Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this. Quotes

“Men and women think about love differently. The main difference is that men simply don’t think about it.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“From the corner of my eye I saw her. Of course this chance encounter with Rebecca wasn’t serendipitous. (I’m not throwing that word out there to illustrate my broad vocabulary, but rather to show that I am a John Cusack fan). 
”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“I had a few good professors in my painting and drawing classes, but all my graphic design classes tried to teach us how to use Photoshop and Illistrator by showing the class demonstration video clips. You know, exactly like the kind you can watch for free on Youtube, except these video clips cost me thousands of dollars to watch. I felt like I paid a lot of money to learn martial arts, only to show up to find the instructor is fat, sluggish, and cowardly, and he tries to overcome that by trying to teach us how to fight by showing us Chuck Norris movies. (Fact: Chuck Norris could teach me how to fight without even bothering to show up to class).”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“It’s a cliché to say that men think with their penises. But it’s a fact. And penises are notoriously stupid. My penis, for example, probably only has an IQ of 144, or about 12 times its length in inches when limp.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“So that was how I spent nine months of my life. I felt like I was pregnant, except instead of giving life, I was wasting mine.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“Thank goodness women aren’t as superficial as men. Where would a guy like me be if all women cared about were looks? The plastic surgeon’s office, that’s where.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“My eyes are so close together that when I cross my eyes, my irises actually trade places. My skin is so craterous that Neil Armstrong annually rubs my face just to reminisce about his time on the moon. And my nose is so long that my penis is jealous. But enough about how handsome I am.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“Of course, if I had misbehaved that day, my dinner was a salad made entirely out of iceberg lettuce, with water on top instead of dressing. It was like cabbage soup without the dignity.
”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“Seeing no better jobs on the horizon than flipping hamburgers with so much grease it would make Portugal, Italy, and Spain jealous, I decided to go back to school. It reminds me of something Zelda’s mom told her in November 2007: “Some people flip condos and make millions. Your boyfriend couldn’t even flip burgers and make minimum wage.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“Sometimes I put on a black scuba suit and go walking on the beach, to relax. If I could, I’d sleep in a scuba suit—on a waterbed. Not that I actually ever get in the ocean. Too many dangerous things in the water, like barracudas, sharks, and of course there are many lawyers here on the east coast.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“I always wear size 14 boat shoes that are so old they could have been built by Noah.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“If I’m happy, my eyes are chestnut; if I’m surprised, my eyes are hazelnut; if I’m afraid, my eyes look like they just shit themselves; and if I’m crying, my eyes get lighter and greener, like an anorexic leprechaun.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“The morning grass was damp and cool with dew. My yellow rain slicker must have looked sharp contrasted against the bright green that spring provided. I must have looked like an early nineteenth century romantic poet (Walt Whitman, perhaps?) lounging around a meadow celebrating nature and the glory of my existence. But don’t make this about me. Don’t you dare. This was about something bigger than me (by at least 44 feet).

I was there to unselfishly throw myself in front of danger (nothing is scarier than a parked bulldozer), in the hopes of saving a tree, and also procuring a spot in a featured article in my local newspaper. It’s not about celebrity for me, it’s about showing that I care. It’s not enough to just quietly go about caring anymore. No, now we need the world to see that we care. I was just trying to do my part to show I was doing my part.

But no journalists or TV news stations came to witness my selfless heroics. In fact, nobody came at all, not even Satan’s henchmen (the construction crew). People might scoff and say, “But it was Sunday.” Yes, it was Sunday. But if you’re a hero you can’t take a day off.

I’d rather be brave a day early than a day late. Most cowards show up late to their destiny. But I always show up early, and quite often I leave early too, but at least I have the guts to lay down my life for something I’d die for. Now I only laid down my life for a short fifteen-minute nap, but I can forever hold my chin high as I loudly tell anyone who will listen to my exploits as an unsung hero (not that I haven’t written dozens of songs dedicated to my bravery).

Most superheroes hide anonymously behind masks. That’s cowardly to me. I don’t wear a mask. And the only reason I’m anonymous is that journalists don’t respond to my requests for interviews, and when I hold press conferences nobody shows up, not even my own mother.

