Santa Quotes

Quotes tagged as "santa" Showing 1-30 of 101
George Carlin
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
George Carlin

Bertrand Russell
“I do not pretend to be able to prove that there is no God. I equally cannot prove that Satan is a fiction. The Christian god may exist; so may the gods of Olympus, or of ancient Egypt, or of Babylon. But no one of these hypotheses is more probable than any other: they lie outside the region of even probable knowledge, and therefore there is no reason to consider any of them.”
Bertrand Russell , Why I Am Not a Christian and Other Essays on Religion and Related Subjects

J.K. Rowling
“Muggles have garden gnomes, too, you know," Harry told Ron as they crossed the lawn.

"Yeah, I've seen those things they think are gnomes," said Ron, bent double with his head in a peony bush, "like fat little Santa Clauses with fishing rods...”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Scott Dikkers
“Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.”
Scott Dikkers, You Are Worthless: Depressing Nuggets of Wisdom Sure to Ruin Your Day

H.L. Mencken
“It is often argued that religion is valuable because it makes men good, but even if this were true it would not be a proof that religion is true. That would be an extension of pragmatism beyond endurance. Santa Claus makes children good in precisely the same way, and yet no one would argue seriously that the fact proves his existence. The defense of religion is full of such logical imbecilities. The theologians, taking one with another, are adept logicians, but every now and then they have to resort to sophistries so obvious that their whole case takes on an air of the ridiculous. Even the most logical religion starts out with patently false assumptions. It is often argued in support of this or that one that men are so devoted to it that they are willing to die for it. That, of course, is as silly as the Santa Claus proof. Other men are just as devoted to manifestly false religions, and just as willing to die for them. Every theologian spends a large part of his time and energy trying to prove that religions for which multitudes of honest men have fought and died are false, wicked, and against God.”
H.L. Mencken, Minority Report

Jeff Kinney
“So I've started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don't need Santa seeing me in my underwear.”
Jeff Kinney, Cabin Fever

Bil Keane
“God put Santa Claus on earth to remind us that Christmas is 'sposed to be a happy time.”
Bil Keane, Jeffy's Lookin' at Me

Andy Rooney
“We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.”
Andy Rooney, Sincerely, Andy Rooney

Augusten Burroughs
“He continues to smile expectantly. I take a step back. I don't want to catch whatever he has. He is a disturbing out-of-uniform Santa.”
Augusten Burroughs

Chuck Palahniuk
“Beginning with Santa Claus as a cognitive exercise, a child is encouraged to share the same idea of reality as his peers. Even if that reality is patently invented and ludicrous, belief is encouraged with gifts that support and promote the common cultural lies.

The greatest consensus in modern society is our traffic systems. The way a flood of strangers can interact, sharing a path, almost all of them traveling without incident. It only takes one dissenting driver to create anarchy.”
Chuck Palahniuk, Rant

“Kids believe in Santa; adults believe in childhood.”
Cate Kennedy, Dark Roots

Craig Ferguson
“You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.”
Craig Ferguson

“Why is Santa an anagram for Satan? I mean, besides the fact that both have the same amounts of the same letters. Just consider the many other similarities between the two figures: both of them are red, both of them like to laugh, both of them give presents to children and both of them are kings of an ungodly underworld of unspeakable horror and suffering. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.”
Sam Logan

Vera Nazarian
“Once upon a time, the Reindeer took a running leap and jumped over the Northern Lights.

But he jumped too low, and the long fur of his beautiful flowing tail got singed by the rainbow fires of the aurora.

To this day the reindeer has no tail to speak of. But he is too busy pulling the Important Sleigh to notice what is lost. And he certainly doesn’t complain.

