Agnes and the Hitman Quotes

“You have to open up to the world and learn optimism...Contentment with the past, happiness with the present, and hope for the future. Learned optimisim.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Any instructions?” Carpenter said.
“Yeah,” Shane said. “Shoot anybody who looks at Agnes funny. And anybody else you don’t like. I’m getting tired of this shi*.”
“Somebody needs a hug,” Carpenter said.
“Humor,” Shane said. “Har.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“I'm talkin' about you. Stop pretending you're normal. You're insane. Make that work for you.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Okay, Shane," Agnes said as Brenda's clock gonged midnight. "I got Joey in the kitchen, a cop in the front hall, a dead body in the basement, and you in my bedroom. Where do you want to start?”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Do not be seduced by those big-box come-ons, full of “complete sets” of extraneous cookware. A complete set is whatever you need, and maybe all you need is a wok and a hot place to grill your bacon. In a pinch, I can do it all with my good heavy nonstick frying pan. Besides the obvious braising, browning, and frying, I can make sauces and stir-fries in it, toast cheese sandwiches and slivered almonds, use the underside to pound cutlets, and in a pinch probably swing it to defend my honor. If I could find a man that versatile and dependable, I’d marry him.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“You got shot at and you still got me an air conditioner.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“What are we going to do with the body?" She had visions of dragging it into the swamp, whispering, "Here, gator, gator," and she made a little sound of distress at the thought.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“So, Mr. Shane, you felt you had the right to come down here and bespoil my crime scene because …” He raised his eyebrows, waiting for an answer. “I thought he might need assistance,” Shane lied. “And the untoward angle of his neck did not tell you that he was beyond any earthly assistance you might render?” “I’m not a doctor, sir,” Shane said. “Neither are you a miracle worker, son,” Xavier said. “Should you find any other bodies in my jurisdiction, you will refrain from attempting to raise them from the dead.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Wow," Agnes said, looking at her bridge.
"Was it good for you?" Lisa Livia said. "It was good for me."
"That bridge was built for tanks," Shane told Agnes proudly. "It'll take your wedding traffic and then some. It's even better than what you had."
"Thank you," Agnes said to him, trying not to sound hero-worship-y.
"But it's temporary," Lisa Livia said, leaning on Carpenter a little.
Carpenter put his arm around her.
"And I'm thinking the price is right," Agnes said, and sipped her coffee as Shane settled his arm around her.
"And my mother is going to have a stroke," Lisa Livia said.
"It's a beautiful bridge," Agnes said, and tried to forget all the hell swirling around her and the need to be practical and not get hurt.
She could be smart tomorrow. Tonight she had a bridge and she was holding on to him.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Where's my Italian lace? Where's my bouffant sleeves? Where's my goddamn hoop skirt?"
The same place as your goddamned morals, you worthless tramp. "It's been modernized, Brenda," Agnes said. "When you pass something on to someone else, you have to expect changes. You don't get it back.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“The muffin halves popped up from the toaster on the counter behind him, and she stood up to get them, the scent of her mixing with the hot yeasty smell of the muffins, and the buttery, peppery smell of the eggs, and the fat, spicy smell of the sausage, and Shane lost track of where he was in conversation.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Leave it to the army to mechanize an erection.” “Laugh now, funny girl,” Shane said. “That’s gonna be a bridge in about a minute.” “And that bridge can hold over sixty tons,” Carpenter said. “So it’s a strong erection,” Lisa Livia said, looking at Carpenter. “Oh,”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Okay, here's my last word: Nobody shoots anybody tonight. We're a team now, one big happy family. We need each other. If everybody shows up here tomorrow breathing and with all working body parts, and I do mean everybody, I'll make breakfast. Anything you want. But if anybody hurts anybody else on the team, I'm going to be upset. Understand?"
Joey and Frankie looked in different directions.
"And nobody wants Agnes upset," Shane said.
Joey and Frankie nodded.
"Good." Agnes shoved her chair back. "Now let's all get some sleep. And somebody check on Garth, please."
"I'll check on the lad," Frankie said, getting up.
"You're not fucking Irish," Joey said, getting up to go with him.
"Family," Agnes said, steel in her voice.
"I can't wait for the holidays," Xavier said, and left them to their slumbers.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Well, nobody ever accused you of having taste," Brenda said, "Bless your heart."
"Taylor," Agnes said. "You can go now. You and the whore you rode in on. Bless her heart."
Brenda exhaled through her teeth.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“You are neglecting a wounded woman," Brenda shrieked from her car, practically strangling herself on her seat belt. "God knows, there's not one gentleman among you!"
"Call on the devil to save you, you limb of Satan," Doyle yelled down. "God couldn't see you if He tried, you black-hearted whore.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Lisa Livia caught one of the tubs of icing as it almost rolled off.
"Ick," she said. "What's on this? It's sort of sticky." She looked closer. "This is blood."
"Well, Shane picked it up for me." Agnes got a paper towel and wiped off the tub.
"Thoughtful of him.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“We're talking Brenda here. Do not give up hope. It is still entirely possible that your mother bashed your father with that frying pan twenty-five years ago, and that he's still deader than a doornail today."
