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March 10 - March 23, 2025
“It’s not vampire, it’s Love Vampire. I had three choices, and I picked that one.” “Did you actually read the descriptions first?” “Of course I read them, Carl. Besides, it’s the one Mordecai told me to get when we talked about this before.” I relaxed. “That’s good. What does it do?” “It makes one enemy my level or lower give me his heart. That’s what it says. So if I get stabbed, they take the damage instead of me.” “Wait, really?” I said, intrigued. “How often can you do it? How long does it last?” “It lasts until they’re dead. I can do it every couple of hours. Now let me do this, Carl.
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Seize the Day Toothpaste – Five Applications. You know that feeling you get when you walk out into the world with minty-fresh breath? It’s like you can take on any challenge that is thrown your way. It gives you confidence. It boosts your self-esteem. It makes you feel like you’re on top of the damn world. Well, this stuff does none of that. However, if you brush your teeth using this enchanted, cherry-flavored toothpaste, you are imbued with the following buffs for 30 hours: +Three Times Damage to all Boss Monsters. or +Four Times Damage to all Boss Monsters if the Boss is a Province,
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Mordecai’s long-ago advice echoed in my head. Look, kid. I want this to sink deep into your thick skull. You can’t save them all.
That is what this book attempts. To make a hive of those who will never cross paths, except in these pages.
There is consolation in dying in the pursuit of justice, no matter how small or big that death is. I wasn’t sure I agreed with that last part, but by the time I closed my eyes, I felt resigned to the idea that there was something more to be done for those trapped on the tracks. But what was it? I had no fucking clue.
“What the hell, man,” I said, examining the screeching, frothing bedlam in the small transit station. The squealing chaos abruptly stopped. About forty pairs of eyes turned to look at me. “Howdy fellas,” I called.
Another had an equally-ripped shirt with the actor Nicolas Cage’s screaming face on it.
The mobs all had red exclamation marks over their heads, something I hadn’t seen before. It was some sort of buff indicator.
This exclusive mob was created by taking a standard earth baboon and crossing it with the population from a Florida jail drunk tank. Not gonna lie. I’m pretty proud of this one. These guys ruin just about anything we put them in.
Hell yeah, I thought. My upgraded Powerful Strike absolutely destroyed these things. Katia returned to her spiked She-Hulk form. It was about as big as she dared go and still be able to—barely—fit through most doors. Donut jumped onto the back of Mongo. “Ready guys?” I said. I cracked my neck. I cast Bang Bro onto my gauntlet. It hissed with energy. “Let’s do this.”
I paused to watch Katia grapple with her opponent. For a moment, it looked as if the mob was about to power his way out of her arms, but her body jerked to the side, twisting at an unnatural angle, taking the babababoon’s top half with her. It cracked and stopped moving. A blood-soaked baseball cap fell to the floor.
“I’m a mother, too,” Donut was saying as I entered the train. “My boy is named Mongo.”
“No kids,” she said. “I was about to adopt, but aliens destroyed my planet.”
These particular ghouls have been born with the knowledge on how to get to this area. All they need now is enough of their kind to arrive before their purpose becomes clear.
The only thing keeping this guy from attacking you is that “Sensitivity Training” class human resources made him take in order to secure this job.
“Stairwells?” Widget said, either oblivious or uncaring by the sudden ghoul attention. He laughed. “Then why d’hell you come all this way? Why not take the Escape Velocity train? It goes to all the stairwells. He rapped on the metal on the window. ‘Ell, this train stops at 83 Tangerine and Plum. You take the Tangerine up to 89 and hop right on the Escape Velocity. It’ll take you straight to a gaggle of stairwell stations.” He laughed. “Silly crawlers. Always making it difficult.
