Karen ⚜Mess⚜ > Karen ⚜Mess⚜'s Quotes

“His Majesty needs a can-I girl anyway. And I'm not it."
"A can-I girl?" Andrea frowned.

I leaned back. "'Can I fetch your food, Your Majesty? Can I tell you how strong and mighty you are, Your Majesty? Can I pick your fleas, Your Majesty? Can I kiss your ass, Your Majesty? Can I..."

It dawned on me that Raphael was sitting very still. Frozen, like a statue, his gaze fixed on the point above my head. "He's standing behind me, isn't he?"

Andrea nodded slowly.

"Technically it should be 'may I'," Curran said, his voice deeper than I remembered. "Since you're asking for permission."

Why me?

"To answer your question, yes, you may kiss my ass. Normally I prefer maintain my personal space, but you're a Friend of the Pack and your services have proven useful once or twice. I strive to accommodate the wishes of persons friendly to my people. My only question is, would kissing my ass be obeisance, grooming, or foreplay?”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Strikes

“The phone rang. I picked it up.
“Are you sitting down?” Curran's voice asked.
“Yes.”
“Good.”
Click.
I listened to the disconnect signal. If he wanted me to sit, then I'd stand. I got up. The chair got up with me and I ended up bent over my desk, with the chair stuck to my butt. I grabbed the edge of the chair and tried to pull it off.
It remained stuck.
I would murder him. Slowly. And I'd enjoy every second of it.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Bleeds

“Yes I can,” Curran snarled. “Listen: this is me telling you what you will not do.”
I raised the cookbook and tapped him on the nose. Bad cat.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Slays

“Are you sure you know where you're going?" Andrea frowned.
"Would you like me to pull over and ask that bamboo for directions?"
"I don't know, do you think it will answer?"
We peered at the bamboo.
"I think it looks suspicious," Andrea said.
"Maybe there is a heffalump hiding in it."
Andrea stared at me.
"You know, heffalump? From Pooh Bear?"
"Where do you even get this shit?”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Slays

“Did he just rip out the engine?" I asked.
"Yes", Saiman said. "And now he is demolishing the Maserati with it."
Ten seconds later Curran hurled the twisted wreck of black and orange that used to be the Maserati into the wall.
The first melodic notes of an old song came from the computer. I glanced at Saiman.
He shrugged. "It begged for a soundtrack.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Slays

“The vampire stared at me, his mouth slack as Ghastek assessed his options. I took a couple of forms from my desk, put them into the vamp's mouth, and pulled them up by their edges.
"What are you doing?" Ghastek asked.
"My hole puncher broke."
"You have no respect for the undead.”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Burns

“« Are you hungry, baby?” Curran asked.
“Starving.”
“I think we should go to dinner.”
“Great idea.”
“What are you going to wear?”
“My badass face.”
“Good choice,” he said. »”
― Ilona Andrews, Magic Rises

“Maybe I should drive,” Troy said. “She knows what she’s doing,” Mad Rogan said. I sniffed. “What?” “The fragrance of a genuine compliment from Mad Rogan. So rare and sweet.”
― Ilona Andrews, Burn for Me

“One school of thought says that the best way to handle an issue like this is exposure therapy," Mad Rogan said. "For example, if you're terrified of snakes, repeated handling of them will cure it."
Aha. "I'm not handling your snake.”
― Ilona Andrews, Burn for Me

“Yes, I'm a hermit. Mostly I brood," Mad Rogan said. "Also, I'm very good at wallowing in self-pity. I spend my days steeped in melancholy, looking out the window. Occasionally a single tear quietly rolls down my cheek.”
― Ilona Andrews, Burn for Me

“There's more magic in a baby's first giggle than in any firestorm a wizard can conjure up, and don't let anyone tell you any different.”
― Jim Butcher, Fool Moon

“It begins with absence and desire.
It begins with blood and fear.
It begins with a discovery of witches.”
― Deborah Harkness, A Discovery of Witches

“October—

You were sleeping so peacefully that I was loath to wake you. Duke Torquill, after demanding to know what I was doing in your apartment, has requested that I inform you of his intent to visit after ‘tending to some business at the Queen’s Court.’ I recommend wearing something clinging, as that may distract him from whatever he wishes to lecture you about this time. Hopefully, it’s your manners.

You are truly endearing when you sleep. I attribute this to the exotic nature of seeing you in a state of silence.

—Tybalt
”
― Seanan McGuire, A Local Habitation

“We are not going to die."

Butters stared up at me, pale, his eyes terrified. "We're not?"

"No. And do you know why?" He shook his head. "Because Thomas is too pretty to die. And because I'm too stubborn to die." I hauled on the shirt even harder. "And most of all because tomorrow is Oktoberfest, Butters, and polka will never die.”
― Jim Butcher, Dead Beat

“I went down like a drunken cowgirl trying to line dance to Metallica.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“How would you like your eggs?"

I tried. I really did. But I glanced at his crotch and it came out anyway. "Fertilized?”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“Well, that sucked more ass than liposuction.”
― Darynda Jones, Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet

“We watch movies while Uncle Reyes makes cockporn.”
― Darynda Jones, Eighth Grave After Dark

“Make it quick," I said when I picked up.
"Okay. Two men from the FBI are here." Cookie said. Quickly.
Crap. "Men in black are at the office?"
"Well, yes, but they're actually in more of a navy."
Crapola. I so don't have time for men. In any color. "Okay, two questions. Do they look mad, and are they hot?"
After a long, long, pause, Cookie said, "One, not really. Two, no comment at this time. And three, you're on speakerphone."
After another long, long pause, I said, "Okie dokie then. Be there in a jiff.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“I know karate, and like two other Japanese words - T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“A guy in an SUV tried to kill me.”
“That’s strange.”
“Why?”
“Because the guy I hired doesn’t drive an SUV.”
“That is strange.”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“For the record, my cock can only be measured in decibels from the screams of the female it pleasures”
― Dannika Dark, Impulse

“The stars in the sky
Unhidden by night
Souls of our loved ones
Guide us by sight
But when dawn breaks
Bringing day’s light
Remain in our hearts
And all wrongs become right;
I'll see you in the night.”
― Keri Lake, Ricochet

“Alexandra, I can handle my own fucking cock."

Stitch that on a pillow.”
― Kate Meader, Playing with Fire

“If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking.”
― Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood

“Don't talk. Kill it."
That might be the sweetest thing a woman's ever said to me on a first date.”
― Richard Kadrey, Kill the Dead

“Even a book can be dangerous in the wrong hands, and when that happens, you blame the hands, but you also read the book.”
― Erika Johansen, The Queen of the Tearling

“More caffeine and sugar and I’d be photo-bombing the Hubble.”
― Kathy Reichs, Two Nights

“If your only instrument is a sword, then you will always strike at your problems.”
― Alexandra Christo, To Kill a Kingdom