Lisa Livia's lips quirked as she straightened and picked up her glass. "Yeah. No point in hoping that my mother's innocent and my father's alive."
"Exactly." Agnes lifted her glass. "Why look for a silver lining when there might be a cloud? If South Carolina has the death penalty, there could be an orphanage in your future yet.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“She's startin' to show her age, bless her heart," Brenda said with satisfaction.
"She was up all night working on your dress for your granddaughter," Lisa Livia snapped.
"She was up all night ruining my wedding dress," Brenda shot back.
"Bless her heart," Agnes said.
Brenda jerked back to glare at Agnes.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Xavier looked at Shane's outfit of pants, pistol, and no shirt, and then glanced up at the porch. "You sleep outside?"
Shane turned and looked through the screen door. There was no sign of Agnes or the sheets that had been tumbled there. A woman who could wake up fast and then remove evidence slightly. His kind of girl.
"Yep. I like fresh air."
Xavier nodded, his exasperation evaporating into amusement. "Right. Miss Agnes up yet?"
"I wouldn't know."
"Right." Xavier gave a lazy grin and walked around Shane. "Quite a woman, that Miss Agnes."
"Yep," Shane said, following him up the walk.
"Bit sharp-tempered, though."
"I'd call her fiery."
Xavier turned his head toward Shane and nodded amiably. "Fiery. That's good."
They walked up the path, Rhett ambling with them. Xavier trooped up the steps to the porch and spared a glance at the air mattress and Shane's T-shirt, crumpled in a ball. "Restless night, son?"
"Slept like a baby."
"I bet you did," Xavier said, and went into the kitchen.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“My court-appointed psychiatrist says I should vent my anger in nonviolent physical excercise." She smacked him in the chest again, and he winced and caught her wrists.
"You know, Agnes, that's not the hottest thing any woman has ever said to me."
She yanked her wrists free and pounded her fists into his chest again, then let go of his shirt to strip off her dress and throw it on the floor.
He stopped frowning. "Course, it's not the worst thing any woman has ever said to me, either.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Well, that was certainly a disgusting display worthy of your father's family."
"Shut up, Ma," Lisa Livia said, her hands on her hips. "Like you weren't born in the Bronx, and the Fortunatos weren't a big step up for you. Now you listen to me. You try to move this wedding away from Two Rivers again, I'm gonna clean every skeleton out of every closet you got and make them dance, you hear me? I'll dig up everything you ever buried, including my daddy, and then I'll sink that beat-up rowboat you're living on so you'll be out in the street with nothing. Do not fuck with my kid and do not fuck with my friend, they are all the family I got, and they are off-limits to you. Understand?”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Then Agnes came out the front door and down the steps with a tray of drinks, dark curls bouncing and red-rimmed glasses sliding down her nose again, wearing some kind of red dress with straps that tied on her shoulders and a skirt that whipped around her legs in the breeze, and Shane's thoughts jumped track until she led the other two women around the side of the house to the gazebo.
Agnes had damn good legs. And a great back. One pull on those ties- And she'd smiled at him, standing there in the morning sunlight. Might have been an invitation. Might not have been, too. Probably should make sure before he started untying things.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“So, Mr. Shane, you felt you had the right to come down here and bespoil my crime scene because …” He raised his eyebrows, waiting for an answer. “I thought he might need assistance,” Shane lied. “And the untoward angle of his neck did not tell you that he was beyond any earthly assistance you might render?” “I’m not a doctor, sir,” Shane said. “Neither are you a miracle worker, son,” Xavier said. “Should you find any other bodies in my jurisdiction, you will refrain from attempting to raise them from the dead.” “Yes,”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“It’s not the kind of thing I’d ever do,” Lisa Livia went on. “I mean, ever do, talk like that, I mean, unless somebody, you know, tried to fuck my daughter over on something she wanted, because in that case, if that happened, I would pour lye over every single fuckin’ inch of this town.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“What I want, when I'm done here, is to go back to the house and tell Agnes about my day, find out what happened during hers. That's always interesting.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Of course you might get shot, but you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs." She handed him a plate of deviled eggs. "Have one.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“That was some dame, huh?" Joey said with a lopsided grin.
"Yeah," Shane agreed. "I especially liked the rocket launcher accessory.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Shane cut into the pancake and forked up a bite: light, tender, nutty, sweet, and buttery, just like Agnes. Home cooking.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“I was going to complain about the noise," Lisa Livia said, still looking fragile but much better than she had before, "but now I'm just impressed. Leave it to the army to mechanize an erection."
"Laugh now, funny girl," Shane said. "That's gonna be a bridge in about a minute."
"And that bridge can hold over sixty tons," Carpenter said.
"So it's a strong erection," Lisa Livia said, looking at Carpenter.
"Oh, yes," Carpenter said, standing more erect himself.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“My team." A Spiritual Humanist cleaner, an old mobster, an addled swamp rat, and an angry food columnist.
"We'll get 'em next time," Garth said between coughs.
"Wasn't all your fault," Joey said, trying to get his shirttail up to his eyes.
Go team, Shane thought, and pointed them in the direction of the Defender.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman