Bert > Bert's Quotes

Showing 1-30 of 32
« previous 1
sort by

  • #1
    George Carlin
    “Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

    But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!”
    George Carlin

  • #2
    Mae West
    “You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
    Mae West

  • #4
    J.K. Rowling
    “If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.”
    J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

  • #5
    Maya Angelou
    “I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
    Maya Angelou

  • #6
    Eleanor Roosevelt
    “A woman is like a tea bag; you never know how strong it is until it's in hot water.”
    Eleanor Roosevelt

  • #7
    Mark Twain
    “The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.”
    Mark Twain

  • #8
    Elie Wiesel
    “The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”
    Elie Wiesel

  • #9
    Garrison Keillor
    “Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
    Garrison Keillor

  • #10
    “Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.”
    Marthe Troly-Curtin, Phrynette Married

  • #11
    Alexandre Dumas fils
    “The difference between genius and stupidity is: genius has its limits.”
    Alexandre Dumas-fils

  • #12
    Jodi Picoult
    “You don't love someone because they're perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they're not.”
    Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

  • #13
    Rita Mae Brown
    “The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.”
    Rita Mae Brown

  • #14
    Herbert Bayard Swope
    “I can't give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time.”
    Herbert Bayard Swope

  • #15
    Oscar Wilde
    “The truth is rarely pure and never simple.”
    Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest

  • #16
    Douglas Adams
    “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
    Douglas Adams

  • #17
    Albert Einstein
    “When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.”
    Albert Einstein

  • #18
    “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
    Joe Klaas, The Twelve Steps to Happiness: A Practical Handbook for Understanding and Working the Twelve Step Programs for Alcoholism, Codependency, Eating Disorders, and Other Addictions

  • #19
    Groucho Marx
    “When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.”
    Groucho Marx

  • #20
    Henry Ford
    “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.”
    Henry Ford

  • #21
    Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
    “Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.”
    Kurt Vonnegut

  • #22
    John Lennon
    “When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
    John Lennon

  • #23
    Jonathan Safran Foer
    “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.”
    Jonathan Safran Foer

  • #24
    George Carlin
    “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
    George Carlin

  • #25
    Mario Puzo
    “I don't trust society to protect us, I have no intention of placing my fate in the hands of men whose only qualification is that they managed to con a block of people to vote for them.”
    Mario Puzo, The Godfather

  • #26
    Dorothy Parker
    “Woman wants monogamy;
    Man delights in novelty.
    Love is woman's moon and sun;
    Man has other forms of fun.
    Woman lives but in her lord;
    Count to ten, and man is bored.
    With this the gist and sum of it,
    What earthly good can come of it?”
    Dorothy Parker

  • #27
    Gena Showalter
    “I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist”
    Gena Showalter, Seduce the Darkness

  • #28
    Marcel Proust
    “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”
    Marcel Proust

  • #29
    Christopher Hitchens
    “Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods.”
    Christopher Hitchens, The Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever

  • #30
    Epicurus
    “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
    Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
    Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
    Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
    Epicurus

  • #31
    Bertrand Russell
    “And if there were a God, I think it very unlikely that He would have such an uneasy vanity as to be offended by those who doubt His existence”
    Bertrand Russell



Rss
« previous 1