Kern Carter's Blog, page 178

I’m Not Depressed, And That’s OK

Depression is not a choice.

It was the second time it happened. The first time I was at the doctor’s office when I got the call. I knew right away something wasn’t right. My friend was on the other end of the call but if I didn’t see his name on the phone, I wouldn’t have recognized it was him.

Nothing he was saying made sense. He wasn’t mumbling, it’s just that the words he was trying to put together, don’t go together. I got scared. I stepped outside and asked him over and over again where he was and what was the matter.

After five minutes of incoherent conversation, he ended the call.

It took me hours to get in touch with one of our mutual friends, and learned that he had already checked himself into a mental health facility. My heart sunk. My stomach knotted. For the next month, I replayed every single one of our interactions over the past year trying to figure out how I could be so blind to what were obvious signs.

Less than a year later, it happened again.

A different friend this time. I was at home writing when I got this call. He was crying. He said he couldn’t take it anymore; that it was all too much. He lost his job, lost his apartment, lost many of his so-called friends, and it was all too much.

I screamed at him. Told him he had plenty to live for. Told him the friends who really loved him were all still here, still supporting him. I’m not sure if he listened but he’s still here with us today, even though he’s still struggling to get well.

I wanted to be depressed after that. I’m not sure how that sounds, but it’s how I felt. I blamed myself for not seeing what upon reflection was so obvious. That two of my closest friends, one of whom I’d known since childhood, were desperately calling out for help and both deeply struggling with their addiction and mental health.

I hated myself for a while after that. I felt weak, stupid, naive, cowardly; all of the above. I thought to myself, how can someone so intelligent not recognize what was happening? How can someone who claims to be so in touch with culture and in tune with their friends not recognize mental illness?

I wanted to be depressed, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t because being depressed isn’t as simple as making a choice. People who are depressed aren’t choosing to be that way. It’s something they battle with, try to hide, run away from, avoid, do anything so they don’t have to deal with those lack of feelings.

So when I say it’s OK that I’m not depressed, I say that with that with a sense of respect and empathy for those who are. Those who are fighting any variation of mental illness are enduring a battle I could never even imagine.

And I’m living on the other side of it. I’m the one who is there to answer those calls. I’m here to be that ear, that shoulder, that friend who is dependable enough to do nothing more than be there without judgement.

Since then, I’ve sat across from many people I know as they express to me some of the unimaginable things they’ve gone through. I know enough that I can’t change much, but I can be present, and by being present, they know that I care, and that means a lot.

I must admit that in many instances, I still feel powerless. I wish I could do more, still think that I should’ve done more, but am starting to accept that I just can’t…

CRY

I’m Not Depressed, And That’s OK was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Essence of an Entrepreneur — Dameion Royes

Dameion Royes transcends entrepreneurship.

Image by: Dameion Royes

“How do I change my destiny? How do I get my brain to convince my feet to move in another direction?”

These are the thoughts that would run through the mind of Dameion Royes as he sat in his car driving to the barbershop. He’d already grown tired of cutting hair by then, and knew instinctively that there was something else for him to do, something that would free all of the creative energy burning inside of him.

He was attending Humber College as he searched to quiet his mind, and would bounce ideas off the friends he knew who were already in business.

“Sometimes you don’t have the answer and have to search outside your community for it,” Royes admits. And this search lead him to discover an opportunity right within the boundaries of the institution he was attending.

But this curiosity wasn’t new. As a child growing up in Rexdale, Dameion’s mother always told him that he asked too many questions. On the flip side, the older heads from his community would encourage this curiosity. They recognized that by asking those questions, Royes was forming his own thoughts and opinions. And having the knowledge to formulate your own thoughts made it difficult to be curbed by the peer pressure that would sway so many of those around him.

This is what separated Dameion from his peers growing up. And when he petitioned Humber College to allow him and his business partner to sell products inside the campus bookstore, Dameion could feel that something special was happening.

“First the bookstore said no at least four or five times,” says Royes. “I was discouraged, but one of the professors helped us petition the college. He told them that school should do more than just provide us with an education to ensure our success.”

That was the push that got Dameion through the door and he’s never looked back since. It was “unprecedented” to have an individual still attending the school selling products in the bookstore, but that was just the beginning.

Big It Up was born on Humber’s Campus, and soon would spread to multiple locations inside the Eaton’s Centre, in Square One, and in the downtown core on Queen Street West. Dameion still remembers those early days, spraying cologne his team created on bookmarks to hand to customers as they left the store with bags filled with t-shirts, hats, and all the other products Big It Up sold out of that bookstore.

