Quotes About Santa

Quotes tagged as "santa" (showing 1-30 of 58)
George Carlin
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
George Carlin

Bertrand Russell
“I do not pretend to be able to prove that there is no God. I equally cannot prove that Satan is a fiction. The Christian god may exist; so may the gods of Olympus, or of ancient Egypt, or of Babylon. But no one of these hypotheses is more probable than any other: they lie outside the region of even probable knowledge, and therefore there is no reason to consider any of them.”
Bertrand Russell, Why I Am Not a Christian and Other Essays on Religion and Related Subjects

J.K. Rowling
“Muggles have garden gnomes, too, you know," Harry told Ron as they crossed the lawn.

"Yeah, I've seen those things they think are gnomes," said Ron, bent double with his head in a peony bush, "like fat little Santa Clauses with fishing rods...”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Scott Dikkers
“Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.”
Scott Dikkers, You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

H.L. Mencken
“It is often argued that religion is valuable because it makes men good, but even if this were true it would not be a proof that religion is true. That would be an extension of pragmatism beyond endurance. Santa Claus makes children good in precisely the same way, and yet no one would argue seriously that the fact proves his existence. The defense of religion is full of such logical imbecilities. The theologians, taking one with another, are adept logicians, but every now and then they have to resort to sophistries so obvious that their whole case takes on an air of the ridiculous. Even the most logical religion starts out with patently false assumptions. It is often argued in support of this or that one that men are so devoted to it that they are willing to die for it. That, of course, is as silly as the Santa Claus proof. Other men are just as devoted to manifestly false religions, and just as willing to die for them. Every theologian spends a large part of his time and energy trying to prove that religions for which multitudes of honest men have fought and died are false, wicked, and against God.”
H.L. Mencken, Minority Report

Jeff Kinney
“So I've started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don't need Santa seeing me in my underwear.”
Jeff Kinney, Cabin Fever

Andy Rooney
“We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.”
Andy Rooney, Sincerely, Andy Rooney

Bil Keane
“God put Santa Claus on earth to remind us that Christmas is 'sposed to be a happy time.”
Bil Keane, Jeffy's Lookin' at Me

Augusten Burroughs
“He continues to smile expectantly. I take a step back. I don't want to catch whatever he has. He is a disturbing out-of-uniform Santa.”
Augusten Burroughs

Craig Ferguson
“You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.”
Craig Ferguson

Chuck Palahniuk
“Beginning with Santa Claus as a cognitive exercise, a child is encouraged to share the same idea of reality as his peers. Even if that reality is patently invented and ludicrous, belief is encouraged with gifts that support and promote the common cultural lies.

The greatest consensus in modern society is our traffic systems. The way a flood of strangers can interact, sharing a path, almost all of them traveling without incident. It only takes one dissenting driver to create anarchy.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Rant

“Why is Santa an anagram for Satan? I mean, besides the fact that both have the same amounts of the same letters. Just consider the many other similarities between the two figures: both of them are red, both of them like to laugh, both of them give presents to children and both of them are kings of an ungodly underworld of unspeakable horror and suffering. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.”
Sam Logan

“Kids believe in Santa; adults believe in childhood.”
Cate Kennedy, Dark Roots: Stories

Vera Nazarian
“Once upon a time, the Reindeer took a running leap and jumped over the Northern Lights.

But he jumped too low, and the long fur of his beautiful flowing tail got singed by the rainbow fires of the aurora.

To this day the reindeer has no tail to speak of. But he is too busy pulling the Important Sleigh to notice what is lost. And he certainly doesn’t complain.

What's your excuse?”
Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

Ellery Adams
“It's like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane!”
Ellery Adams, Chili Con Corpses

Laurie Halse Anderson
“There is something about Christmas that requires a rug rat. Little kids make Christmas fun. I wonder if could rent one for the holidays. When I was tiny we would by a real tree and stay up late drinking hot chocolate and finding just the right place for the special decorations. It seems like my parents gave up the magic when I figured out the Santa lie. Maybe I shouldn't have told them I knew where the presents really came from. It broke their hearts.”
Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

Janette Rallison
“A few moments later Mom opened my door and peered in at me. "Logan Hansen is here to see you."
If it had been anyone else in the world, I would have told my mother to send him away. Santa Claus himself could have shown up to explain his whereabouts since my childhood, and I would have turned him out.”
Janette Rallison, All's Fair in Love, War, and High School

Lewis Black
“If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.”
Lewis Black, I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas

David Sedaris
“The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

Barbara Kingsolver
“Like kids who only ever get socks for Christmas, but still believe with all their hearts in Santa.”
Barbara Kingsolver, The Poisonwood Bible

Augusten Burroughs
“As a young child I had Santa and Jesus all mixed up. I could identify Coke or Pepsi with just one sip, but I could not tell you for sure why they strapped Santa to a cross. Had he missed a house? Had a good little girl somewhere in the world not received the doll he’d promised her, making the father angry?” (p.3)”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas

“Maybe we should spend less time teaching kids to believe in Santa and more time teaching them to believe in themselves.”
Brooke Hampton

Deyth Banger
“Santa can't die, he punish bad people. Behave well and you won't punished!”
Deyth Banger

Jeannette Walls
“So they told us all about how other kids were deceived by their parents, how the toys the grown-ups claimed were made by little elves wearing bell caps in their workshop at the North Pole actually had labels on them saying MADE IN JAPAN.”
Jeannette Walls

Will Bly
“Everyone is destined to be an asshole as some point or another.”
Will Bly, F*ck You, Santa!

