Kern Carter's Blog, page 177

Is My Ambition Helping or Hurting My Daughter?

Sometimes it’s hard to tell.

It’s about 5:30 a.m. as I’m writing this. At 6:00 a.m. my daughter’s alarm will go off and she’ll come strolling out of her room and jump in the shower. By 7:00 a.m., she’ll be ready for school.

Except we live only 25 minutes away from her school and her first class doesn’t start until 8:45.

This has been my daughter’s new routine since the school year started. She’s in 11th grade and she’s already professed that this is “her year.” Sewing class every Tuesday, 3D printing every other Monday, kickboxing twice a week, and we’re searching for graphic design classes and a weekend retail job to fit into her schedule. We’re also committed to attending at least one artistic event each week.

This is all her idea. She insisted I pack her schedule and she’s kept me accountable in making sure that happens. My only caveat was that she keep her grades exceptional and she hasn’t scored lower than a 90 on any of her tests.

One part of me is loving this. To watch her grow into a young woman and explore different versions of herself has been incredible. But I know part of why she’s been so focused on waking up early and filling her schedule is because she’s watching me.

Kids Notice Everything

This isn’t a guess. During the summer before she came up with this plan, she asked me questions. She asked me why I wake up so early every day. She wanted to know more details about my career and asked what it would take for her to be successful. Then before the school year started, she came to me with her goals all laid out.

I’m so proud of what she’s doing and the fact that she’s stuck to this schedule for two months. But is my schedule a healthy barometer for a 16-year-old? Should she be imitating someone who gets four hours sleep a night and works 14 hour days?

I want her to be ambitious. I want her to achieve all the goals she sets for herself. But I also want her to enjoy being a teenager. I encourage her to have a social life and to go out with her friends on weekends instead of doing schoolwork a week ahead of time.

I’m Watching and Learning

At this point, I’m not going to stop it. I’ll let her keep pushing herself as far as she can and I’ll support it. But I’m watching her. As much as I want her to succeed, I don’t want her becoming a workaholic teen.

Maybe my next step as a parent is teaching her how to work smart. Let her know that working hard doesn’t have to mean working long hours. Maybe I should let her figure that out herself. As a parent, you never really know what the right move is. Especially when you only have one child, it’s pretty much hunches and gut feelings.

It’s an odd position to be in. Parenting a teenager as someone who’s still considered a millennial is a strange position, generally. I’ve written entire posts on that topic alone. What I’m trying to say is that I’m both wary and honoured that she’s following my example. If you’re doing mostly positive things like I am, then there really shouldn’t be much to worry about.

I’ll keep you posted if things change. For now, she’s taking on the world head-on.

P.S., she’s up and making breakfast now!

C.R.Y

Is My Ambition Helping or Hurting My Daughter? was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Why Do I Have to Write About Being Black?

I don’t want to.

It’s really annoying when people ask me to why I don’t write about being black. Sometimes they don’t even ask, they make suggestions:

“You should write about being black in Canada. I bet a lot of people would love to read about that.”

“Why don’t you tell that story you told me about the time that teacher was racist to your brother?”

“If you want more attention, just talk about being black. That’ll make everyone’s head turn.”

On and on they go trying their best to convince me that the only way my writing will get noticed on a grand scale is to talk about being black. (Insert eye roll emoji here). They say that’s what makes me different. They say race is one of the hottest topics of the day and that I should use every advantage I can to be heard.

People actually say these things to me. Some people can even be pushy about it. But isn’t limiting me to writing about race defeating the purpose of the equality we’re fighting for? As I see it, we’ve been fighting for equal opportunity and that should include the opportunity to write about whatever inspires me. And just because race doesn’t happen to be the thing that fuels my writing doesn’t mean I’m any less “woke” than my peers who allow race to dominate their storytelling.

The Black Experience Is Much More Vast than Is Being Shown

When people mention telling stories about the black experience, what they really mean is telling the negative stories of the black experience. They mean I have to talk about growing up poor and not having a father. They mean someone has to be in jail or selling drugs. They expect someone to be holding a gun and someone else should be on the receiving end of that bullet.