“Charisma,” he said to me. “You have to have charisma. Marketers say ‘on pain of death’ right? You create something, you have to sell it.”

Brimz

That confidence is what allowed Dameion to make his next bold move, which was split with the company he had helped build. For all of the success Big It Up was experiencing, the same curiosity that lead Dameion to find his destiny, the same drive that pushed him to make history at Humber College, was now steering him in another direction, separate from his partners.

Royes said the separation with his Big It Up partners was clean, and he was left with the Queen street location, which Dameion describes as a “dumping ground” where they sold everything at a discount.

“We did a lot, but then there are things that happen in life and you start wanting some more personal growth and that was at odds with my partners. So it was a hard break, but we did it. I got rid of the discount store and created a vibe. Created a spirit. [I wanted people] to be connected to that essence.”

That’s when Brimz was created; a deviation from his former brand. And this time around he’s made it appear seamless. There’s a finesse in which he moves around the store that transports you to the audience of a broadway play. Each of his interactions is an authentic performance, with every one of his customers a part of his grand production.

When I ask Dameion what is responsible for the success of his business, and how he’s managed to now lead two profitable companies, his answer is equally unexpected as it is intrinsically him.

“Creativity, imagination, and belief. These are the three things needed to run a business. I believe creativity is a currency. Even Bob Marley said ‘we are in the creative culture.’”

Royes then goes on to tell stories to back this claim, his first order at Brimz being with Athletes World. He smiles as he recounts working with a Greek taylor who couldn’t understand why they wanted to make their hats out of Terry cloth.

“He’s like what is this? Who’s going to buy anything that looks like this?”

In the end, production was so large that the taylor couldn’t keep up with the order, and Dameion is quick to give the credit to his team for allowing themselves to be pushed to try new things.

“If you believe in it, you find a way to get it done.”

As Dameion looks to the future, the opportunities are endless. A pop-up shop at Union Station from June 9th to August 31st, before a permanent location is established on those grounds in 2019. Brimz is also looking to expand to Miami by December, along with a plan to have Brimz caps in vending machines across the Emirates and in Canada.

Royes takes his understanding of people and of this world one step further.

“Why believe,” he says. “Just know. Belief is the onramp to knowing. Knowing is what transcends belief into reality.”

Indeed…

C.R.Y

Essence of an Entrepreneur — Dameion Royes was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

The End(s) of Teaching

I shared this reflection on Facebook about an hour after I turned in my grades for the spring semester, and a few people suggested I share it more broadly. Thanks for the nudge.

Introduction to Writing Studies, April 2017. Photo by Justin Eiler.

— — — — — — -

After twenty years of turning in grades, first by hand and carbon paper, now electronically without even a request for hard copy, I can announce with mixed emotions that I just turned in the last set of grades I will ever turn in at North Dakota State University (NDSU). Maybe anywhere. And if that isn’t cause for reflection, I don’t know what is.

Teaching has been hard for me. I’m an introvert, so every new group of students scared the crap out of me. As a young teacher, I knew I wasn’t supposed to be my students’ friend but I didn’t know how to be their dad, boss, or task master, either. The first time I really came down hard on a young man for not doing his work, he started crying and told me he had just been diagnosed with cancer. I decided to just love my students and trust that they were doing the best they could under the circumstances, even if that wasn’t very good. I learned to create a student-centered experience in most of my classes, which kept me off the stage and kept their work in the center. That often meant students didn’t really get what was up until week 12, then the light bulb would go off. Three-quarters resistance, one quarter joy: it took me a long time to learn to trust my own process.

I really sucked for a while. I was teaching first year composition and upper division writing almost exclusively to non majors whom I struggled to connect with. My sardonic humor was lost on them — I didn’t even think I was funny, and then I just stopped trying to humor anyone. I wanted them to write and think and care, but I just couldn’t quite get them there. Sure, there were some bright spots, but those were dark years and I didn’t have the guts to ask for help. I’ve probably been observed 4 times in 20 years at NDSU and that was a huge mistake on my part. Do what I say, future (and current) teachers, not what I do: be a community, be there for each other, acknowledge that teaching is hard, and celebrate the successes.

I figured some of this out the last 5 years. I started reading Parker Palmer, The Courage to Teach, every fall. I started teaching from some sort of secular combination of heart / soul / mind that made a lot more sense to me and my students. I started leading with William Stafford and the importance of holding on to a meaningful thread in your life. I did less critique and more invention, audaciously challenging my students to change the world because I had figured out that in some small ways I was doing that, so why not them? I asked them to call for their avatar to descend, to be some better version of themselves, on and offline, and they took up the challenge. Thank you, students.

