The Dungeon Anarchist's Cookbook (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #3)

by Matt Dinniman

Entering Employee Break Room.

They need new hats

Humans got voices like a spike in my brain.” “Don’t I know it,” Donut said.

“I’ve only heard of an engineer coming out of his train once,” Vernon said. “And that was under some pretty extreme circumstances.” “What was that?” I asked. “Derailment.”

From my shoulder, Donut feigned a karate kick and made a little “Wah-chaw!” noise.

I bet thats so adorable

If you leave them alone for too long, they tend to get … squirrelly.

the Porter said. He turned to me. “What is your number?” “I’m number one,” I said.

Invisibility Potion. Guess what this does.

YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THAT, BUCKO? The notification was a type I’d never seen before. It surprised me enough that I stopped unzipping the bag and took a step back. Later, I would realize it was my Find Traps skill activating for the first time. At the moment, I had no idea what was happening. But then I noticed the suitcase. I’d unzipped it only a couple inches, but that was enough. The red, flaming ants poured from the hole, sweeping over the counter and surging at us.

Literal Fire Ants. Level 1. This is a trap monster. Like regular fire ants, but with more enthusiasm. Plus they hate you and want you to die. They’re pretty good at making that happen.

There is no home. No wife. It’s really fucked up because these aren’t computer programs. These are actual, living creatures who believe this is the real world.” “I never really thought of it that way,” Katia said. “That’s… that’s horrible.” I nodded. “It’s just as bad as what they’ve done to us.”

of figuring out how to get the hell out of here.”

It feels like this is our first real panicked puzzle solver for the stairs

Well you need to do something. What’s the point of adding a new character if she sucks? It’s like when they added April to Gilmore Girls. But worse. Donut: OH NO. I WILL HELP HER.

“It is important, Carl. We shouldn’t avoid conversations just because they’re uncomfortable.

“Oh you precious thing,” Donut said. “It’s great, it really is, but those are rookie numbers. I have over 700 trillion.”

I sent a message to Mordecai, describing the symbol. Mordecai: That’s a control sigil. Only you can see it because of your Escape Plan skill. They’re mostly used by secondary programs, like Vengeance of the Daughter. But they’re sometimes used by the dungeon creators, too. I don’t know too much about this stuff, but I know their use is considered sloppy programming because they’re easy to break. Sigils have all sorts of uses, but they’re typically for controlled gating. They can stop a specific type of mob from passing the symbol. They can be turned off and on by the showrunners, not the dungeon AI, which is why they use them. If it’s blue, it means the symbol is turned on. It will have no effect on you. Carl: Is there a way for crawlers to make these things? Mordecai: No. Not directly. There’s another type of sigil that looks similar and mostly acts the same way, but it’s a type of magic you’ll never have enough mana to do. Donut might.

Christ, I thought. I hope we never have to fight any of his kind. We’d be fucked.

Mordecai’s Special Brew A potion designed by a shifty Changeling who has a tendency to kill those who count on him the most, this special potion combines the effects of a Gold Standard Healing Potion and the Troll’s Second Wind to create a de facto immortality for a period of thirty seconds. It has a few unfortunate side effects.

“Okay, so what this potion does is create a constant stream of healing mixed with rapid regeneration for thirty seconds. So it’ll heal almost anything and keep that health topped up. But it is not an invulnerability spell. It won’t protect you against blowing yourself up or being decapitated or anything that would normally cause you to die instantaneously. Unfortunately, the side effects are pretty severe. It ups your potion sickness countdown by about ten hours. So you won’t be able to take any potions afterward for that time. Also, you can only take two of these before they stop working all together. I’ve been trying to fix that for ages, but I can never get past it. Maybe if I can manage to get a table higher than level nine, but I’ve never had the chance.”

You may only drink two of these during your time in the dungeon. Why? Because drinking more would be cheating. And if anyone is going to cheat, it’s going to be me.

“You will not be lobbing balls at me, Carl,” Donut said. “My word. Do I look like a cocker spaniel to you?”

I was just doing what his manager told me to do. If I hadn’t done it, he’d have died. And then we’d all have lost her. We’d have lost Odette. When he comes back, tell him I said I’m sorry. Not a day goes by where I don’t regret it.” Warning: This isn’t Dr. Phil. Pick your prize. You have ten minutes to choose, or you will forfeit your choice.

Book. The Dungeon Anarchist’s Cookbook by Anonymous. This is a unique item. Chicken and Goblin recipes galore! But it’s more than that, too. Each recipe is accompanied by a hilarious tale by the anonymous author, recounting some of the zany and madcap misadventures they experienced gathering these mouth-watering recipes. Fun for the whole family! This book is a real hoot.

