Lexcar > Lexcar's Quotes

“I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up and excited.”
― Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

“Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I've always thought it prudent to bring some running shoes.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“I'm the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any more cowardly than the next man, unless that next man is any other man besides my clone.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“When a guy at the urinal says to me, "If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it," I like to look over at him, grab his ass, and say, "Shh. I'm about to cum.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called—you guessed it—Cock Tease.”
― Jarod Kintz, This is the best book I've ever written, and it still sucks

“I’m trying to overcome my OCD by replacing my neurosis with three other letters.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

“I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the restaurant, because I quit drinking gasoline years ago.”
― Jarod Kintz, There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't

“You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by the way my wife's naked body glistened through his kitchen window.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Days of Yay are Here! Wake Me Up When They're Over.

“To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“Eating a plain bagel with no cream cheese is like eating the inner tube of a bicycle tire, and I’d rather ride my roller skates to work.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“I like using scented markers. Especially when I’m trying to color the inside of my nostrils.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“She’s not showing any interest in me and she looks like she doesn’t want to be here. Should I take off her handcuffs? I thought kidnap victims were supposed to fall in love with their captors?
”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“4 am—if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“For just over my price range, I can get something way under my quality expectation level. Thanks, inflation!”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“I often wonder how far I’d go for love. I guess it all depends on the price of gas.
”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

“Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not for Sale

“Men and women think about love differently. The main difference is that men simply don’t think about it.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“I have a problem. I wouldn’t say I’m in a pickle. More like a vinegarized cucumber.”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a shit.”
― Jarod Kintz, Love quotes for the ages. Specifically ages 18-81.

“I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“A woman in a box—a great gift for the husband who has everything.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“I want a sexual innuendo sandwich, hold the mayonnaise.”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

“I’d drive a thousand miles just to learn how to conserve gas and help save the environment. But that’s just who I am. I’m a thoughtful guy.
”
― Jarod Kintz, At even one penny, this book would be overpriced. In fact, free is too expensive, because you'd still waste time by reading it.

“My wife and I aren’t a match. We’re a match and gasoline.”
― Jarod Kintz, Who Moved My Choose?: An Amazing Way to Deal With Change by Deciding to Let Indecision Into Your Life

“I need to get my wedding ring resized, because it still fits tight around my neck.”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33

“My face doesn’t match my personality. Maybe it would if instead of a mouth I had an asshole in its place.
”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title

“I enjoy scratching itches on my body with my beard stubble. The worst though is when my lower back itches.”
― Jarod Kintz, This Book Title is Invisible

“She asked me if I wanted to have sex, and I replied, “With you, or in general?”
― Jarod Kintz, $3.33