Forgiving Myself for Free Time

I’m not doing anything right now and that’s OK

Image by: C.J Cromwell

I just finished doing something I’ve never done. I completed a full manuscript in two months. That’s over 70,000 words in 60 days. To give you some kind of perspective, my first book took me six years and my second novel took me two. So safe to say I really pushed myself both creatively and when it comes to efficiency in a way I’ve never done before.

Achieving that kind of output took me waking up 5:30 every morning, writing for two hours, then going to my “day job” (where I also write) and working for eight hours before coming back home to write for another two hours. In between all that writing, I find the time to have breakfast and dinner with my daughter and sometimes even sneak in a movie or go out for a bite.

But that’s all over, and now I find myself in the unfamiliar position of having extra time. Yes, I still write full-time for a living, but I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t swamped with contracts or deadlines or something extra that totally ransomed my time.

At first, I felt guilty.

At first, I almost felt guilty. Like I shouldn’t be allowed to have free time. I immediately started thinking of ways to fill it and even went as far as to send out some emails with different project ideas. Then I thought, “Kern…chill!” There’s absolutely nothing wrong with me not having anything to do.

Well first of all, I still have lots to do. But relatively speaking, this is a light schedule for me and I’m not sure how to feel about it. On one hand, my thinking is go, go, go. I’m still young enough to manage chaotic schedules and with all the goals I’ve set for myself, who has time to chill? And what if while I’m chilling someone else is out-working me? That thought alone makes me want to start another book.

But then the other side of me is saying it’s really not that bad. Free time is not the end of the world. There’s no need to go flooding my schedule just to prove to myself that I’m working hard enough. I’m at the point in my career where working smart is probably more important than working hard. And when am I going to get over this notion that hard work needs to be measured purely by an overflow of hours?

The Real Question

I’m from Toronto and TIFF (Film Festival) just ended. I was fortunate enough to see the Quincy documentary on legendary producer Quincy Jones. Talk about being accomplished. He’s been in the game for 70 years and hasn’t taken a break yet. And I mean that seriously. He’s still going at 85 years old.

But all his achievements have been at the expense of his family and his health. I won’t play spoiler for anyone who wants to watch it, but I left that theatre wondering if there’s no way around paying that high of a price for that level of success. Do I have to turn it up even more if I want to be the best? Or is it at all possible to live a somewhat balanced life and still hit all my goals?

In reality, I know something will eventually come along that is too good to pass up. Some project or collaboration or opportunity that’s worth me giving up my time. But until that happens, until that something actually presents itself, I’m not gonna stress over not having enough stress.

C.R.Y.

Forgiving Myself for Free Time was originally published in C.R.Y on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.