Hurricane Punch Quotes

“But you have to understand, mental illness is like cholesterol. There is is good kind and the bad. Without the good kind- less flavor to life. Van Gogh, Beethoven, Edgar Allen Poe, Sylvia Plath, Pink Floyd (the early Piper at the Gates of Dawn line up), scientific breakthroughs, spiritual revolution, utopian visions, zany nationalism that kills millions- wait, that’s the bad kind. Tim Dorsey (Hurricane Punch)”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“Remember the key to life,” Serge shouted over the engine. “Always act like you deserve to be here.”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“If you ever get in a relationship, the key to fighting is, never respond. Don’t take the bait. You’ll still get shit for not answering, but it’s a smaller pile. Just let them win, because they always win anyway. That’s the big secret to women: They’re genetically built to win. We’re built to watch TV. Better to forfeit at the beginning instead of letting it fester into a three-day thing.”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“Speaking of names, a word to parents: Stop using alternate spellings for your kids. Aimee, Eryn, Bil, Derik. You’re only costing jobs. The whole customized-coffee-mug and key-chain industry. An entire generation is being robbed of their roadside-Florida-souvenir heritage. “Daddy, why don’t they ever have my name? I see something close, but it’s spelled different.” “Sorry, honey, we decided to be pricks.”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“Far too quickly we grow into jaded adults and lose our appreciation for silliness.”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“Near the end they give you morphine. I’m looking forward to that.” Serge turned another page. “You might want to bottle some of that excess ambition for the afterlife.”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“Hey, did you know that in the parking diagram on Tampa International’s website, they misspelled Lindbergh’s name? Instills that confidence in flying.”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“There’s always a way out.”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“There’s the landmark Columbia Restaurant. Try the paella, or the 1905 salad. That virgin olive oil they use!” Serge kissed his fingertips. “Know why it’s called the 1905 salad? That’s the year they first opened. Very historic. Over a hundred years in the same spot. And you know what that means? Everyone who ate those first salads: all dead.”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“Americans tend to overanalyze. Like during the space race, NASA spent fifty thousand dollars developing a zero-gravity pen that didn’t skip. Know what the Russians did? Pencil. Think about”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time.’ So I’m a pro-life-choice NRA gun-control nut who wants schools to pray for the separation of church and state. For the love of God, I just want all of us to start getting along!”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“It was really about insurance costs and the ability of wealth to make working America dance like organ-grinder monkeys. We may not have a drug-free country yet, but we’re well on the way to a dignity-free country.”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“You never stop being Catholic. It’s like the Mafia or Amway.”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“Candles and waterproof matches.” “Check.” “Weather radio, flashlight, batteries…” “Check, check, check…” “Hurricane-tracking chart, potable water, freeze-dried food, can opener, organic toilet paper, sensible clothes, upbeat reading material, baseball gloves, compass, whistle, signal mirror, first-aid kit, snake-bite kit, mess kit, malaria tablets, smelling salts, flints, splints, solar survival blanket, edible-wild-plant field almanac, trenching tool, semaphores, gas masks, Geiger counter, executive defibrillator, railroad flares, lemons in case of scurvy, Austrian gold coins in case paper money becomes scoffed at, laminated sixteen-language universal hostage-negotiation ‘Kwik-Guide’ (Miami-Dade edition), extra film, extra ammunition, firecrackers, handcuffs, Taser, pepper spray, throwing stars, Flipper lunch box, Eden Roc ashtray, Cypress Gardens felt pennant, alligator snow globe, miniature wooden crate of orange gumballs, acrylic seashell thermometer and pen holder, can of Florida sunshine…” “Check, check, check…. What about my inflatable woman?”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“Oh, I’m not worried,” said Serge. “I’m cookin’! I love hurricane season!”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“June 1. The opening day of the Atlantic hurricane season”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch