Kern Carter's Blog, page 179

Is This Really a Black Revolution?

There’s an entire world out there who would say no.

Image by: Ebony Rhoden

I see it. I really do. I turn on the TV and see more black people on commercials than I’ve ever seen in my life. I see how we turned out in mass to support Black Panther and turned that into an all-time blockbuster. I see the steps being taken to make sure that inclusiveness includes people of colour.

More importantly, I feel the revitalized sense of pride that we as a people have restored in ourselves and in each other. The way we speak, the unapologetic way in which we describe our blackness, the love that we’re spreading isn’t this amorphous, fragmented, thing. It’s like an eternal sunshine that’s giving life to us all.

I love it. But can I just remind everyone that this is a North American thing. That this “renaissance” we’re experiencing is limited to our borders. Because I’m pretty sure that there are millions of BLACK people starving in East Africa. STARVING, with nearly no food or no food at all. This is happening right now.

Can I remind everyone that just last month, Yes, KIDNAPPED. Stolen from their school, no less, likely by Boko Haram, who just four years ago kidnapped close to 300 young girls in the same fashion.

I’ll stop here, because I can give dozens more examples. My point is not to burst anyone’s bubble. Of course we should celebrate the small (yes, small) victories we’re achieving in moving the needle forward here in North America. But let’s not kid ourselves. This isn’t a black revolution, this is a Black-American revolution. And with the incremental changes that have been made so far, using the word revolution is probably a bit premature and misleading.

It’s More than just Race

My other point is to show that our struggle and oppression goes far deeper than the racism we fight in the western world. Power, corruption, religion, hate, fear; these are all factors crippling our people that aren’t primarily driven by race. Is race a factor in these atrocities? I’d say somewhat. But there are entire layers to these events that are devoid of the race construct.

I say that to say this: perspective matters. Understand that as small as technology has made the world, it’s still a big place with lots of good, but too much bad. When we say things like, “this is a black renaissance,” let’s not be insensitive to the fact that there are entire hemispheres that might not share that opinion.

CRY

Is This Really a Black Revolution? was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

How Do We Make Sex Ed a Comfortable Conversation

Schools can only do so much.

Photo by: Desiree Thomas

It’s strange to be a single man raising a teenage daughter. I feel like there’s a caution sign looming with every conversation, a warning that every word that comes out of my mouth carries a weight and responsibility unique to a parent with sole custody. Even more peculiar is the relationship between father and daughter, separate from what a daughter would share with her mother.

As a father, I’m the benchmark for future relationships my daughter will eventually enter. (Who am I kidding, I’m sure she’s already been in relationships. Let’s just move on.) With that carries a pressure to educate through my actions in addition to lessons I teach through dialogue. She’s always watching — the way I speak to my mother, the way I speak to my girlfriend. The affection and attention I give my daughter is subconsciously calculated with the sum being lived out through her own relationships.

I take this responsibility seriously, and throughout the years I’ve gauged how her actions reflect the environment I’ve tried to create. Now that she’s 15, sex has inevitably creeped into our conversations more frequently. And, even though I’m prepared for this, there’s still a part of me that cringes at the thought of even having these conversations. That’s just the truth.

Another truth: it’s risky trusting anyone outside my family to teach my daughter about the nuances of sex. I know she learned about body parts in elementary school, and by Grade 5 she knew what it meant to get her period. I know because we speak about these things, and she tells me her feelings on the subject. (I’ve gotten skilled at bringing these things up casually and making the conversation comfortable.) But there’s a disconnect, whether minor or major, in what values are taught at home and at school.

At school, sex is just another subject. Teachers can break down body parts and give my daughter the science behind her menstrual cycle. They can teach her about the risks of unprotected sex and why it’s important to know her partner. What they can’t teach my daughter is that having a partner can be crappy, and sometimes people who seem interested can just be after one thing.

In many cases, this is no fault of the teacher. Their hands are tied by curriculums, which are irrelevant to the lives kids lead today. Even the most progressive teachers can only go so far without crossing a line the system doesn’t seem ready to embrace — new Ontario sex-ed curriculum notwithstanding.

Parents shouldn’t be afraid to look to alternative outlets to help with messages about sex and sexuality. Sex education has been a contentious issue since I was in grade school. It’s now been amplified by the proliferation of images that can be seen with a simple click, and TV and video content is infused with sex and situations.

What’s a father to do?

I’ll tell you what I’m not doing. I’m not letting my daughter into the world day after day without arming her with enough knowledge to handle these things. And there are several ways to go about doing this. Having casual conversations is one way, for sure. But sometimes you need things to spark these conversations.

Books are a great spark. I always give my daughter books I’ve chosen so we can discuss them afterward. Right now, she’s reading “White Oleander.” For all of you who’ve read this book, you know it’s pretty explicit. My daughter is halfway through the book in less than a week, so I take it she likes it.

This led to a great talk we had the other day on our way to the movies. The first thing she told me about the book was that the mother is “a very sexual person.” I silently clapped in my mind as my daughter went on to explain how she feels about the mother’s actions.

The same spark is possible with movies and TV shows. Is it odd to sit down and watch a sex scene with your daughter? Of course it is. But my goal is to raise an adult, not a child, and so that can be a bit unnerving at times. And I endure it because the lessons to be learned from those clips are too important to pass up. I want to be the main source of education for how my daughter interprets sexual situations but not the only source. Even if I tried, that just isn’t possible.

At the end of the day, my daughter is at school longer than she’s home. She’s with her friends and browsing the Internet looking at who knows what. As I mentioned, there’s value in school administration teaching foundational elements of sexuality. It’s important children learn as early as possible about their bodies, about other’s bodies and about how engaging in sexual activity affects both.

But this type of learning shouldn’t be restricted to formal schooling. There are other organizations effectively creating a unique awareness and understanding of how sex can impact the life of girls and boys.

In Nicaragua, Christian Children’s Fund of Canada (CCFC) is working within the country to start a conversation about an issue rarely discussed at home — reproductive health. In a country where teen pregnancy is a big issue, young people are learning about their bodies and what it would mean to have a baby before they’re physically and emotionally ready. Watch a video about how that’s being received here.

It’s great to connect your child with platforms that align with your values. You won’t get everything from just one source, but by guiding your child to the right sources, you can at least lead them to a healthier interpretation. As a single father, it’s important to have outlets that help my daughter interpret the emotional exuberance and challenges that come when expressing her sexuality.

I say that because within schools, there is — maybe by necessity — only one perspective from which to teach an entire student body. Some higher-ups decide what messages are appropriate and then drip that information down to the teachers. The teachers then pass on a diluted, system-approved idea of sexuality, which may not fit with how I want my daughter to behave.

I want to shoulder those difficult conversations.

CCFC hopes to do the same with the family of youth in communities around the world where the conversation is especially difficult and very different. We can all learn from each other about what it means to support our teens to give them the best chance at a future filled with potential.

CRY

How Do We Make Sex Ed a Comfortable Conversation was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Kill Kern

A story of transformation.

Image by Krystasia Carter

If I wrap myself in enough thoughts, cover my entire being with the energy of my ambition, and squeeze and squeeze, what will happen?

Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu says that Life and death are illusions. We are in a constant state of transformation.

So the only way to completely transform myself into the person I want to be is to kill the person I am right now.

Kill Kern.

Kill Kern was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

To My 13-Year-Old Daughter — Expect Greatness

Don’t stop. No matter what, do not stop.

Image by Krystasia

There’s actually a really cool story behind this letter. I wrote this for my daughter when she graduated 8th grade (yes, she read it). At the time, I really wanted to write for The Huffington Post . They’d rejected a few or my pitches, but if you know me, that just got me motivated.

So by chance, I happened to be watching a YouTube video of Arianna Huffington speaking to students at a University (I believe it was Stanford). At the end of the speech, she gave out her email to the entire group.

Sooo, me being me, I emailed her the letter and told her how much I’d love for it to be featured on HuffPost. Guess what? She wrote me back. Yeah, I’m not joking. Check out the email below if you don’t believe me.

As you can see, she did one better and gave me my own contributor platform. Although Huffpost has recently discontinued its contributor platform, that became a great outlet for me to express myself and writing for HuffPost allowed me to achieve a years long dream.

OK, enough of this tangent. Read the letter:

Krystasia,

Do you remember that time I worked as a janitor? I was still working hard to be a full time writer, but wasn’t quite there yet. I took you with me to one of my shifts and told you this is my “fake job.” That I needed to do this now so one day I could do what I wanted. Then a year or so later when we drove past that same building you pointed and said, “daddy, no more fake job.”

I’ll never forget that, and I hope those moments stick with you as an example of what is possible if you expect greatness. Being one of the top students in your class every year shows you’ve already started, that you already understand what it takes to earn that label.

Don’t stop. No matter what, do not stop. Your walking across the stage is just the beginning, another step in the marathon of a life that is sure to be filled with achievements. Expect those achievements. Push for them, demand them, work for them, and enjoy every moment of the journey on your way to greatness.

I really hate admitting this, but you are already a young woman. And you are entering one of the most difficult stages of adulthood when you start high school in September. Know that your greatness will be threatened. That there will be influences trying to pull you away from the path that’s been set for you.

I’m telling you that it’s OK to swerve just a little. I don’t expect you to never veer off course. But hold on to that expectation. Hold on to the knowledge that you are put on this earth for something more. Expect more for yourself, more than your peers will understand.

It’s gonna suck sometimes. You’ll find yourself saying no a lot. Find yourself in situations where your decisions will be different than your friends. But that’s OK. It’s part of the process, part of your sacrifice. And you might not be able to see it at first, but trust me when I say it will be so worth it!

I hope you know you have another torch to carry. As a young woman, as a female, it’s a title that holds a lot of weight. It’s also a title that comes with it’s own expectations. I’m telling you now to ignore all of it.

Don’t ever give anyone else the power to define who you are. That power is yours. You take control of your titles, take control of who you want to be and don’t give in to anyone telling you to fit neatly into this or that category. Be part of the wave that puts those stereotypes to rest and carves new histories into your gender and your generation.

I’m so proud of you! And although I’m sharing my own advice, I’m so thankful for all the lessons you have taught me. It’s amazing how that works sometimes. How you can impact my life so deeply without even trying, without even knowing it? Either way, I’m blessed to call you my daughter and wish you nothing but happiness and success. I love you so much.

Your father…

CRY

To My 13-Year-Old Daughter — Expect Greatness was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Want to Write for CRY?

So although I’ve included a few posts from other people, I’ve never formally asked anyone if they’d like to write for CRY. So I’m doing it now.

If you’d like your voice heard through this publication, just comment below or send me an email. I want to start opening up this platform to voices other than my own.

Oh, I guess I should tell you what kind of stories I’m looking for. Well, I’m looking for MORE male voices (not exclusively). I feel there is a lack of sensitive, curious, male voices who want to share emotional stories describing how an event made them feel. I’m sure those blogs exist on Medium, I’m just hoping to give us a louder voice.

If you read the large majority of my posts, they are rooted in my CRYing out about something that’s happened in my life, or something that’s not yet happened that I badly wish would just hurry up and manifest itself.

I’m not looking for any “how to” posts or anything of that nature. I want personal stories that show you, as a male, actually being aware of you how you felt in that moment.

If you’re following CRY, you also know I’m always talking about my daughter. I can’t help it, she’s a special, not-so-little girl. With that said, I’d also welcome women or men to write about their crazy lives as parents (because face it, we all have crazy lives). As long as it’s a story from your perspective, I’m willing to share it.

Just use these guidelines as more of a suggestion. If any of you, female or male, have a story you want to share and think it will fit on CRY, send it my way. I’m really a lot less picky than this letter suggests LOL.

Thank you :)

Want to Write for CRY? was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Being Black Doesn’t Make Me Different

There’s so much more to it…

Image by: Filena Arcia

I just want to get straight to it. Right now, we can’t even say the “D” word in public. Racism and sexism have been so common place that the only way to right the ship is to say that we’re all the same.

But we’re not all the same. My older brother and I aren’t even the same, and neither is me and my younger brother. Just like my daughter isn’t the same as the girl in her classroom who’s from Iran.

But in this world where men have abused their positions as leaders and people of colour are treated prostitutes, we’re forced take the popular position that we’re all the same in order to reach some kind of equilibrium.

We’re in a place and time where we must be very very careful (Elmer Fudd voice) how we use the “D” word. Different is exclusionary. Different means that person can’t be included in this group we’ve created over here and we can’t have that. Not today. Especially not right now.

Not when black people have been marginalized, oppressed, murdered just because they were different. Not when women have been disrespected, beaten, and hunted, just because they were different. No, we are not different. We are all the same.

Except that being black isn’t what makes me different. Being born in Trinidad, raised in Toronto, becoming a parent at 19 and going to university in New York State; that’s what makes me different. It’s the collection of my experiences interpreted through my lens that makes me who I am. The hue of my skin should be incidental to those experiences.

But, of course, it’s not. And who knows when that won’t be the case. The fact is when I’m seen, it’s from the pretence of a black man first, and all the assumptions that come with that label. Without knowing anything about me other than the colour of my skin, I will be judged. My colour makes me different.

