The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #3)

by Matt Dinniman

Donut sighed. She whispered something to Katia. They both started laughing. “What?” I asked. “What’s so funny?” “You’re going to get us killed one way or the other, Carl. It might as well be for a good cause,” Donut said. I grunted. “Well they do say I’m crazy.”

home in on

My fellow crawlers were standoffish at first considering what had happened with Hekla, plus Donut and I looked like extras from a Hellraiser movie. But once people learned about why I was collecting the hats, a chorus went out. I’d been expecting people to selfishly hold onto them just in case there was one last trick, or so they could sell them later, but that’s not what happened at all. People worked together. They coordinated. They spread the word. In twenty minutes, I had over 700 of the hats piled in front of me plus another fifteen colored-line keys that would also work for the portals. It was enough, for now. Hopefully it’d remain that way. Yes, I thought. There is hope for us. Not a lot. But it’s there.

“Don’t track blood on the floors,” Katia called as we all tracked blood on the floor.

“Miss Beatrice once used scissors to get poop off my butt,” Donut said. “Uh huh,” I said. “Once?” “We’re having a moment here, Carl. Don’t ruin it.”

You might want to see a shrink. One that your group doesn’t immediately kill. Reward: We don’t reward this sort of behavior. It’s weird.

“What should we do with all of this gold?” she asked. Donut gasped. “Are we going shopping? Do you think if we buy a lot of stuff, they’ll have a shopping montage scene on the show, like in Pretty Woman?”

That had garnered her a Legendary Grrl Power box for being the first woman in the dungeon to use the corpse of a human male to kill a mob.

“Hey, why do those two guys get to be in the same spot? That’s not fair! Carl and I should both be number three! Katia, too!” “I don’t know,” I said. “It’s also weird they hardly ever show that goat thing, but he’s number two.”

“Still wearing protective gear, I see,” I said. Zev furiously and uselessly rubbed at the exterior of her helmet where Mongo had fogged it up. “Yes, Carl. The protections aren’t in place like they should be.”

So, Katia. Regarding Odette’s show. She had to pay quite a bit more to make you exclusive, so she added a few, uh, riders to the contract. Namely, you need to be more ‘zippy’ I think the word was. Apparently last time Odette thought your interview performance was a little lackluster.” Katia frowned and crossed her arms. “I’ll tell you what,” I said. “Katia, I’ll give you a zip lesson right now. Okay? Repeat after me. I want you to say, ‘Go fuck yourself, Zev.’” Katia laughed. “I’m not going to say that.” “Don’t be crude, Carl,” said Donut. “Also, Mongo is not anybody’s property. This is an outrage!” Mongo squawked in agreement.

“I wish it was that simple,” Zev said. “Plus there’s more. Something happened back at home. A bunch of people… I really can’t talk about it. It’s difficult for those of us who aren’t party members. I’m holding on the best I can, guys. But I gotta go. I believe in you. Keep doing what you’ve been doing. Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. They’re going to make your chats public starting tomorrow for people who pay extra. Sorry about that.” And without another word, she popped and disappeared, splashing more water over the floor. “That’s just wonderful,” I grumbled.

whomever

Aka lucia mar

Once the wreck is reached, the debris scoop is switched to abyss mode, clearing the line of the damage.

though when she emerged that last time, the system designated her as a gnoll. The skill, when she used it for this sort of thing, was terrifying. She’d tossed all of her most recent points into constitution, but seeing her as a perfect gnoll made me realize maybe those earlier points she’d tossed in charisma wasn’t such a bad idea. If we continued to work on her self-confidence we’d have the perfect spy on our hands.

The plan was simple, but it wasn’t without risk. It was a “Carl plan” as Donut called it.

I placed Growler Gary’s second hand on the key. Warning: You must use your left hand to activate the key. “Fuck,” I said. “Mongo,” Donut called. “Come on, we’re going back to the bar.”

The moment I pulled one of the hands away, the train shut off. I’d been hoping once the train started, it no longer needed the hand keys. “Fuck,” I said. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” “Mongo,” Donut said. “Back to the bar.”