That’s the “black” experience they’re talking about.

Like if all black people come from struggle. Like if all black people are accepting of criminal elements in their families. Like if we’ve never grown up with any kind of privileges or had parents who not just dreamed of our success, but expected it.

And that’s assuming we want to narrow our stories to the real world.

What if we want to imagine? What if we want to tell stories like Djinn by Sang Kromah and Children of Blood and Bones by Tomi Adeyemi. Stories that have the essence of our culture interwoven into imagined worlds and characters that resemble our tone but look nothing like how we’re regularly portrayed in pop culture.

These are the stories that excite my imagination. These are the stories that tear down the walls we’ve been confined to when it comes to expressing our creativity, some of that self-imposed.

Not me

That won’t be me. Not ever. I live with being black every day. I really don’t want to write about it, and I shouldn’t have to in order to get attention. My writing will always be driven by my imagination. By what inspires me or hurts me or pushes me to share these stories. I’ll never sacrifice that because it’s apparently more popular to tell “black” stories.

C.R.Y

Why Do I Have to Write About Being Black? was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Who Cares If You’re Good At Writing

Being good at your craft is just the beginning.

I want you to stand up. Do it right now. OK, now give yourself a great big pat on the back. Does that feel good? Does congratulating yourself for being good at what you do make you feel better? Great, now that’s over and the real work begins. You ready?

Hope you enjoyed that pat on the back because no one else is giving you anything. The harsh but honest reality is that no one cares that you’re a good writer. No one even cares if you’re a great writer. But if you want to achieve something meaningful in your career, your job is to make them care. That’s life in 2018.

I can list ten writers who are just as good as me that no one has ever heard of. Ten writers who are happy to remain nameless and are content to continue writing for their own pleasure. I love these writers and appreciate the fact that writing for them isn’t about reaching other people. It’s much more personal and therapeutic.

I’m not that kind of writer. And if you’re posting any of your writing to Medium, or if you’re writing novels or posting articles to any other platform, you aren’t that kind of writer either. You want people to read what you’re saying and hear the messages you’re trying to communicate through written word.

Other People’s Opinions Matter

The first step is to admit this. Stand up again and say it to yourself. “Other people's opinions matter.” Say it loud. Own that statement. Once you stop tap dancing around this fact, you’ll become free. Free to accept that the words you’re writing have purpose beyond being personal. You want to move people, inspire them, educate or motivate them to action. If you can’t admit you care, then stop posting your work. Stop making it public. See what that feels like. If it sucks, then get over your fears and get in the game.

How Far Do You Want to Take This Thing?

OK, so you’ve gotten through the easy part. Now it’s time to get other people to care just as much as you do. Because that’s the goal, right? Remember you’re writing for a reason. You’re putting words into the universe for a reason. You want people to read them and feel…something.

Well if you want someone else to feel something, you better feel something your damn self. The stuff you’re writing better mean something to you. It better be coming from a real place, be well researched or genuinely experienced. It better be filled with imagination and driven by authentic curiosity. If what you’re saying isn’t burning to come out, leave it in.

Execute First, Plan Second — In that Order

When I started writing my first book, I had no idea what I wanted to write about. None at all. But I didn’t let that stop me. I started writing about my life knowing that’s not the story I wanted to tell. What getting started did, however, was get me started.

Getting started quickly means I was able to get feedback. Getting feedback meant I was able to improve at a faster pace. Going through the process of writing, even without clear direction, made me a much better writer and storyteller. Then magic eventually happened and that unfiltered, unfocused, chaotic story became the foundation for Thoughts of a Fractured Soul, my debut novella.

Now because I’ve gone through the process, I’m better able to plan things out. I know what kind of environment I need to write well. I know what steps I need to take to get my story out and make it sing. Preparation has taken my writing to the next level, but executing first has gotten me here.

The way I look at it, great writers are everywhere. I don’t assume my writing is distinctly better than anyone else's. Yes, I’m confident in my abilities, but I’m not the one who needs convincing. The goal is to show the world that my stories should be heard. Until that’s the case, then being great makes no difference.