I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait till we’re past this period. I can’t wait till we don’t need the calling cards of #MeeToo and #BlackLivesMatter because the premise of those movements are based heavily on traits that shouldn’t cause this type of disruption.

It’s a heavy burden to walk into a room and feel pressure to be on my best behaviour so I dispel the stereotype put on every person of colour. It’s annoying that being the only black person in the room is still a thing. But that’s real. That’s where we are. That’s what we have to deal with.

So I’ll deal with it, until I don’t have to. And society will deal with it, till it no longer has to. Then one day I won’t have to write these frustration pieces. One day…

CRY

Being Black Doesn’t Make Me Different was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Talking Women’s Movement with my Teen Daughter

Because it’s necessary.

My daughter had so many questions. When hundreds of thousands of women (and some men) took to the streets to march in opposition of the U.S. presidential election last year, she wanted to know why. She saw images on her IG feed and some of her friends had spoken about it at school. She was 14 at the time, halfway through ninth grade, living in Toronto, and this conversation had entered her life.

It shouldn’t be a surprise anymore that a presidential election in the U.S has an impact, beyond functional politics, on the life of a teenage girl and her father living in Canada. No one should raise an eyebrow that images of the women’s march made it to her IG screen. My daughter is a young woman. And if the rights of women anywhere in the world are being threatened, then she should know about it.

Why Should She Care?

Fast forward to today and a lot more has happened. The #MeToo movement has gained international recognition. More and more women are being empowered to speak up about injustices, abuse and oppression in their lives. It feels like a monumental moment in history.

My daughter is even more curious now. She’s a year older, and I can tell by our conversations that this holds weight in her life. I do my best to explain why these movements are happening and why she should care. I told her women feel like their rights are threatened. They feel it at their jobs, they feel that threat through the politics of their country, and, in the worst cases, they feel it at home.

I tell her, unfortunately, that she will experience these same feelings. She tells me that, in some ways, she already has. She understands double standards. High school has made sure of that. She talks about the behaviour of boys in her class and what they’re allowed to get away with compared to the girls. She instinctively knows it’s not fair.

I tell her that’s exactly why she should care — because it’s not fair to anyone. And how a young girl is unfairly socialized in a tenth grade class in Toronto is part of the reason why these women are marching. They want boys and girls, men and women, to be treated equally as human beings, and for that to happen, it’s going to take a lot of noise.

I tell my daughter she needs to care about all girls. Blood can’t be the only thing that makes us sisters and brothers. We are a family, a global community that needs to do everything we can to help uplift and empower those who can’t do it themselves or who aren’t aware there are better options.

You Have a Voice!

These women are marching for you, is my message to my daughter. They’re marching for the girls in your classroom, the teachers in your school and for every girl who was ever made to feel like she is less than amazing.

I make sure she knows that this doesn’t just go one way. You have a voice, too, I say. It must be a strong voice to help however you can. We actually spoke about this. We brainstormed how she can use her interests to make a difference. We’ve gotten to the point where she knows she wants to help young, black girls close to her age. We haven’t quite figured out how just yet, but we’re working on it.

The main point I stress to my daughter about this entire movement is that she is a part of it. It’s her choice whether she actively participates, but whatever decision she makes is a decision. I’m not sure she fully gets that part yet, but she will.

Inspiration helps, and a story I read recently comes to mind. I read about Angie, a former Christian Children’s Fund of Canada sponsored child and youth leader in Paraguay who visited Canada last fall to speak up for child rights at a World Health Organization event in Ottawa. It wasn’t the #MeToo message, but it shows how even teenagers can make a difference. Check it out.

We all need to join as a global community to campaign for the rights of women, children, youth and vulnerable people around the world.

I’m looking forward to continuing the conversation with my daughter as I raise her to become a strong, confident woman.

CRY

Talking Women’s Movement with my Teen Daughter was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Self Publishing Is Great — Sometimes

Depends on the day…

As I get deeper into this writing thing, I realize that many of us who self-publish must feel exactly the same way. It feels great to have an idea in your mind, pull it out of your brain, try to have it make sense to someone other than yourself, and then finally see that idea through to a full length book.

It’s truly a magical moment, immediately followed by the biggest slap of reality any of us self-published authors certainly face: “OK…now what?”

I’m laughing as I write this because it really is alarming. You hold the first copy of your first book in your hands and say to yourself, “it’s on.” I know I had the most monumental dreams ever. I saw my name in lights next to my author idols: Jhumpa Lahiri and Khaled Hosseini, Toni Morrison and John Milton. I was so ready.

