Sandra Healing Steiner's Blog, page 81

Write On!

I have moved through the last forty some years with a ‘can do’ approach to life. I believe that I can achieve my goals if I try hard enough, and the goals are realistic.

Today as I was leading a group of wonderful ladies through the creative writing process it struck me that we can do anything. We were discussing physical limitations and how they make achieving the goal of writing for pleasure more difficult, but not impossible.

I encouraged them to think about their limitations and control their pain as much as possible. This might sound easy for some, but this brave group of ladies were brought together by persistent ongoing pain issues. Like me, some of them have difficulty sitting, typing and writing. With these limitations it’s important to think about work arounds. Here are a few suggestions.

1. Put a box or phone book under your feet when typing. It seems to relieve low back and hip pain.

2. Find a pen that is comfortable to hold and smooth to write with. If it requires less pressure to write, your hands won’t tire as quickly.

3. Use a note taking process that can be worked at in smaller time increments. By using a mind map one can easily pick up where you left off planning your story characters, setting or problem.

4. Have reasonable expectations. It may be that you can only write for an hour at a time. Take frequent breaks and walk or move around.

5. Use a writing board or lap desk to hold your book or iPad at the optimal angle. A heating pad on the neck may reduce neck tightness when writing.

6. Rest your hands and/or arms on a pillow on your lap. It eases the shoulder and arm fatigue.

The writing process should be fun. It should not be painful or uncomfortable. Writing can be a release, a method of distracting yourself from the uncomfortable pain if you let it.

Organize a work area. It could mean a basket of supplies are brought out to the kitchen table each time you are ready to write. Be conscious of the time passing so that you don’t worsen your conditions. Focus on your mind map. Put as much time into planning your characters, setting, and action as you feel is necessary.

What sort of story do you want to write? Will it be a mystery? An autobiographical story about you? Let the ideas flow, and a natural genre usually comes forward.

Most of all though, just write. The more you write the easier the words flow!

What do I say to a grieving parent?

What to say to a grieving parent

1. Don’t say…..

“You just need to get some sleep, tomorrow will be better.”

This is a lie. When a parent loses a child their life will be forever altered by the journey of grief. As time passes the grief does not lessen, but we become better at coping with it.

Instead say…..

“Why don’t you rest now and we can talk more later if you like.”

2. Don’t say……

“I don’t know why you insist on talking about your daughter. She’s dead.”

As grieving parents we need to voice our thoughts like everyone else, and the death of our child is on our minds. I believe we also interject comments about our child so they won’t be forgotten. We want their memory to continue.

Instead say…..

“She was sure a beautiful girl! We all remember her big smile!”

3. Don’t say…..

“So what exactly happened?”

Grieving parents have graphic images of what happened to their child and the resulting consequences for life evermore burned into their memories. Discussing the tragedy will only result in more stress and unnecessary anxiety.

Instead say….

“I just want you to know if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.”

4. Don’t say….

“When you get around to clearing her things out I get first choice of the stuff your getting rid of. OK?”

Clearing out a child’s possessions may not happen for years. Some parents leave their child’s things in place as a sanctuary or place to go remember them forever. It is not uncommon for everything to be boxed and stored without ever going through things.

Instead say…..

“If I can help you in any way please don’t hesitate to ask.”

5. Don’t say….

“It’s been ten years, isn’t it time to get over it?”

Grieving parents will be on the grief journey for the rest of their lives. There is no correct procedure or timeline to grief, it’s all individual.

Instead say….

“I know the anniversary of her death is coming up. Do you have plans made for that day?”

Journey of Life

Have you ever stopped to think about the order of events in your life?  Why did they happen in that way?  Could you have altered the path?  Do you believe in destiny? Do you believe the events happened in a  particular order by divine intervention or by your own choices?

I believe these events help shape the person you are and build knowledge and strength for the next challenge.  Once a challenge is completed it becomes the predecessor for yet another challenge.  Each one building off the information you have in your knowledge base.

When a child passes away a journey is begun.  This is when an event occurs that will not allow you to move past that moment, it is on your mind for the rest of your life.  Eleven years ago my daughter died in a motor vehicle accident.  For the first few years I was consumed with getting through each day and doing the best I could do.  I was recovering from my own injuries, accepting that this was the way life would be from then on.