C R Y

Who Cares If You’re Good At Writing was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Forgiving Myself for Free Time

I’m not doing anything right now and that’s OK

Image by: C.J Cromwell

I just finished doing something I’ve never done. I completed a full manuscript in two months. That’s over 70,000 words in 60 days. To give you some kind of perspective, my first book took me six years and my second novel took me two. So safe to say I really pushed myself both creatively and when it comes to efficiency in a way I’ve never done before.

Achieving that kind of output took me waking up 5:30 every morning, writing for two hours, then going to my “day job” (where I also write) and working for eight hours before coming back home to write for another two hours. In between all that writing, I find the time to have breakfast and dinner with my daughter and sometimes even sneak in a movie or go out for a bite.

But that’s all over, and now I find myself in the unfamiliar position of having extra time. Yes, I still write full-time for a living, but I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t swamped with contracts or deadlines or something extra that totally ransomed my time.

At first, I felt guilty.

At first, I almost felt guilty. Like I shouldn’t be allowed to have free time. I immediately started thinking of ways to fill it and even went as far as to send out some emails with different project ideas. Then I thought, “Kern…chill!” There’s absolutely nothing wrong with me not having anything to do.

Well first of all, I still have lots to do. But relatively speaking, this is a light schedule for me and I’m not sure how to feel about it. On one hand, my thinking is go, go, go. I’m still young enough to manage chaotic schedules and with all the goals I’ve set for myself, who has time to chill? And what if while I’m chilling someone else is out-working me? That thought alone makes me want to start another book.

But then the other side of me is saying it’s really not that bad. Free time is not the end of the world. There’s no need to go flooding my schedule just to prove to myself that I’m working hard enough. I’m at the point in my career where working smart is probably more important than working hard. And when am I going to get over this notion that hard work needs to be measured purely by an overflow of hours?

The Real Question

I’m from Toronto and TIFF (Film Festival) just ended. I was fortunate enough to see the Quincy documentary on legendary producer Quincy Jones. Talk about being accomplished. He’s been in the game for 70 years and hasn’t taken a break yet. And I mean that seriously. He’s still going at 85 years old.

But all his achievements have been at the expense of his family and his health. I won’t play spoiler for anyone who wants to watch it, but I left that theatre wondering if there’s no way around paying that high of a price for that level of success. Do I have to turn it up even more if I want to be the best? Or is it at all possible to live a somewhat balanced life and still hit all my goals?

In reality, I know something will eventually come along that is too good to pass up. Some project or collaboration or opportunity that’s worth me giving up my time. But until that happens, until that something actually presents itself, I’m not gonna stress over not having enough stress.

C.R.Y.

Forgiving Myself for Free Time was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Keep Telling Me I’m Not Good Enough

Fuel for writers.

Keep putting down my ideas.

Keep rejecting my manuscripts.

Keep telling me I need to write stories about the black experience if I want to get noticed.

Keep ignoring my readers. Tell me they don’t matter because they don’t number in the millions.

Keep telling me I don’t have enough Instagram followers to matter.

Keep telling me to edit. Then when I’m done, tell me to edit again. And again. And one more time after that.

Writers. Our lives are full of rejection. Full of people telling us our work is just not good enough. But we are our work so how do we not take that as, “YOU just aren’t good enough?”

Every no is another pinch. Every rejection email like a soft punch in the gut. Every negative comment a slap to the face. And we endure this day after day, week after week, month after month, and for the best of us, we suffer endlessly because no matter what, we know we can’t stop.

C.R.Y.

Keep Telling Me I’m Not Good Enough was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Writing for The Biggest Bank in Canada — What It’s Really Like

The ups and downs of writing for corporate Canada?

Image by: Playground

I never, ever, like EVER thought I’d work for a bank. Even saying it now sounds insane. And to be fair, I don’t exactly work for the bank. I’m part of the design team for RBC Ventures, which is a newly developed venture hub for RBC.

Either way, I’m a freelancer not just by title, but by personality. I love working with different people and different organizations, creating cool content that help elevate those brands in some meaningful way. The idea that I’d be able to replicate even a fraction of the creativity and freedom I had as a freelancer didn’t seem possible. Not at a bank.