Then the lights dim and you struggle to see the future that just a minute ago appeared so clear. You find out that it’s not so easy for people outside of your immediate network to discover your book. You struggle night and day to tap into platforms that will give your book the attention it deserves. That’s when you recognize that tens of thousands of authors just like you are doing the exact same thing.

You’re a drop in the ocean.

More than that, you’re a drop in the ocean with no wave to propel you. Harsh, but true. Self-publishing truly is self-publishing. There’s no budget, no connections, no sponsorships, no publicists; you must develop these things all on your own.

But you’re committed so you welcome the challenge. You carve out time each day from your “real” job and dedicate those moments to building your writing career. You strategize your social media, become more consistent on your blog, and ask for reviews from people to whom you’ve given away your book, a step you’ve come to realize is absolutely necessary.

Months go by and your sales are barely improving. In fact, you’re lucky if your sales are in the hundreds. Still undeterred, you push on. Now it’s on to more readings, guest blogging, getting your story into more book stores, and figuring out how to get yourself into the media.

Before you know it, a year has gone by. People aren’t as excited about your “old” book. Friends ask if you’re still writing and you still haven’t sold enough copies of your novel to cover the amount it took for you to publish the damn thing.

Now you start wondering if it’s worth it. Maybe you should’ve took some more time editing. Maybe you should’ve looked harder for an agent. Maybe you should’ve got it published by a real publisher. All these thoughts rotate in your mind daily with no clear answer.

Now what?

You’re back here again. Discouraged, frustrated, angry that you aren’t the one person who would go against all the odds and break through to become a self-publishing success. You have tidbits of an idea for another book, but are uncertain if you should write another one when you don’t feel that your first has gotten a fair shot.

These are the struggles we all face as writers when we take the bold step to self publish. We have an idea of the mountain we’re up against before we set off on this journey, but have no real idea of the work until we start climbing.

But it’s this very journey that is exhilarating. It’s the act of trying to separate yourself from the infinite amount of authors that makes self-publishing so special. You are in control of your destiny in the same way someone who starts their own business is in control o theirs.

We chose this direction because the gatekeepers have neglected us. For me, my goal has always been to touch as many people as possible. I don’t care how that happens. If it takes me writing 20 books, then so be it. If I happen to get signed by a major, then so be it. I’ve accepted my journey and will keep pushing to tell the best stories possible to the most people possible. More importantly, I will enjoy every second of every minute along the way.

CRY

Self Publishing Is Great — Sometimes was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Talking to Myself

My daily affirmations.

These are some of the things I say to myself everyday:

I am ready.

Thank you, God/Universe. Keep showing me the way and we’ll do this together.

It’s my time.

Sorry.

I’ll do better.

I trust in you, God/Universe.

It’s OK, Kern.

Keep going.

Ignore that. It’s not your life, it’s theirs.

Be patient.

Fuck that! Let’s do this.

It’s not that bad.

I’m the best ever.

These words help get me through because I don’t just say them, I believe them.

What are some of the beliefs that keep you going?

CRY

Talking to Myself was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I’m Scared I’m Not Doing Enough

I need to just let go

Image by Ishmil Waterman

Typical me. Typical, typical, typical me. I don’t know how some people do it. I don’t know how not to care. Or I don’t know how not to care to the point where it feels like everything is on the line with everything I do.

Every post feels urgent. Every word I write feels measured. I’m thinking of my present success and weighing it against others. What am I doing wrong? Or right?

Am I writing too much? Am I writing enough? Should I just shut off all this blogging and focus on writing another book, or maybe finding an agent? What’s it going to take? Someone tell me…what’s it going to take?

LET IT GO

Behind all this CRYing, I forget sometimes how much I love writing. Because I do love it. I love it more and more everyday. I can and will keep writing as long as my fingers will let me and my mind can produce thoughts. It’s so much of who I am that there is only a thin separation between this craft and self. Right or wrong, that’s how I feel.

As I’m writing this, I’m actually starting to calm down. I’m enjoying this. Enjoying the feel of my fingers on the keyboard, enjoying the words coming out of my mind and flowing onto this page. Only the love of my daughter feels more intimate.

I just really need to vent sometimes, and sharing it helps me to release these thoughts and feelings and move on. Every moment is temporary, every moment will be remembered forever. This is real.

CRY

I’m Scared I’m Not Doing Enough was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.