James Hauenstein's Blog, page 7

I Believe In Dad Jokes

Yes I do.I believe in Dad Jokes because I have been doing them way before I even had kids.They were called "awful" back then.But now my corny jokes are acceptable among the populace and my family because they fall under that comedic category and worldwide phenomena called,"Dad Jokes!"Let me show you what I mean. An old friend saw me at the library yesterday and asked, "Jim you like to read? Do you have any favorite books?" I said, "Yes. 1984." He replied, "Wow, that's a lot!" Where do zombies go to swim? - The Dead Sea. I went to see my Doctor today and told her, "Doc, I think I'm addicted to Tik Tok!" My Doctor said, "Sorry, I don't follow you."
What do you get when you add a Christmas tree to an iPhone? - A Pine-Apple!
What did the zero say to the number eight? - Nice belt 
 This is,I Have Pages Of This StuffAnd Half Of Them I Made Up MyselfJim Hauenstein And,  That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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Thanks for reading Be kind to everyone I'll be seeing you ***** The day after I wrote the humorous post The Selling Of My Information Meta was fined over$400,000,000for"Targeting Ads." Now that's funny!

The Selling Of My Information

   This Blog was not meant to be a diary, it was meant for me to use as an outlet for my writing and my music. So why am I treating it that way lately? As a diary? Because starting in the early fall of last year I had to replace one-third of my fencing around my house, get a new refrigerator, have a new furnace put in, I'm remodeling the laundry room, and I have just finished updating some of the plumbing in the second bathroom.   This Blog is mine to use the way I see fit. Now as an outlet for; what is on my mind, for my writing, and for my music. And not to be harassed on Social Media because it reads more and more like a diary and that I might be a sad person!   No, it's not because of my carpentry or plumbing skills. I'm being harassed on Social Media because of all the algorithms used by the different services that are detecting that I'm a single individual! I'm not even being harassed by real people!   Since all the Social Media outlets sell your personal information to each other, it is actually funny, but not unexpected, how they jointly coordinated the assault against me.   Okay, let me tell you what's going on. It all started right before this past Thanksgiving. The advertisement I was getting on the different platforms started out innocent enough. It was for an app with the usual, "Find Single Women Living In Your Area" kind of thing. A week or two later it was apps for "Siberian Women, Asian Women, and Scandinavian Women." After a few more weeks the apps were for "Women Over Forty, Over Fifty, and finally Women Over Sixty."   No my friends, it didn't stop there. The next app was for every repulsive pervert's dream, "Young Girls Looking For Older Men."   Yes, I went to the different Privacy Settings on each platform making sure they were not allowed to sell my information to third party advertisers. But, do you really believe that these conglomerates, making billions of dollars a year, care about you and your personal preferences? Even if they are fined by the Federal Government $500,000,000 dollars once every 10 years they still have profited billions upon billions over that same time period!   Remember the Drug Companies and the Opiate Crisis? None of them went out of business for being heavily fined.
   Now comes the kicker. The latest advertisement for an app was for, "Create Your Own AI Friend!" This is,Do I Look That Desperate To You?(Don't answer that.)Jim Hauenstein And “In this era of fake news and paid news, artificial intelligence is more and more used as a political tool to manipulate and dictate common people, through big data, bio-metric data, and AI analysis of online profiles and behaviors in social media and smart phones.”
- Amit Ray - That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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Thanks for reading Be kind to everyone I'll be seeing you And not in a creepy way likeSocial Media

The Best Holiday Out Of The Three Day Holiday Season

Did you know that when someone tells you,"Happy Holidays"they are referring to the three Holidays in a row at the end of the year?What?You say there are only two?Well, you would be wrong my friend.   The first "Holiday" is actually a combination of the different Holidays celebrated by the diversity of human beings living in the World. It's either called Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Soyal, Boxing Day, and so on.   The third "Holiday" is celebrated by almost everyone in the World and that day is called New Year's Eve in English.   But the second "Holiday," the most important "Holiday" out of the three seems to be only remembered by a chosen few these days. Some say they are a cult, but I say they are"The Righteous Ones"who follow a higher calling. What is this most important "Holiday" almost forgotten by time you ask?It's My Birthday!
 This is, Always Ready To Celebrate This Most Important Of DaysJim Hauenstein
And

“You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” - Bob Hope - That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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Thanks for reading Be kind to everyone I'll be seeing you "Happy Holidays Everyone!"  

 

Okay Already

   I know. I promised to write a four or five part story called "Do You Believe," with each part coming out two to three days from one another. But life seems to be getting in the way of my writing.   First the good news. My second eldest daughter has just moved back home this past week and she has brought along her boyfriend. He is polite enough to stay still and listen to my stories about my adventures that my kids have already heard or don't have time to listen to. Poor guy.   Now for the bad news. My driver's license has to be renewed before my birthday or I'll lose it and have to start from the beginning again. So I decided I would get the Real ID driver's license since we will soon need it to fly domestically.   So I am at my local DMV office, right now, applying for my new license, when I am told I will have to take a written test to get my new Real ID license.   "Okay," I say to the slow-loris looking DMV representative. "I have been driving for over sixty years. I think I can handle a little thirty question questionnaire."   But that's why I am sitting here, angry as hell, after taking the test for the third time and waiting for my final result! I'm going to lose my license right here, right now! (bleep)
   It used to be, the test would ask you about certain driving situations and what would you do if you found yourself in those situations. Then they would ask questions about different shaped signs and their meaning.   Then off you would go, terrorizing the neighborhoods with your inattentive driving.   Not now! Now, in the State of California, you have to memorize stuff like; What is BAC, What is the alcohol level for someone over 21 years of age, and What is the BAC level for someone under the age of twenty-one?   Who the (bleep) cares! Just don't drink and drive and the problem is solved!   The worst part is, just before I started typing this post out on my phone I read in a news feed that the the requirements to have a Real ID has been pushed further out, until May of 2025! (bleep) I could have waited! (bleep)   My name is being called. (bleep) I'll finish this (bleep-the-bleep bleep) post right after they cut up my (bleep-the-bleep bleep bleeping) license!
Um, never mind.I Passed!
This is,I Never Doubted Myself For One MinuteJim Hauenstein
And
“Never put off till tomorrow, what may be done, the day after tomorrow just as well.” - Mark Twain - That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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Thanks again I will be continuing "Do You Believe" in a day or two. Just been really busy. "Happy Holidays Everyone!"
 

Do You Believe - Part Two

   I woke up the next morning rested like I haven't felt for years. Talking to myself, I commented, "Now that was a wild dream I had last night. It had to be. Probably from indigestion after eating an under cooked piece of beef I had last night."   The rest of the day was a wonderful day. Somehow, it felt different from the usual days I've been having. Even the people I normally see on my morning walk greeted me with a hearty hello, instead of walking past me with their heads hanging down. It was so good, I almost forgot about the haunting dreams I've been having.   That night, I got ready for bed, feeling pretty sure that those hauntings were the manifestations from leaving leftovers in my refrigerator too long and still eating them.   I had quickly fallen to sleep, but surprise, it wasn't for long.   "Wake up mon. We have a lot of work to do."   "What, again?" I say, sitting up a little startled. "I thought you were a bad dream that went away. Now I have to put up with you for another night?"   "Wow mon. Is that the gratitude I get for giving you a day of tranquility?" Bob says while toking on another joint. "Maybe I should leave."   "Wait, wait, wait," I say worried now. "Don't leave. It was you who gave me peace of mind for a day?"   "I can't take all the credit mon." he was saying while blowing smoke up in the air. "You had something to do with it."   "Can you do it permanently to me, please?"   After I asked, even I thought I was sounding a little needy, but what the heck. If it worked why not.
   "Maybe later," he said. "First, I have to explain to you the reason you were born and why you should live a full life."   "Are we changing formats on me?" I asked. Then adding, "No longer going with the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, Future are we? Going to do the George Bailey and Clarence getting his wings scenario?"
   I smiled like I knew what I was talking about, but he rolled his eyes and said, "First, stop saying ghost or ghosts. It's not very woke of you. We, in the afterlife, prefer to be called spirits. It has a comforting sound to it mon."   I looked at him like he was nuts, then asked, "Why, what's wrong with the word ghost?"   He just stared at me intently, not even taking a drag off his joint, waiting for me to figure it out on my own.   He finally lifted his hand towards his lips, I assume so he could puff away, but when I opened my mouth to speak he said, "No mon, think." and stared angrily at me this time.   After a minute I went, "Oh, because people are ghosting people. The word is now used as an ugly mean thing that people do to each other!"   He smiled his acknowledgement, took a big long hit on his joint, and blew the smoke to engulf me again while saying, "This George and Clarence thing you were asking about has nothing to do with us. You watch too many movies mon,"[image error]  To Be Continued...
This is,I Quit Smoking Over Twenty Years AgoAnd Now It's Legal Where I LiveAnd Better Quality 
Jim Hauenstein
And “You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of underdone potato. There's more of gravy than of grave about you, whatever you are!” - Charles Dickens - That is my story and I am sticking to it! Like what you are reading?