But I must admit that it’s been a lot more fun that I’d imagined and I’ve learned so much that the experience has already been worth it. Our sole task at Ventures is to reimagine the future, your future, our future, and not just as it relates to banking.

Image by: PlaygroundWhy Did I Do It?

Impact. If I had to sum up why I decided to dedicate myself to joining this team, impact is the first word that comes to mind. As I said earlier, freelancing for me was about a lifestyle. It’s a lifestyle I orchestrated for myself because it fit with everything that was important to me.

I got to spend ridiculous amounts of time with my daughter, chose the projects I wanted to be a part of, and enjoyed going out late on a Tuesday night without worrying about having to be somewhere the next morning. Giving all that up wasn’t an easy decision.

But I did, and although I still kept some of my freelance projects, I’ve been dedicated to making this Ventures thing work. Why? Because of the potential to make a significant difference.

So far, I’ve worked on platforms to help Newcomers adjust to life in Canada. I’ve created content for apps designed for renters and landlords, homeowners, small businesses, young people looking for jobs, the list goes on and on. None of this would’ve been possible in the capacity it exists right now if I wasn’t operating within this type of corporation with infinite amount of resources.

And when I say resources, I’m not just talking about dollars. The people I work with on a daily basis are some of the brightest, talented, most creative people I’ve had the privilege of meeting. They challenge me to be my best everyday and that’s made me a better writer and strategist.

Image by: PlaygroundCollaborating and Feedback

Another cool benefit of writing for such a big corporation is that everyone is so willing to give feedback. The picture below is something I put together when we were trying to figure out the name of a product. We had narrowed it down to Fueld and Ownr. What I did was write two stories that we sent out to small business owners (our targets) to see which narrative resonated most.

In the end, we decided to go with Ownr, sans the “e.” What do you think? Which name would you have chosen? Ownr is just a baby. It launched at the end of 2017 and is in full scale mode right now.

I only mention this because it took a team to make this happen. Even though I’m the one who wrote this, we had a team of researchers do their thing to help narrow down these two names, had designers create logos, and marketers figure out the most effective plan of attack in getting Ownr off the ground. All of these are luxuries that just weren’t possible as a freelancer.

Let Me Be Honest

So it wouldn’t be me unless I showed you both sides of the story. And while we’re really pushing to do some incredible things with Ventures, the reality is that we’re still very much tied to the bank. And what that means is that there are restrictions on several aspects of how we operate.

For instance, we definitely try to be agile and move quickly, but often content gets hung up in our legal department. How we say something, it’s risk to the bank’s reputation, whether or not we’re allowed to say something that might be misconstrued as advice are just tip of the iceberg matters that we have to jump through hoops to get cleared.

In that same vein, we are certainly encouraged to be creative and given a fair amount of rope to do so, but again, our ties to the core bank means there is somewhat of a cap to how far we can push. Even as Ventures veer away from the core, everything we do is still technically representative of RBC. As a writer, I always have to keep that in mind.

And this isthe last point I’ll make in regards to any drawbacks. When we first started putting out products and services live, the audience would reach their own presumptions about a product being backed by a large bank. So before we’re even given a chance, we have to work extra hard to prove to anyone engaging with our sites or apps that we have no hidden agenda. We genuinely want to put out great products into the world to help improve people’s lives.

I’ll Be Back

As much as I’m enjoying myself right now, I’m a free spirit. And I know my spirit yearns to be released back into the wild. Till that time comes, my goal is to keep making an impact. And there’s no other place in Canada where the opportunity to do that is as present.

C.R.Y

Writing for The Biggest Bank in Canada — What It’s Really Like was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Offline Is Where The Real Progress Is Happening

The sad but true statement about the state of social media.

I think it’s nearly impossible to have any consistently meaningful dialogue on social media between two people who hold opposing viewpoints. By consistent, I mean at a fraction of the rate that we currently have pointless, hate filled online dialogue where too many people simply attack other’s opinions or state their own without any effort to understand what someone else is trying to say. By meaningful, I mean dialogue that actually leads to some kind of coming together to take action.

