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March 10 - March 23, 2025
Choo Choo, Motherfucker.
“She’s quite the handful, isn’t she?” I remembered what Odette had said about Hekla wanting to steal Donut away. “More than you know,” I said.
“Wow,” Katia said. “My constitution is double what it normally is. I’m at 102. I have an active momentum bonus even though I’m not moving.” “Good,” I said. That means you’re our meat shield, I didn’t add.
that meant I needed to work on my hand-to-hand. Last floor had been all about explosions. I suspected that was going to take a backseat here.
The best one is Mascot. If Mongo deals damage to an enemy, everybody in the party receives a bonus to dexterity and constitution. If he kills a mob, the bonus lasts for a couple hours.”
There’s another benefit I hadn’t anticipated, too. She’d received a level-5 Negotiation skill with that Artist Alley class. Before you guys left the third floor, she’d raised the skill to level 7 thanks to all that selling you did. When she lost that class, the five levels went away, but she retained the two she’d received, including the skill experience, so it actually bumped itself up to four on its own.
in other words, use Mongo as much as you can, and you’ll keep that Mascot benefit.
Also, from now on, we should keep an eye out for classes with rare spells. If she levels the spell at least once, then I think she’ll keep it.
It’s rumored these lil’ rascals can devour a full-sized elephant down to the bone in less than five seconds. And you’re a lot smaller than an elephant.
but once triggered, it would keep spiking up and down forever,
This service plate is magically locked. You need a Red Line Engineer’s Key to access this area. Do you have a key? No you don’t. So back off.
Peaking at Number 2 on January 13, 2007, it’s “Fergalicious!” The announcement was so loud it rattled the walls.
Katia: How is that going to work? I don’t understand. Donut: JUST GO WITH IT. WHEN CARL SAYS TO DO SOMETHING WE DO IT. ALSO, I LOVE THIS SONG.
The magical shell disappeared the moment I cast it, rocketing away toward car 16, then 17, then 18, then 19, then 20, and then away, stuck in that same place along the tracks it’d been when I cast, pushing all the mobs along with it like a bulldozer, squishing them into paste against the first surface they met.
Katia: I’m going to be sick. Oh my god, Carl. I’ve never seen anything like this. Donut: YOU BETTER GET USED TO IT.
“Go fuck yourselves, creepy babies.”
And a small, general store called “Limp Richard’s Sundries.”
They are hunted ruthlessly by the tunnel trolls, who like to capture and lick them. Not because they impart any sort of hallucinogenic effect. It’s just that tunnel trolls are weird-ass fuckers.
Error> Reward and achievement removed by Syndicate Court Order. New Achievement! Cuck Aquaman! You got fucked by a fish. You’ve done something so spectacularly controversial, courts and lawyers had to get involved. The end result was *my* decision being overturned. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum It’s Not My Fault You Fish-Headed Assholes Don’t Properly Program Your Quests Box.
The AI running the game almost always obtains a bit of a personality and an attitude, especially near the end. When their decisions get countermanded by the court, it tends to break something in their virtual minds. They usually act out by doing something like this. But normally the veto comes much later in the game. I don’t know what sort of effect this is going to have.
Enchanted Necklace of the Haute Bourgeoisie The second smallest of the chains of leadership, it is still considered a great honor to be the custodian of this burden. Each jewel encrusted upon this charm represents a settlement owned and controlled by the bearer. If one still maintains a settlement’s jewel upon the collapse of the level, the holder of this necklace will permanently receive a tax stipend every ten days from that settlement based on size and population. In addition, each gem will impart additional benefits based on the town. In order to upgrade this necklace, one must first
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The AI’s special box opened next. It was just seven slips of paper. I laughed out loud at the prizes. Coupon for a free Personal Space, upgraded to level three. Coupon for a free tier one environmental upgrade. (x2) Coupon for a free tier one crafting table. (x2) Coupon for a table upgrade. (x2)
“But Princess Donut, it’s the lowest I can go,” Wendita pleaded. “It won’t let me go below 37,500 gold. If we go lower than that, I will have to personally pay the difference myself.” “Well, how much do you have saved up?” Donut asked. The cat had a wild look to her eyes. “You’ll be free to visit any time you like.” “Wait, really?” Wendita asked.
