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Conflict is a necessary part of human interaction. It is how we break down invisible walls and perceived imbalances in a relationship. Conflict often creates deeper bonds between two individuals when effectively resolved, and it can still take place between two securely attached individuals.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Ultimately, attachment theory helps one understand the ways in which people function on an individual level and while interacting with one another. Although attachment theory has a variety of applications, it tends to be especially useful in couples’ therapy. Since each attachment style has generalized trends, understanding your or your partner’s coping mechanisms, subconscious beliefs, and perceptions can relieve substantial communication issues. For example, in a relationship, the Dismissive-Avoidant may be withdrawn, autonomous, and seemingly independent. To the Dismissive-Avoidant, they are functioning as they always have—on their own. To an Anxious Attachment, however, it may feel as though their partner is on the verge of abandoning them and may cause serious emotional distress. However, the Dismissive-Avoidant’s coping mechanisms don’t necessarily mean they are detaching from the relationship—they are actually just detaching from their own emotions. Now, although none of these behaviors are necessarily healthy in a relationship, understanding why they occur is the first step. Once partners understand each other’s coping mechanisms and vulnerabilities, they can begin to supply their partner with the things that they do need. For example, the Dismissive-Avoidant needs continuous and unwavering emotional support and validation. Since they were emotionally neglected as a child, they need to slowly learn that they can consistently and predictably rely on others. The Anxious Attachment individual needs reassurance and affection to understand that they are good enough and that they won’t be rejected. The simple knowledge of the pain points of your partner and the pain points that lie within yourself opens up a whole stream of communication that you previously were unable to tap into—because your conscious mind didn’t even know it was there. Moreover, your attachment style also interacts with what Dr. Gary Chapman describes as your “Love Language.” Just as there are different spoken languages, and different dialects present within the spoken languages, Love Languages are different ways that people express and receive love or gratitude when they interact with others, whether with a romantic partner or with friends and family. According to Dr. Chapman’s book, they consist of five different kinds of expressions: 1. Words of affirmation 2. Acts of service 3. Giving and receiving gifts 4. Quality time 5. Physical touch Given the attachment style of each partner in a relationship, certain expressions may be better received. Attachment theory applies to a variety of circumstances and works well paired with other theories to make couples therapy a more holistic experience. The following chapters will dive into what your attachment style is, what it means, and how it functions in all aspects of your life—from your romantic relationships to your friendships with coworkers.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“The core wounds for this attachment style revolve around feeling unworthy, being taken advantage of, and feeling unsafe.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Cognitive reframing is the process of actively or voluntarily shifting your perspective to view an issue or situation from a more objective space.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“people are very rarely arguing about being right or wrong; they’re more often arguing about being seen and heard. People feel so much pain in intense conflict with those they care about because, when someone has a different perspective, our subconscious perceives it as our feelings being treated as invalid. This ultimately feeds conflict.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Identify the meaning you give to a situation. 2. Express using the following: “When _____________________________ (insert the situation) happened, I interpreted it to mean ______________________________ (insert the meaning you gave to it), and I felt ___________________________________ (insert the emotion you experienced).” 3. Identify what you need from your loved one and the strategy they can use to meet that need better.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“It is possible to validate a person’s feelings without validating their behavior.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Research into the subconscious mind has discovered that, for roughly the first seven years of life, the brain is in an almost hypnotic state. In the years of early childhood, the brain produces mostly alpha and theta brainwaves while awake—the same brain waves produced under hypnosis.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“A helpful question to ask yourself when considering your automatic thoughts is: What meaning am I giving to this situation, and can I absolutely know this is true?”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Since memory is colored by emotion, finding contradictory evidence in our past and present and pairing it with the emotions associated with that experience allows us to begin reprogramming our subconscious. Essentially, finding proof of the opposite helps to equilibrate our subconscious, and from there, it can be taught new and updated beliefs.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Firstly, the past is fundamentally static. Once it has occurred, arguing does nothing but prevent people from investing their energy into finding a collective solution that gets their needs met.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“we come to see that every action is a subconscious strategy to get our needs met, yet we can only meet these needs once we trace them back to their origins and identify them.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Conflict is largely the result of unmet needs that we aren’t consciously aware of.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Although it may seem straightforward to witness your emotions, some find it difficult at first because they have been living their whole lives viewing their emotions as an automatic, uncontrollable response rather than as information. The act of witnessing your emotions is important in all aspects and areas of your life, not just in arguments with friends or significant others. Without witnessing emotions, you are at their mercy—rather than taking the chance to learn from them and inquire about what they’re trying to tell you.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“If someone recalled a painful or traumatic memory, the prefrontal cortex and neocortex became less active, and their “reptilian brain” was activated. The former areas of the brain are responsible for conscious thought, spatial reasoning, and higher functions such as sensory perception. The latter is responsible for fight-or-flight responses. This means that the bodily responses caused by your emotions provide an opportunity for you to be mindful of them.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“The highs of this relationship can be intense connection and intoxicating closeness. However, the lows can include unpredictability for both parties. Argumentative behavior and difficulty communicating are not uncommon.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“However, the Dismissive-Avoidant will not respond to the Fearful-Avoidant with an outburst of emotion—something that would be especially triggering to the Fearful-Avoidant. In a sense, this would introduce stability into the relationship, to which the Fearful-Avoidant is unaccustomed. This would be a high of the relationship—an absence of a feeling of “unsafe” for the Fearful-Avoidant.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“The Fearful-Avoidant and Dismissive-Avoidant will likely have a difficult relationship. The Dismissive-Avoidant will not provide the intense, emotional fulfillment that the Fearful-Avoidant looks for. This can lead to the Fearful-Avoidant feeling rejected and withdrawing over time, creating more distance in the relationship. Moreover, the Dismissive-Avoidant will likely feel overwhelmed by the Fearful-Avoidant’s strong presence. This could result in frustration for both parties and emotional chaos in the relationship.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Regardless of whether the relationship is romantic, platonic, or familial, the Anxious Attachment will continue to sacrifice their needs to get closer to the Dismissive-Avoidant. This will cause internal conflict in the Anxious Attachment because their subconscious will continuously be told to forgo emotional connection when that is what they thirst for the most.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Recall that the subconscious always attempts to re-create what it “knows.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Someone with an Anxious attachment style is very likely to self-sabotage in relationships of all kinds due to the fear of abandonment that they have as a core wound. Since they experienced inconsistency in childhood through both parental presence and absence, they subconsciously fear that their partner will abandon”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“The Fearful-Avoidant appears warm, is hypersensitive to what others think, and is readily available to please the Dismissive-Avoidant. The”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“To adapt, this individual is a keen observer and becomes hypervigilant, especially about human behavior. They will quickly and without trying notice microexpressions, body language, and changes in intonation. The Fearful-Avoidant learns this hyperawareness to protect themselves from potential conflict.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“We tend to have a primary attachment style, most associated with how we show up in romantic relationships, that plays a large role in our personality structure. This essentially dictates how we give and receive love and what our subconscious expectations are of others.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Your subconscious essentially comes to believe what it perceives it is told over time.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“This is because attachment styles exist along a spectrum. This is why an individual’s attachment style can flex in different relationships”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“the Dismissive-Avoidant needs continuous and unwavering emotional support and validation. Since they were emotionally neglected as a child, they need to slowly learn that they can consistently and predictably rely on others.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life