Shark Skin Suite Quotes

“the key to achievement in life is not letting others define your towers.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“The whole key to social climbing is not having spinach in your teeth.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“That’s life in general: Can’t let jerks dictate your emotions.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“Anyplace you walked, massive lengths of Spanish moss draped from overhead branches like an endless cavern of ZZ Top beards.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“I’ve never understood the phenomenon, but everyone absolutely loses their minds whenever they see someone pull out a T-shirt gun. It’s a universal constant that transcends all cultural divides: Republicans, Democrats, rich, poor, glassblowers, Inuit Indians, Motown nostalgia acts: They all pay a fortune for their tickets and sit nicely dressed and civilized. Then the dudes with the T-shirt guns come out and everyone gets that crazy red demon glow in their eyes, ready to tear arms out of their sockets and dive off balconies for three dollars of cotton. On the other end, the guys with the guns are in complete control of the crowd and get a God complex, teasing them, faking shots and making thousands of screaming loons sway left and right with their slightest move. And yet nobody but me can see the potential, like the next time the rest of the world is giving America a bunch of shit, our president just goes before the UN General Assembly and busts out a T-shirt gun. Problem fucking solved.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“worry is usually interest paid on a debt that never comes due.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“Are you okay?” “I drank coffee. They’ve got the radioactive-strength Cuban kind down here.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“I hate it when other drivers make the left turn super slow with big gaps, as if they’re the only person trying to catch the light. Me? Total courtesy. I pretend the guy behind me is on the same team and it’s my mission to get him through the light as well, like a fullback blocking in the red zone. I often wave them on with my arm out the window. ‘Come on, you can make it! There’s plenty of time!’ Sometimes there is; other times not so much. But I’ve done my job.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“I admit I was the guy who removed all the bullets from the assault rifle’s extended magazine and then filled it with pot. But now I realize that was wrong because marijuana is dangerous.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“And for those playing along at home, we have a new number one for the oxymoron files: death benefits.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“whenever something goes to hell everywhere else in the country, Florida puts it on roller skates with rocket thrusters.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“Make no mistake: I’m all about guns! I just love the legal incongruities our national discourse has spawned, like I can buy a shotgun any time of day without a serious background check, but if I need something for my sniffles, it’s six forms of ID and complete school transcripts. The government has essentially created a system where if I want to clear a head cold, the easiest cure is to blow my brains out.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“fusing themselves into a single new genre about partying all night with gangsta bitches screwing cowboys to the nasty beat that leads to Jesus.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“like. It’s surprising how many”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“If you practice law without a license, they arrest you. And then you’re allowed to be a lawyer and represent yourself. What is that bullshit?”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“company’s new mission statement hung proudly atop the front wall: To enhance our community’s aggregate through multi-platform metrics of media synergy catalyzing integrated outcomes of macro-disciplines toward inclusive methodology paradigms generating positive algorithms of unwavering commitment to our children, the flag and God.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“What’s that big thing up ahead?” “Looks like one of those giant balloons for roadside advertising, except this one’s in front of a church.” “What’s it say?” Serge turned as they went by. “Something about gay marriage ruining everything.” A preacher barked into a bullhorn. Two bullets came down from the sky and popped the balloon. Coleman turned around in his seat. “It deflated on top of the preacher. The others are trying to pull him out.” “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“Cape Coral is the largest city between Tampa and Miami, in terms of square miles, which was 120. Of greater note are its 400 miles of canals, more than any other city in the world, including Venice.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“You’re really smart.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite

“Where are we going?” “To catch a bail jumper.” “You know where one is?” “Yes and no.” Serge pulled a fake document from his pocket. “I don’t have any particular suspect in my sights. But mathematically, at any particular time, there is the nearest bail jumper to you. Might be ten miles, might be one. Except the odds are much better in Florida, where you can throw a rock in any all-night waffle joint and it’ll ricochet off three fugitives.”
― Tim Dorsey, Shark Skin Suite