Dwayne’s Comments (group member since Apr 01, 2017)

Dwayne’s comments from the Support for Indie Authors group.

Steven wrote: "Thank you all for your comments. I am currently trying to work on my blurb."

When you have it ready, feel free to add it to the blurb workshop. As per the rules, let's stay on the topic of your cover in this thread. Thanks.

Steven wrote: "My cover is very unlike the other covers I've been seeing for fantasy out there. "

Really? Because right away I got "fantasy" from it, due to the style of dress, the weapons, the three people creeping off into a cave...

I also get "comic book".

It's a nice cover, but maybe a tad bland for most fantasy readers. The lack of any real action and the drab colors could be a turn off.

Steven wrote: "Maybe it isn't the cover at all. It might be the description on the book page that's turning buyers off. "

We have a blurb workshop, too, if you want to post it there and let us take a stab at it.

#3

Leah wrote: "I love your face Dwayne!"

Daaww.... Thanks. Yours is lovely as well.

Haru wrote: "P.S.: Dwayne, if you write humor I don't think you should wear black. Find a flattering but lively color! "

Not even if it's dark humor? What if it's gallows humor? (See... 'cause the tie is like a noose and...)

I went back to my picture from a couple of years ago, me lounging in a creepy motel room, clutching my Kurt Vonnegut doll.

Raúl wrote: "I've found this page..."

No links. Thanks.

Haru wrote: "Hi there. A little question about the author photo... do you think it makes some kind of difference to post one or not?
Maybe it's good to post one if you're young and good looking... But what if you're not very happy with the way you look? "

I suppose there's a lot of variables here. Where are you posting it? Why? But, it boils down to using a photo that you feel fully represents who you are and gives the impression you want to give.

I've never really been happy with how I look. Still, I use a photo here and on my author facebook page as I know some readers like to connect with a face. I'm thinking I need to change the photo here. It's too blah. My writing is quirky and often humorous. I'm not a tie guy. I think I'll go back to one of my other photos... tomorrow. I'm too tired right now.

I don't believe it's necessary to have them done professionally, but there's nothing wrong with it, either.

Luke wrote: "HI All

I have summarised my experience in a blog post..."

No links. No self-promotion. Please familiarize yourself with the rules and the code of conduct.

I love chapter names. I can't imagine writing a novel and only using numbers for the chapter names. Boring! I love trying to come up with the perfect name for the chapter that will, hopefully, grab attention and build interest without giving too much away.

My first novel was about a rockabilly singer / guitar player and I named every chapter after a rockabilly song. That was a challenge, but so much fun.

This current lengthy work in progress has one hundred twelve chapters. Some are purposefully misleading, such as the first "Saltwater Finfish". The book has almost nothing to do with fish, but when the reader gets to the point where they find out why the chapter has that name, I hope they'll find some delight in it. Some names are pretty straight forward, such as "Two Blondes" in which two different blonde girls get the attention of the main character for different reasons.

Christina wrote: "Hey folks, I may have decided not to be a mod anymore, but I would still appreciate it if you respected the rules set out in the original post ..."

And there was much deleting. Thanks, Christina. Somehow I missed all that.

W. wrote: "My first book, with way too many chapters (40+)

My current work in progress has 112 chapters, 24 little "intro" pieces at the beginning of each part, and an epilogue. Oh, deary dear.

For some reason this posted six times. I removed the extra five.

Aaron wrote: "Also, important: You want "wreaked" = caused; "reeked" means smelled bad. "

Good catch. I missed that. Maybe the Argyra is just one big smelly monster.

Tonya,

Would you like me to close this thread or delete it if you're not needing betas right now? You can always start a new one when you're ready.

Ah. We're in an area where I won't be great help. I don't write series of books, sequels, etc. and rarely read past the first book of a series. I would think you'd at least need to mention in the blurb that the book is part of a series or a sequel so the reader will be alerted to go seek out the first book.

Hopefully you'll have a few writers and readers of series come along and offer their advice.

The words “you may slay one dragon, but you’ll awaken five more” echoed in James’ mind as he watched a ship from Earth try to destroy a messenger ship carrying a distress beacon from Sam’s home planet.

Already, in one sentence, we're given a lot of information, yet I'm left in the dark. First, if I were looking for a sci-fi book and ran across the word "dragons" immediately, I might put it back, thinking this is fantasy. More than this, I have no idea who James is, then you mention Sam. Nothing is given yet about who they are or why we should or should not care about them.

For James and Sam, this could be the next step in unlocking the mysteries behind the Expansion Project, The what? What was the first step? The second? I have no knowledge of who Sam or James are, and you're tossing the Expansion Project at me.

the Argyra creature, The what?

and James and Anna’s exile across the universe. Still don't know who James is and now you have him exiled for... whatever reason... with someone else I don't know.

It could also mean having to face down some of the ghosts from their pasts. So, they have dragons, planets going explody, some kind of project, some guy named Sam, a creature, an exile, and now ghosts. Slow down! You're piling too much on!

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Colonel Jennings and his think tank are working to solve the same mysteries. The main one being who are James, Sam, and Anna and why should we care about them? Now we have another character being tossed in.

