The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink. Quotes

“He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get back to it.
”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“No matter how much water a sink takes on, it never lives up to its name. The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars).”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“I can take care of myself, but I can’t take care of myself and a child. I’ve decided to give myself up for adoption.
”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“Not only did I lie about lying, but I lied about lying about lying. And you’d better believe that’s the truth.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“Can you tell by where my eyes are looking what I’m thinking? Hint: I’m staring directly at your vagina.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“Love lets us ride on its back as if it were a camel. But you’ve got to water it, or it won’t grow into a healthy rose bush.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work, but two different paths. Who knows, I might find love on one path. Probably the path I don’t choose. 
”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“If you’re going to hold a grudge, at least put on an oven mitt before you pick it up.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“She’s not showing any interest in me and she looks like she doesn’t want to be here. Should I take off her handcuffs? I thought kidnap victims were supposed to fall in love with their captors?
”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“Why watch reality TV when I can just open my blinds and look out my window to all the reality I can handle?”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“I like instant gratification. It’s like instant coffee, only it won’t keep you up all night.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“When I turned 30, I was done with Thousand Island dressing. I have moved on to Island Number 1001.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“When someone says, “One last thing,” it never is. Unless they die right after speaking. Make sure that they do. 
Check their pulse to be certain.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

“My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.”
― Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.