“Oi, nice shot lassie,” Widget said. He licked his lips and looked at Donut appraisingly. “I like a lassie within’ meat on ‘er bones. Especially ‘em with fight in ‘em.” “Excuse me?” Donut said. “Did you just call me fat?”
yerself doing with this lot? I get off shift in a couple of hours. Got a place up at 60. M’wife will cook us a nice stew.” “Your wife?” Donut asked, incredulous. “She no mind one bit. She’d liken a smack of you too, I reckon. Plus she cook. We got a drop of fresh fish in our food boxes, we did.” “Wait, what kind of fish?” Donut asked. “Yo. Focus. How are we supposed to get out of here?” I asked.
“Better than I hoped for. I appreciate your help.” “Oi. You a good lot.” He winked at Donut. “I’ll be back and we talk some more about that fish, okay, luv?” He turned and ran to the edge of the engine. He paused to wave. And that was when the spider ghoul, the one Donut had killed, turned from an X back to a red dot. It lunged forward and grasped the small, furry gremlin. It ripped the mechanic’s head off in one, smooth motion and started to devour his body. The whole thing happened in less than a second. “Well that’s going to be a problem,” I said.
Mongo will be ready to graduate college by the time you get up there.
Donut: HONESTLY, CARL. GIVE ME A MINUTE. THERE ARE MULTIPLE CONTROL PANELS. IT ALSO SMELLS AWFUL IN HERE. JUST AWFUL. WIDGET WAS A VERY MESSY CREATURE. HOW MANY LOTION CONTAINERS DOES ONE GREMLIN NEED? I CAN’T IMAGINE HIS WIFE WAS A VERY GOOD COOK CONSIDERING HOW MUCH TIME HE OBVIOUSLY SPENT UP HERE. Carl: Make sure you loot everything. You never know what might come in handy. Donut: WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A PUN? Carl: Just hurry up. Donut: DON’T PRESSURE ME, CARL.
Carl: I think I know which one. I’ll tell you when to stop. Now see if there’s a control up there that will open the gate. Donut: I ALREADY OPENED IT BY ACCIDENT AND MORE GHOULS STARTED WALKING OUT. I DIDN’T TELL YOU BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT GET MAD.
This is a Non-Combatant NPC. Madison’s real name was probably something like Jennifer or Ruth, but she had it legally changed to something more trendy right around the same time as her divorce. After multiple rounds of breast augmentation, Pilates, and labiaplasty, Madison has emerged as a new woman. She don’t need no man. While only a human resources associate—after all, she started her career late—she still walks the world with new confidence. She won’t tell this to any of her friends at her book club, but she relishes the power she has over the other Iron Tangle employees. She feels an
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I nodded. When they’d programed this floor in, they’d given all these NPCs a bunch of false memories, but they hadn’t set up a proper foundation. All the stories were paper thin, like the background of an NPC in an actual game. This was probably the first time since the floor started that Madison had left her office. I thought of Brandy and her two new babies. When this floor was done, would she be able to keep the children?
A crawler named Herot had written the 16th edition of the cookbook, and she had a long essay in the back about the nature of the NPCs. She had a theory she called, “The Worn Path Method,” which suggested success in quests and puzzles was much easier when you deliberately broke through the fourth wall. She believed the NPCs were the weakest link in this world because they were biological and not autonomous. I’d only read the first few paragraphs so far. She claimed that breaking them out of their reverie was cruel, but also necessary if one wanted to survive. Ask them questions, and then
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Oh, and I am the benefits manager for all the Kravyad and the six Station Mimics.” “The what?” “Terminus. The Station Mimics. There are six of them, and boy do they get cranky if we don’t send enough passengers into them. Those things are ravenous. We tell the workers to always tell the customers to get off on 433, but you’d be surprised at how awful dwarves are at following instructions. And don’t get me started on the mantaurs. They can’t keep their paws to themselves.” Carl: Bautista. Do not get off at the Terminus Station. It’s a goddamned trap.
Another is demanding hazard pay after getting stabbed by a crawler.
“Holy shit, lady. Start with the basics.
They’re still quite dazed until the moment they get on the trains. And by then it’s too late to request time off.
I refrained the urge to choke the woman out. All of this information about how they abused their workers was infuriating, terrifying, and painfully familiar, but it was also irrelevant.