Employing the help of a former spy associate and some rogue pilots Oh, good. More to keep track of.

the team seeks to expose the threats behind the project, So, they're from Earth as is the spaceship that's blowing up planets... but they're not part of the project... or maybe they are... I'm confused.

find James and Anna, Isn't James watching one of their ships destroy planets?

and bring home a cosmically wayward group of scientists before they fall victim to the crew of mercenaries led by Alexander Cole WHO? SLOW DOWN!

and the Argyra creature that had reeked so much havoc on the planet. Which planet? The one being destroyed by Earth?

As each thread gets pulled, the light begins to work its way into the shadows. *sigh* So? I'm sure this is all symbolic of something, but without understanding any of what I read above, I don't know what these shadows, the threads, and the light are.

Unfortunately the threats that are lurking there may be far worse than they ever anticipated. Of course. Yep.

Brian,

You're making mistakes many make in writing blurbs.

First, you're assuming we know everything about your book already and giving us nothing to connect to. Focus on what is most important in the book. Give us one or two characters to get to know, even a little. You have a bunch of characters listed off, but we know nothing about any of them. I don't know James. I don't know Sam. I don't know Anna. This is your first chance to introduce them to readers. Don't assume we already know who they are.

Second, your blurb is an info dump. Perhaps you're expecting readers to get excited at the idea of planets being destroyed, dragons, space ships, some kind of creature, and so on. Some might. Many readers are looking for a story. There's a story in this, I'm sure, but you're dumping so much of it out, it's hard to figure out what the main plot is.

Who is your main character? What is their primary goal? What is the theme of the book? What is the main plot? You don't have to reveal all these in the blurb, but if you focus on at least one or two of them, you can come up with a blurb that is much more enticing and interesting.

Kudos, then, for wanting to write in another language. It's something I would never attempt. Generally, it's against the rules here to suggest hiring a professional to help, but I'm making an exception. Your writing is good, but as others are pointing out, there are places where you use words that don't quite fit and at times the grammar feels off. A good editor could help you turn a decent book into a great one.

Sameer wrote: "English is not first, I am limited to very basics. "

I wondered. Can I ask why you are writing it in English if this is not your first language? There are a lot of strange grammatical phrasings in your piece that grammar checking tools are not going to catch or, worse, will have you change something to a phrase that makes little or no sense.

Sameer,

It's a good start toward something, but it's a tough read. I do not know who this character is who is narrating. I don't know who Shilpa is. Readers need something to invest in when they read our work, something to grab. All we know is that your main character covered his memory of Shilpa, covered it again, erased it... and it's still there. Can we get a clue who the main character is or who Shilpa is? Everything that happened after that was not thrilling as I didn't know or care about the characters.

The writing is problematic. I'll focus on this small section as I think I can show you some of the problems I'm seeing through the entire piece:

Sameer wrote: "Suddenly… Out of the blue… something crushed in to my head. I saw a sprinkle of thunder, I could feel the hotness of blood overflowing from my head. I heard somebody crying in panic. Then, I felt that I was losing my cognizance.
Then, something hit on my lower vertebra. I could feel coldness racing to my legs, then my upper parts. I thought I was drifting like a plume. Coldness surged in to my mind, and I could see the obscurity grab hold over the light. I swooned.

When I opened my eyes, I felt that I was coasting in thin air. Articulate coldness. I couldn't see a thing in that dimness. I felt an strange quietness. I shut my eyes."

Be careful with the use of ellipses. Nearly all of us use it from time to time in writing, often to indicate a pause in speech or a place of interruption. Over use, especially in narration, looks sloppy and lazy.

Cliche's need to be used sparingly, if at all.

Watch the use of "suddenly" or "all of a sudden". Phrases like that are completely unnecessary.

You end a lot of words with "ness". Like most anything in writing, this is fine, if done sparingly. When the reader is hit with words of a similar structure like, "hotness", "coldness", "dimness" and so on in a short time, it becomes monotonous. You have the word "coldness" in this section three times.

Descriptions are great and I think they're sorely lacking in most of today's writing. However, keep them sensible and don't go overboard with them. You have a guy with a head that's overflowing with blood? Sorry, but he should be dead if he's bleeding that badly.

Your writing can be tighter by watching how many times you start a sentence with "I felt" or "I heard". "Coldness filled my legs" is stronger than "I felt a coldness in my legs". This is one of my worst habits, too, so I'm used to looking for it.

Jay wrote: "Before anything else, never show anything but your best work, polished to a high luster. This first line, obviously, hasn’t been edited."

This is a workshop, Jay. It's a place for people to get help with polishing.

B.A. wrote: "Dennis,
I take issue with your statements."

Keep in mind Dennis's statements are his and his alone. There may be few who view life this way, but I would guess it's very few.

Personally, my relationships are built on stronger, better stuff than my books. I am not my books, they are a part of me. I have told family members not to buy my work as I know they would not enjoy it. Even my wife hasn't read everything I write and she's probably my biggest fan. I didn't marry her to have an instant reader or an instant sounding board for my writing. I married her for much deeper reasons.