James Hauenstein's Blog, page 5

Some Of The Jokes I Have Written Down Over The Years

Recently, I went into one of those discount massage parlors. It turned out to be self serve! Then I met this hooker on a street corner. She told me she had a headache! If it wasn't for the guy who just pick-pocketed me, I'd have no sex life at all! I blame it all on my upbringing when I was a child. When I took my first step, my Dad tripped me! When I was born, the doctor slapped my Mom! 
I think I was still a virgin at the age of thirty-three, when I was making love to this girl I was dating. She started crying so I asked,
"Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now!" One night I thought I was going to get really lucky. I had these two beautiful women in my car and they both scream at the same time,
"Stop here!" Right next to the International House of Pancakes was a Motel 6. We went inside, and I had to pay for two "Rooty Tooty Fresh N Fruity" meals! Then I started dating this girl who was half-black. She dumped me because she said I was prejudiced. In a sweet passionate moment, I called her half-white! When I got married, I asked my wife if I could give her a goodnight kiss on her cheek. She bent over! I did meet a famous politician once. I met the Surgeon General and he offered me a cigarette! Still, I believe, in this World, every person has a soul mate. And if I ever find mine, my wife will kill her! People say I look a lot younger than I really am. That's because I act so immature!
This is,
Those Last Two Jokes I Wrote Myself
Jim Hauenstein
And

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
- Paul Terry -
That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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When I Wore A Beard

There is a perfectly good reason that I'm posting a picture of me pointing out the emblem on my car.First,
I want to show off to my sister.
Second,
it's the only recent photo I have of me with a beard.Why is the beard so important?Because you never know how old you look as you do with a beard.In my case wearing a beard makes me look a lot older than I really am.I have two examples to prove my point.First example.I went to visit someone at the local hospital and stood in line to talk to the receptionist at the Emergency Room entrance.
When a
"70 Year Old Lady"
in front of me asked the female employee behind the desk,
"How to go about getting my sick husband admitted and a wheelchair for him? He has a temperature of one hundred degrees."The receptionist looks directly at me and asks,
"Do you need a wheelchair sir?"I kindly pointed out the elderly gentleman who was already sitting down on a chair a few feet to my right and said,
"He's the one she is talking about." My second example. I took my daughter shopping one day to a big local chain department store called
Ross.
She went up to a female
"Salesclerk"
  and asked her where they kept her size bra.
Of course,
being raised in my household where anything feminine was kept secret from my delicate ears,
my daughter whispered her question.The salesclerk smiles and asks,
"Is this the first time you went shopping with your Grandfather for a new bra?"That floored my daughter.
She couldn't get up from kneeling on the ground from laughing so hard. This is,These Are True Stories That Happened To Me In My Life
Not Those Fabricated Lies AIs Make Up About Me
Jim Hauenstein And “A man with a beard was always a little suspect anyway. You couldn't say you wore a beard because you liked a beard. People didn't like you for telling the truth. You had to say you had a scar so you couldn't shave.” - John Steinbeck -
 That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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One Of My Fondest Memories

Reprising A story I wrote back on May 29th, 2015*****I want to thank theMarinesandStater Brotherstoday.
You might be wondering why I would want to thank the
U.S. Military
and
Stater Brothers Groceries.
It's because of what just happened to meand one of my grandsons who is here celebrating
Memorial Daywith me.
You see,my grandson
and I were jumping on the trampoline in my backyard when we saw two
Marine Gunship Helicopters
flying over the mountain ridge.
I am not a good judge of distances,
when it comes to airplanes,
or helicopters in the sky,
but they had to be close enough overhead to see us on the ground.
I told my grandson to wave to them,
because it is
Memorial Day,
the day to celebrate our
Military Heroes.
He waved vigorously,
like a five year old will do.
Lo & behold,
those
Marine Helicopters
turned around,
and flew directly over our house,
doing a complete circle,
before heading back in the same direction as before.
Of course,
when they were overhead,
I was so proud,
that I started waving just as vigorously as my grandson.
Thank you
Twenty-Nine Palms & Camp Pendleton Marines Corp
for once again being true
American Heroes.
Now,
  about three
or four weeks ago,
just before the new
Avengers
movie came out,
Pepsi
set up a display at
Stater Brother's Supermarket
featuring cardboard cutouts of
Iron Man,
Thor,
Captain America,
and my favorite,
The Hulk.
I immediately went to customer service
and asked if I could have the display after the promotion was over.
The
Assistant Manager
agreed,
taking my name
and phone number.
Last
Tuesday
I got the call to pick up my
Super Heroes.
It was a
Super Cool
gift for my grandson.
This week has really been a treat for this grandson
and myself.