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Thanks for reading Be kind to everyone I'll be seeing you I haven't written the next part yetso the next one will probably be posted a few days

Thanks again
 

Do You Believe - Part One

   This is a true story and it started seven nights ago.   Every time I was sleeping for a couple of hours someone or something would wake me up.
   The first three nights I was awaken by a unfamiliar woman's voice calling out my name so loud that I would sit up in bed, look around, and ask, "Who's there?" But no one ever replied to my query.   The forth night I heard a crashing sound, as if something was knock off my bathroom sink, shattering onto the ceramic floor. Sitting up quickly, I looked for the broken pieces, but there was nothing there.
   Of course on the fifth night it took a lot longer for me to fall asleep, but once I did, it didn't take long for a male voice to call out to wake me up.   "Hey mon. Wake up."   Before I opened up my eyes, I knew that my phone was sitting on the night stand right next to my bed, so I planned what I was going to do next.   I half jump out of bed, immediately grabbed for my phone, looked at my assailant to show him that I was calling the police and pressed the numbers; 9-1-...   I was frozen in place. Sitting on a bedroom chair was a, Rastafarian. A see-through Rastafarian, but a Rastafarian nonetheless.   He had the rainbow color hat on, the long braided dreadlocks, a neatly trimmed beard, and a dovetail ganja joint hanging from his lips.   "Who are you? What do you want?" I finally got up the nerve to ask.   He blows a small cloud of smoke straight up into the air and asked, "What mon? You don't know who I am? Have I been gone that long?"   "Well, to me, you look a lot like Bob Marley,"   "Ha ha," he laughs joyously, "Right you are mon. I am Bob Marley." He takes a long drag on his joint, smiling triumphantly.   "Why are you here," I ask, while wondering why his joint isn't stinking up the place.    "I'm here because you need me mon. You need me to show you the why and wherefore of your past, present, and future." he says while blowing smoke.   "What a minute," I say a little confused. "Isn't that Jacob Marley's job? And why would the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future come to visit me? I'm not some crazy, greedy billionaire, who hordes all his money and laughs at the suffering of others. I'm just me."   "You read too many books mon." and blows a huge cloud of smoke my way, which encompasses me completely.     To Be Continued... This is,Do You Believe In Ghosts?Well I Do!Jim Hauenstein And  “The ghosts of things that never happened are worse than the ghosts of things that did.” - L.M. Montgomery -
That is my story and I am sticking to it! Like what you are reading?

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Thanks for reading Be kind to everyone I'll be seeing you I haven't written the next part yetso each one will probably be posted a few days apart