Kristen Henderson
“Think of the Christmas present
of gashes you opened when, in an attempt
to be Superman, you slid in stocking feet
on a slippery wood floor and crashed
half way through a window. Hopes
of heroism dashed on the heels
of no clear sighting of Santa.”
Kristen Henderson, Of My Maiden Smoking

“Normalmente eu não tinha muita paciência para estar com uma gaja durante muito tempo. Cada uma delas queria ficar comigo o máximo que pudesse, e para isso usavam de muitas artimanhas, como fazer o meu prato preferido – moamba de galinha –, me massajar nas costas depois do bem – bom, dar-me banho com sais ou fazer cafuné antes de adormecer, tudo bem feito na benquerença do benjamim. Tinha uma, nome dela era Santinha, que conseguiu me prender por um ano. A gaja era bonita e meiga, muito submissa, o que eu muito apreciava nas mulheres. Detestava tipas armadas que quisessem discutir comigo, levantar o nariz, isso eu nunca admitia, por isso gajas que tentassem pisar o risco levavam no focinho, qual não se bate em mulheres, Saiundo?!, eu também não gostava de lhes bater, mas depois verifiquei que era a única forma de lhes meter na linha, claro, não falo de todas, falo apenas daquelas que são razingonas, que querem mandar nos homens, isso nunca! Eu sei que isso é feio, mas às vezes é a única solução. Mas estava a falar da minha Santinha que era mesmo uma santa, e por isso fiquei com ela tanto tempo. Era doçura de criatura, melaçuda em todos os momentos, e na cama então é que ela se revelava completamente, e eu me perguntava como era que uma rapariga assim tão santíssima, ar dela angélico, na cama podia ser assim tão brava e fogosa ao ponto de me fazer gemer toda a noite, poça!, que às mulheres enganam muito, de sai são uma coisa, aquelas finúrias todas, de noite, na hora dos bons prazeres, até parece que têm o diabo no corpo. E assim fiquei com ela muito tempo, eu e a minha Santocas, santinha, santa. Mas um dia chateei-me com ela por causa dos muitos ciúmes que fazia a torto e a direito, não me podia ver com nenhuma rapariga e ficava logo amuada por muito tempo. Certo dia ela me viu a conversar com uma amiga, perto do Jumbo, Santinha veio ter comigo e, sem dizer nada, me puxou com força pelo braço. Perdi o controlo e ali mesmo lhe esbofeteei na presença da moça com quem estava a conversar e que era de facto uma simples só amiga, e assim que terminei aquela santa relação.”
Boaventura Cardoso

Hank Bracker
“Historical Santa Clara

Santa Clara is the fifth largest city in Cuba with a population of over 210,000 people. It is the capital of the Province of Villa Clara and was founded by 138 people from only two families on July 15, 1689. As with many Cuban cities during the 17th century, it was constantly attacked and plundered by pirates. Santa Clara has had a number of names since it was founded. Its layout is clearly that of Colonial Spanish origin, having a squared design with a plaza and a church in the center. It is conveniently located along the highway connecting Santiago de Cuba with Havana.

Santa Clara is known as the site of the last battle of the Cuban Revolution. Two columns of rebels attacked the Batista forces on December 31, 1958. One was led by “Che” Guevara and the other by Camilo Cienfuegos. Guevara’s troops destroyed the Trans-Cuban railroad tracks and overturned a train sent by Batista carrying reinforcements. The victory over the city’s demoralized defenders was decisive, forcing Batista to leave Cuba and fly to the Dominican Republic. Fleeing into exile, Batista opened the way for the rebel troops to take the capital city of Havana.

From the award winning book “The Exciting Story of Cuba” by Captain Hank Bracker”
Hank Bracker

M.C. Frank
“So you say there is no Father Christmas,                                                                          You say there is no Santa Claus                                                                                         Reindeer cannot fly, it's all a grown-up lie...”
M.C. Frank, No Ordinary Star

Sierra Donovan
“Her fingertips dug into his shoulders as she pressed closer. Then her lips parted to his, and there was no mistaking the passion in her response.
Wild and sweet…
His eyes were closed, but in his mind’s eye he saw the lights of the giant tree, and he knew he’d found a Christmas memory worth keeping.”
Sierra Donovan, Do Not Open 'Til Christmas

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