Dwayne’s Comments (group member since Apr 01, 2017)

Dwayne’s comments from the Support for Indie Authors group.

Jan wrote: But you have to beware of too many in case it puts readers off.

Some readers will be put off by "too many big words", yes. Some will be put off by "not enough big words". It's like, well, everything else in writing. Write where you are comfortable. There will be some readers who love it, some who hate it... and most probably won't even care.

Jenna wrote: "Rothfuss, just pick up The Name of the Wind and Sanderson, go for Elantris or Mistborn.

In case you're not a sci-fi/fantasy person, ignore above rant."

I read a bit of everything, but I'll be honest (then stoned, I'm sure) sci-fi and fantasy are probably my least favorite genres. I do read them on occasion, but they don't hold my interest well.

Jenna wrote: ""Using a big word" made me laugh. I actually had a beta reader make me take out some of my 'big words' because he said no one would know what they mean."

Those words are keepers. Thing is, when it's suggested I remove a word, there's really no other word to replace it with, such as petrichor.

Amanda wrote: "So interesting!
By the way, I am guilty of using semi-colons."

Rebel.

Ran across this in Rabbit, Run by John Updike, the other day. Yep. This is true of me and my writing...

"The difficulty with humorists is that they will mix what they believe with what they don't—whichever seems likelier to win an effect."

Gene wrote: "Dwayne et al,

I have a friend who says having a woman enter a private club does not work for her..."

And... that will continue to happen, no matter what. If you have your female spy dress as a man and enter a gentleman's club, someone will say they aren't buying it. If you move the crime she's investigating to some other place, someone will say they don't care for it. No matter what we do, we will not appease all readers. So, it's best to remember, this is your playground and your rules.

Margaret wrote: "Like Dwayne asked, why are you thinking you need to change it? to me, it sounds interesting and if you're happy with it, why change anything?"

Exactly. Gene, as others are pointing out, this is your world. Play with it as you wish. If you're satisfied with the results, keep it. If you're not happy, change it.

Help me out, here. WHY are you considering changing it? WHAT are you wanting to change?

Personally, I would never pay 2.99 for a short story, let alone half a one. Now, if I were to buy a short story with two or three alternate endings attached in one volume, yes. I could see paying .99 for that.

Gene wrote: "My initial reaction to Jay was he was a little harsh..."

I had no trouble understanding where you were coming from in any version of your blurb. I understood what "novelty spy" meant and so on. But, I guess you can take that from Jay that some people might not understand various aspects of your story. Bottom line, though, like books, we'll never write a perfect blurb that appeals to everyone.

Andres wrote: "After thinking about it I can see how everyone promoting themselves can come off as annoying unless your someone like Rothfuss or Sanderson. "

Don't know who they are, but the rules would apply to them as well.

Before I look at the blurb, I'll mention that I looked at your book. It's been out three days. Very rare to see sales on a debut book of an Indie author. 99% (or so) of us see a trickle, rather than an ocean, even after being out for several months / years. It may take time to see many sales, no matter how good your blurb, your cover, your book, etc. are.

That said...

I think your blurb may work for your target audience. My biggest gripe (and it's not so big, really) is you mention twice that Wendy wants to get home. As that's generally part of the staple of stories like this, there's no need to remind us.

Your new version is better. It has a little more punch.

While I do see why you'd want to include Queen Victoria in the blurb, some of the early bits seem unnecessary. The blurb really takes off for me with the line, "A card cheat in a famous Gentleman's Club must be confirmed and exposed." That's a hook and makes me want to know more.

I think Molly is on the right track on how to get us introduced to Agatha quickly so you can move us into the main story.

Boosted it for you.

In the future, consider adding revised blurbs to the end of the thread, thereby boosting it. It's what all the cool kids do.

LeeDonna has revised her post.

Gene, I believe you have an intriguing story here. The blurb, however, could use some chopping down. It's long and rambles around a while before getting to the point. You don't need to explain the Kensington Club in the blurb, for instance. Save that for the book.

It's not a bad blurb, just needlessly lengthy. The only part I really do not like is the last line. We already know you want us to buy your book, we already know the title and we already know what it's about. It comes across as cheap and a little desperate.

There's no indication that the characters are of any specific race. I pictured them as human. There are quite a few different supernatural races and many interpretations of each. One source might say vampires are damned, another might go a different way. Then there is the problem of knowing what "damned" means in the world you've created. Very important to keep in mind a reader who comes upon your book cold probably won't guess what kind of world you've built for your book. You have to start us off with baby steps and bring us in.

Deleting your message Andres. Please don't put links, don't bookwhack, don't hijack threads, etc. Refer to the code of conduct. Thanks.

Andres wrote: "Hi Joe,

What about this? Hope it helps."

I don't know about Joe, but I like yours. It hits the story hard without all the extra fluff. It could use some tweaking. Three words in a tiny paragraph with the root "survive" kind of bugs me. "Islands" should have an apostrophe. I'd still like to see focus on the main protagonist, the hero, or whoever the central character is. (Although I know that's tough when you don't know who it is).

German wrote: "Hello. I want to introduce..."

I'm sure you do, but posting a paid service (especially when not explaining it's a paid service) ain't allowed here. No links, no self-promotion, etc.