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April 1 - May 9, 2018
master our crucial conv...
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our emotions are directly linked to our judgments of right/wrong, good/bad, kind/selfish,
fair/unfair, etc.
we take control of our stories, they won’t control us. People who excel at dialogue are able to influence their emotions during crucial conversations.
stories
They first control
how we feel and then h...
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you want improved results from your crucial conversations, change the stories you tell yourself—even while you’re in the middle of the fray.
The best at dialogue find a way to first slow down
Not only do those who are best at crucial conversations notice when they’re slipping into silence or violence, but they’re also able to admit it.
Knowing what you’re really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what is going on and why.
expand your emotional vocabulary.
The first step to regaining emotional control is to challenge the illusion that what you’re feeling is the only right emotion under the circumstances.
Separate fact from story by focusing on behavior.
To avoid confusing story with fact, watch for
“hot” terms.
They express judgments and attributions that, in turn, create strong emotions. They are story, not fact.
“Her eyes pinched shut and her lips tightened,”
Focus on the behaviours and what the individuals actions directly reveal about them. Dont get caught up in conclusions you make about an individuals actions. One is facts while the other is speculative.
Victim Story.
make us out to be innocent sufferers.
The other person is bad, wrong, or dumb, and we are good, r...
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Other people do bad or stupid things, and we suf...
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when you tell a Victim Story, you intentionally ignore the role you have played in the problem.
You tell your story in a way that judiciously avoids whatever you have done (or neglected to do) that might have contributed to the problem.
To help support your Victim Stories you speak of nothing but your noble motives.
We impute bad motive, and then we tell everyone about the evils of the other party as if somehow we’re doing the world a huge favor.
Villain Stories we overemphasize the other person’s guilt or stupidity.
We automatically assume the worst possible motives or grossest incompetence while ignoring any possible good or neutral intentions or skills a person may have.
When you pay attention to Victim and Villain Stories and catch them for what they are— unfair caricatures—you begin to see the terrible double standard we use when our emotions are out of
Finally come Helpless Stories. In these fabrications we make ourselves out to be powerless to do anything healthy or helpful. We convince ourselves that there are no healthy alternatives for dealing with our predicament, which justifies the action we’re about to take.
Helpless Stories look forward to explain why we can’t do anything to change our situation.
Clever stories get us off the hook.
clever stories when they conveniently excuse us from any
responsib...
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Clever stories keep us from acknowledging our own sellouts
Like it or not, we usually don’t begin telling stories that justify our actions until we have done something that we feel a need to justify.
We sell out when we consciously act against our own sense of what’s right. And after we’ve sold out, we have only two choices: own up to our sellout, or try to justify it.
You didn’t start telling clever stories until after you failed to do something you knew you should have done.
When we don’t admit to our own mistakes, we obsess about others’ faults, our innocence, and our powerlessness to do anything other than what we’re already doing.
The dialogue-smart recognize that they’re telling clever stories, stop, and then do what it takes to tell a useful story.
useful story, by definition, creates emotions that lead to healthy action—such as dialogue.
clever stories have one characteristic in common: They’re incomplete.
Clever stories omit crucial information about us, about others, and about our options.
Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?
The purpose of the humanizing question is to deal with our own stories and emotions.
What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship?
What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
When you refuse to make yourself helpless, you’re forced to hold yourself accountable for using your dialogue skills rather than bemoaning your weakness.
As we tell the rest of the story, we free ourselves from the poisoning effects of unhealthy emotions.
