Jessica Pies > Jessica's Quotes

“They might have been all-right people doing the best they could, but I got to tell you, you got a dead cat lying in your yard you ought to bury it. That’s my motto.”
― Joe R. Lansdale, Devil Red

“Murder is such a charged word. You know how some people fixate and won't let things go? They're called cops. ”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“A prosthetic leg with a Willie Nelson bumper sticker washed ashore on the beach, which meant it was Florida.


Then it got weird.”
― Tim Dorsey, Pineapple Grenade

“...And another item from the growing file of people who voluntarily wear dunce caps... You'll be talking cordially to someone and make an offhand reference, 'I recently read where--' and they'll cut you off and say, 'Oh, I don't read'... This is a tragedy on so many different levels. First, because they don't read, they don't know enough to keep it to themselves. Next, and this is the most amazing part, they use a demeaning tone like I'm the stupid one for wasting time with books.”
― Tim Dorsey, Tiger Shrimp Tango

“Remember the key to life,” Serge shouted over the engine. “Always act like you deserve to be here.”
― Tim Dorsey, Hurricane Punch

“Florida is a theme park,” said Serge. “And the theme is weirdness.”
― Tim Dorsey, Electric Barracuda

“He’s wrong, but I don’t say anything. That’s how you make a marriage last.”
― Tim Dorsey, Triggerfish Twist

“my life’s motto: If you’re not willing to invent cool-sounding bullshit about yourself, don’t expect others to.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“Be careful,” Serge admonished. “It’s dumb out there.”
― Tim Dorsey, Triggerfish Twist

“What kind of lists?” “You know: best of, worst of, one hundred reasons why making lists prevents you from doing something meaningful. Let’s start”
― Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide

“The pair sat relaxed and stared toward U.S. 1 at nothing in particular. Coleman rested his joint on the edge of the window and popped a beer. “This is the life.” “You said it, buddy.” Serge uncapped a bottle of water. “Florida, a full tank of gas, and no appointments.”
― Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide

“With women, you don’t get to pick the meaning of what you mean. They do. All men understand this.”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“The number one directive of any decent Master Plan is unlimited sub–Master Plans.”
― Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide

“That’s fear talking,” said Serge. “Fear’s a bullshit artist.”
― Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide

“And they ask what’s a convenient time to call back, so I say, ‘I don’t know. The police are still looking for him. Somehow he got the home address of a telemarketer and they found a bloody clawhammer. Where do you live?”
― Tim Dorsey, Pineapple Grenade

“But what do you think all that shooting was about?” “It’s U.S. 1,” said Serge. “So it doesn’t have to be about anything.”
― Tim Dorsey, The Riptide Ultra-Glide

“You see, life’s all about possibilities. Opportunities are everywhere, except most people are locked into rigid routines and mortgages and clipping coupons and aren’t even looking. But I see possibilities in everything: tangible objects, memories, thin air. It’s at once a blessing and a curse.”
― Tim Dorsey, Cadillac Beach

“There’s a point in conflict resolution when the next person who talks loses. You’re ready to play with the big boys when you can recognize that moment.”
― Tim Dorsey, The Stingray Shuffle

“All politics is marketing. And in marketing, there are but two variables: product and salesmanship.”
― Tim Dorsey, Pineapple Grenade

“Millions of people across our great land who want nothing more than to be left alone and pursue their own happiness of believing mean-spirited bullshit. Except society has evolved away from ignorance. And that’s where we come in.” “How?” “We make being shitty feel good again.”
― Tim Dorsey, Pineapple Grenade

“Coleman, there are three—and only three—kinds of people in this world: Those who don’t know they’re damaged and blame others; those who realize they’re damaged and blame others; and then people like you and me, who wear damage like comfortable pajamas.”
― Tim Dorsey, Nuclear Jellyfish

“Never entangle your life with a stranger when the only thing to gain is the last word.”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster Free with Bonus Material

“But you have to suspend disbelief if you ever want to enjoy another movie or watch the president for more than fifteen seconds without running into the street demanding a new constitutional convention.”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster Free with Bonus Material

“Those are the Big Three: clipboards, orange cones, elf suits. People don’t question”
― Tim Dorsey, When Elves Attack

“It would have been the middle of nowhere if it had been closer to other places.”
― Tim Dorsey, Tiger Shrimp Tango

“Anyplace you walked, massive lengths of Spanish moss draped from overhead branches like an endless cavern of ZZ Top beards.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“the key to achievement in life is not letting others define your towers.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“The whole key to social climbing is not having spinach in your teeth.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“I’ve never understood the phenomenon, but everyone absolutely loses their minds whenever they see someone pull out a T-shirt gun. It’s a universal constant that transcends all cultural divides: Republicans, Democrats, rich, poor, glassblowers, Inuit Indians, Motown nostalgia acts: They all pay a fortune for their tickets and sit nicely dressed and civilized. Then the dudes with the T-shirt guns come out and everyone gets that crazy red demon glow in their eyes, ready to tear arms out of their sockets and dive off balconies for three dollars of cotton. On the other end, the guys with the guns are in complete control of the crowd and get a God complex, teasing them, faking shots and making thousands of screaming loons sway left and right with their slightest move. And yet nobody but me can see the potential, like the next time the rest of the world is giving America a bunch of shit, our president just goes before the UN General Assembly and busts out a T-shirt gun. Problem fucking solved.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“Yes Serge has killed a lot of people , but let's not overlook all of his other accomplishments.”
― Tim Dorsey