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April 1 - May 9, 2018
Explore Others...
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Be sincere.
we have to invite them to share what’s on their minds.
Be curious.
the best way to get at the truth is by making it safe for them to express the stories that are moving them to either silence or violence.
when...
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people become furious, we need to be...
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getting at the source of fear and discomfort is the best way to return to dialogue.
look for opportunities to be curious. Start with a situation where you observe someone becoming emotional and you’re still under control—
such as a meeting (when you’re not personally under attack and are less likely to get hooked). Do your best to get at the person’s source of fear or anger. Look for chances to turn on your curiosity rather than kick-start your adrenaline.
Be patient.
So be patient when exploring how others think and feel.
help the other person retrace his or her Path to Action.
When others are in either silence or violence, we’re actually joining their Path to Action already in progress
Break the cycle.
We can see that if we don’t get at the source of their feelings, we’ll end up suffering the effects of the feelings.
These external reactions are our cues to do whatever it
takes to help others retrace th...
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Ac...
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our invitation must be sincere. As hard as it sounds, we must be genuine in the face of hostility,
fear, or even abuse—
What does it take to get others to share their path—
requires listening.
we must listen in a way that makes it safe for others to share their intimate thoughts.
When we show genuine interest, people feel less compelled to use silence or violence.
Common invitations include: “What’s going on?” “I’d really like to hear your opinion on this.” “Please let me know if you see it differently.” “Don’t worry about hurting my feelings. I really want to hear your thoughts.”
Mirroring is most useful when another person’s tone of voice or gestures (hints about the emotions behind them)
When reflecting back your observations, take care to manage your tone of voice and delivery.
We create safety when our tone of voice says we’re okay with them feeling the way they’re feeling.
The key to paraphrasing, as with mirroring, is to remain calm and collected. Our goal is to make it safe, not to act horrified and suggest that the conversation is about to turn ugly.
Stay focused on figuring out how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could have created this Path to Action. This will help you keep from becoming angry or defensive.
asked, mirrored, and paraphrased.
If we push too hard, we violate both purpose and respect.
we either gracefully exit or ask what he or she wants to see happen.
Prime when you believe that the other person still has something to share and might do so with a little more effort on your part.
he primed. That is, he took his best guess at what they might be thinking, said it in a way that showed it
was okay to talk about it,
Now, this is not the kind of thing you would do unless nothing else has worked.
This is last resort.
Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building safety in hopes that others will share their meaning.
no matter how different or wrong they seem—remember we’re trying to understand their point of view, not necessarily agree with it or support it.
By taking steps to understand another person’s Path to Action, we are promising that we’ll accept their point of view.
Most arguments consist of battles over the 5 to 10 percent of the facts and stories that people disagree over.
game of Trivial Pursuit—looking for trivial differences and then proclaiming them aloud.
skilled people will agree and then build. Rather than saying: “Wrong. You forgot to mention . . .,” they say: “Absolutely. In addition, I noticed
that.
Point out areas of agreement, and then add elements that were left out of the discussion.
They have unclear expectations about how decisions will be made. • They do a poor job of acting on the decisions they do make.
Dialogue is a process for getting all relevant meaning into a shared pool.
Make it clear how decisions will be made—who will be involved and why.
it’s still the authority figure who decides what method of decision making to employ.
