Never Split the Difference Quotes

“But as soon as I became “Chris,” everything changed.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“How does this affect everybody else? How on board is the rest of your team? How do we make sure that we deliver the right material to the right people? How do we ensure the managers of those we’re training are fully on board?”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“but because they made sure the kidnappers—our counterparts—were all on the same page.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Don’t try to force your opponent to admit that you are right. Aggressive confrontation is the enemy of constructive negotiation. ■​Avoid questions that can be answered with “Yes” or tiny pieces of information. These require little thought and inspire the human need for reciprocity; you will be expected to give something back. ■​Ask calibrated questions that start with the words “How” or “What.” By implicitly asking the other party for help, these questions will give your counterpart an illusion of control and will inspire them to speak at length, revealing important information. ■​Don’t ask questions that start with “Why” unless you want your counterpart to defend a goal that serves you. “Why” is always an accusation, in any language. ■​Calibrate your questions to point your counterpart toward solving your problem. This will encourage them to expend their energy on devising a solution. ■​Bite your tongue. When you’re attacked in a negotiation, pause and avoid angry emotional reactions. Instead, ask your counterpart a calibrated question. ■​There is always a team on the other side. If you are not influencing those behind the table, you are vulnerable.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“No”-oriented email question to reinitiate contact: “Have you given up on settling this amicably?” 2.​A statement that leaves only the answer of “That’s right” to form a dynamic of agreement: “It seems that you feel my bill is not justified.” 3.​Calibrated questions about the problem to get him to reveal his thinking: “How does this bill violate our agreement?” 4.​More “No”-oriented questions to remove unspoken barriers: “Are you saying I misled you?” “Are you saying I didn’t do as you asked?” “Are you saying I reneged on our agreement?” or “Are you saying I failed you?” 5.​Labeling and mirroring the essence of his answers if they are not acceptable so he has to consider them again: “It seems like you feel my work was subpar.” Or “. . . my work was subpar?” 6.​A calibrated question in reply to any offer other than full payment, in order to get him to offer a solution: “How am I supposed to accept that?” 7.​If none of this gets an offer of full payment, a label that flatters his sense of control and power: “It seems like you are the type of person who prides himself on the way he does business—rightfully so—and has a knack for not only expanding the pie but making the ship run more efficiently.” 8.​A long pause and then one more “No”-oriented question: “Do you want to be known as someone who doesn’t fulfill agreements?”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“When you originally approved this trip, what did you have in mind?”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“What about this is important to you? ■​How can I help to make this better for us? ■​How would you like me to proceed? ■​What is it that brought us into this situation? ■​How can we solve this problem? ■​What’s the objective? / What are we trying to accomplish here? ■​How am I supposed to do that?”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Like the softening words and phrases “perhaps,” “maybe,” “I think,” and “it seems,” the calibrated open-ended question takes the aggression out of a confrontational statement or close-ended request that might otherwise anger your counterpart.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“told her to engage them in a conversation where she summarized the situation and then asked, “How am I supposed to do that?”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“How am I supposed to do that?”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Robert Estabrook once said, “He who has learned to disagree without being disagreeable has discovered the most valuable secret of negotiation.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Giving your counterpart the illusion of control by asking calibrated questions—by asking for help—is one of the most powerful tools for suspending unbelief.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Ask: “What does it take to be successful here?”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“liars use more words than truth tellers and use far more third-person pronouns”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“I’m sorry,” the nephew responded, “but how are we supposed to pay if you’re going to hurt her?”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“So start out with an accusation audit acknowledging all of their fears.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“stumbled upon the book How to Become a Rainmaker,”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Here’s how I use it: Early on in a negotiation, I say, “I want you to feel like you are being treated fairly at all times. So please stop me at any time if you feel I’m being unfair, and we’ll address it.” It’s simple and clear and sets me up as an”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“basically accuse you of being dense or dishonest by saying, “We’ve given you a fair offer.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Effective Pauses: Silence is powerful. We told Benjie to use it for emphasis, to encourage Sabaya to keep talking until eventually, like clearing out a swamp, the emotions were drained from the dialogue. 2.​Minimal Encouragers: Besides silence, we instructed using simple phrases, such as “Yes,” “OK,” “Uh-huh,” or “I see,” to effectively convey that Benjie was now paying full attention to Sabaya and all he had to say. 3.​Mirroring: Rather than argue with Sabaya and try to separate Schilling from the “war damages,” Benjie would listen and repeat back what Sabaya said. 4.​Labeling: Benjie should give Sabaya’s feelings a name and identify with how he felt. “It all seems so tragically unfair, I can now see why you sound so angry.” 5.​Paraphrase: Benjie should repeat what Sabaya is saying back to him in Benjie’s own words. This, we told him, would powerfully show him you really do understand and aren’t merely parroting his concerns. 6.​Summarize: A good summary is the combination of rearticulating the meaning of what is said plus the acknowledgment of the emotions underlying that meaning (paraphrasing + labeling = summary). We told Benjie he needed to listen and repeat the “world according to Abu Sabaya.” He needed to fully and completely summarize all the nonsense that Sabaya had come up with about war damages and fishing rights and five hundred years of oppression. And once he did that fully and completely, the only possible response for Sabaya, and anyone faced with a good summary, would be “that’s right.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Before you convince them to see what you’re trying to accomplish, you have to say the things to them that will get them to say, “That’s right.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“It was a paramedic approach: patch them up and send them on their way.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“What about this doesn’t work for you?” “What would you need to make it work?” “It seems like there’s something here that bothers you.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“When someone tells you “No,” you need to rethink the word in one of its alternative—and much more real—meanings: ■​I am not yet ready to agree; ■​You are making me feel uncomfortable; ■​I do not understand; ■​I don’t think I can afford it; ■​I want something else; ■​I need more information; or ■​I want to talk it over with someone else.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“It comes down to the deep and universal human need for autonomy. People need to feel in control. When you preserve a person’s autonomy by clearly giving them permission to say “No” to your ideas, the emotions calm, the effectiveness of the decisions go up, and the other party can really look at your proposal.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Come on,” I said. “There has to be something I can do.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Many of us wear fears upon fears, like layers against the cold, so getting to safety takes time.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“In these difficult times, we understand our fans have been hit hard and we are here to work with you,” and asked the ticket holders to call back to talk through their “unique situation.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“Better yesterday than today,” he said and walked away.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It

“It was a stupid question, on my part. A mistake. For a mirror to be effective, you’ve got to let it sit there and do its work. It needs a bit of silence.”
― Chris Voss, Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if Your Life Depended on It