Right now, there’s plenty of people who share the same opinion teaming up to spread that opinion to others who share a similar mindset. There are plenty of groups binding together to continue spreading whatever they believe to be true, and that’s great. Unity is a good thing, but I’d argue that conformity isn’t.

When you conform, you’re not allowing any room for individual thought. You’re going along with the wave of whatever popular opinion that group shares without making room for any opposing criticisms. And in an instance where there is criticism against the group thought, well, you get Twitter.

What I mean is that you get a bunch of people posting incendiary comments to back up their own beliefs. The back and forth begins and before you know it there’s a trending topic filled with angry, pointless, commentary that serves absolutely no purpose.

Offline Is Where it’s At

On my most recent trip to New York, I was fortunate enough to meet Writer and Author Mary HK Choi. She was holding what I guess you could call a book launch in Williamsburg, but her book was the last thing I remembered about that evening.

Instead of a typical book launch where I expected Choi to read passages from her book, we were all seated in rows of chairs with Choi and two other writers sitting up front. For the next three hours, Choi lead conversations about some of the most controversial topics in culture today, and did it in raw fashion.

Cultural appropriation was, “Why are people so comfortable stealing Asian culture.” Interracial dating was, “I didn’t realize I was a thing till I started f*cking white men.” Yeah, I’m talking raw.

But it was beautiful. No one pulled out their phones to record. No one gasped and stormed out of the room ready to post how offended they were that anyone could speak like that. Everyone felt safe to speak their mind, everyone was engaged, and nearly everyone stayed for the entire three hours. How’s that for attention span.

That’s just one small example. Very small. But I believe it’s a good one. It was public, meaning not everyone there knew each other. It was informative, people had different viewpoints, no one crucified someone for their beliefs, and the defamation that occurs on social media wasn’t even an issue.

That sounds like everything the internet promised to be, right? Just on a much more connective scale with endless boundaries. But that’s not what’s happening online. People aren’t having the open discussions they’re supposed to be having and we aren’t growing any closer together. In fact, I’d say we’ve become more divided if you base it on comments alone.

Offline offers an opportunity for much more progressive discourse. And to achieve the same level of honesty online, people are turning to closed groups. I get why that makes sense, but it’s sad that it takes shutting off the very thing that the internet was meant to be to achieve what we thought was meant to happen.

So now here we are with the most powerful communication tool ever invented and we’ve limited our communication. And in what has to be the most cosmic mix of karma and irony, more and more people are turning offline to exercise that power.

C.R.Y.

Offline Is Where The Real Progress Is Happening was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Surviving Suicide — A Story of Hope

Charlotte Underwood shares the story of her father’s suicide and her own struggles with severe depression.

Image provided by: Charlotte Underwood.

“I am so excited to start and I am confident that I am going to be able to live a life where I am no longer shackled by my illness. There is no cure, that’s true, but between helping myself and the help from mental health, I know I will manage it.”

Those are the hopeful words of Charlotte Underwood, a 22 year old mental health advocate making her home in the UK. Those words stand out because listening to Charlotte’s story, hopeful is the last emotion you’d expect from someone who has been stifled with severe mental health issues for nearly her entire life.

Sex and substances are what Charlotte abused to quiet the feelings of loneliness that clouded her life. She would go to sleep crying and walk out of the house in the middle of the night. In her own words, Charlotte “lost what it felt to be myself.” Charlotte was just 14 when the symptoms started showing itself more loudly, but she knows it’s something that has always been with her.

Years past and Charlotte continued to struggle with depression. Then at 18, her life was completely turned upside down when she learned that her father committed suicide.

“I still remember my mother coming into my room in a panic and telling me he was gone. It was as if the world zoned out and all my feelings went. It was a lot to process and I couldn’t understand it at all.”

I have to pause when I read this. To think about myself at 18, what my life was like and the things I had to deal with. Everyone has their own burden, but to lose a parent so suddenly, so unexpectedly and in a manner that can be so confusing, I can’t imagine how I would possibly deal with it.