I’m stepping away from teaching in the classroom but looking forward to working with students at Lakehead University, one-on-one, figuring out what experiences will pull together the threads of their life and learning. I may have figured out that my calling is to create opportunities for others to thrive, and in doing that, I thrive too, what Donna Haraway calls “becoming with.” I admire those who can figure their lives out in shorter increments than 20 years, but I am thankful that NDSU and all the great teacher-students I have shared this space with since the fall of 1997 have given me the room to fail-not-fail, to explore and grow, to launch me into my second half.

Working with 4th and 5th graders in the Sugar OS was joyful! Photo by Dan Koeck.

The End(s) of Teaching was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Some Help for Fiction Writers

Because we need to know it’s possible to make a living.

Image by Sergey.

I say this without a bitter bone in my body, but I say it emphatically, nonetheless. After 10 years of writing publicly, I haven’t found any clear route for fiction writers to market themselves and build their brand.

With a statement like that, I think it’s easier to look at the opposite side of things. If I wrote non-fiction books, there are endless amounts of information, resources, courses, and people who could guide me through becoming a best selling author. While the method slightly differ, all non-fiction strategies go a little something like this:

Determine what you’d like to write about ie. “What it’s like to travel with pets.”Choose a blog platform and begin writing about travelling with pets.Giveaway free material that shows how expert you are about travelling with pets.In exchange for this free material, collect emails so you can build your mailing list.Once you complete your opus about travelling with pets, lean on this email list to sell your book.Now that you’re an influencer, you can charge to do workshops on how you’ve made it all happen.

Now I’m obviously generalizing here, but these are the basic steps involved in building your brand as a non-fiction writer and selling thousands of books, then leveraging your brand to conduct workshops and other income streams to make a living.

Problem is, it’s not that straightforward for fiction writers. We, as should be our nature, need to think and operate much more creatively if we hope to be successful. We aren’t writing about anything as tangible as travelling with pets. Our subject matter is far more nuanced and even dynamic, so this strategy doesn’t fit as neatly into our vision as it does for writers of non-fiction.

HOW DO FICTION WRITERS GET ATTENTION?

So what do we do? Well, stop complaining, first of all. We should’ve long accepted the reality that it takes us stepping out of our four walls and consistently inserting ourselves into public forums if we hope to achieve an inkling of the success of our non-fiction brethren.

Next, the blueprint for non-fiction writers isn’t too far off from what we fiction writers can do to better market and promote ourselves and our work. We’ll have to do away with some steps and reimagine others, but it’s possible.

For example, determining what we’d like to write about as a fiction writer changes with each book. What we should focus on, however, is finding a theme within the current book we are writing and use that as our launching pad.

My first novella, THOUGHTS OF A FRACTURED SOUL, had many themes. When first marketing the title, I decided to focus on the Millennial struggle of being overly ambitious and us wanting to disrupt every single system currently in place.

THEME

OK, so once I had my theme, I decided that LinkedIn would be the ideal platform to have those discussions. I started writing blogs with titles like “The Power of the Millennial Consumer,” “Working While Dreaming,” and “Why 9–5 Won’t Work for Millennials.” The latter piece ended up really striking a cord and getting tens of thousands of views (currently has 169,000 clicks).

That much attention got some people curious and I landed interviews on some decent sized platforms. Guess what I spoke about in these interviews? Not my article, but my novella. One platform even allowed me to run a campaign through their site which related directly to my novella. It’s a roundabout approach, but I must say it worked. I was able to sell thousands of copies of my novel, and this was the catapult.

PEOPLE NEED TO READ IT TO APPRECIATE IT

But it wasn’t the only thing I did. While giving away free material felt like treason, I saw how it could be effective. I did the Goodreads Giveaway campaign which lead to ten more people reading my book. That may not sound like a lot, but what became more important was that the majority of those readers left a positive review on Goodreads. This lead to other readers giving my story a chance.

I then pivoted and chose a different theme (single father struggles) and started blogging exclusively about that journey. I chose Medium for my platform and then went through the same process but this time I was more intentional about seeking out the platforms that fit my theme. I also went to high schools and spoke about the themes in THOUGHTS OF A FRACTURED SOUL. Instead of charging a fee to speak, I made it mandatory to purchase a specific amount of my novella. This lead to some schools even adopting my book for their curriculum.

I repeated much of what I did for my second book BEAUTY SCARS, along with finding new and inventive ways to articulate the themes in those different forms, all with the intention of getting attention back to the novel.