Thank you
Stater Brothers
and the
U.S. Marines Corp.

This is,
Celebrating What A Wonderful Life This Truly Is
Jim Hauenstein

And

“Till the time Mother Nature takes away what she had bestowed upon us for free - this wonderful gift, of life. Value it, while you have it.” - Fakeer Ishavardas - That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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I Have A Part Time Job

First, I would like to say I am still a blogger with a lot to say, but I also get bored sitting around the house all day. So I started working part time to ease some of that boredom. Yes, I do have a few friends I see once in awhile, but since I don't smoke, drink, or gamble, I'm boring to them. Yes, I do go for daily walks up to 5 miles per, I do like to read books as much as possible, and I do cut, trim, repair, clean around or inside my house. But I always liked driving. There is music I can listen to, podcasts, there are always new sites to see, and if I talk one of my kids to go with me, great conversation. Now I only have to budget my time better so I can blog again!*****Here is something that took me by surprise.I received a text message the other day that put a smile on my face.A friend of mine was researching the article"How Much To Spend On Birthday Gift: Resolved (2023 Updated)"By Kimberlee Johnson.He wants to buy a gift for a friend so when he saw the table of contents that said,"Gift For A Friend"he clicked on it,started reading,and came across one of my quotes."Remember, the best presents anyone can give, is being there for their loved ones."
They probably got it off my Goodreads Author's Page under quotes.I checked todayand didn't realize that I have seven pages of quotes on the site.I guess I'm quotable! This is,Appreciating The ExposureJim Hauenstein And "Eye Amost Evr Spel Ah Werd Wong Annymoe, sinc eye goat alto pel" - James Hauenstein - That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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Red Pine Cafe

Great News!A friend of mine is opening up his own restaurant in his hometown! I'm not sure how many viewers I have in the city ofTemeculasince this blog is viewed globally,but if you ever wanted a new place to go on vacation,
Temeculahas over 90 local wineries serving 50 different varieties of wine,three casinos in the area with adjacent hotels,and is an hour away from the mountains so you can ski in the winter then the next day drive an hour to surf on the Pacific Ocean.Best of all,it now has a new restaurant calledRed Pine Cafe!Located at31333 Temecula Parkway Suite 100Temecula, California 92592
Check them out onInstagram! This is,I Am Not A Paid Spokesman ForRed Pine CafeI Just Know The OwnerAnd Know He Will Serve You WellJim Hauenstein And “One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well.” - Virginia Woolf - That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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And What Do We Say On May 4th?

I cannot believe it is May 4th already!It seems like yesterday it was only May 3rd!*****
Here in theSunshine Statepeople have been complaining that it's raining all the time.You see, it is usually sunny 360 days out of the year.But people are naturally complainers.If you want to start a conversation with someoneand you have nothing to complain about,the weather is always the fall guy. “But who wants to be foretold the weather? It is bad enough when it comes, without our having the misery of knowing about it beforehand.” - Jerome K. Jerome -I know the title of the song is a metaphor but I like it when it rains!
 Oh yeah.May The Farce Be With You! This is,I'm A WhovianAnd A Trekie.Not A Star Wars FanJim Hauenstein And  Doctor Who says, “Never knowingly be serious.” - Steven Moffat - That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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I Still Can't Find Anything

