Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

by Kerry Patterson

Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation? • Do they trust my motives?

To succeed in crucial conversations, we must really care about the interests of others—not just our own.

As people perceive that others don’t respect them, the conversation immediately becomes unsafe and dialogue comes to a screeching halt.

Without Mutual Respect, the conversation tanks.

spot when respect is violated and safety takes a turn south, watch for signs that people are defending their dignity.

Do others believe I respect them?

In essence, feelings of disrespect often come when we dwell on

how others are different from ourselves. We can counteract these feelings by looking for ways we are similar.

So you stay stuck in the content of the conversation—

Dont get stuck on the content of the conersation. Instead focus on your goal in the crucial conversation.

Instead of getting hooked and fighting back, break the cycle. See their aggressive behavior for what it is—a sign of violated safety—then step out of the conversation, build safety, and step back into the content. Here’s how.

Now, an apology isn’t really an apology unless you experience a change in heart. To offer a sincere apology, your motives have to change. You have to give up saving face, being right, or winning in order to focus on what you really want. You have to sacrifice a bit of your ego by admitting your error. But like many sacrifices, when you give up something you value, you’re rewarded with something even more valuable—healthy dialogue and better results.

When others misinterpret either your purpose or your intent, step out of the argument and rebuild safety by using a skill called Contrasting.

The employees who worked so hard are acting on the belief that you don’t appreciate their efforts and didn’t care enough to keep them informed—when the exact opposite was true. So you address the misunderstanding by explaining what you don’t intend. Once you’ve done this, and safety returns to the conversation, then you can explain what you do intend.

It is not a way of taking back something we’ve said that hurt others’ feelings. Rather, it is a way of ensuring that what we said didn’t hurt more than it should have. Once Yvonne clarified her genuine goals (and not merely some trumped-up goal that appeals to Jotham), Jotham felt safer acknowledging his own contribution, and the two were back in dialogue.

Start with what you don’t

believe.

Use Contrasting for prevention or first aid.

So far our examples have helped us apply first aid to a wounded conversation. Someone has taken something wrong, and we’ve intervened to clarify our true purpose or meaning.

When we’re aware that something we’re about to drop into the pool of meaning could create a splash of defensiveness, we use Contrasting to bolster safety—before we s...

When people misunderstand and you start arguing over the misunderstanding, stop. Use Contrasting. Explain what you don’t mean until you’ve restored safety. Then return to the conversation. Safety first.

To be successful, we have to stop using silence or violence to compel others to our view.

To stop arguing, we have to suspend our belief that our choice is the absolute best and only one, and that we’ll never be happy until we get exactly what we currently want.

When we find ourselves at an impasse, it’s because we’re asking for one thing and the other person is asking for something else.

Before you can agree on a Mutual Purpose, you must first know what people’s real purposes are. Step out of the content of the conversation—which is generally focused on strategies—and explore the purposes behind them.

By releasing your grip on your strategy and focusing on your real purpose, you’re now open to the idea that you might actually find alternatives that can serve both of your interests

To invent a Mutual Purpose, move to more encompassing goals. Find an objective that is more meaningful or more rewarding than the ones that divide the various sides.

Suspend judgment and think outside the box for new alternatives.

see if you can invent a higher or longer-term purpose that is more motivating than the ones that keep you in conflict.

use Contrasting to prevent misunderstanding of her purpose.

she shouldn’t respond to the content of Jotham’s discouraging statement. Rather, she should look at the safety issue behind

it.

Merely consider whether you could think a little more clearly during a few crucial

conversations. Or prepare in advance. Before a crucial conversation begins, think about which skills will help you most.

Aim for progress.

Learn to slow the process down when your adrenaline gets pumping. Carry a few of the questions we’re suggesting with you as you go.

When others move to silence or violence, step out of the conversation and Make It Safe. When safety is restored, go back to the issue at hand and continue the dialogue.

No matter who is doing the button pushing, some people tend to react more explosively than others—and to the same stimulus, no less.

make you mad. You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, or insulted. You and only you create your emotions.

That is, when it comes to strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them.

Maria is completely unaware of a dangerous assumption she’s making. She’s upset at being overlooked and is keeping a “professional silence.”

The worst at dialogue

fall hostage to their emotions,

The good at dialogue realize that if they don’t control their emotions, m...

The best at dialogue do something completely different. They aren’t held hostage by their emotions, nor do they try to hide or suppress them. Instead, they act on their emotions. That is, when they have strong feelings, they influence (and often change) their emotions by thinking them out.

they choose their emotions, and by so doing, make it possible to choose behaviors that create better results.

Just after we observe what others do and just before we feel some emotion about it,

we tell ourselves a story. We add meaning to the action we observed. We make a guess at the motive driving the behavior. Why were they doing that? We also add judgment—is that good or bad? And then, based on these thoughts or stories, our body responds with an emotion.

We observe, we tell a story, and then we feel.

Since we and only we are telling the story, we can take back control of our own emotions by telling a different story.

If we can find a way to control the stories we tell, by rethinking or retelling them, we can master...