Talon Strike Birds have ugly feet. Disgusting feet, really. Still, there’s something sensual about the sight of a hawk swooping down upon its prey, talons out, and slashing. It’s so sudden, so unexpected, so explosively violent. Such violence. Sweet, sweet violence. Turns the side of your bare foot into a fast-moving slashing weapon, increasing the damage against opponents by up to (Level of skill) times your regular kicking damage for (Level of skill) seconds. Each kick using this skill has a 2% chance to cast the instakill spell Eviscerate. This melee skill has a cooldown of five minutes.
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Cant wait to see eviserate come in clutch later
“You can be like that liquid metal Terminator guy,” Donut said. “That’d be really cool.” “I never saw that movie,” replied Katia. “I don’t like violence.” “You’re in the wrong job then, honey.”
If she’s 90% flesh and 10% metal, she can make herself to look like a regular, unarmored human, but what you perceive as her bikini, or her feet, or her hands, can really be the material from the helmet. As long as it’s 10%, and it’s continuous. You can’t break up the item. Also, there’s some elasticity issues with certain enchanted materials, plus certain limits still exist, like she’s not allowed to grow four arms so she can wear forty rings, but you get the idea.”
Strength: 41 +3 (When Gauntlet Formed) Intelligence: 15 Constitution: 34 Dexterity: 23 Charisma: 25
The Good Rest bonus adds 10% to all of your stats and allows for 10% higher experience and skill training.”
Entering The Royal Palace of Princess Donut.
Grim.
“Okay, that’s enough exposition for now,” I said.
But I dreaded the idea of not being able to get into a bed, close my eyes, and not have to worry about anything for six to eight hours. That was it, wasn’t it? Sleep was my sanctuary. No matter how fucked-up the world now was, I could still get away for part of the day. Now, that luxury was being eroded. Sure, our bodies would no longer be tired. But what about our brains? We were already well past burnout. What was going to happen now?
“Okay, get in bed, Carl. You too, Mongo. We’re all tired.” “You know I have my own room now, right?” “Don’t be silly, Carl. I can’t sleep without you, and you know it. Now get into bed.”
You are ready to take on the world and make some monster’s mother cry because her only child was ruthlessly slaughtered by a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Crawler. Reward: You now receive the Good Rest bonus every time you sleep in this bed. This buff adds 10% to your base stats plus a 10% bonus to experience and skill training for 30 hours. Monster mothers now cry 10% more when you kill their babies.
You will notice that the leaderboard has finally populated. Congratulations to everybody on the list. As you can see, each member of the top 10 has a bounty after their names. That means hunting season is open! Isn’t that exciting? If you kill one, you will receive a loot box containing the reward. If you are on the leaderboard, don’t worry, you get to join in on the fun, too. If you survive the floor, you will receive 10% of your own bounty upon floor collapse. That percentage goes up each floor.
Finally, we’d like to address the especially high mortality rate of the third floor. This occurred due to a high instance of group quests gone bad. While the number of crawlers are still in the acceptable range, we are all concerned about early extinction. That does not mean we will be letting up. So quit sucking. It’s as simple as that.
“Do you really think people are going to hunt us?” Donut asked. “I don’t like the idea of not being able to trust people. It gives me anxiety.”
Messages from deceased Crawlers.
Brandon:
Get them for me, brother. Get them all.
This is just like with mom. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
I hadn’t known him long. But he was a good man. He was my friend. In all of this death, he would barely be a blip. And that enraged me unlike anything else that had happened so far.
New achievement! Martha Stewart! You used a workbench to craft for the first time. The next thing you know you’ll be fashioning bottlecap earrings, drinking oat milk, and selling your ugly crap on Etsy while you wax poetic on Instagram about your “journey.” Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Crafter’s Box!
I knew from experience that it was now all over. The glitter would never go away.
My dad hated cats, though, so he never had any books with cats on the cover.
These odd, war-like creatures are said to have once been a star-faring nation, but something happened to cause them to regress back to the stone age. Probably too much reality TV.
The creature was disemboweled before he even felt the reverberation of his club against the metal pole.
“That’s really disgusting, Carl,” Donut said. “Every time your foot gets stronger, the amount of blood that comes out is more and more.”
Pollyslog. Level 22. Of all the monsters from prehistoric kua-tin mythology, the Pollyslogs are some of the most fearsome. They are strong, intelligent, and gigantic. At least compared to the kua-tin. So what I’m really saying is they’re moderately durable, dumb as a sack of pickled turnips, and, well, they are pretty big. They also secrete acid from their fingers, so you might want to watch out for that.
“You know this isn’t a boat, right? All this starboard and aft and pirate talk is starting to really annoy Mongo, especially since we don’t know what the hell you’re talking about half the time.”
