The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #3)

by Matt Dinniman

Enchanted Night Wyrm’s Ring of Divine Suffering.

Warning. Once a mark is set, you may no longer heal. If you are injured, or poisoned, or if you get a hangnail, you will suffer the ill effects and pain of that injury until the moment your prey is killed. So choose your marks carefully. Don’t let them get away.

Thats what happened to their daughter, the mom mercy killed her

That was why Maggie had killed her own daughter. She was in pain from the explosion. She wasn’t going to heal. The pain wasn’t going to stop. Not as long as I was alive.

“She was beautiful, you know. On the inside, I mean. She didn’t have that anger in her. Not like her mother. Or her dad. When she ran away, it wasn’t because she was a bad kid. It was self-defense. Kids aren’t always a product of their parents. But sometimes that doesn’t matter. Sometimes parents can cast a shadow so thick, you can drown in it.”

“You don’t understand what it means to be responsible for somebody. You don’t have a kid in here with you. You don’t understand what that responsibility means, what a weight that is on your shoulders. And when you fail, it’s like being crushed, constantly crushed, only you don’t die. And the pain never stops. It just keeps coming and coming.”

This feels like a donut flag and im NOT here for it

In a way, people like him were worse than the Syndicate and the aliens who’d destroyed us. He was one of us, and he’d turned against his own.

“Come on, Carl,” Donut said. “It’s time for us to leave.” I turned to see her standing there on The Sledge’s shoulder, glaring at Frank. Both her and The Sledge now had pink feather boas around their necks. The Sledge now also wore a cowboy hat. Hanging from the boa on the Sledge’s neck was a giant pinback button that read, “I like my sausages extra-large. Penis Parade. Desperado Club Floor One.”

I suddenly thought of those PVP coupons. I wondered if Maggie had one. I wondered if she’d received extra rewards for killing her own daughter. I shuddered.

The man drunkenly watched me take the ring and slip it onto my left index finger. “Vengeance is mine,” he said.

Ok so carls gotta be able totake it off and he just did that to give Frank some peace

She said my conversation with Frank and my “stunningly controversial decision” to wear the ring along with “Donut’s amazing lap dance” at the male bordello were the top two feeds in the world during that hour. I didn’t want to know what had happened in the strip club.

There’s another crawler talking to him right now, but it’s not a woman.”

Donut rushed to the round window which extended from the floor to the ceiling. She put her two paws up on the glass, gazing out.

“I don’t understand a word of what the fuck you just said.” The robot sighed. “I apologize, Carl. Let me translate it to earth monkey speak. The mudskippers are cheap bastards who have built this entire crawl with spit and duct tape and items they have purchased at the equivalent of an interstellar swap meet. Everything is built with very little regard for system security and is done as cheaply as possible. The fact it hasn’t yet broken down or bitten them in the ass is a testament to the very real existence of the concept of ‘dumb luck.’ Do you understand now?” I gave the robot a thumbs up. “Got it.”

“Carl, do you think there’s ever been a cat under the ocean before?” Donut asked. She was making an odd, chirping noise as she watched the occasional fish dart by.

Remind me sometime, and I’ll tell you the story of Unsinkable Sam. He was a famous cat from World War II who survived multiple ship sinkings.” “I didn’t know about this,” Donut said. “So he was a hero cat?” “Every boat he served on ended up at the bottom of the ocean. I don’t know if that makes him a hero.” “But he survived?” “Yep,” I said. “Ended up dying of old age.” “Sounds like a hero to me,” Donut said.

as evidenced by my recent trip to an Arby’s-themed saferoom.

Disgusting

Don’t you want the universe to know about your culture?” “I do, actually,

“How off script is she?” “She is telling the universe about a breed of dog called a cocker spaniel, about the real reason why they are the winningest champion of the Crufts dog show. It is fascinating. We have never heard such a tale of evil and intrigue.” “Goddamnit, Donut,” I said. She saw me through the booth window and waved. Carl: Don’t make shit up. Donut: I AM TELLING THE TRUTH THAT NEEDS TO BE TOLD, CARL.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said, anger rising. “Your rented slave labor isn’t participating like how you wanted? Well, let me look for some sympathy.” I patted myself on the chest. “Nope, all out.”

“It was Chris. Chris killed him. Sledgie said he did it and walked right out. Now he’s banned from the club. Sledgie said he’s a rock monster like him, but a different kind.”

Probs bc hes strangely obsessed w carl?

At that moment, I had to confront something that had been at the back of my mind since the moment Odette had cautioned me about Hekla. Why hadn’t you warned Donut about what Hekla really wants? Why hadn’t you told Mordecai? I knew the answer, I always knew the answer, but I hadn’t admitted it to myself. You think she would be better off with Hekla’s team. You think Mordecai would think so, too. That’s why you never told them. It had been nagging me for a while, but I’d kept pushing it to the back of my mind. Stupid. Self-destructive. It was also par for the course. I thought of what the late Frank had said to me, about being responsible for someone else. You don’t understand what that responsibility means, what a weight that is on your shoulders. And when you fail, it’s like being crushed, constantly crushed, only you don’t die. And the pain never stops. It just keeps coming and coming. But seeing that woman, Eva, with all the skulls over her head, any thoughts I had of Donut being better off fled. For all I knew, each and every one of those skulls was someone who had deserved it. Or maybe it had been a mercy kill like with Imani. But my instincts told me, no. No, no, no. I could see both Hekla’s and Eva’s eyes flash, and I knew they were talking, plotting.