He whimpered like an injured dog, and the sound hurt my heart.

“Okay, everybody cover your ears,” I said as I finished placing the final trap onto the sixth cart. “I’m putting a delay on all of them, but I’m going to set this one off just to make sure it works like we want.” “How am I supposed to cover my ears, Carl?” Donut asked.

There are some pretty weird ones, though. There’s a guy here who is a mushroom. Why would you turn yourself into a mushroom? He looks like a penis. Like one of those weird ones that’s really wide and short. My boyfriend before my Barry had a dick like that. It smelled like mushrooms, too.

his Tigran race made him look like a tiger that had been vomited upon by a Lisa Frank notebook.

In stage three, this mob’s form has changed, and it bears very little resemblance to its original self. Kind of like how all you humans did after you finally got out of quarantine.

Donita Grace: Holy shit. Holy shit. Guys. Don’t go to stop 24. They’re everywhere. Millions of them. Worse than the grubs. Don’t… Warning: This message is from a deceased crawler.

And as Doctor Ian Malcolm once famously said, Life, uh, finds a way.

I suggest a nice, firm stomp.

So without any further fanfare and very little discussion about how terrible of an idea this was, the four of us loaded up onto a rapid response cart and dialed ourselves onto the Mindaro line and headed down the track in an attempt to find the source of the problem.

“It’s between yellow and green. It’s named after a French liqueur. Actually, there’s some controversy on what the exact shade should be. It’s very interesting.” “I’m sure it’s riveting,” I said. Katia stuck her tongue out at me. And then her tongue formed into a little hand with a tiny middle finger pointing up. I laughed. “Holy shit, that’s weird. You’re getting fast at that.”

It was 800 people between the two groups, and we had gotten them all to a stairwell station.

The ceiling had caved in, but the circle of stairwells remained, and people had cleared the rubble. We sent out word that it was a place to descend without fighting, and people were now flocking to the area. The crawlers who’d died blowing the soul crystal had, at the very least, not died in vain.

We’d just accidentally teleported the entire station mimic city boss to trainyard E. “Whoops,” I said.

It seemed much too big to be only a city boss. Which begged the question, how strong were those things at the stairwell stations? The province bosses? For fuck’s sake.

Elle: Are you about to do something really stupid, or have you done it already? Carl: Both.

Our plan was a success. There had been just over 1,400 people trapped at the end of the line, and we’d gotten them if not to safety, to a place where they at least had a chance.

There was this moment, right after the music abruptly ended, where our slow-moving cart coasted to a stop right behind the other cart, and we just faced the large crowd. The silence hung for a good few seconds, and then the 600 people broke out in applause.

again pulling you from the game of it all to the greater implications to humanity as a whole

“I know,” he said. “But we couldn’t have made it here without your help. And for that I’ll be forever grateful.” He gave me a wink and pulled the hat off his head. He put it on the ground in front of Donut, who looked up at him with wide-eyed surprise. “For you, Princess Donut.” “It’s not necessary, I’m sure,” she said, suddenly switching to her imperial voice. “Please, keep it. I insist.” But suddenly there was a line of people, all of them putting their hats in a pile of front of Donut. Her eyes shined, and her jaw trembled, revealing her two lower fangs as the people, one by one bowed in front of her and dropped the stupid train hat on the ground in tribute. “Thank you, Princess,” they said, one by one. “Of course,” she said to each person. “It was nothing. Our pleasure.” Carl: Was this your idea? Bautista: Your partner, Katia, suggested it. I looked over at her, and she grinned. Donut gathered all the hats up into her inventory, tail swishing with pleasure. I suspected now that most of the crawlers were all at the front of the lines, shopkeepers would be less likely to give us money for these things. But we held onto the moment. I didn’t know what was going to come next, or if we’d even done anything here today other than delay the inevitable, but it felt good. By god, it felt good.