For example, beauty was a major theme of the novel, so I started a #LoveYourBeautyScars campaign. This was a collection of stories of people who had traumatic experiences either growing up or in their adulthood, but still managed to keep things together and excel in their personal and professional lives. I ran this campaign through my CRY blog right here on Medium before my book even came out.

Thinking of possible connections, I reached out to the Breast Cancer Society of Canada. They loved the idea and after approving the book, they were on board to be part of the campaign, as well.

The last thing I did was run an ad campaign. I put up a billboard in the downtown part of the city and paired that with subway ads. All of the ads included the breast cancer logo and it made a huge splash once the billboard actually went up.

All of this may sound like a lot of work, but it’s the effort necessary to remind people that I have a book out. The key is that you continually use the themes of your book as launching points to engage readers, to connect with other influencers and platforms, and to leverage opportunities to sell your book, or at least speak about it. And you must do this continuously. People need to constantly be reminded of who you are. You’re in a battle for attention and if you don’t keep up, you’ll be forgotten or not even heard from in the first place.

The one thing I’m not too sure about for fiction writers is our mailing list. Although I have ran small campaigns to build my own list, I haven’t seen (or been able to discover) a way to turn people on that mailing list into purchasers of my book. At least that’s what my analytics is telling me. If someone is willing to fill in this blank for me, I’m willing to listen.

Fiction books and fiction writers are a different beast. Creativity is our ally, not convenience. We don’t have the luxury of selling books that solve any concrete or material problems. We’re story tellers whose best selling point is our ability to communicate our imagination. How we find transferable uses for our imagination is what will set us apart.

C.R.Y

Some Help for Fiction Writers was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

How to Make a Living as a Writer — Everything I Know

This is everything I know about making money writing.

Image by Playground.

First thing’s first; what kind of writing are you trying to get into? Are you trying to get into content writing, copywriting for agencies, blogging? Do you want to be a novelist? Are you looking strictly for creative projects? Have you thought about ghost writing? I do a combination of nearly all of these things. Today, I believe if a writer wants to earn a living as a writer, they should be versatile.

I will say, though, that my ultimate goal is to one day be a full-time novelist. But that on it’s own, at the moment, doesn’t pay the bills. Not just yet. But I’ve been able to carve out a now six-figure career doing multiple writing projects, most of which I enjoy. And this article is geared towards writers, not novelists or authors, but those who are willing to take on all that comes with the title of writer.

Let’s start from the beginning:

Energy Not Getting Distracted  — Almost every move should be towards your goal. Even when I was working odd jobs, I knew what my real career was going to be. Commitment  — You can’t get to a profitable level if you aren’t committed. Carve out time in your schedule for writing. Payment at the beginning comes in the form of promotion  — Take every opportunity you can to post your writing to different platforms. If someone offers you a guest blog opportunity, take it (unless it’s a site that’s totally against your beliefs).Portfolio Don’t be afraid to try stuff  — I wrote for Hip Hop Canada, an amateur basketball site, wrote biographies for musicians, RFPs, About and Product pages for startups; yeah, a bunch of stuff. A writer’s best friend is their experiences. That includes life experiences and your experiences in writing different content. Connections matter  — not only is building your experiences important, so is building connections. You may not be able to see the connections immediately, but they often present themselves down the line. For instance, one of the early music publications I wrote for later did a full interview in support of my first book. Store and revisit your portfolio from time to time —  Even today, people still ask me for samples and I just dig through my catalogue and send them a file. Eventually, you won’t have to write anything new when someone asks for a specific sample.Study the craftKnow the language, understand sentence structures, get comfortable with grammar. It’s crazy to me how many writers I meet that skip this step. Writing is a skill that involves many technical aspects. You can’t break the rules unless you know all of them inside out.There are tons of resources online for writers. Also, think about taking an editing course or reading a book on editing. You don’t have to go too deep, but it will give you a better grasp of proper sentence structure and general grasp of the language. I still take editing and writing classes to this day.Put Yourself Out There

I can’t tell you how much money I’ve made early on because people have found my resume or portfolio through online platforms. If you aren’t accessible and visible, then how do you expect to be seen? If you’ve done any writing at all, post your resume/portfolio to these sites:

IndeedLinkedInMonsterKijijiCraigslistFreshgigsGlassdoor

These are literally just the BASIC sites. In addition to adding your name to these sites, you need to know where to look for opportunities. There are so many popular sites that allow you to pitch to them directly, along with sites built specifically for helping creatives find jobs or projects. Sign up for Media Bistro and pay like $50 for the year. They give you info on how to pitch to some of the best online platforms in the world. Last year, I was featured in Essence Magazine next to Kevin Hart and Steph Curry. That’s because of following the instructions from Media Bistro on how to pitch and who to pitch to.