   This is going to give away my age but I don't care!   I grew up during a time when reading was more important to a person than television. Of course we only had three channels and two UHF channels to watch back then. But we had access to hundreds of books through our local and school libraries.
   You never heard of UHF? That's because you needed an antenna or rabbit ears to receive the signal on your TV. That's where the PBS channels were located.   Then came HBO, which I got immediately through a microwave signal, cable started giving us hundreds of channels, and then huge satellite receivers gave us channels from around the world which eventually turned into smaller receivers as more satellites went into space, and finally the internet came along which created its own kind of channels to watch.   I might not be chronologically correct but you get the idea.
Then came all the streaming services.I have the ones you pay forand a lot of the free ones.I could list them all here but,let's just say I have at least 25 of them.
 When I had five channels,six channels,150 channels,or now,that I have 500 hundred channels,I always seem to say the same thing!There is nothing to watch on TV!
This is,Why I Still Love To Read To This DayJames Hauenstein Andhttps://2buckhowie.blogspot.com/2023/02/a-stop-in-harmony.html
“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one.” - George R.R. Martin -
That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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Why Did I Store This?

   Over the years I have accumulated a lot of Stuff, telling myself that I would use this thing that I stored, later. I'm not going to tell you that I am a hoarder, buuuuuut, I have been going through drawers, under beds, closets, cabinets, a crawl space, and my garage for about a year now.   I think I have personally supplied Angel View with all their charitable goods during this time.   I have recently been opening up boxes that I stored maybe 20 years ago? Give or take a decade.   I would like to share with you something I found from 2009 and have no idea why I saved it. It was written down on a piece of paper.*****A police officer pulls over a blonde for speeding and asks the driver if she could see his license. The driver replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday a different officer took my license and now today, you expect me to show it to you!"
   A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"   In a hushed voice, the guy sitting next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, I think you should know something. The bartender and the bouncer are both blonde. I'm six foot tall, 200 pound black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5", weighing in at 300 lbs, and is a wrestler. Now think about it. Do you really want to tell a blonde joke?"   The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
   A lawyer named Mister Impos Syble was shopping for a tombstone. After making his selection the stone-cutter asks for the inscription he would like on his headstone.   "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer." Mr. Syble tells him.   "I can't do that," replies the stone-cutter. "It's against the law to bury two people in the same grave in this state. I can put here lies an honest lawyer."
   "But people won't know who it is," protests Mr. Syble.   "Sure it will," retorts the stone-cutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's Impossible!"
   When a person helps a criminal before he gets arrested, we call them, an accomplice.   When a person helps a criminal after he gets arrested, we call them, a public defender.    A man gets caught embezzling millions of dollars from his employer and seeks out a defense attorney.   He tells his new attorney, "Please, I can't go to jail, I have money. Can you help me?"   The attorney says, "Don't worry. You'll never go to jail with all that money."   The lawyer was right. When the guy went to prison, he didn't have a dime to his name because of legal fees!
 This is,Now I Can Throw Away One More Piece Of PaperJim Hauenstein
And
“The minute you read something that you can't understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer. ” - Will Rogers - That is my story and I am sticking to it!Like what you are reading?Sign up as a Follower or Leave a Comment I would love to hear from you

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Guns Don't Kill People, Stupid Politicians Kill People

