Sandra Healing Steiner's Blog, page 77

The struggle is real

As the Rockies came into view on my drive out to see the kids today, I was left struggling for air as memories assaulted me. I have driven to and through these mountains many times, they have always been my quiet spot. A place to think and clear my mind, like the ocean

 

The Rocky Mountains were a favorite place to go camping for the kids and I.  As young children Kayla, Mathew and I would join their cousins out west. The van would be packed tight with the tent, stove, bikes and fishing poles. Down a dusty dirt road by a little stream we would set up home for a few days.  The kids would anxiously cast out into the stream and watch for a fish to take their bait. Quads, dirt bikes and dinner cooked over a fire, all great memories. 

As I crossed over a river on my drive, and I was reminded how much Kayla loved her summer camp trips down the North Saskatchewan river, white water canoeing.  She loved it so much she went two summers in a row!  I recall picking a grungy young teen girl up at Camp Kasota, she was grinning from ear to ear.  The stories, the hikes, and the fun of a group of young girls!  Oh how I miss her. 

 

Today I was reminded of a young man who drove to his favorite mountain spot and took his own life, gone much too soon. I think often of his kids, wonder how they are.  Over the years I have wondered many times if there was anything I could have done for him, did I miss a clue?  As with the death of my daughter, his death was so unexpected and so sad. 

Trying to change the mood, and regain my composure, I was reminded of the early morning ski trips with my boys and their friends. Big guys all snoring in the back, smelly gear on the way home, and of course the food!  Driving past Lake Louise and Sunshine I smiled. 

 

And the day was saved, with only a few tears shed.   

Night everyone. 

People

A strange thought occurred to me today, and it has been bothering me ever since. Have you ever considered how many people come and go from your life?  I stopped to ponder that today and was astounded by the number of individuals that had been important in my life at one point or another, and now they have no part except as a memory. 

 

There were my school mates which changed with each family move. There were those that teased, harassed, played and challenged me. Some of them went on to college and university with me.  Not one of them remain in contact. 

Then there were my colleagues at the various jobs throughout my life. Fellow Teachers, Accountants, managers and employees.  Of them all only a couple are still in contact through Facebook after all these years.   All those neighbours, other parents, Doctors and Lawyers have left my circle of acquaintances. 

 

I believe that some of the relationships failed because of distance and relocations. A few of them I outgrew and some proved not to be worth my time and effort.  Many of these individuals I remember fondly, the experiences bring a smile. Some I have chosen to block from my thoughts, dismissed rather than taking up space in my memories. 

There are moments when I am envious of those lucky individuals that can say they have been best friends forever.  But then I remember that I am blessed to be proud of the relationship I have with ME, and that makes me smile! 

  

Committed to Me

Right now the only thing I know for sure is that I am committed to making my existence count. Each day in every way I am becoming stronger, and better at using my words to say what I want and need. it sounds easy, and for some it is, for me it’s not. 

 I have been in this place a few times over the last ten years and each time I proclaim to all who want to listen that I am who I am.  Then usually somehow I lose my voice again, begin ignoring my inner self and the downward slide begins again. Unfortunately before I know it I have forgotten what I was working towards and instead I am putting all my energy into survival and making others happy. 

It doesn’t take much to make me happy. An hour at the ocean and I’m smiling!  Reading a great book.  Writing another thought provoking blog. Perhaps even just a smile or hug from a stranger. 

  

Today I went to the ocean to clear my mind before I went to a group seminar on intuition.  It was led by Megan Edge of Psy-chick Studio here in Victoria, BC. I have taken many of her classes, in fact I did my Reiki masters with her a couple years ago. This group of eleven amazing ladies was made up of some of the most intuitive minds I have ever had the privilege of knowing. We discussed and chatted our way through nearly six hours together. This is the link to her current website. 

http://www.psy-chick.net/classes/index.htm

I am always awed by the effect these courses have on me. It gets my creative side moving along, often causing upset in my physical body in the process. I think of it as kind of a mental cleanse.  As I was working my way through some of my own blocks, my body began aching and a migraine onset. Some will say the course was unrelated to the physical side effect, but I disagree. 