Charlotte struggled with losing her father. Her depression worsened and drove her into a darker place. Not having her father became unbearable, and so Charlotte tried to take her own life.

“I just felt like the universe wanted me dead. I felt like my life was so unfair and in honesty, it was. I’ve been through so much at such a young age and for a long time, I had no support and certainly no way to let out my emotions. I just wanted the pain to end and in truth, I wanted to see my dad again. To hug him and not live a life without him in it.”

Hope

Charlotte’s story could’ve been tragic. Her story could’ve ended like far too many young girls and boys who turn to suicide as a logical solution to their feelings being numbed. But there is a reason this piece started with hope and excitement. There is a reason Charlotte is still here today and she recognizes and accepts that she has a purpose.

“I have found that a mixture of learning self respect and saying no, following my own path, dreams and goals, bouncing on my trampoline in my living room (you can’t help but smile when bouncing), and writing daily, has helped me miles in my recovery.”

A recovery that Charlotte admits is a rollercoaster. One that she gets on everyday knowing it will be a battle. But Charlotte has found a new passion for life and that passion is expressed through her writing. Between her personal blog and her sharing on Twitter, Charlotte has been able to transfer those feelings of pain to paper, and transform her life and the life of others in the process.

“My only goal now, my passion and dream, is to carve a world where stigma is gone, where there is more support and treatment options from mental health and where suicide no longer becomes such an ever growing cause of death. I have purpose and this dream and it gives me every desire to fight for this till I’m 100.”

Charlotte knows how close she came to losing it all. She admits to living life recklessly after her father passed and not caring about anyone around her. But she eventually realized that she wanted to live. That she is alive for a real reason and much of that is tied to the person her father was before he passed.

“My father, ironically, spent most of his life saving lives and preventing suicide. He was not an advocate in his eyes and yet so many families still have their loved ones alive today because of my dad. I would like to think that my purpose was to carry on his work. To continue on his empathy and understanding of people.”

I get the feeling that at times, even Charlotte is happily surprised at her progress. She has found a husband who loves her and they share a home together with their dog, all things Charlotte never thought she would possess. And the future you ask? Well, Charlotte has a pretty good grasp of what comes next.

“Success for me is taking back ownership of my mental health and my life. It’s making something of my time on this earth that I can be proud of, so I know I didn’t waste this chance to make a change in the world, even if it’s small.”

Charlotte, there is absolutely nothing small about your achievements already.

C.R.Y.

Surviving Suicide — A Story of Hope was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Success Is a Process — Nsuani Baffoe Says Trust It

Fitness professional Nsuani Baffoe talks about trusting your process.

“You want to start with the paper route?” Nsuani is laughing as we sit in the living room of his east end home. He’s already offered me a glass of water with a slice of lemon floating on the surface. I haven’t even started recording yet and he’s already deep into conversation. His clubs are doing well; exceeding expectations, actually. But for the man who is in charge of no fewer than seven Goodlife Fitness locations in the downtown core of Toronto, which is the third most lucrative group of gyms in the country, exceeding expectations may as well be written into his contract.

As you can imagine, however, this wasn’t always the case. Nsuani had to learn how to be a leader. Taking it back a step further, he had to get to a place of awareness to even recognize that his own growth depended on his ability to lead. That particular piece of advice came from an unexpected source.

This is 2010 and Nsuani is working as a trainer for Goodlife. Back then, he would always complain about the work ethic of his colleagues. Things he saw as basic principles — arriving to work on time, being prepared — were not being executed consistently by those around him and he often found himself venting.

Then one of his clients asked him a simple question that altered Nsuani’s perspective.

“He asked me ‘how are you going to make the kind of money I know you want to make if you don’t learn how to manage your staff?’ He challenged me to think about how far I can stretch myself on my own compared to what I could do if I had people working for me.”

The most important question Nsuani admits came out of that interaction was why isn’t he trying to make those people around him better. That one nugget of wisdom pushed Nsuani to start thinking about the possibilities.

Why aren’t you trying to make those people around you better.