Enchanted Shade Gnoll Riot Forces Crowd Control Shield. Sometimes the galaxy isn’t a happy place. Sometimes the unwashed masses forget their place in the machine. And sometimes these dregs bubble up to the surface, causing a phenomenon widely known as “Civil Unrest.” And when that happens, the powers that be don’t want to become the powers that were. So they hire backup. An outside force to come down and kick everything back into order, and maybe commit a few war crimes in the process just so the filth knows their place. One such outfit, trained specifically for this sort of situation, is the Shade Gnoll Riot Forces.

Rooted in Place This skill makes it much more difficult to knock you over or back. That’s not necessarily a good thing, physics being what they are. Be careful with this one.

and to teach those ungrateful bastards to show some got-damned respect.

“It’s not very thrilling,” Donut agreed. “This is like getting an electric litterbox for your birthday. Indeed it’s useful. But it’s a litterbox for goodness sake. I was hoping for something with a little more pizazz.” “First off, that’s what Bea asked for,” I said. “I don’t understand how someone can get pissed for receiving what they asked for. Second, that thing was like 300 bucks. Anyway, Katia, this is definitely a good thing. Troll or not, you’re getting more and more powerful. Mordecai said he got a sex toy in his first fan box.” “Did you really buy your girlfriend a litterbox for her birthday?” “He did,” Donut said. “Miss Beatrice was quite rightfully upset.” Katia laughed as she attempted to equip the large shield.

May be triggered via hotlist or by shaking your wrist like you’re thinking of your hot Aunt Lydia.

This item is enchanted with Shatter. Any attack that lands upon this shield has a 1.5% chance to disarm the opponent. If the opponent is disarmed, there is a 90% chance the item will drop to the ground, a 5% chance the weapon will break, and a 5% chance the weapon will be immediately transferred to your own inventory.

The Bolt of Ophiotaurus This is 1 of 100. This item acts as a regular crossbow bolt unless it is shot directly into the eye of a deity. Upon a successful strike to the god’s eye, the deity’s invulnerability pauses for fifteen seconds. “Well, shit,” I said. “I’m starting to think the sister isn’t a huge fan of her big brother.”

It’s also so fun thinking of the possibilities of future plot points or high intensity moments where some of these gifts or abilities could come into play

The monster, a hulking conglomeration of screaming, gnashing ghouls made short work of the crawlers. It formed a giant pincer made of ghoul body parts and gathered the crawlers up. Mouths formed on the interior of the claw and devoured the crawlers as it crushed them. They all died screaming.

and I just wanted to say how proud we are of human tenacity. Quite frankly, we expected the number of deaths to be much higher on this floor. It’s making us rethink how easy the next floor was going to be. Hah.

We have also patched a few persistent bugs with the inventory system. Effective immediately, you may no longer store liquids in your inventory unless they are in a container.

Oh no what about the blood katia has stored lmao she just cleaneddd

“A few things, yes,” I said. “We need to…” I didn’t finish. Katia exploded. At least that’s what I thought had happened at first. Blood erupted out of her. Gallons and gallons of it, flying in every direction. It just kept coming and coming, an impossible amount. We all cried in surprise. I was blasted in the face, getting bukkaked by the fetid, stinking liquid. I fell over trying to get away, gasping and choking. Donut squealed and leaped across the room. Mordecai also flew backward, stumbling over the couch, his frog legs sticking straight up into the air. And still, the red spray didn’t let up. It hit the ceiling and all the far walls, like it was being sprayed from a multi-directional pressure washer. Mongo shrieked in joy, spinning about like a child in the rain. It kept coming for twenty full seconds before trickling to a stop. Katia just stood there in the middle of the room, eyes huge. Once it stopped, the room was filled with the sound of my coughing and Mordecai’s croaking and the tap-tap-splash-tap of Mongo dancing in circles like he was playing in a wading pool.

focused on Katia. The blood spread out from her in a circle. It hadn’t gone straight up, but in every direction around her. She hadn’t been touched. Holy shit. There wasn’t a single damn drop of blood on her. I had a thought. An exploit. I wondered how well it would work. But it was definitely something they’d patch if I even tried it. I filed that information away.

“Really, Katia,” Donut said, leaping to my shoulder. “If you need to borrow a sanitary napkin, just ask.”

Mongo had the zoomies