Blogging: Let’s Get Going

Why blogging matters — It’s your opportunity to put out your own authentic voice. Do not take blogging for granted. It’s one way people connect to your brand. And you may not directly earn income off of your blogging, but there are ways to leverage your posts and turn those into opportunities.

How does that happen:

Find your angle

Be Specific  — What are you writing about? Are you giving tips? Are you a lifestyle writer? Are you simply writing about your own life? It’s tough for most writers to focus in on one general topic, but in order for you to gain an audience, they must understand what kind of content to consistently expect. There are loopholes  — There are always ways around every rule. If you think it’s difficult to write about one topic, then utilize multiple platforms. For instance, I use my personal blog to write about whatever the hell I want to write about. I use LinkedIn to write about content related to writing, but from the perspective of how it can be leveraged or monetized. I use Medium for parenting or creativity. I use Huffington Post (before they discontinued their contributors program) to write about education and social issues. Consistency  — No matter what you blog about, you MUST be consistent. If you are super disciplined, you can pick specific days of the week to release your content. If you know you’re not that reliable, then I would encourage new bloggers to write at least two posts/week. But even if you write one post per week, make sure it’s every week. Consistency builds familiarity with your audience and it also helps improve your searchability. Start Reaching Out - Once you’ve feel like you’ve started to define your niche and you’re being consistent, start reaching out. Now this is where it depends on what kind of opportunities you are looking for. If you want to write for the NY Times, then submit. If you want to ghostwrite, then let people know you are entertaining those opportunities. People will judge the quality of your work, and then make a decision on if you are qualified. If you want to be a novelist, then you should be submitting to literary agents. For non-fiction, you only need to have a proposal developed. For fiction, your entire manuscript should be all but complete, even though most agents only ask for 25–50 pages.Building a Fan Base Fans are built one by one  — I hope you’re really taking in that sentence. One by one. And I mean that literally. You have to really pay attention to everyone who likes, comments, and shares your posts. Each of them will be the foundation of your fan base. Identify Your Fans  — Once you start putting out work, particularly through your blogs, you start finding out what your fans look like. And I don’t just mean age and gender. If you really want to take this seriously, you must get hyper-focused on who’s reading your stuff. Are they women between the ages of 35–50 who are mothers that tend to be liberal and enjoy travelling? Yeah, that kind of focus. Communicate with your fans  — Don’t be afraid to reach out to someone once they’ve engaged. Send them a DM, or invite them to be friend or connect. The closer you can get to your readers, the better. To this day I still keep in touch with my original readers. Even if it’s a rare hello or a personal email, you have to let them know they matter. Remember that having one reader is like having two, because they will share their experiences with at least one friend. Yes, A Mailing List Matters  — I’m not going to lie, even I need to do a much better job at this. The fact is that a mailing list is a way to speak directly to your audience. You’ll have to give something up to get people to join your list (free e-books work well), but once they do, treat those people like gold. I’ve been fighting this for years, and I’ve been able to make really good money without it, but if you want to build your personal brand, there’s really no way around it.How Do I get Paid

I know this is what everyone wants to hear. Well, I’ll break down how I get paid to demonstrate the different opportunities that exist.

Content Writing: I usually land a contract with an organization that’s in need of monthly content. Right now, that organization is RBC. Before, it was a publishing company named Lombardi Publishing. In both cases, I write or wrote content for multiple clients or platforms that these organizations represent. My contract with Lombardi was worth about 40k. My contract with RBC is more than double that. Personal Clients: This number fluctuates month to month as I gain new clients and other contracts expire. What I do for these clients is tell their stories. Most of the time it’s through articles on a website or blog site, but it can also be through a series of posts directly on social media. Ghost Writing : I’m part of an amazing team of writers who ghost write for some pretty amazing clients. We’re sworn to NDA’s, but some of our work is on publications such as Forbes, Time, INC, Elle Magazine, NYT, Global Citizen, and more. These pay in the hundreds of dollars range. I also ghost write novels and have been paid to write two scripts. These pay in the thousands and tens of thousands range! Influencer Campaigns : My most recent Influencer campaign was with CCFC. I wrote several posts over a one year span on Children’s Education from a global perspective. I used Huffington Post as the platform. This was a small monthly contract, but I felt great about the content we put out and helped bring in some money for their cause. Guest Blogging: I’ve been paid on more than one occasion to guest blog. Most of the time, though, I guest blog for free. The opportunity to speak to an audience outside of your own is not one you should pass up. Book Sales: This isn’t lucrative yet, but I make money every quarter from the sales of my first two novels.How Are YOU Going to Get Paid — TRUST and LEVERAGE

TRUST & LEVERAGE — This is how you will get paid. Clients, literary agents, publications, publishers. No matter what your end goal, these people need to trust you can deliver.