The journey is long and never ending, the best I can hope for is to learn more methods of coping, thereby increasing my own quality of life.  I made the choice a few years ago to publicly speak out and talk candidly about how the loss of my daughter and how the resulting chronic illness was affecting me. I am very proud of the way I have handled my life challenges and I want to ‘pay it forward’ by making information I have learned, available to others.

I’m not going to lie, I did not just wake up one day and say I was going to cope by sharing my story.  I went through many months and years angry at everything, holding it inside and smiling on the outside.  There is never a moment that she is not on my mind.  I run scenarios all the time, the “if only’s” to no avail.  The effect that the overwhelming grief has had on our family is monumental.  Unfortunately we cannot apply a bandage and hope it heals, because it won’t.

I took a leap of faith about a year ago and decided to share my experiences.  In the process I have connected with so many wonderful individuals.  In the last year I have written and published two novels, they are both inspirational and encouraging.  I have heard from readers that they were touched deeply by the stories of Lily in Live for Today and Angie in Cherish the Past.  I have reached out via my social media to strangers, offering condolences and a listening ear.  In the last year many have messaged me that they appreciated my words of wisdom.

I blog about my view on chronic illness and share what I have learned from my own experience.  I choose to post inspiring comments, and share everything I can with those who follow my social media threads.  It is an amazing feeling and a huge compliment to hear that I am able to help in any way ease the suffering of another.

There is no guidebook to intense loss therefore we must support each other.  Please make sure we are connected, I have some very valuable insights to share.

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Healthier Me, Class is in Session

Well it’s been a week since I started to implement changes into my life. I just want to be healthier and live a healthier lifestyle, that’s all!

I have successfully managed to not eat after eight pm six out of seven nights and it feels good! I’m noticing already that my stomach feels softer and most nights I fell asleep quite quickly! Before I was noticing that when I snacked late, my stomach was not pleased with me when I tried to go to bed.

I have successfully managed to decrease the portion size on my plate and still feel fine. In my case my husband is a great cook and it’s hard not to just eat, well you know what I mean!

The other thing I’m working on is getting out walking more. Not just strolling, but making sure my heart rate is up. The first couple of times I was winded and dizzy! But it’s getting better each day. Hopefully I will be able to start adding some distance in the coming months, the dog park track is getting very familiar!

But guess what! I am already down a couple pounds. I am re-energized and filled with hope that I can make this happen!

Often I am my own worst critic, as I'm sure a few of you are as well. I have been working really hard over the last few years to have faith in myself and believe that I can do anything I set my mind to. I am that woman who has trouble finding clothes I think look good and difficulty deciding how to try and fix my hair. But I'm getting better.

Writing a blog was a crazy idea, but when subscribers and viewers started following my posts I was amazed. When my first novel went to the editor last year I was terrified, nauseous and anxious but I did it!




As I look in the mirror I remind myself how far I have come. How many of my dreams have come true. But most of all I am just grateful to be me!

Spring has Sprung

“Every flower is a soul blossoming in nature.”

Gerard De Nerval

Many of you are aware I live on beautiful Vancouver Island in Canada. Winter here means a little cool weather, rain and the possibility of a few flakes of snow. But, our foliage dies off and flowers die.

While on my way to our local dog park today it was very apparent that Spring is in the air! The trees have been breaking out buds and fuzzy pussy willows are everywhere.

As I was walking past the neighbours today I was pleased to see the bulbs poking through, some are even in flower already. In some of the sheltered areas the flowers are in bloom.

Our grass is green pretty much all year round, but at this time of year it looks more lush and vibrant. The birds are happily tweeting tunes and flying in groups around the park from tree to tree.

Today is Groundhog Day and those participating groundhogs have had a variety of opinions based on their locations. From my location, I would suggest Spring has Sprung!

Weight Loss 101

The washing machine must have shrunk them! I’m not sure where the chocolate is, I know I didn’t eat it! But I only had one cookie! I walked a lot this week! And other lies I have been telling myself for awhile!

A couple of years ago I put the weigh scale in the closet. Often I would think I should bring it out and see where I am at, but never did until today. My mind was blown, I have never seen that number associated with my weight before. Reality has hit!

In my defence the last couple of years have been interesting medically. My specialists have been changing my medications around trying to find just the right combination to control my chronic conditions. For me, three out of four of my daily prescriptions are known to cause weight gain. I know I will have to work hard to be healthier because of this.

So here is what I know needs to change in my life.

1. I need to quit wearing my sweats all the time. By putting on structured clothing I am better able to realize where I am at on the healthy scale.