The world doesn’t know all the good I’ve done for the world. And that’s fine with me. Not really. But if I have to go on being anonymous to make this world a better place, I will. But that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about changing my hours of altruism from 7-8 am Sunday mornings to 9-5 am Monday through Friday, and only doing deeds of greatness in crowded locations.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A Florida winter can last a brutally long 48 hours, and in that time the state’s residents don’t know how to cope. Probably there are more suicides on these two days in Florida than in a whole year of Seattle’s drizzly existence.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“I wanted to study graphic design, because I wanted to work in an office with designer desks, ergonomic chairs, pool tables, and walls so colorful it looks like a flock of flamingoes exploded and splattered evenly from floor to ceiling.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“My forehead is starting to get wrinkled, but you’d hardly notice it because all the wrinkles in my shirt would distract your attention from my face.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“My eyes change color depending on my mood and what I’m wearing. If I’m wearing an acorn brown shirt, my eyes look like squirrel fur. And if I’m wearing no shirt at all, my eyes look more nude and flesh-colored. I guess my ex girlfriend, Zelda, said it best when her friend asked her what I look like and she said: “He looks like you’d imagine him to look like, if you had no imagination.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“Oh, look, there are jobs available in Jacksonville! Today there are two jobs for me and 1.2 million other people in this city to choose from. I can either go into the advertising industry by being a sign spinner, which sounds perfect for me because I really enjoy standing in the heat and getting honked at by drivers, or I can go into public relations by being a part time host/hostess at the Applebees on Old. St. Augustine Rd. Both of these jobs sound great, but since the competition for them is so stiff, I’m really regretting not having taken on another $50,000 dollars of debt and getting a master’s degree. I’m not feeling confident that I’m qualified for either of them.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“If my love for cats were hydrogen, there’d be enough of it to give you skin cancer if you didn’t wear suntan lotion. The only sad part for me about getting a cat from the pound is that I can only choose one. If I could, I’d take home all of them. Actually, my view is why take them home? Why not just move in to an animal shelter? But my future wife wouldn’t go for that. Though I’m pretty sure she could move into a shoe store no problem.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“So I enrolled at the University of North Florida, which, as you can imagine, is in north Florida. That’s about all I have to say about the school itself, as it’s so bland that if it were a food it would be oatmeal. Cold oatmeal.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“My computer set-up is crazy. I have wireless set up on my iMac, aimed at a router, which itself is perfectly angled at another router, which in turn is angled at a sofa covered in tinfoil to bounce the signal to the original source. If you want to sit on that couch, you’d better be wearing a reflective astronaut suit, or at least a spaghetti strainer on your head. It reminds me of something Zelda told me: “The only thing tinfoil should cover is a Kiss. But you wouldn’t know anything about kissing.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“I walk like a shriveled hippopotamus, I jog like a giraffe with charcoal knees, and I run like never.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“First machine kicked man’s ass physically, then machine started taking over the left-brain when Deep Blue bested Kasparov in chess, and then finally the machine fully took over the left-brain when Watson beat the great Ken Jennings on Jeopardy. And now these terminators are coming after right-brained activities too—the creative and emotional side of the brain. Pretty soon we’ll all be driving cars with bumper stickers that say, “Robots make better lovers.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“Speaking of grandmas, have you heard the joke about grandparents and WWII? No? Well, if you do, be sure to tell me because I’d like to hear it too.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“The kitten I got is black and white and has long hair. Really long hair (think Willie Nelson). I decided to call him Cap’n because his markings make him look like a pirate. The majority of his face is white, except over his left eye is a black patch of fur, like an eye patch, and under his chin he has black hair that’s long and comes to a point like a goatee. Also, when I got him he had a parrot on his shoulder and a wooden leg.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“I have thin lips, like two rose petals on top of each other, and I would say I have a Roman nose, but it doesn’t speak Latin.
 Sane, paululum linguae Latinae dico. Caveat emptor!”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“Mrs. Indianapolis was in town again. She looked like a can of Sprite in her green and yellow outfit. She always likes to come down to the front desk just to chat. It was 4:04 am and thankfully I was awake and at the front desk when she got off the elevator and walked towards me. 

“Good morning, Jacob,” she said.

“My name is Jarod,” I replied.

“When did you change your name?”
“I was born Jarod, and I’ll probably die. Maybe.”

“You must be new here. You look like a guy named Jacob that used to work at the front desk.”

“Nope, I’m not new. And there’s no Jacob that’s worked the front desk, nor anybody who looks or looked like me. How can I assist you, Mrs. Indianapolis?”

“I’d like to inform you that the pool is emitting a certain odor.”

“What sort of odor?”

“Bleach.”

“Ah, that’s what we like to call chlorine. It’s the latest craze in the sanitation of public pools. Between you and me, though, I think it’s just a fad.”

“Don’t get sassy with me, young man. I know what chlorine is. I expect a clean pool when I go swimming. But what I don’t expect is enough bleach to get the grass stain out of a shirt the size of Kentucky.”

“That’s not our policy, ma’am. We only use about as much chlorine as it would take to remove a coffee stain the size of Seattle from a light gray shirt the size of Washington.”
“Jerry, I don’t usually give advice to underlings, but I’m feeling charitable tonight. So I’ll tell you that if you want to get ahead in life, you have to know when to talk and when not to talk. And for a guy like you, it’d be a good idea if you decided not to talk all the time. Or even better, not to talk at all.”

“Some people say some people talk too much, and some people, the second some people, say the first some people talk to much and think too little. Who is first and who is second in this case? Well, the customer—that’s you, lady—always comes first.”

“There you go again with the talking. I’d rather talk to a robot than to you.”

“If you’d rather talk to a robot, why don’t you just find your husband? He’s got all the personality and charm of a circuit board. Forgive me, I didn’t mean that.”

“I should hope not!”

“What I meant to say was fried circuit board. It’d be quite absurd to equate your husband’s banter to a functioning circuit board.”

“I’m going to have a talk to your manager about your poor guest service.”

“Go ahead. Tell him that Jerry was rude and see what he says. And by the way, the laundry room is off limits when no lifeguard is on duty.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“As far as how my mom might view me, I can imagine her saying something like this to me: “You may be ugly, son, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be rich. In fact, it kind of means you have to be rich. At least if you don’t want to be asexual and alone your whole life.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“I decide to go outside to enjoy the weather. Out of the corner of my eye I see Thor pushing an empty wheelbarrow, and I wonder if it’s some sort of thought experiment. Either he just got done dumping mulch in the back yard, or this is a great set up for a Zen koan.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.

“I’ll tell him this isn’t just a job to me, it’s a career, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that I’ll surely never take for granted. Will I work nights, weekends, and holidays? There’s nothing I’ve ever wanted to do more. Am I OK with making $8.50/hr and no benefits? $8.50?! That’s exactly my desired pay, and I’ll be so grateful and content with it that I’ll never, ever ask for a raise.”
― Jarod Kintz, Gosh, I probably shouldn't publish this.