When I say leverage, I mean understanding the situation along with your competitive advantage and using that your benefit. So I am a single father raising a teenage daughter. I’m also a (good) writer who blogs about my adventures, struggles, and the joy I go through raising this crazy kid. My advantage is my perspective. It could be that simple.

Now take that advantage and find other communities or platforms or organizations that could use your perspective. They should be able to see the value immediately.

Give Your Plans Time to Work

Take the time to let your plan work. One month is not enough time to make a decision on whether or not to continue. It’s enough time to gauge feedback and iterate, but not to make any presumptions either way.

What’s important is that you monitor your progress. Gauge your progress. You have to be aware of how well you’re progressing. What are your milestones? Setting time limits may be difficult, but there has to be a way you determine if you’re progressing. Be patient, but aggressively patient.

Finally, invest in yourself. Everything I explained above takes time, energy, and some cash. Embrace that. If you’re not taking the time to make sure that you are putting out the best version of yourself, then you won’t be prepared for the opportunities that come your way.

CRY

How to Make a Living as a Writer — Everything I Know was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I Can’t Pretend That I Don’t Care

Because I do…very much.

I just can’t. I can’t say that this doesn’t matter. That every word I write isn’t done with the hope that I touch one more person than I did with my last piece.

I’ve tried. I really have tried to make myself believe that I can be OK if this is it. I’ve tried telling myself that if nothing more happens outside of what I’ve already accomplished, that I can live with that.

But it’s a lie.

A bold lie, at that. Truth is, I care very much. I care about how many people read my articles. I care about my writing getting better. I am proud of the fact that my first novella, Thoughts of a Fractured Soul, was good enough to be added to school curriculums here in Toronto. It means something to me.

But it wasn’t enough. I wished it sold more copies. I wish it was popular enough to take me on a national book tour where every single stop was overflowing with people eager to grab their own copy and hear me speak about what inspired me to write it.

And so I wrote another book. And I challenged myself to tell a story that could touch more people. I pushed my mind to imagine scenarios outside of my observations. “What if,” was the question I constantly asked when I was writing BEAUTY SCARS. What if an accident can make someone beautiful? What if two people could simultaneously dream of each other? What if I told a story from a female point of view?

Then I trusted my gut and followed through with all of those what ifs. The result was a story that I couldn’t be more proud. I know I put everything into BEAUTY SCARS and will push till the world realizes how special that novel truly is.

But the world isn’t there yet. Millions of people haven’t grabbed hold of this story and had it move their world. And I can’t pretend like I don’t care about that. I do. I want more and so I continue to push.

Contradictions

I’m fully aware that my last piece spoke about my fear of just letting things happen. That maybe I’m spending way too much time chasing and not enough time living in the moment of what I’m creating.

But that’s who I am. This is how my mind works. Some days I feel one thing, then, as if someone else has entered my body, or maybe some other part of my consciousness has taken over, I feel completely different. I have no explanation for that. No reasoning I can give you that makes sense.

I’m also not apologizing for it. I call this blog CRY for a reason. It’s an expression of true emotions as they happen. Unfiltered, unedited, raw declarations. That’s what this is about and that’s how I’ll continue to write.

And with raw emotion comes contradiction. I’m accepting that. I’m expressing that. I’m OK with that. I’m also OK knowing that my next piece might come from a place in contention with what I’m writing about today.

What I’m not OK with is the pretending. I’m not cool trying to convince myself how to feel. Logic has it’s place, but so does passion. So does persistence. So does ambition. I’m through feigning any kind of reality in which touching the most people I can with my stories isn’t important.

CRY

I Can’t Pretend That I Don’t Care was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

So Scared to Just Let Things Happen

Is it passion or am I pressing way too hard?

I had this random thought the other day while sitting on my couch zoning out. If I keep chasing, how will I ever lead? My mind pondered this for a while. I thought hard about everything I’m doing, about the goals I set for myself, about my ultimate destiny.

Passion or pursuit? What’s really driving me? Am I so busy chasing all these milestones, all these accomplishments I have written on a board or etched in my mind, that I’m missin the whole point?