“I had to get myself in check and my ego in check. I had to figure out who I am. Not who I wanted to be, not who I thought who I was, but who I really am.”

And to know who he was, Nsuani only need look at his history. Years prior, Nsuani had suffered an injury that ended his football career. He was playing for a Division II University in Pennsylvania when an injury occurred that left him unable to walk.

It was a low point in his life, but his school honoured Nsuani’s scholarship for the next year so he could rehab, even though they knew he’d never play again. It’s during that year that Nsuani learned about process, and the foundational elements of what would drive his current success.

“There are things you pay attention to. The little steps of the process. Like before I would never stretch, but I couldn’t stand or walk so guess what, now I had to stretch everyday. I literally heard the scar tissue breaking and I was in a lot of pain. It was humbling. It made me realize that this is what it would be like if you didn’t have a strong body.”

After sticking to the daily rehab regiment and making a full recovery, Nsuani turned his sights on the future. He thought about how he could apply what he learned during those 12 months. That’s what eventually lead to him beginning his career as a trainer.

Before long, he was hooked to the hustle. He started breaking down the game day by day and step by step just like he did during his injury. His client base started growing and with it came a new confidence. He was good at this. He could grow at this. All he needed to do was to keep following the process.

“Success always leaves a path. These ten guys are doing this, these ten guys aren’t doing this.” Nsuani’s path was to pay attention to the ten that were living the kind of life and making the kind of income he wanted for himself.

By 2010, his ambition lead to him being named Manager at 137 Yonge street. It wasn’t a great club at that point, but Nsuani set a five year goal to become the best club in the country. He said the motivation was simple: “Earn the most, learn the most, and be the most fit.” They didn’t just say that, they lived it. That quote was written on the walls of the club and followed judiciously by every trainer Nsuani hired or worked with.

Nsuani would gauge his vision through the statistical markers of the other clubs he wanted to surpass. He knew that upon first starting out, he had to build the right team. He wanted to ease the barrier of entry so he initially focused on hiring trainers who wanted to work but weren’t good at sales, which is actually a huge part of the job. It was risky, but it took them from point A to point B more efficiently partly because word of mouth started spreading about what he was doing.

“That worked for a while but I was thinking four to five years down the line, so next move was to find trainers who were more mature and who were a bit better at retaining clients. Then after that, I found people who weren’t afraid of aggressive goals. Who wanted to sell. By 2014 we had the best club in the country and probably one of the best in North America.”

Believe Before You See

Nsuani says the hardest part of this process has been being able to see and understand something clearly, but know that thing has no actual proof. Essentially, the challenge of having to prove something that hasn’t yet been done.

“Being able to see something and being comfortable with your team not seeing it,” he says. “Then giving them something that they can see. I’m going here because this is where we need to go. If you don’t see it, here are all the steps you need to get there and here’s step one.”

Trying to communicate that message clearly has been a struggle and something Nsuani continues to work to get better at, but he feels he is in a positive place. When I ask him if it’s his earnings that makes him feel more comfortable and successful, he’s quick to correct me.

“Money isn’t designed to make you feel at ease. That has to come from knowing who you are. I know someone who makes a million clean a year and is more stressed out than me. I don’t have that drive to always make more. I have the drive to align myself with the things I like, understanding that money will be the byproduct.”

There’s something in the way that Nsuani speaks that makes you believe every word he says. So when I finish off the interview by asking him what’s next, there’s no hesitation.

“For me it has to be national and damn near global. I don’t want to work with people who are waiting to react. I need to be the catalyst. So it’s something like how would insurance companies work with fitness. I [also] want to work with Canfitpro, which is our licensing board. We can offer more opportunities to engage with Canadians who don’t look like bodybuilders.”

Trust the process. Nothing more to say.

C.R.Y

Success Is a Process — Nsuani Baffoe Says Trust It was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Mental Health and The Mystic Effect

Stacy-Ann Buchanan talks sinking into depression, to living life divine.

