Atomic Lobster Quotes

“Nothing builds confidence like live ammo.”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster

“Jesus. Why'd you do that?" "That motherfucker slapped me!" "And you just kill him?" "You never motherfuckin' hit a woman!" "How could he have missed you dedication of feminine virtue, especially when you keep saying motherfucker?”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster

“Something else that separates me from society: Super-Positive Perspective! Where normal people would whine about subpar accommodations, I choose to view it as upscale camping.”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster Free with Bonus Material

“I've been like everywhere And we went to a bunch of different places and got really stoned Then we wnet to another place and got stones again ANd we met these other stoners and went somewhere else and ate tacos ANd I lost my keys and we couldn't go anywhere, so we just got stoned Then we ran out of weed, but I remembered my keys were in the other pocket, adn we went somewhere to score, and got stoned..."Colman..." "And more people came over, and we found a bog of marshmallows and made s'mores....”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster

“But you have to suspend disbelief if you ever want to enjoy another movie or watch the president for more than fifteen seconds without running into the street demanding a new constitutional convention.”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster Free with Bonus Material

“Never entangle your life with a stranger when the only thing to gain is the last word.”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster Free with Bonus Material

“True story: Some homeowner’s burning a yard pile just like this one. And he goes inside for lemonade and opens the cabinet under the sink to toss something in the trash, and this rat’s down in the bottom, gnawing a chicken bone. The rat had been driving the guy crazy for months, living in the walls and scampering through the attic at night like it had combat boots. So the guy grabs a rolling pin and beats it to death. Then he takes it outside and throws it on the burning pile.” “Good story,” said Coleman. “What’s the problem?” “The rat’s not dead. The heat wakes him up. It jumps off the pile and makes a beeline for the house. Except now its fur’s on fire. The homeowner tries to intercept, but it zips between his legs, runs back inside and gets in the walls. Ignited the insulation. Whole place burned down.”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster Free with Bonus Material

“[Those] on fixed incomes are the nation's math elite.”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster

“Your mom's not that bad," said Jim. "Are you trying to make me mad?" "Okay she is." "I knew it. You've never liked her." "What's the right answer?" "So you're just telling me what I want to hear?" Jim reached over and put a hand on his wifes. "I love you.”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster

“They say suicide is a permanent solution to temporary problems—”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster Free with Bonus Material

“This is what I keep trying to tell you,” said Serge. “If you’re going to live in this country, you need to speak the language.”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster Free with Bonus Material

“plan? He wanted alpha males to populate the planet by impregnating multiple partners, so he gave females the gift of irrationality, able to morph the least little thing that happens anywhere in the world into being your fault, especially if it’s your fault. Watch any nature show. The top lion is perfectly happy with a lioness, but then he inexplicably moves on. Why? She was trying to change him….”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster Free with Bonus Material

“Simply called “Jim”: St. Pete poetry Miami penis arrest Dead in Paris tub”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster Free with Bonus Material

“A ten-year, double-blind study from the Mayo Clinic concluded that even in late stages of dementia, the last to go is the lobe of the brain in charge of cafeteria layout.”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster Free with Bonus Material

“All the things you’re not supposed to do on land you’re supposed to do on a cruise because it’s one of America’s official responsibility-free zones, like Mardi Gras, New Year’s Eve or Courtney Love. Twenty-four-hour free buffets all over the place, raunchy stage shows, countless bars that won’t cut you off as long as you can knee-walk into a casino and blow the mortgage—”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster Free with Bonus Material

“Is he dead?” “Not sure,” said Serge, “but blood from the ears rarely precedes a big dance number.”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster Free with Bonus Material

“People laugh at turtles, but they’re existentially unambiguous.”
― Tim Dorsey, Atomic Lobster Free with Bonus Material