What's your excuse?”
Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

Ellery Adams
“It's like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane!”
J.B. Stanley, Chili Con Corpses

Barbara Kingsolver
“Like kids who only ever get socks for Christmas, but still believe with all their hearts in Santa.”
Barbara Kingsolver, The Poisonwood Bible

Laurie Halse Anderson
“There is something about Christmas that requires a rug rat. Little kids make Christmas fun. I wonder if could rent one for the holidays. When I was tiny we would by a real tree and stay up late drinking hot chocolate and finding just the right place for the special decorations. It seems like my parents gave up the magic when I figured out the Santa lie. Maybe I shouldn't have told them I knew where the presents really came from. It broke their hearts.”
Laurie Halse Anderson, Speak

Janette Rallison
“A few moments later Mom opened my door and peered in at me. "Logan Hansen is here to see you."
If it had been anyone else in the world, I would have told my mother to send him away. Santa Claus himself could have shown up to explain his whereabouts since my childhood, and I would have turned him out.”
Janette Rallison, All's Fair in Love, War, and High School

Lewis Black
“If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.”
Lewis Black, I'm Dreaming of a Black Christmas

David Sedaris
“The only bright spot in the entire evening was the presence of Kevin "Tubby" Matchwell, the eleven-year-old porker who tackled the role of Santa with a beguiling authenticity. The false beard tended to muffle his speech, but they could hear his chafing thighs all the way to the North Pole.”
David Sedaris, Holidays on Ice

Augusten Burroughs
“As a young child I had Santa and Jesus all mixed up. I could identify Coke or Pepsi with just one sip, but I could not tell you for sure why they strapped Santa to a cross. Had he missed a house? Had a good little girl somewhere in the world not received the doll he’d promised her, making the father angry?” (p.3)”
Augusten Burroughs, You Better Not Cry: Stories for Christmas

Thomm Quackenbush
“Isn’t Santa just a stand in for the society that has locked them up for formative years? Something that watches and judges, telling them that they got what they deserved based on their behavior? Surely they have to have noticed that Saint Nick, like the judicial system itself, tends to look more favorably upon rich children. He is fat, white, past middle age, and holds all the cards.”
Thomm Quackenbush, A Creature Was Stirring

Candi Kay
“One thing I learned over the years is that you have to love wholeheartedly when your loved ones are with you. I loved my parents. I still miss them every day of my life, and they’ve been gone for centuries. One thing they taught me is when you love, you love hard. You carry that with you always, even when the ones you love are no longer in this world. I don’t think I truly appreciated that until Dylan came into my world, and then you, but that’s two different types of love.”
Candi Kay, Santa Claus & His Unexpected Mate

Glynn Gomes
“I’m afraid the sleigh is wrecked,” said Santa, “and we do not have a spare!”

“We must cancel Christmas,” he said; but his wife replied, “We must not dare!”
Glynn Gomes, Santa's Magic Cookie Train

J.S. Mason
“It all began when Santa’s helpers demanded Universal Elf Care.”
J.S. Mason, The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

Candi Kay
“You are everything I’ve ever hoped for, Drew, more than I ever believed I could hope for.” I reach up and wipe a tear that’s slowly making its way down his cheek. “I thought I knew what love was. I was wrong. Only when you came into my life did I truly understand it, feel it. Thank you for giving me something I’ve always longed for.”
“What is that, Santa?”
“Forever.”
Candi Kay, Santa Claus & His Unexpected Mate

Penny Reid
“Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will get Satan for Christmas.”
Penny Reid, A Very Beardy Christmas: Winston Brother Bonus Content, #10

James Hauenstein
“I knew it was time to shave the beard off and start an exercise regimen when I was asked to play Santa at the Christmas party this year!”
James Hauenstein

Elizabeth Kolbert
“He’s a burly man with sparse white hair and a white beard who looks like Santa might look if Santa, in the off-season, carried a tackle box.”
Elizabeth Kolbert, Under a White Sky: The Nature of the Future
tags: santa

Alisa Kwitney
“Santa," said the little boy in Mack's arms.
"Satan," Mack corrected him.
"Satan! Satan!”
Alisa Kwitney, Flirting in Cars

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