With more than 20 People Shot last night at an Alabama birthday party, with only four deaths, and Two Deaths, with four injured in Louisville, I thought this Post from February 26th, 2016 would help explain on how I feel about Gun Control. And don't tell me about the bullshit lies where "Guns don't kill people, people kill people."This is playing right into the Republican's hand where they get richer and they have the poor killing each other over scraps so they can claim during election time that "We need more white supremacy type of cops to protect our streets so we can let them run wild and kill innocent civilians too! For a safer America!" Yes, it's my opinion. Yet here are some facts.Anonymously Anonymous
Take A Test To Own A GunWhite supremacists and militias have infiltrated police ...*******
And when you thought people couldn't get any more ignorant, here comes the "Iowa Lawmakers, (Who) Approve Bill That Would Let Kids Have Handguns." By Kim Bellware for The Huffington Post.
I thought
Texas
had a bunch ofJackassesforLawmakers,"Texas 'open carry' law passes, allowing guns in holsters on the street." The Guardian."Texas lawmakers approved carrying handguns openly on the streets of the nation’s second most populous state on Friday, sending the bill to the Republican governor, Greg Abbott, who is expected to sign it and reverse a ban dating to the post-civil war era." I'm sure all the republican people living inIowa were so upset byTexasbeating them out on the"Open Carry Law,"that the only thing they could think of to do,to be ahead of them in ignorance was to,
"Give Guns To Children.""Children of all ages in Iowa would be able to lay down their toy guns and pick up the real thing under a bill that passed the state House of Representatives. Statehouse Republicans, including the bill's sponsor, Rep. Jake Highfill, said the the legislation was an issue of parents' rights designed to correct "an injustice in Iowa code” that now forbids children 14 and younger from handling pistols. Allowing people to learn at a young age the respect that a gun commands is one of the most important things you can do,” Highfill told The Washington Post on Wednesday. The alternative, he said, is “turning 18 with no experience.”If we only had a system in place
that could teach someone how to handle a gun?I know that setting upClassesat aFiring Rangewith speciallyProfessionally Trained Marksmanto teach people,Under Age,how to handle a firearms would start a whole new industry.
And who would train the
Professionals Trainers?But we already have these moronicLaws
in place with kids killing kids. Couldn't theLawhave specified,before a youth was allowed to have a pistol,even under parental supervision,they would have to have theseClasses With A Professionaland then beCertifiedbefore they got a gun?If you ask me,most parents don't even know how to handle a gun.I knew a few grownups who carried gunsand they didn't have a clue on the safety issues.Some of them are in jail nowand the other is dead from a self inflicted wound.Stupid people think you can carry a gun in their belt instead of a holster.
I wouldn't want their children carrying guns around if they were taught by their parents who thought it was cool just to carry one!
If you are thinking of getting a gun,check these websites outand maybe we will have one less accidental shootings. National Handgun Safety Courseor Education & Training
This is,Raised In A Family That Respected Guns - And If Anyone - In Our Family - Older Than I - Saw That I Was Playing With Or Disrespecting A Gun - They Had The Right To Whip My Ass - Then Tell My Dad So He Could Whip My Ass Too
Jim Hauenstein
And
“The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.” - P.G -
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Many Many Moons Ago

   Yes, many many moons ago there was (and still is) an annual herbaceous flowing plant cultivated throughout recorded history as a source of industrial fiber, seed oil, food, recreation, medicine, and religious practices that I partook in. (Spiritually speaking.) It was also illegal to have traces of it in your blood system if you were in the military, applied for jobs, or, as in my case, got hurt on the job.   I have nothing bad to say about the company I worked for because they were very good to me for twenty years. It was just a corporate policy.   By this time in my life I had quit smoking this herbaceous for about five years. Except! (Of course there wouldn't be a story without an "Except.")   Except at a party, on New Year's Eve, at my friends house. After a few beers, a few laughs, I thought, "What the Hell." So I smoked a little, or a lot. It was a party.   In the middle of February, of that new year, I break my foot while on the job. After going to the hospital, getting a cast on, I went home expecting four weeks of playing video games while my kids were at school.   After one week of relaxation I get a call from Human Resources saying I have to go to such and such clinic for a drug test. If I didn't go in I would be terminated.   Being superstitious, I believed what every Rastafarian had said to me. That there would be traces of this herbal spiritual drug was going to be in my blood system for up to six weeks!   I panicked.
   So I took the advice of one Rastaman and bought a box of"Quick Tabs - Herbal Clean."Which I just found stuffed way back in an old cupboard while doing some spring cleaning.  
   I bought them around 2001. (I wonder if they are still good?)
   I can't tell you if it worked or not. But I didn't have anything in my system to warrant termination. I worked for the same company for at least another seven years.   Now, in the State of California, potential employers can't even test for it! This is,I Checked Out Their Website TodayAnd They No Longer Sell"Quick Tabs"For Cleansing Your System OfCannabis SativaJust Regular Detox Solutions For A Healthier You
Jim Hauenstein And “The illegality of cannabis is outrageous, an impediment to full utilization of a drug which helps produce the serenity and insight, sensitivity and fellowship so desperately needed in this increasingly mad and dangerous world.” - Carl Sagan - That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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