Hello, Crawler. As you’re about to find, this is a very special book. If you’re reading these words, it means this book has found its way into your hands for one purpose and one purpose only. Together, we will burn it all to the ground.

While the true contents of this guide are invisible to the showrunners and to the viewers, it is not invisible to the current System AI.

and her butterfly friend.”

yet another rock monster who stood behind her with his arms crossed, looking bored. His name was Clay-ton.

and I noted she still wore the anti-slip socks from Meadow Lark.

“Look at how beautiful she is,” Donut whispered. “She’s like a vision of pure elegance.” “Yo,” Elle cried at the bartender. “Whose dick do I gotta suck to get another drink? Christ.” “Hey, ice princess,” I called out. “This one is on me.” Elle didn’t turn. “Look, needle dick, buzz off or when my real bodyguard gets back, she’s going to add another skull next to her nametag.”

“Fuck, man. There’s like five real people in here. Are you fermenting the potatoes yourself?

I accidentally shot an icicle up the keister of an orc bartender on that last floor. We’d had to hightail it out of town after that.” She laughed. “That guy will be shitting ice cubes for the next three seasons.”

Imani turned and scanned the room, eyes resting on Donut, who was in the middle of the dance floor, bopping on the shoulders of The Sledge. She twirled while the rock bodyguard was doing an approximation of the robot. A crowd had circled around them, and they were chanting, “Go Donut! Go Donut! Go Donut!”

I don’t know why you’re being so paranoid. You shouldn’t be more afraid of your own people than the monsters.

A single skull formed, appearing after Donut’s name.

From her drunken boxing but ugh she didnt want that

“Carl, I never wanted to get a skull. I’m sorry. Nobody is going to like me now.”

“I didn’t want to kill anybody,” Donut said once again. “Maybe those stupid dogs. But not a person. Not a real person.”

“Anybody else want to try something?” Elle shouted. “You come for Donut or Carl, you come for all of us. I will freeze the blood in your veins and make your genitals shatter like glass!”

Level 125? Holy shit. I also noted the lack of the usual “This is a non-combatant NPC” in her description.

“What’s a prime number?” Donut asked, speaking for the first time. “It’s a math thing,” I said. “You learn about them in fourth or fifth grade, and then you don’t need to know about it ever again unless you become a mathematician. Or a math teacher.”

“Those engine cars are locked up tight, hotshot. How are you going to get one of the engineers out?” Elle asked. I grinned.

“What’s Larracos?” I asked Bomo, who just stared at me blankly. “Larracos is the capital city of the disputed lands,” one of the nearby guards said. He was a level-45 crocodilian named Igor. “It is the prize over which the factions fight.”

Desperado Club Wheel of Fortune Croupier. Also, the guy who will stab you.

my eyes focusing on one that said, “Every hair on your body turns into a snake for five seconds.”

Donut grumbled and jumped to The Sledge’s shoulder, who showed no reaction. But a moment later, the rock monster reached up and gave her a surprisingly gentle pat.

“Come on! Come on!” Donut cried from The Sledge’s shoulder, her voice rising in excitement. “Big money! Big money!” I relaxed. This was the real reason I’d done this.

“Mongo and I have a psychic bond, Carl. You’ve never been a mother, so you wouldn’t understand.” Mongo suddenly squealed and bucked, tossing Donut halfway across the room. She hissed, poofing out before landing on all fours atop Mordecai’s alchemy table, causing vials and supplies to scatter.

They ranged from lumpy wolf monsters with tentacles to small, fairy-like skunks that clutched onto butcher knives three times bigger than themselves.

New achievement! Locomotive Breath! While it’s not exactly a feat of engineering worthy of a Queen Elizabeth Prize, you finally managed to manufacture a train derailment. Let’s hope this doesn’t set off some sort of unforeseen domino effect that will ripple throughout the rest of the floor, leading to mass confusion and death amongst you and your fellow crawlers. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Engineering Box!

Gore-Gore. ManTauR. Level 40. Ochre Line Train Engineer. Of all the ‘taurs out there, from Centaurs to Bisontaurs to Rhinotaurs, the ManTauR is one of the weirdest. Half human, and, uh, half human,

“Can you please stop shouting,” Donut said. “It upsets Mongo.” Mongo squawked in agreement. Carl: Now you know how I feel when you type in all caps. Donut: THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING, CARL. “I will do my best, Princess Donut,” the man shouted. “I do not wish to upset your royal steed. How may I serve you!”

The portal has a side effect regarding memory. Human resources says they’re looking into it.”