2. I need to eat more balanced meals, order less take out and more fruits and vegetables. I have a hard time eating three times a day, and like to snack at night.

3. I need to get more exercise. For me, this means getting back into walking more at a pace quick enough to raise my heart rate.

4. I need to use my weigh scale at least monthly to monitor my weight.

Here is my plan!

1. Plan to walk everyday, and at least twice a week do a longer five km walk. Ensure that at some point during each walk my heart rate is elevated.

2. Set up a healthy eating plan with my hubby. Try to eat three times a day, and no snacking after 8pm. When ordering take out, order healthy.

3. Get out of the house more. Take more pride in my appearance and make note how my clothing fits.

4. Set a reasonable goal for loss of five pounds a month. Try to weigh weekly to keep motivated.

5. Be mindful of my doctors directions on reasonable activities and prescriptions.

Care to join me? There is definitely room in Weight Loss 101 for anyone who wishes to join.

Meditation

If your like I was several years ago, when you hear the word meditation you likely conjure up images of sitting cross legged and humming loudly.

In reality meditation takes on many forms and some refer to it as an integral part of mindfulness. According to Wikipedia it is:

The term meditation refers to a broad variety of practices that includes techniques designed to promote relaxation, build internal energy or life force (qi, ki, prana, etc.) and develop compassion,[3] love, patience, generosity and forgiveness. A particularly ambitious form of meditation aims at effortlessly sustained single-pointed concentration[4] meant to enable its practitioner to enjoy an indestructible sense of well-being while engaging in any life activity.

Over the last ten years I have had different experiences with meditation, but in the end, they all do one thing and that is relax the body and slow breathing patterns. It is important to experiment with many different forms in order to find what works for you. My initial attempt at meditation had me sitting in a group, trying not to look at everyone else and thinking “what have I gotten myself into!”

My first successful experience with meditation was in a yoga classroom. While sitting in a traditional pose, with calm music playing the teacher directed the class. She used firm, calm directives to help us to slow our breathing. With our eyes closed we began visualizing calm quiet peace. If you would like to try this on your own there are many guided meditation discs available on the market.

Another meditation experience I have done was actually in a therapists office. The lights were dimmed, and she spoke in firm but soothing tones directing me to focus on her voice and calm my breathing. Much to my surprise at the time it allowed me to calm my breathing and lower my anxiety level.

Guided meditation allows the user to get into a state of complete relaxation. I have had the pleasure of seeing beautiful waterfalls, walking in the forest, and listening to the ocean all while meditating in a classroom. It is really quite a remarkable experience.

Meditation can take on many forms and once you have had the experience, you will want to do it again. For me, it is a method of focus that allows me to shut out the things causing anxiety. I use it when I have insomnia, if my anxiety levels are high, or if I wake from a nightmare.

Insomnia can be frustrating and it can cause anxiety. When I can’t sleep my mind goes in a million directions. My thought patterns are fractured and often frustration sets in. I have discovered that if I lay quietly, with my eyes closed, and focus on each breathe! Breathing in and out as deeply as possible my anxiety level begins to disappear and before I know it I have drifted off. I have been doing this for years now and for me it works.

Sometimes my anxiety level will be triggered by an event, smell, or sound while I’m out doing everyday activities. I have worked hard to be able to sit quietly in a public place, breathing deeply, again focussing on each breathe to reduce it to a more manageable level. Thus allowing me to complete the errand, or event without the stress of the anxiety.

It may take a few tries for meditation to work for you, but in the end it is worth the time and effort!

#amwriting

I have never claimed to be an expert on anything. However I still share my experiences with the hope that I can provide insight to those in need.

When I was a young teen I struggled with many different issues including peer pressure, education and much more. As a young mom I was terrified of doing something wrong. But, I think my children turned out amazing. My experiences and struggles have value, and that is what I try and share.

I often blog about things like depression, chronic illness and parenting because I care. I want those that follow my blog to be encouraged and inspired. My decisions may not be for everyone, but they give options to those who are interested.

The novels I have written and published are about strong women who have lived life and become stronger because of it. They offer hope to those who are feeling like no one understands the struggles. I have four more novels set to release this year and they offer hope in difficult situations.

Your life is your own. I think of it like a ball of play dough, it can be made into so many things, moulded in many shapes. Or like a cup of tea, it can be strong or weak, the choice is yours. We all consciously make decisions to either make our life better, by whatever means is available, or to just float along.

