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[Jaxon(Jax)[They-He]]

I'm getting my hair done today

[Deepthi]

☯Raven(Soon to be named Eris)~They/them/“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” ― RuPaul ☯ wrote: "I'm getting my hair done today"

The way you described your upcoming hairdo was nice :)
All the best :)

[Hallie]

Deepthi wrote: "Experience...
There's this classmate of mine who always falls on me...
I always use the sentence which Raven told on her xD"

I've told that to people too xD Except they were the same age as me.

[Hallie]

☯Raven(Soon to be named Eris)~They/them/“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” ― RuPaul ☯ wrote: "I'm getting my hair done today"

Woohoo!!! What colour are you going to dye it?

[Deepthi]

Hallie wrote: "Deepthi wrote: "Experience...
There's this classmate of mine who always falls on me...
I always use the sentence which Raven told on her xD"

I've told that to people too xD Except they were the s..."

Good thing they were the same age. Otherwise...

[Hallie]

Yeah...

[Hallie]

If I'm not dead by March, I'm remaking Elysian Darkness. Except more darker and more mysterious.

[Deepthi]

Dude, you won't be dead...

We'll miss you sooooo much :(

[Hallie]

I hope to be. Trying to be.

[Deepthi]

You will. You have us

[Hallie]

I meant the dead part.

[Deepthi]

Ohh right... I meant the living part...

[Hallie]

But I don't wanna live.

[Deepthi]

:(

[Hallie]

Same!

[Hallie]

Only YouTube can make the most horrible videos on YouTube.

[Deepthi]

Hallie wrote: "Only YouTube can make the most horrible videos on YouTube."

That's true

[Hallie]

Makes you wonder why they even bother.

[Deepthi]

Bother with what? Doing the videos?

[Hallie]

Deepthi wrote: "Bother with what? Doing the videos?"

Uh yeah.

[Hallie]

SHINE wrote: "Deepthi wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Only YouTube can make the most horrible videos on YouTube."

That's true"

I've seen a couple scary ones based on abandoned building from youtubers."

The one I saw was this year end review. It has five times more dislikes than likes.

[Hallie]

Not My Name

I swear I just want to curl into a ball and die right now. Literally.

I guess there is a possibility that I'm just being paranoid, but that watchman is seriously creeping me out so much. I don't care whether I look serious or sad all the time; that's my happy face and I'm not interested in plastering some fake smile before or after a long, tiring day that already makes me feel like I should kill myself.

And the last thing I want is fucking prayers to be more 'open-hearted'. If prayers had that ability, I'd be Emma Watson's face with Ariana Grande's voice with Bill Gates' money and Einstein's grades. But I'm fucked up Hallie. And that's who I'm going to be till I die.

I use the word die way too much, right?

Anyway, my brother, Mum and I went out to buy our cousin a present and this guy was downstairs. Whilst we were walking, he said something I didn't quite catch and kept calling me by my mum's name. Look, my mum's name is a nice name and I have no issues with it, but Mum gave me a name I like even more and I don't want to be her. I want to be Hallie. Or Hal. Or Hals (courtesy of Goodreads :) ) Candidly, I'm not so happy about that. Everyone realized that he got our names mixed up, but Mum says it's not worth bothering to correct him. So just let it be.

She and I were coming back with the gift and he came up and said, "I'm very happy. *insert Mum's name* is smiling." What the flying fuck?! I want to punch someone. We came home and she told Dad and about it and laughed, but honestly, this whole thing - trivial or not - is giving me too much anxiety and I'm already here holding a bottle of pills because everything is crumbling. But that's for another rant. Which I probably won't be write if I can finally succeed killing myself.

Mum was just like, "Don't even bother talking to him." But I didn't tell her anything that happened, so....

So I'll like pretend to be in the phone when I get back from school tomorrow and see if he tries to talk, and if he does, I'll probably launch a rambling about how I just want to get home and eat after a long day because I'm in no mood to fucking smile or talk.

[Deepthi]

Pretending to be on the phone's a good idea for now :)

[Hallie]

I already did it once *sighs* I didn't pretend, but I planned it beforehand.

[Hallie]

Sometimes I think I should just run away.

[Hallie]

I give up.

[Hallie]

I give up on life.

[Deepthi]

Hallie wrote: "Sometimes I think I should just run away."

*shaking head*

[Deepthi]

Hallie wrote: "I give up on life."

Hallie wrote: "I give up."


Don't. Please.....
Please don't say that......
I'm begging you...

*sniff*

[butterbean]

Hallie! I'm so sorry I haven't checked back in awhile now but when I saw your status update I couldn't help but worry. You've always made me worry but now I'm quite worried. I'm sorry that life sucks, I can feel that right now too, but hopefully we can both work through this together, right? The two rebels- back at it again? Maybe. . . hopefully. I love you Hallie.

[Hallie]

I'm not working out of this, Jellybean. I got you do, but I give up.

[Hallie]

I want to go home. But I don't want to go home.

[Hallie]

I can't stay here anymore, but I'm afraid to go home.

