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April 1 - May 9, 2018
you have let the problem build, don’t hold the crucial conversation while angry.
using your STATE skills, explain what you’ve seen and heard, and tentatively tell the most simpl...
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Use Contrasting.
Establish Mutual Purpose.
Tentatively describe the problem.
Tentatively STATE the pattern of splitting hairs and playing word games.
Clarify the “no surprises” rule. The first time someone comes back with a legitimate excuse—but he or she didn’t tell you when the problem first came up—deal with this as the new problem.
What bothers you the most?
What might be the easiest to work
on?
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Establish Mutual Purpose.
Learn to Look. The first lever for positive change is Learn to Look.
“Are we playing games or are we in dialogue?” It’s a wonderful start.
Make It Safe. The second lever is Make It Safe.
the number one flow stopper is a lack of safety.
The main idea is to Make It Safe. Do something to make others comfortable.
Ask yourself what you really want. You want to be compensated fairly for the extra time and money you put in that your sister didn’t.
keep a good relationship with your sister.
We have to find and ask the right question to get the right solution.
how true emotions can feel during crucial moments and (2) how false they really are.
have learned to be suspicious of my convictions during these moments of strong emotion and more confident that if I use the tools I’ve learned I can create an entirely different set of emotions.
When I am in the grip of Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories, when my motives degenerate and I am driven by a desperate need to be right—I don’t see others as they really are.
If you use these skills exactly the way we tell you to and the other person doesn’t want to dialogue, you won’t get to dialogue. However, if you persist over time, refusing to take offense, making your motive genuine, showing respect, and constantly searching for Mutual
Purpose, then the other person will almost always join you in dialogue.