Often in times of mental cleansing my body reacts. I am a strong supporter of meditation, walking and yoga. It is my experience that using these methods to clear my mind blocks, often result in physical symptoms like nausea and migraines. Almost as if the negative energy is being cast out of my mind and body. 

  

One of the things we discussed was our life signs and symbols. Things that randomly show up in our lives.  Mine are butterflies, seals and circles. Whenever I’m at the ocean I mentally think about the seals and more often than not, they surface for a private show. My butterflies are an important part of my tattoos. They represent moving through the phases of life, like a butterfly out of the cocoon.  As well they remind me how short life can be.  Circles are everywhere and they remind me each time I see one that it is more harmonious to be together in a circle rather than vying for attention at each end of a line. 

  

As I continue to work on being me, I am reminded that I can only do what I can do, nothing more. And I’m ok with that. 

Your a Bitch

There are several phrases that you will likely never hear me say and that is one of them. I may briefly think it, but to say them actually makes me the loser.  I don’t seek revenge,  instead I choose to ignore!  It’s a much more productive use of my time. 

  

I consider myself to be intelligent.  I have always craved learning new things, and absorb knowledge fairly easily. Over the years I have completed a undergraduate degree, plus worked my way through enough business classes to nearly complete a masters. Education does not necessarily make me intelligent, but add to it my life experiences and voila, a very smart, intuitive woman emerges. 

Funny enough as the quote above says, I am also able to ignore things I choose to. I go within myself into silent mode to block the comments, actions and sometimes individuals.  I refuse to allow narrow minded comments from co-workers, neighbours, family or strangers to affect my fantabulous life!  

My quiet time is my thinking time. I ponder life, work through situations, plan vacations, mentally analyze a book I’m reading and much more. Just because your being a fool, doesn’t mean I’m going to waste time worrying about the things you have said and done. 

  

I am also a very strong woman.  I have the ability to forgive even the most unforgivable actions, words or transgressions.  Over the years I have had to dismiss more than one person from my life.  I choose to give everyone a chance, or if your lucky maybe two, maybe even three if I’m married to you, but after that your gone. Life is too short to waste it with fools. 

 

I have a couple pet peeves, things that drive me nuts. One of them is gossiping.  I refuse to participate in it, if I’m curious about something I go directly to that person and ask.  The second is bullying.  I have no time in my life for bullies, that includes co-workers, family and for that matter strangers.  If you fit into either category chances are you are not in my life, and I must say you are missing out on what could be a great relationship. 

My inner circle of those I consider friends, colleagues, and mentors is a select group of highly intelligent, productive, strong people. Thank you for being part of this group. 

Who are you?

Is your inner self as kind, generous, and honest as your true self?  Do you sometimes say what you are supposed to, rather than what you want to?  Do you act the same to everyone, and for everything?  Do you act, or react?  Are you a good person?   

Our soul or inner self can sometimes be very different from the self others see and interact with. Can you picture what your soul looks like?  Is it a beautiful calm hue of pinks and demure blues?  Or perhaps it’s an angry red or black?  Do you imagine it as wicked, or is it calm and thoughtful?

  

If your inner self is different from you, does that mean you are a liar?  Does it mean that you are being deceptive?  In some cases I think human nature directs us not to hurt others, perhaps gently telling a white lie.  

We each have things that make us happy.  Events, people and activities that we do because we love them. When we partake we find our happy place. On the flip side we also have things that make us anxious, upset and angry. At the end of the day we must find things that make our soul happy, otherwise we will live life angry and upset. It is finding the balance, that can get tricky. 