There’s a mysticism in this world that is elusive for most of us. This energy that exists, that is constantly present all around us, acts as a force that only few are able to harness. For actress, producer, filmmaker, entrepreneur, and boisterous mental health advocate Stacy-Ann Buchanan, that energy is the source of her success.

Ever since she was 12 years old growing up in Jamaica, she felt that energy. There was no doubt in her mind that what we call God exists, and she had began to craft a relationship with this being early on in her lifetime.

“We’re all a part of this big universe. You’re more than just a physical being. Once we realize that, we won’t get so caught up in this illusion that we’re living in.”

For a while, Stacy-Ann was under the illusion that acting was her only calling. She chased this dream across the entire country, moving from Toronto to Vancouver in hopes of becoming the famous actress she felt destined to be.

But something else was waiting for Buchanan as she tested the waters in B.C. And though she landed a few parts here and there, including a role on the Twilight sauga, her vision of fame wasn’t manifesting itself in the way that she had hoped.

And now the pressure she put on herself to succeed, mixed with the let down of what she saw as failure, lead Stacy to anxiety and panic attacks that put her in the hospital. Very quickly, that anxiety descended into depression. Now here is Stacy, in a new world, away from her family, and spiralling out of control more quickly than she could comprehend.

“My depression came in two stages. First, the typical stay at home, close the blinds, don’t talk to anybody, don’t eat for days, don’t shower, all of that. The next part was make sure you get expensive hair done, expensive nails; I had to be head to toe name brand out. I tried to mask my inner pain with outer happiness. I was going out, dancing. Trying to mask this inner war every single day.”

Stacy had to move back home to get well. She needed to be around her family and the people she loved and so Vancouver became her past. But despite her physically leaving the city that she admits almost took her life, Stacy-Ann held on to those emotions and transformed it into something masterful.

The Mystic Effect

“The Mystic Effect was produced out of pain,” Stacy-Ann says. “I was turning 30 years old and I didn’t have the things a 30 year old should have. I was pressuring myself to live up to society’s standard. So after I got the help I needed, I decided I was going to create a show that showcases all the elements of art. Vancouver was the city that almost took my life. It was also the city that saved me, so I named it after Vancouver.”

The success of the inaugural Mystic Effect multidisciplinary showcase pushed Buchanan to start her own production company. Stacy-Ann Productions was developed to be the banner under which Buchanan could go on to do more shows and plays and whatever else her creativity desired.

This was in 2012–2013, and now there’ a buzz in the air about exactly who was Stacy-Ann Buchanan. Stacy wanted to capitalize on this moment and thought writing a book would be the answer. But that would put the focus squarely on Stacy-Ann and her journey and that’s not what she wanted. Buchanan felt that her struggle with depression was only part of a larger story that hadn’t been told. That was the story of mental health specifically within the black community, and the best way to tell that story would be through film.

Stacy-Ann hit the floor and started doing the research. She ignored the fact that she’d never produced a documentary in her life. She ignored the director that refused to be part of her film because he thought focusing strictly on black people was a mistake and that black people don’t support each other anyways, so no one would come out to see it.

On a cold, snowy day in early February of 2015, after a year of putting the film together, over 400 people came out to watch Blind Stigma, what HuffPost called the first documentary in Canada to focus squarely on mental health within the black community. Stacy-Ann Buchanan made history.

True to her nature, Stacy-Ann thanks the people she’s surrounded herself with for her success. She says that it’s not all about finding accomplished individuals to work with. Instead, Buchanan chooses to work with who she calls the hidden gems.

“The underdogs are the best people. They’re the secret gems. Those people are so smart, so underrated, because they’re the ones that are studying the big dogs, they’re studying your mistakes.”

The next six months will be quiet for Stacy-Ann. She’s staying low-key and focusing on keeping herself healthy. She’s always out advocating for mental health through the school system or other groups, and plans to rekindle the Mystic Effect for 2020.

“I saw a quote that said the best years of your life haven’t even happened yet. I’m like what are you talking about, I’ve had some amazing years. [But] I love this quote because it’s about having that hope that no one can take from you. Just relax. In 20 years, I’ll say “you did that.”

C.R.Y

Mental Health and The Mystic Effect was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.