“Armband?” I asked. I couldn’t help it. She beamed. “It was my idea. We tell them that if they wear the armband during one more run, the Kravyad will know to teleport them straight home at the end of the shift. But really it lets the Kravyad know they’re troublemakers who are okay to eat. It added another 5% to our productivity in Q2. Even Rod was impressed.” Donut: I DON’T LIKE THIS LADY. SHE’S ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO IS REALLY MEAN BUT DOESN’T THINK THEY’RE MEAN. Carl: No kidding.
Brandy knocked on the furnace door. I opened it. She started grilling Madison about her paycheck while I stepped outside to escape the heat.
What sort of inefficient bullshit is that? Carl: You were never in the military, were you?
You may be the one who does hiring and firing, but it’s not your decision. You are ze boot, not ze foot.
PVP Coupon. Ah, betrayal. Sweet, delicious betrayal. If you have this coupon in your inventory, and you kill the crawler whose name appears on the backside of this coupon, you will receive the following rewards: Gold Savage Box Gold Weapons Box Gold Apparel Box Platinum Adventurer Box (This benefit may only be redeemed a max of 3 times) +1 Player Level (This benefit may only be redeemed a max of 3 times) I flipped the paper over. The slip read: Crawler #4,122. Carl.
You should know Elle did not get them when she got her skull. I used to think people only got them on the first floor, but after Donut told me about the two she received, I now think only the first member of a party to get the player-killer skull gets the coupon book.
She’s like a child, Carl. She doesn’t process things the way a person does.
I had no idea Donut and Imani had ever said two words to each other. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. It made sense. Donut had done the same thing I just did, which was immediately turn to the person with the most experience in the matter. The coupons were designed to instill a wedge in a group, whether they were used or not, and Donut recognized that. It was a smart, mature decision. Still, it suddenly felt as if something had changed in the dynamic between us.
Stations 36 and 48 were identical to station 24. It was too soon for the ghouls to have walked this far. We’d check on them again after we ditched Madison. Zev sent us a message that we needed to find a saferoom soon because we were supposed to go onto that show in a few hours. I told her we were too busy, and she said she’d have us teleported away no matter what we were doing. I told her to go fuck herself, and she laughed as if I was joking.
but why do you have to give Donut away? Do you know how much money she’s going to sell for, Carl? She’s a former international grand champion. She’s past her prime. I don’t understand what you’re not getting about this. Goddamn bullshit. All of this.
With 50, I wanted to see if it was one of the Krakaren drug dens. It was not. The trap door lifted revealing a tiny room the size of a small house. A single ramp sectioned down, leading to nine different platforms. The small station had no mobs. It looked as if it had never been visited by anything or anybody.
“I don’t understand. This is where our employees live. This is where their families live. What did you do?” “Now you know why they made you give everyone mandatory overtime,” I said.
Instead they were playing up the evil corporation angle, which I thought was pretty meta considering the source of all this bullshit.
“If not security, then Rod will come,” she added out of nowhere. “Rod always comes.” “Who the hell is Rod?” “He’s her ex-husband, Carl. Haven’t you been paying attention?
“Bye, Madison,” I said, turning away. “Go fuck yourself, okay?” “Right back at you, boxer boy.”
Time to level collapse: 4 days, 20 hours.
But a new wrinkle had developed. Defenseless, the Kravyad was now threatening to kill herself if the crawlers got any closer. The crawlers remained on the platform while one of them, apparently a former police negotiator, was talking to her through the doorway.
“I bought shield spell,” Bomo said proudly. “The Sledge cast magic protect. I cast smack protect.” “That’s really awesome,” I said. “We appreciate it.”
“We should go into the Bitches and Penis Parade strip clubs to see if anybody is in there,” Donut said. “Plus I’ve always wanted to see a naked man dance around. One with better moves than that one weird guy who always came over when you were gone. He used to dance in the mirror and stare at himself and call himself a king. He’d put your socks on his wang and twirl them around in the mirror.”
I approached and sat down next to the man, keeping him more than an arm’s length away. “Hello, Frank,” I said. “It’s been a while. You look like shit.”