  

Imagine this scenario, you are at Grandma’s house and she gives you a coffee.  On the first sip you are horrified, it tastes awful.  But, personally I would never say so simply because I would not want to hurt her feelings. Is that a lie?  I don’t think so, I believe it’s an omission of the truth that saves her feelings. 

On the other hand imagine this scenario.  You are out shopping and a clerk mistakenly gives you too much change back. Personally, I would honestly have to tell them.  I could not with a good conscience walk away knowing I had received too much back. I believe if I did walk away that would be horribly dishonest.  

I have a clear conscience and a beautiful soul. I would not hesitate to post a picture of my soul. I believe it would be a beautiful sunshine yellow and rosy pink.  It has not always been, I have worked very hard to become the person I am. I’m far from perfect, but I am the best I can be. 

  

ROAD TRIP!

 

The planning has begun!  Road trip out to see the kids in June!  Miss Daisy went in for her check up at Volkswagen Victoria today and needs a couple minor fixes but she has been cleared for the road trip!  As you can see she is very excited!

 

I plan to be on the first ferry off the island.  That will be a huge adventure for me!  I haven’t been off the island by ferry for a few years, usually I fly!  I’m excited to have time on the road to think, figure out my next move in this crazy life of mine, and just chill. The whole trip looks like it will be a week, so should be an amazing adventure!

Max and Misty will be my co-pilots and I know they are going to love the ride. Their booster seat will be installed in the passenger seat giving them air flow from the vents, sun from the sunroof, and the best view! As you can tell they are thrilled!  Lol

  

I’ve loaded some new audio books, and a few new songs on my iPhone for those mountain moments when there is no radio available. I need to figure out a few rest stops, and decide if there is anything I want to stop and see along the way. 

Can’t wait to see my boys, the grandkids, and everyone else along the way!  

Pondering Life

The last few days have had me very quiet, pondering life.  My life.  The life I have created and lived so far. 

 

Some things are out of my control and I understand that. Other things are within the realm of my control. It may mean I need to reach out as far as I can, stretch my fingers just a little further to grab onto what I want.  

I have this list of things I want to do in my life before I die. It’s not morbid. It’s just a list. Places I want to live, travel to, and things I want to experience. Unfortunately these things cost money, take time to plan and energy to complete. 

I wanted to have children, and I did. I have grandchildren even now!  I wanted to travel with my kids, and I did.  They saw the Panama Canal, cruised on amazing ships, saw Disney world, and experienced so much more. I wanted to live near the ocean, and I do. As most of you know I live on Vancouver Island in beautiful British Columbia. 

Along the way many things have happened that I did not want, divorce, death and heartbreak. But these things have helped shape the person I am.  As easy as this is to write, it is difficult sometimes to understand. 

  

There are many things left on my list, time will tell which ones I am able to complete. I want to see London, Africa, and Australia. I want to go whale watching, cycle through Ireland, and go white water canoeing. I want to live in the mountains, in PEI, and in the Caribbean. 

I hope you will follow along as I reach out to grab my dreams. 

Twenty-one

  

This morning I was pondering how often the number twenty-one has come up in my life so far. It actually made me pause and I may have even shed a few tears as I recalled some of the moments.

  

I celebrated a lot of birthdays with the father of my children on the 21st of May.  Today he turns fifty, when we met he was eighteen.  Wow how time flies.  The kids and I made many a birthday dinner, wrapped surprises, and baked some awesome cakes!  No matter where I am, what I am doing, the date always brings some amazing memories and a smile. The twenty-first of June, 1986 was the date we married. We even had twenty-one as our house number a time or two!

On the 21st of December 2003 we were at the airport leaving for what would be our final family vacation. We were all so excited!  We were headed for a Caribbean cruise followed by a week at Disney world in Florida. Suitcases had been packed and repacked. Dress pants and ties were purchased for the boys, dresses and heels for us girls, all for the formal dinners on the ship. 

On the 21st of February, 2004 we had the funeral service for our daughter. The United Church in my hometown of Lacombe, Alberta was packed with people of all ages, there to pay their respects. Sixteen is so young to die. 