[Hallie]

And that's why I want to die. So that I can stop having these thoughts.

[Hallie]

So that I can quit living as a fucking disappointment.

[Deepthi]

Hallie wrote: "So that I can quit living as a fucking disappointment."

You aren't a disappointment, Hal...
*hug*

[Hallie]

Oh, I am!

[Hallie]

Journey Home

The best thing I ever did was join this bus instead of taking public buses to school. Whilst I would reach early if I did that, I matter made some friends outside my class because of it - which I never did in my old school. It's really, really fun sometimes. And only thanks to them did I learn to use the subway and roam around to hog after class. It's something I never did with K, Iz, B, H2 and M.

So today, I was pretty depressed (what a surprise, right?!) during all classes and I was so worried about that whole watchman issue that I must have thrown my books down at least fifteen times every hour. Besides, I was experiencing severe pain and discomfort, and what I would give to just go home and curl up into a ball!

So the last thing I expected is that I would go to eat with my friends in the bus. Just as I was leaving from the classroom, L shouted for me and told me to wait and that she was coming to the bus with me. She usually doesn't come in the afternoon. Although I had to wait for a really long time for her to get out of our classroom and then watch her hug some of our classmates five times. We finally headed down the stairs and she said, "That *insert one of our classmates' name* undid my bra and I don't know how to put it back." You have no idea how much I laughed as she explained how she went from wearing sports bras to bras with hooks. I believed that was the funniest thing that happened today until then, but I was wrong.

When we reached the bus after a conversation on books, another friend, S2, was in the usual seat I occupy (the last seat, of course), and L said, "Hey move. Let Hallie sit there. See Hallie, I got you your seat." She would have moved anyway, but still. Then two others from the next class (let's call them P and R) came, and together we all threw the bag of one more girl who had left it in L's seat in front of me. When that girl came, we just did that it had already been there when we arrived.

Then S2 and L decided to go and eat, and I was hungry too, so they invited me as well. Just before we left, we asked P to reserve our places and L said that she would buy her a chocolate. P legit lifted her legs and put it on L's seat. It was so funny.

Then we went to eat, and these two juniors from the bus happened to be coming back, and they decided to simply tag along. After eating, we were walking back, and one of those juniors accidentally stepped on my shoe from behind and apologized. I said it was fine, but then she cried, "I told you I'm sorry!" The three of us were like what the fuck?! We let those two go in front of us and kept mocking the way she approached me. And then we kept laughing at random asinine things that I can't even explain. One of them was L's impersonation of our Math teacher. Okay that was simply hilarious!

When we went back to the bus again, and P almost didn't let L sit down because she didn't get the chocolate. So L took away the balloons P had with her and held them out of the window while R kept telling L to throw them out. She legit grabbed the balloon and P followed to protect her balloons, and in the meantime, S2 slowly stole R's phone and gave it to me to hide. When R realized that it was gone, she least suspected me. I returned it eventually, but as soon as she settled down, P realized that her earphones were missing. This time literally everyone in the seats in the back rows were suspects. No one admitted to having it, and P said, "Whoever has it will fail in our next exams." L swore that she didn't have it and R followed the suit when P pointed at R and said, "Well, she is going to fail anyway, so it's the same thing." She searched S2 and L's bags (and got distracted by the hand sanitizer), but it wasn't in there. In the end, it was fallen down. R asked, "So now who should fail?" P replied, "Eheh me." The whole thing was even funnier! We were laughing sooooo much, teased so many people, and it was honestly a nice distraction. At one point, the girl whose bag we threw (just to clarify, we didn't throw it literally) started screaming and someone said, "The guy you're talking to on the phone will get ear cancer if you scream like that."

But I still want to die.

[Deepthi]

That really sounded like fun (except the last sentence)

[Hallie]

Well, the moment has passed.

[Aqsa]

Hey Hallie?

[Aqsa]

Come on. Come back. And stay.

[Aqsa]

Stay for us if not for yourself.

[Aqsa]

You've struggled and you've been strong for so long. Dont give up now.

[Hallie]

No, I haven't. I never have been nor will I ever be.

[Aqsa]

You stayed so long.
Why not longer?

[Hallie]

Who said I didn't try to leave?

[Aqsa]

I never said you didn't try ro leave. You always tried but then you somehow stayed and that's what mattered and still does.

Don't go.

[Alia ~you are not your anxiety~]

Hallie wrote: "When a person is close friends with all your once upon a time closest friends but never speaks to you and now you just get to watch all of them hang out together while you're all alone.

That's my ..."

And I'm that friend, and I don't blame you one bit! So sorry!!!

I've been kinda inactive here due to workworkwork and joining other corners of the internet under different names. But I just realized I never replied to you because I was on a trip :/

Did the same to my favorite irl friend so don't feel singled out! Ack me!

[Hallie]

Aqsa wrote: "I never said you didn't try ro leave. You always tried but then you somehow stayed and that's what mattered and still does.

Don't go."

My point is that I never wanted to stay and I still don't want to stay. That's what matters to me.