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Kids Nowadays

These kids today.First they get rubber mats under their swings and jungle gyms at the school playground, instead of the hard tar which was covered with broken glass and small pebbles back in my day, now I see them riding to school on their electric bikes, electric scooters, electric skateboards, and electric hover boards.What happened to a little suffering to prepare young people for the hard knocks in life?I had to walk to school, then home, in ten feet of snow, uphill both ways, with one shoe on!
When we wanted to motorize our ride we had to go out and find a old discarded used lawn mower to remove the engine for our power! You learned how to get greasy and oily taking it apart and rebuilding that engine. And everybody knew somebody back in the old neighborhood who had a welder set up in his garage. You had to work a paper route for three weeks to get enough cash to pay the guy to weld brackets on a bicycle frame. I could go on and on all day about cut fingers, bruised hands, broken finger nails, and smashed knuckles against hard cold steel. Those injured body parts were just from working with tools to put the thing together. The real injuries came later after you tried riding it.
Here, maybe this photo will help you picture the past. 
This shows one of those rich guy's bikes because mine never had a throttle lever. It had one speed. You got a whiplash, taking off, because the engine would be at full throttle the minute you started it up. You also got whiplash and flipped over the handlebars when you tried to stop in an emergency. Because there weren't any brakes, if you had to stop, you had to turn off the engine which instantly stopped the back wheel!Don't even get me started on how the exhaust pipe was right next to your left thigh burning your skin away or that the direct drive V belt would grab your pants, pulling your leg back into the rear tire, burning your skin away.These kids today have it soooooooooo easy. This is,I Am So Glad That Nothing Ever Stays The SameJim Hauenstein And “People will pay any price for motion. They will even work for it. Look at bicycles.” - William Faulkner - That is my story and I am sticking to it! Like what you are reading?

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Fexting

Generation Z, or Zoomers which none of them like to be called, have come up with a new way for couples, or friends, to fight, or have a heated arguments, without being next to each other.
Yes, in ancient times you could have received snail mail which took weeks or months to get, then penned your own scribbles to confront the offender and wait weeks or months to hear back from them.When every home finally had a phone hanging on their wall, you could confront the offender immediately if they answered your call. While you hoped no one was listening in on the party line.(A real thing, look it up) 
Now Gen Z.Where people text each other when they are in the same room instead of talking to each other have decided the best way for couples or friends to argue is to go off to their own little corners or rooms and text their arguments to each other.It's happening all over the world and I have a hard time understanding,why?They are missing out on the joys of getting beat up by an older brother, getting a frying pan to the face, a shoe to the forehead, or arrested because everyone points at you and says, "He Started it." to a police officer even though you had just walked into the bar.What sweet memories! This is,I Bet Couples Make Up With Sexting After They Are Done FextingJim Hauenstein
And
 “What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. - Ellen DeGeneres -

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It's Friday, Laugh A Little

About a decade ago I got an invitation to appear on the program
Judge Judy  because I was suing someone for $800.My second eldest daughter said,"No, you can't go. They'll put you in Jail for saying something stupid! Cause you never stop talking"
(True Story)

Why do they bother saying "raw" sewage?Do some people cook that stuff?

I failed my driver's test yesterday.The Instructor asked me,"What do you do at a red light?"I said,"Look around, bob my head, and listen to the radio."

Let me ask you something.If someone is lying,are their pants really on fire?

Only two things are infinite,the universeand human stupidity.And I'm not so sure about the universe.

People in hell.Where do they tell someone to go?

I always think about how we measure success in our lives.This is what I came up with.At age 4 success is not pissing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 18 success is having your driver's license.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 50 success is having money.
At age 70 success is having your driver's license.
At age 75 success is still having friends.
At age 80 success is not pissing in your pants.  The difference between stupidityand genius is that genius has its limits.

The other day,my youngest son asked me how do you spell the word"future."When spelling a word,I usually spell it out by saying two letters at a time,then pause,then another two letters,and so on.So I started with,"F-U."And he said,"Fine! You don't have to be rude about it!" 
(True Story)
This is,Knowing That Sincerity Is Everything
And If You Can Fake That
You Have Got It MadeJim Hauenstein
And

"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They are worth it."
"Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to."
"Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering."
- Henny Youngman -

That is my story and I am sticking to it! Like what you are reading?

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Have A Happy Thanksgiving Everyone

I have posts from every year wishing everyone aSafeandHappy Thanksgivingstarting with; My simpleThanksgiving Wish
from
November 26th 2015
called
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone 
I also have one from
November 20th 2018
called
Happy Thanksgiving This Coming Thursday
filled with music for this
Holiday.(Yes I have the Adam Sandler Thanksgiving Song on there)

 *****
I know the
World
doesn't celebrate 
Thanksgiving, but I still want to say, I hope everyone gets to spend today with someone they love. Happy Thanksgiving Everyone. This is,
Gobbling Down A Turkey Wing Jim Hauenstein
And
“After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one's own relations.” - Oscar Wilde -
That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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Thanks for reading
Be Kind To Everyone
I'll Be Seeing You