I’m so confident in what I do. I talk about approaching my life from the perspective of expectation and how fear isn’t something I ever acknowledge or ever let prevent me from pushing forward. But what I realize now that I fear more than anything is letting go.

Letting go of the need for validation. Releasing myself from the grips of expectation and instead operating from a sense of true empowerment that comes from knowing what I’m doing right now is already powerful.

But then what? Who am I if I’m not chasing my dreams? Wow. I’m living them.

That just happened.

CRY

So Scared to Just Let Things Happen was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Where’s My Joy?

It’s in here somewhere, and I’m bout to find it.

I don’t write anything for myself. I made this realization over the long weekend. Everything I write is for public critique. Every word I put out into the universe is created to inspire and impress readers other than myself. Nothing I write is for my eyes only. I don’t think that’s a good thing.

I love writing. I’ve come so far in my career that every time I sit in front of a laptop I do so knowing that someone else, usually a lot of someone elses, will be reading my thoughts. While consciously, I welcome that kind of pressure and get energized just thinking about the possibility of thousands and one day millions of people reading something that once lived in my mind, I’m not sure how healthy that is.

So I asked myself this weekend — where is MY joy? What do I get to keep to myself free from any judgement? That question forced me to face the very real possibility that all the writing I’ve been doing recently hasn’t come from a place of passion and enjoyment. While I don’t think this is true, I want to reclaim that feeling of unfiltered expression, of unedited thoughts, and unrefined words. And I want to love it.

Expression Over Everything

Even for someone like me who believes to my core that all art is meant to be consumed because it’s that important to the pulse of the world and the people in it, I’m now exploring the theory that there’s some parts of your art that need to be for the self and the self only.

I could honestly be wrong. Won’t be the first time. I could discover that I have no prolonged interest in following this path. But something in me is unsettled and I need to pinpoint the origin. I think this is it.

So I started journaling. First thing I now do in the morning is open up this small notebook and aimlessly write my thoughts. I write as sporadically as the thoughts enter my mind. At least I try to. After years of conditioning myself to be cautious of every single word that gets released onto the page, letting go of those restraints takes a bit more effort than I imagined. Getting over this mental bridge alone might be a milestone that will change the way I approach my public writing, maybe change the way I approach my life.

I’m Still Me

OK, so I’m not like giving up my blog, nor am I going to stop writing books or writing scripts. That’s definitely not part of the plan. I’m just saying that I started writing because of the joy I felt every time I opened a book. Reading how Toni Morrison and Khaled Hosseini and Jhumpa Lahiri and Joseph Conrad put words together on a page that transformed themselves into lucid images in my mind, stirred emotions in me like no other form of expression. I wanted to be that for other people.

And while I always dreamt of having millions of people engulfed in my every word, I wasn’t as consumed with metrics back then as I am now. I didn’t check my analytics every day or write SEO friendly content. It was just raw, off the top type of content that felt like a blast of imagination with every syllable.

Joy has come in other ways since then. Starting, completing, and putting out two books, writing for platforms that I grew up reading, having readers express their emotional connection to something I’ve written gives my endorphins a workout.

But I see the limitations of that. My joy is dependent on someone else validating my work. I should say that too much of my joy is wrapped up in the reaction of others validating my work. There needs to be more of a balance. I need to feel good about what I create without anyone else in the world telling me how great or terrible it is. Even more than that, I just need to create without assessing the grammatical or literate value of what I’ve put on the page.

So far there’s been a freedom that I’ve yet to experience till now, distinct from when I first started writing. But I’m still holding back. I’m still not letting of whatever fear I have of being aggressively honest. Because that’s the aim here. I realized that the first day I journaled — I’m aiming for honesty. And being honest requires that I battle any fear protecting itself from truth.

Not sure how it will all turn out, and neither will you :)

CRY

Where’s My Joy? was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Money or Followers? What Matters More?

A writer’s dilemma.

Image by: Krystasia Carter

By the time March is over, I would’ve made more money than I ever have in a single month. In the same breath, I still don’t have over a thousand followers on any single social media platform (Linkedin not included).

What does that mean? On one hand, I’m excited. This is what most people dream of: to do what they love and get paid for it. Very well, in my case. So from that perspective, I’m literally living my dream.

Part of my dream, I should say. Because on the other side of the grass, my dream is to touch the world with my writing. There’s a lot of people in the world, and if you add up everyone who reads my books and articles, I’m really only speaking to a remote town in the distant parts of Northern Ontario.