Each day I challenge myself to find quotes, pictures, blogs and books that make me pause and think. Some make me chuckle, others cause tears, but I have the control. I friend and follow positive outgoing people on my social media networks so I can gain knowledge from their experiences.

It is important to me to continually learn and absorb new ideas. My writing allows me to share what I have learned with others like you with the hope it may help or encourage.

Anything is possible!

I Choose to Smile ☺️

I am that annoyingly happy person that sees the silver lining in the storm cloud. I am that published author and blogger that writes to inspire and encourage those having a rough day.

Reading through my social media tonight made me kind of sad. Many of the posts are addressing an injustice, someone has done them wrong. Others are not feeling well. Some are upset because their life is not going well, and others are disappointed in their jobs, businesses, or book sales. I often comment on posts encouraging them to keep going or pointing out the awesome side of what’s going on. I know it’s sometimes not what you want to hear, but why perpetuate the negative.

Look closely at what is happening in your life. What can you take from an event, or comment that is positive? Will this negative moment matter in the morning? Are you making the matter worse by bemoaning what is going on?

That person who did you wrong, showed you what to look for next time. The blog that pirated your novel, taught you to be more careful who you give your work to. The contest winner who was rude taught you to put a disclaimer on your contest. That Facebook friend who shared your links without being asked showed you true friendship. The relative who bought your book showed you true support.

Let me tell you, when my daughter died, I wanted to die. I know I’m alive for a reason, there are still things I’m meant to accomplish. There are still people that I am meant to encourage.

When my first marriage ended I knew it was time to do more with my life. Slowly I began to let my voice be heard. Over the years I have confidently listened to many women, offering what advice I could, hoping it would make their lives easier.

When I received negative comments on my novels, I took that as constructive criticism and moved on. Some loved them, others hated them. That’s how life is, it would be impossible to please everyone.

Through it all I learned a very important lesson. People who are consistently negative are not worth the effort. In my life they are moved to the back row, and others who are interested in a positive lifestyle are moved to the front of my life. That is my choice. I choose not to be mean, I try hard not to be negative and I live my life my way.

I know life is short and as I grow older it seems the years move very fast. Time is a valuable resource and must be used accordingly. I write to reach more people, to try to extend hope to those who feel lost and alone. As I write this blog it is my hope that those who need a little lift, a ray of sunshine, will connect with me. Together we can do anything.

Life has come full circle!

I vaguely remember as a child of about eight visiting my grandmother at her home, in the little hamlet of Morningside in central Alberta. On this visit it was just me, neither of my siblings were there. I sat quietly in her living room while she watched her program, Edge of Night. It would have been about 1973, and she would have been 72 years young.

As I sat there quietly watching the program with her, a commercial came on and she got up to get coffee and her Western Lottery tickets, the winning numbers would be up next on television. She let me hold one of the tickets while the numbers were drawn, carefully scrutinizing the numbers with me, and when she didn’t win she just smiled and put the tickets in the garbage.

“What will we do today?” I remember asking, and with a smile she said “Well let me see. Tomorrow we go to town, today we rest up for tomorrow.” I reached for my book, she reached for hers, and we sat and read for a bit. It was an amazing day. As I sat reading I remember thinking I was going to have a busy life when I got old, places to go, people to see and all that. That moment has crossed my mind many times in the intervening years.

As the afternoon went on, she took time to bake her famous coconut oatmeal cookies with me. Then we started a knitting project. She was teaching me to make a baby sweater for my doll, she was knitting one also for one of the grandchildren.

Flash forward fifteen years and I was blessed with a daughter in 1987 and life was never the same. Over the next five years two sons joined our family and through it all I smiled. It was amazing to be a mom, and all the busyness felt natural. I played with them, travelled to museums, taught them to knit and sew, and had quiet moments with them.

I was in University, working, looking after my family and I loved it. I often thought back to that conversation with my grandmother. I was living my “busy” life. It became a calendar of events, who was supposed to be where, who needed what, and where was I supposed to be.

The few friends I had growing up were still at the party stage and I was running kids everywhere so naturally we lost track of each other. I remember thinking about them along the way, but that was it. I was too busy living my life to take time for them.

Flash forward twenty years and now I am blessed to be a Grandma. The calm, quiet lessons of enjoying each moment that my grandmother taught me, I use all the time. I cherish each letter, call, cuddle and story. I slow to the pace of my grandchildren, so I can enjoy each moment.

Life has come full circle. I am so blessed.