In 2013 on the 21st of May I met the man who would become my second ex-husband. Our relationship seemed to revolve around the number twenty-one. We married November 21, separated February 21, and celebrated our anniversary each month on the 21st. I am blessed with many good memories, a few hard ones, but blessed none the less. 

  

Have you ever seen so many twenty-ones?  I’m curious to see how twenty-one comes next into this fabulous life of mine!  

With this ring…

I have been married and divorced twice already, a statistic that horrifies me, but this time is different. This time I vow to love, honour and cherish, ME! 

Over the past couple of months I have had the pleasure and privilege to purchase myself a couple of trinkets. Some beautiful rings, bracelets and earrings, all for me!  This is not something I have never really done before. I was the patient type, waiting for my partner to miraculously understand that I needed to feel valued. 

What I know now, is that I need to value myself before others can know my worth. Over the past few months I have rewarded myself for each hurdle and road block I successfully managed to maneuver around. Sometimes a beautiful piece of jewellery, a new tattoo, a spa treatment or a new dress. Each of these things have special meaning to me, when I see them or wear them, it brings a smile to my face and that’s what is important. 

 

This beautiful creation was designed and inked in March of this year by Adam at Painted Lotus Studio here in Victoria, British Columbia. He continues to astound me with his artistic interpretations.  He has done 99% of my tattoos and has always left me so impressed, it is almost like he can read my mind. I went in to talk to him about an idea I had, and voila it is born. 

The butterflies are a common theme of my tattoos. They are a symbol to me of    life and death.  The need to enjoy each moment and the concept of never knowing what tomorrow will bring.

I remember visiting a butterfly garden in Key West with my kids.  If I remember right, we were on what would become our last family vacation. There was a huge butterfly and the kids were astounded to hear that after a short flight it would die. There were butterflies everywhere, some still in cocoon, others eating at the fruit feeders. 

What the caterpillar calls the end of the world the master calls a butterfly.  Richard Bach

Butterflies flit around enjoying an aerial view of life. They have the opportunity to see everything from an entirely different angle than most of us.  They seemingly have not a care in the world, and are just living life moment by moment. 

  

I crave knowledge and know from experience the more you learn, the better things go. Over the last few months I have found myself reading meditation books, books about Buddhism, and of course waking up my creative side with The Artist’s Way. Interspersed were some great murder, mystery and love novels to soften my learning curve. Buying a book or two was part of my gift to myself, and my creative self is very grateful. 

  

I’m working hard at finding me, loving me, and cherishing the life I have created. Thank you all for your part in my journey. 

Finding Sandy….

 

My life has been full of challenges and changes for years. Three different relationships ended, three times I slowly picked myself up and began finding myself again. This is the third time, and I feel like I’m finally beginning to find myself again. 

  

I have the awesome personality type to try and do everything for my partner.  In doing so I often lose me.  It has happened in each of the three relationships.  I began to forget what Sandy wanted.  What was important to her, and who she really is. All very important parts to being yourself. 

When you lose yourself an individual is created who has the characteristics that your partner will love and appreciate. I am the strong silent type, I hold everything inside and just keep smiling. It often reduces conflict, which I abhor, but it causes a disaster when words finally erupt. 

 

Now every day I wake up in my own condo and make decisions based on what I want to do. I tidy things up when I want, rather than when it’s expected. If I decide to take a nap, I do. If I want to read all night, I do.   If I want to go shopping, I do. I don’t feel restricted by anyone or anything, and I’m finding myself once again in the process. 

At the same time I miss the companionship of a partner, waking up alone.  I have a great group of co-workers, and I have made a few good friends.  I am enjoying going out, laughing and creating new memories on my own. I have forced myself to get out and walk, go to movies and explore the beautiful city I live in. 

 

The journey is mine, and I’m doing my best to  make every moment count.