Carl: Donut. Be careful, okay? I am getting a bad vibe from that Eva woman. Don’t trust her. Donut: RIGHT? SHE’S SCARY. SHE KEEPS LOOKING AT YOU LIKE YOU’RE A CAN OF FANCY FEAST. Carl: If anything happens to me, question everything. Donut: WHAT DO YOU MEAN? Carl: Just watch that one, okay? And keep an eye on Hekla, too. I know you like her, and so do I, but I don’t think she likes me too much. She might let me get hurt if it will help her team.

“Okay,” I said out loud. “We’ll help. Just don’t get me killed so you can have Donut all to yourself.” Eva’s mouth tightened. Hekla laughed. And at that moment, I saw it. It was just a glimmer in the normally stoic woman’s facade, but it was there. She’s having fun. She likes this. She’s as crazy as the rest of us.

Katia: This is just like when Donut wanted to climb up the chain and turn the roundabout. You’re a… a backseat dungeon driver. You only don’t like the idea because you didn’t come up with it. Ouch.

I turned to look at Katia. “As long as that’s cool with you.” To my surprise, she walked up to me and hugged me, long and tight. “Thank you,” she whispered in my ear. I had no idea for what.

“I just realized you’re the only boy here,” Donut said. “All these people, and there’s only one penis. You could start a harem. Like the guy on that Sister Wives television show.” I laughed. “Nobody is starting a harem.” “No, I suppose not,” Donut said. “You couldn’t even keep one woman interested.”

“Was Hekla a professor, too?” “No,” Katia said. “She was Eva’s psychiatrist.”

I thought of Frank Q killing people so his daughter could have a chance. I thought of my own mother, and what she did. This is my birthday present to you. I am giving you a chance at life. I’m sorry it took me so long.

Oooo

The chaos of this entire floor was starting to form into something a little more cohesive than I’d originally suspected. This wasn’t just a maze. It was an almost-perpetual engine. In the next day, these things were going to be everywhere.

A moment later we hit a small group of ghouls mixed in with some fist-sized fairies who exploded. When we hit the flying creatures, they detonated in a mix of sparkles that covered the front of the scoop with rainbow-colored luminescence. Hekla leaned back from the window, rubbing the blood and gore from her face. She suddenly grinned big and said, “There are many wonders in a cow’s head.” “Indeed,” Eva said. I had no idea what the hell that meant.

Elle: Okay. Stay frosty. Donut: IS THAT YOUR NEW CATCHPHRASE? I LOVE IT. Elle: Yeah, I’m throwing a few out there to see what sticks.

“Station coming up!” Eva cried. “I’m going to slow down!” “Not until Katia is healed again,” I yelled. “Where the fuck is Silfa? Is she down?” “She ran,” Donut said, breathless.

but Hekla killed them both in the confusion.

Hmmm...

It was like she’d been hit with a debuff, but it didn’t show on her status.

Like the guy that got killed by the trident...? Is Eva hording her pvp cards and killing people off maybe when theyre close to death or hopeless to farm the benefit?

Carl: Donut, be cool. This doesn’t have to turn into a fight. She was trying something, and whatever it was, it didn’t work. We don’t want to fight her. “You tried to kill Katia you fucking bitch!” Donut cried. She blasted a full-strength Magic Missile right into Hekla’s face.

But Donut would not stop shaking. “I used to think you were awesome, Hekla. But you’re just like all the rest! You pretend to be good, but you’re not! It was a lie, all a lie. Why? Why can’t we trust anyone? You told Katia you wanted her. You made her feel special and loved, but you just wanted to use her and trade her in.”

Oh no Donut knows about Bea

“She didn’t do anything wrong, Carl. She did her best. It’s not fair.” “I know, Donut.”

Katia

Thats why they were annoyed katia stayed in donuts party bc they wouldnt get the pvp bonus

Katia had a special ability she didn’t like to use very often.

What a masterful dynamic lead in

Instead, she inadvertently became the first crawler on this season of Dungeon Crawler World to kill one of the top 10 and claim a bounty. In this case it was Hekla the Amazonian Shieldmaiden, the current number two in the game, whom she splattered against the interior wall of the train, thus earning herself a bounty of 500,000 gold. And in that moment, just before all hell broke loose all over again, I finally noticed Katia’s level. She’d been level 24 when she’d formed herself into a cowcatcher at the front of the train. When she fell back from the wall, skull forming over her head—a special, golden skull—I saw that she was now level 37.

System Message. A champion has fallen. A bounty has been claimed.

Its so hunger games

At the same moment, Eva lunged at Katia, swords flashing. Hekla reached up and caught one saber in her hand.

Omg donut

“Holy shit, Donut,” I said, scrambling forward. She’d cast Second Chance on Hekla’s corpse, and then she’d cast Clockwork Triplicate on the minion, creating three Heklas. It was brilliant. It was fucked up, but it was brilliant.

Like father like daughter

the daughters.

Well heres another enemy to add to our list

“Goddamn it, there’s nowhere to sit down and have a breakdown in here.”

There was no reason to laugh. None of this was funny. But we laughed. We laughed long and hard. It didn’t make sense.

Thats gonna be manipulated on tv

Donut returned to my shoulder. She hissed at the fairy. “If you try something, I will rip you from the air and eat off your wings. I’ve done it before.”

the crab ranch,

We have nothing. What are we going to do?” I shook my head. “I don’t know. There’s a whole train of people out there. I’m sure someone would love to join up with a healer and two mages. It won’t be us, though. We’ll never trust each other, and that sucks. It really does. It’s exactly what they want to happen, and it breaks my fucking heart.”

I received a nasty notification the moment I touched it. Warning: You have a dick. “Thank you for the information,” I said to the ceiling as I examined the weapon’s properties.