And I’m so thankful for that. I still have vivid memories of not having any fans at all. I remember blogging and then checking my Google analytics to see 1 reader. 1 damn reader. So the fact that thousands of people are interested in the words that I put together is still incomprehensible to me.

But it’s not enough. I’d be lying to myself if I said that I’m satisfied. Of course I’ll take the money. I’ve worked tirelessly to solidify my reputation as a writer who can deliver content in nearly any form and do so at a high level. I study the craft of writing and anyone who comes to me knows they’re getting the best. I’m proud of that.

I’m also proud of the fact that I am a single father taking care of a teenage girl who gets more expensive every year. She’d laugh if she read that last line, and tell me that she’s not that bad, her obsession with gold accessories not withstanding. Seriously, though, being able to provide for her is one of my greatest achievements. Not just monetarily, but being there emotionally is something that’s been even more important.

That said, I want more. I want to touch more people. Millions more people. I want to grow from touching small towns to cities, cities to countries, countries to entire continents and cultures. I have no idea what kind of work that will take. My logical mind tells me that it’s daunting, but I my heart tells me it’s possible; probable, even.

So where does that leave me? Should I just shut up and be thankful that I can afford to live in an apartment on the cool side of town and provide for myself and my daughter? Should I smile because I’m now considered upper-middle class getting taxed out the ass?

Maybe. But, you guys know me by now. I’m going to keep pushing. Then push some more. And why not? I’ve gotten this far. I’ve made my way from not knowing where my next dollar is coming from to budgeting every dollar I have. I’ve come from no one reading my work to putting out two books and writing for some pretty dope publications. There’s really no reason for me to stop now. Especially when I’m just starting to roll.

How Am I Making Money Without Followers?

Um, I guess I should answer this question before wrapping up this piece. I do plan on writing a more exhaustive explanation, but I’ll give you the short version for now.

Be good — Being great is even better. Average writers make average money. Maybe in the short term you can get away with mediocrity, but it will always catch up to you. Plus, you can charge a premium for premium content.Let people know — I get a lot of clients just from sharing what I do. I post to social media, talk to my friends about my writing, and bring it up in conversation when meeting new people. If people don’t know what you do, they won’t ask for your help.Let other people do the work — OK, that sounds terrible, but let me explain. I’m not a big sales person, but I know other people who are. I’m connected to agencies and writing groups who find work for me. The contract I’m on now was through an agency, and it’s a big one. Know your weaknesses and work around them.

These are just some high level strategies that have nothing to do with how many followers you have. In the social media world, followers is currency. In the real world, it’s a bit more tricky. But that’s another post.

CRY

Money or Followers? What Matters More? was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

California Is Still With Me

LA LA

Some trips are just trips. You go, you have a good time, meet some people, then come home and, after some vacation withdrawal, you get on with your life in the same manner you did before.

Then there’s Los Angeles. For me, going to L.A. wasn’t just one of those trips that end up fading into the distant parts of your memory, only to be remembered when you scroll through your Photos app. Los Angeles was life changing.

I know what you’re thinking; you’ve heard this before. And yeah, you probably have. But my life changing experience wasn’t about any specific opportunity. I didn’t meet with a publisher or agent who gave me a deal. No one bought the script I wrote last year. Nothing like that.

For me, the connection went much deeper than that. The bond I felt my first full day in the city was magical. It’s the same kind of connection I felt when I moved to Queen street here in Toronto. It’s like this comfort, this mood, this unexplainable rush of emotion that fills your heart to let you know that you’re home.

It certainly helped that I ended meeting some amazing people. The picture you see above is me with an inspiring bunch of four and five year old kiddies. I have a friend who lives in LA and his son was going on a field trip through China Town and Little Tokyo. So I told him that I’d tag along.

This was like the moment for me. Their teacher was warm and adventurous and welcomed me as if I’d been there from the very beginning of her starting this school. We hung out on more than one occasion after the field trip.

My friend’s wife was also an amazing host. She pushed me to come out with her and her friends, who were all just as fun and free-spirited as she was. She lived in Los Feliz and I spent a lot of time hanging out in different bars and such in the area.

But I also did a lot of driving. I cruised the Pacific highway (I think that’s what it’s called) through Malibu. I stopped in Calabasas and got drunk in West Hollywood. I met friends for lunch in Santa Monica and acted like a tourist on Rodeo Drive.

Anyways, I’ll refrain from documenting my entire trip. The point is that L.A. spoke to me in a way that I couldn’t ignore. I’m already planning my next stay there. I don’t see it as a trip, it’s more like I’m going back to a place that’s supposed to be home.

CRY

California Is Still With Me was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.