Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

by Kerry Patterson

we regain control and move back to dialogue, we become

masters of our own emotions rather t...

try to make it safe for her to share her story by watching her body language.

use Contrasting statements

ask for permission to explore those areas,

First, we’ll look at five skills for talking when what we have to say could easily make others defensive.

we’ll explore how these same skills help us state our opinions when we believe so strongly in something that we risk shutting others down rather than opening them up to our ideas.

“You’re not going to like this, but, hey, somebody has to be honest . . .” (a classic Fool’s Choice),

Dont make this mistake.

confidence, humility, and skill.

Humility.

They are humble enough to realize that they don’t have a monopoly on the truth nor do they always have to win their way.

Skill.

people who willingly share delicate information are good at doing it.

That means that despite your worst suspicions, you shouldn’t violate respect.

you shouldn’t kill safety with threats and accusations.

Facts form the foundation of belief. So if you want to persuade others, don’t start with your stories. Start with your observations.

When we start with shocking or offensive conclusions (“Quit groping me with your eyes!” or “I think we should declare bankruptcy”), we actually encourage others to tell Villain Stories about

Start with the facts.

Gathering the facts is the homework required for crucial conversations.

sure that as you explain your story, you tell it as a possible story, not as concrete fact.

Earn the right to share your story by starting with your facts. Facts lay the groundwork for all delicate conversations.

We demonstrate our humility by then asking others to share their views

meaning it.

By being open to learning we are demonstrating humility at its best.

find out others’ views on the matter, encourage them to express their facts, stories, and feelings.

Talking tentatively simply means that we tell our story as a story rather than disguising it as a hard fact.

Because we’re trying to add meaning to the pool, not force it down other people’s

throats.

Speaking in absolute and overstated terms does not increase your influence, it decreases it.

Our stories—well, they’re only educated guesses.

When you ask others to share their paths, how you phrase your invitation makes a big difference.

you have to do so in a way that makes it clear that no matter how controversial their ideas might be, you want to hear them.

the best at dialogue don’t choose. They do both.

To help grease the skids, play devil’s advocate. Model disagreeing by disagreeing with your own view.

Do it until your motive becomes obvious.

The real test of whether your motive is to win a debate or engage in real dialogue is the degree to which you encourage testing.

By tentatively sharing a story rather than attacking, name-calling, and threatening, the worried spouse averted a huge battle, and the couple’s relationship was strengthened at a time when it could easily have been damaged.

When we feel the need to push our ideas on others, it’s generally because we believe we’re right and everyone else is wrong.

appeal to authority:

attack the person:

draw hasty general...

the harder we try and the more forceful and nasty our tactics, the greater the resistance we create, the worse the results, and the more battered our relationships.

When you find yourself just dying to convince others that your way is best, back off your current attack and think about what

you really want for yourself, others, and the relationship. Then ask yourself, “How would I behave if these were the results I really wanted?”

Ask yourself what you want for yourself and the other person.

First, Learn to Look. Watch for the moment when people start to resist you—

tone down your approach. Open yourself up to the belief that others might have something to say, and

Realize that if you’re starting to feel indignant

recognize that you’re starting to enter dangerous territory.

When you have offended others through a thoughtless act, apologize.

Or if someone has misunderstood your intent, use Contrasting.

Explain what you do and don’t intend. Finally, if you’re simply at odds, ...